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Original poster

Moving in with boyfriend - how much do I contribute?

195 replies

SunshineOverStress · 16/09/2020 11:23

So I’m 29, and have always lived with my mum apart from when I was at college and travelling.

My lovely boyfriend has asked me to move in with him, he doesn’t really work as owns multiple properties so is wealthy. I asked him what I need to pay and he said I don’t need to pay anything! He said just to help around the house. I don’t want him to end up feeling resentful or anything and want to contribute something but how much?!

Obviously I’ll pay towards food shopping!

I earn about 28k a year and outgoings without rent are about £780 a month

OP posts:
LilyWater · 16/09/2020 19:02

@newnameforthis123

Why not just keep staying with him a bit longer without 'officially' moving in? Keep paying for some of the dates etc so it's fair.

You've been with him three months, during a global pandemic, you've both shown poor judgement re lockdown rules and moving things so fast to moving in discussions this soon.

I can't see what's in it for you to 'officially' move in at the moment if you're there so regularly already and if you say he doesn't really need the money from you at the moment.

If I'm honest you sound nice but naive and quite immature. This is ridiculously fast and as I say you've both already shown pretty poor judgement only three months in.

If I'm honest you sound nice but naive and quite immature. This is ridiculously fast and as I say you've both already shown pretty poor judgement only three months in.

Exactly this. The OP sounds a textbook target for a man with bad intentions. Nice but naive types easily fall for the initial charms of such men. I bet there are currently more red flags she's blissfully unaware of. No matter how much they liked them, I literally don't know any woman who would meet a stranger in the circumstances the OP did , be staying over their house 6 nights a week plus seriously contemplating moving in, all within 3 months! Confused

Graphista · 16/09/2020 19:05

He IS love bombing you, he’s a serial monogamist too from sounds of things - do you even know why (from someone OTHER than him) why they broke up? How quickly did they move in?

3 months is RIDICULOUSLY too soon to move in you barely know each other! You haven’t even hit the point where you start noticing each other’s bad habits yet! Totally irresponsible and foolish

Honeymoon period, biochemically speaking lasts 12-18 months! You’re right at the beginning where everything is “new and wonderful”

So so much can go wrong and cause either one of you serous emotional or other harm.

What the hell is the rush?

I must admit I’m thinking “what are you running away from?”

had another dog that recently died is this possibly a grief reaction?

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2020 19:05

Op did you literally bump into him during a walk 3 months ago?

PinkPosyPetals · 16/09/2020 19:07

Save for your own place, or view this as a rental, that you’ll never have a stake in,
But definitely save, I made the mistake and paid all the food and outings, so most of my wages, while he paid his pension and mortgage and obviously retained the lot, whilst I had nothing.

RantyAnty · 16/09/2020 19:13

The only thing I'd be concerned about is love bombing and future faking.

You said he has had 3 somewhat long relationships before, of 4 years and 7 years. Do you know why they ended? Did they also once live in the house he currently lives in.

As for the love bombing, have you had any disagreements with him yet? Are you always agreeable?
There are ways to test for love bombing.

ALLIS0N · 16/09/2020 19:14

Do NOT move in with a man you have known for a few weeks. Especially with a rich but unemployed man.

Whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant, even by accident.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2020 19:16

Whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant, even by accident. How does that work? Surely the point is it being accidental was that she intended not to but did

Pinkdelight3 · 16/09/2020 19:22

Just to balance all the warnings, I moved in with DH after three months and we've been happily married for 18 years. I don't really see what you've got to leave. It could be first flush of romance and wear off. It could be the real thing. Either way the waiting on hand and foot will no doubt settle into something more sustainable and you'll figure it out or you won't and you can move home or into your own place. In a strong couple, you're both on the same side, supporting each other. If you feel like this is the vibe then neither of you will take the piss. Pay for food and whatever feels right as you go along and save up on the side. Go for it and good luck!

Tigger001 · 16/09/2020 19:23

I would not be paying anything towards his morgage as if you split, he would just ask you to leave with the personal belongings you came with.

Why invest in something you will never have a stake in. Save, save save while you live their.

OP there are some nice guys our there, i met one, we moved in pretty quick. I did discuss both our feelings on future matters before we bought together like kids etc.

If it feels ok, go for it ..worse case scenario, back to mums with some savings.

Pinkdelight3 · 16/09/2020 19:23

*what you've got to lose

Indoctro · 16/09/2020 19:27

I would do what he asks and be glad to of found find such a generous kind man.

Indoctro · 16/09/2020 19:29

Oh yeah me and my husband also moved into together after 3 month, he also paid for everything as earned way more than me and at the time I was in debt and he told me to concentrate on clearing that with my money and he covered bills

10 years later we are married with two kids and perfectly happy

You have nothing to lose OP he sounds lovely

Cherrylipbalm · 16/09/2020 19:32

he doesn’t really work sorry this sounds like a major red flag. Surely you'd want someone to work if they're able to?
So you'll be working all day and what will he be doing?

VinylDetective · 16/09/2020 19:42

Especially with a rich but unemployed man

What makes you think he’s unemployed? I think self employed is the term you’re searching for.

Suzi888 · 16/09/2020 19:45

3 months and you stay there 6 days a week, just carry on doing that, move in after Christmas.

ALLIS0N · 16/09/2020 19:51

@VinylDetective

Especially with a rich but unemployed man

What makes you think he’s unemployed? I think self employed is the term you’re searching for.

No it’s not. The Op said he doesn’t really work as owns multiple properties so is wealthy

Self employed means that you work for yourself. It’s not the same as unemployed or not working at all.

He must have a considerable number of properties to never have to work . At the age of 34. Despite his 2k mortgage.

I’d be very suspicious if the Op were my DD. But I’m sure she has checked Companies House , downloaded the company accounts And checked his landlord registration details at the local authority.

VinylDetective · 16/09/2020 19:54

He must have a considerable number of properties to never have to work

He certainly must. I don’t suppose a property empire runs itself, do you?

ALLIS0N · 16/09/2020 19:57

@VinylDetective

He must have a considerable number of properties to never have to work

He certainly must. I don’t suppose a property empire runs itself, do you?

It was the Op who said he didn’t work , not me. I don’t know why you are being so aggressive , I’m only quoting her.

Do you have some skin in this game ?

VinylDetective · 16/09/2020 20:13

Do you have some skin in this game ?

None at all. I’m just a bit of a stickler for accuracy.

Rainagain72 · 16/09/2020 20:34

Checking companies house and downloading his accounts would be a bit invasive...poor bloke. Its akin to a woman (or worse, the Mother of a woman way into adulthood) investigating wanting to check out his payslips.

RichTea432 · 16/09/2020 20:56

Everyone bashing the OP for fast moving should just hold back a bit. Sometimes in life you just know. I had a similar situation when I was 25, moved in within a few months, similar convos and we’ve been together 6 years, married with 2 kids. Everyone is different and this guy sounds genuine and lovely..... like mine was and still is!! Not to say it happens to everyone, but let’s keep open minds. The suggestions of saving money for another property sound great, I would definitely do that.

OP, he sounds lovely and it’s a wonderful situation. Contribute whatever you feel comfortable with - weekends away, dinners out, food shopping. Ask him about bills but if he really doesn’t want you to don’t worry. Just enjoy living together and good luck!!

AnotherEmma · 16/09/2020 20:58

I understand the advice to proceed with caution and with eyes open but I think some of the posts on this thread have been ridiculously over the top. He might be love bombing and turn out to be a bad'un but I haven't read anything in the OP's posts that suggests he definitely will... I think it's also possible that it will all be ok and he is as good as he seems. Surely after 3 months it's too soon to tell either way and OP has to find out in her own time.

Personally I would feel a bit uncomfortable with the discrepancy in financial positions, and be wary of it affecting the relationship dynamics, but if they are able to treat each other as equals and share expenses fairly (which means him paying for a lot more!) I don't see the issue.

Pluckedpencil · 16/09/2020 21:05

Well me and my boyfriend moved in together age 23 after three months, then we bought a house after a year and we've been happily married ten years so frankly I'd say go for it and pay the cleaner and make sure you do your bit and don't take the piss! Life is short. Enjoy it!

babyb2nd · 16/09/2020 21:06

@Suzi888

How much is the council tax? half of that or whatever it amounts to when he loses single person discount, plus food shop maybe? Thing is, you need to be careful as presumably if you break up he expects you to walk away with your clothes and that’s it. Make sure you save not squander... and I wouldn’t let him know about those savings. Hmm Make sure things change if you and your boyfriend decide to have children, or you could find yourself in a mess.
Very good advice!
vanillandhoney · 16/09/2020 21:13

Blimey - what a negative thread Hmm

Go for it, OP. You're both young and there are no children involved, and if it doesn't work you can go back home.

Good luck Thanks