Moving in with boyfriend - how much do I contribute?

[SunshineOverStress]

So I’m 29, and have always lived with my mum apart from when I was at college and travelling.

My lovely boyfriend has asked me to move in with him, he doesn’t really work as owns multiple properties so is wealthy. I asked him what I need to pay and he said I don’t need to pay anything! He said just to help around the house. I don’t want him to end up feeling resentful or anything and want to contribute something but how much?!

Obviously I’ll pay towards food shopping!

I earn about 28k a year and outgoings without rent are about £780 a month

I’d be careful with the housework thing...if over time you end up doing the majority of things around the house and maybe the the bulk of the cooking because you feel you should, it could become habit and you may end up feeling resentful...and contributing just as much through ‘labour’ as you would if you split all the bills. I’m sure this isn’t your boyfriends attention at all but as other posters have said, maybe a good idea to spend what you save on rent on a cleaner then it’s win wi. For everyone.

Hi @SunshineOverStress I'd ask to pay one of the bills, just so you have proof of address

I'd want to contribute something reasonable (and £200 isn't and living with your mum is different from a partner) purely so I didn't feel like a child living with a parent. For me that would effect the dynamic. It could go into a joint account and be used for food, holidays, treats for you both etc I'd be doesn't want you laying towards bills. I enjoy being treated. But I would not want to feel I wasn't paying my way one way or another.

£28k a year is a reasonable salary and should allow you to pay your boyfriend some keep whilst saving for your future. Do you not want to feel there is some parity in the relationship?

Why not just keep staying with him a bit longer without 'officially' moving in? Keep paying for some of the dates etc so it's fair.

You've been with him three months, during a global pandemic, you've both shown poor judgement re lockdown rules and moving things so fast to moving in discussions this soon.

I can't see what's in it for you to 'officially' move in at the moment if you're there so regularly already and if you say he doesn't really need the money from you at the moment.

If I'm honest you sound nice but naive and quite immature. This is ridiculously fast and as I say you've both already shown pretty poor judgement only three months in.

Three months in is the honeymoon period - both in the sense of everyone being on their best behaviour, which you need to be cautious about when considering how well you actually know this man; and in the sense of it being shiny and new and exciting. One of the nicest things about dating is the slowness of it, the looking forward to seeing somebody, the getting dressed up to go out and meet them, the lack of the ordinary about it. Why are you so keen to rush away from that into the being in each other’s pockets and doing laundry and all the perfunctory domestic stuff?

How I'm feeling today I wouldn't bloody bother! Stay home with mom save and get your own place lol.. ignore me having a bad day but couldn't resist 😫

He said to me I should put the money I used to pay my mum into savings to one day buy a house and hopefully together as he’s never done that before.

Surely you hear how silly this sounds three months in?!

If you can get your own place however small. You could end up leaving him and losing your home.

200 a month will take a while to build a deposit unless you live in v cheap area...

@newnameforthis123

He said to me I should put the money I used to pay my mum into savings to one day buy a house and hopefully together as he’s never done that before.

Surely you hear how silly this sounds three months in?!

DH knew I wanted to get married and have kids. He knew not to ask me to move in unless he intended to marry me. He still asked me to move in after 2 months. It sounds crazy now but it was right for us

I'm really sorry to say this, but after only 3 months, this sounds like "love bombing" & I'd be very, very, wary of moving in with him so soon, you really do need to get to know him better. If I'm right & the signs are definitely there, this will be a huge mistake

@bunnyonthemantle

While that scenario may seem attractive on the surface, it isn't a particularly smart move. I wouldn't move in with him if you want marriage. Men tend to drag their heels once they have you in situ. At 29 I wanted to get on the property ladder. You'd be smarter getting your own property, however small, and ploughing your money into that. Any financial contribution you make will be helping him pay his mortgage if he has one and if you broke up you'd get nothing.

100% this

OP just read all the threads around 'why hasn't he proposed'. Men take you for granted since you've already moved in and are offering them all the "wife" benefits on a plate and taking on all the risk, without any need for legal commitments from them. I'd be especially wary of this considering his wealth - if it doesn't work out he can move onto another woman seamlessly and doesn't have to worry about any financial responsibilities towards you (and only minimal if you end up having kids with him without marriage) by keeping you as a perpetual girlfriend.

Paying for a cleaner is genius

Ok so currently I stay over most nights and he literally waits on me hand and foot - makes me breakfast, lunches to take to work, Cooks me dinner the lot! I don’t help him with any housework currently but will once I’m moved in. He has a cleaner and a gardener every other week but tbh for cleaning that’s not enough. He’s very tidy though and always cleans up after himself. I don’t think he would expect me to do everything, just my bit!

Marry him! 🤣

Pay for shopping and offer him half council tax and utilities. If he refuses to take it, save that money - if you split up you can use it to get somewhere of your own, if you live happy ever after it's a good wedding fund!

Ps dp and I decided to live together after a couple of months (was 6 months before it happened) - ignore the "too soon" people, but make sure you look out for yourself

Three months is soon but lockdown has changed our lives and you're already pretty much living together anyway, you might as well make it official and agree on how to split finances. As you say, you can always move back to your mum's if it doesn't work out.

He will lose his 25% discount on council tax when you move in, so if I were you I'd check how much that is (easy to find the info online) and offer to pay that, plus a contribution towards food and perhaps a small contribution towards the cleaner or utilities. However, since he is so wealthy and the mortgage is in his name only, plus it's such early days, I don't think it would be appropriate for you to pay him any more than that.

You should definitely save as much as you can, put the money you would have given your mum into savings and also once your car's paid off you could put the amount you were paying into savings too.

Always good to have savings of your own so you can rent and eventually buy your own place if you want to.

Sounds like love bombing or some sort of romance scam where he will be asking you to sign for loans. If it seems too good to be true, it is.

Just be careful not to do more than ‘your bit’ ... he may not expect you to at all, but you might end up doing it any way if you feel you have to compensate for paying less. It’s actually quite hard for a lot of people to receive more than they give financially especially without children (would be different in a family situation)..it often doesn’t sit easy...no matter how happy the main provider is. The problem with over compensating through doing more than half the housework is men can become used to it.

[quote SunshineOverStress]@VinylDetective thank you for your positive story - most other posters aren’t too encouraging haha! Time will tell![/quote]
No one's saying you have to break up with him we're just saying you need to have your head screwed on as it's easy to get carried away when you really like someone (we've all been there). And many of us talk from experience.

For ANY possible scenario of meeting a person, there will always be positive stories and hopefully yours will be too but it doesn't negate the fact that your boyfriend's behaviour is typical of love bombers (who can then drop you as quickly as they wooed you once reality sets in and things get less lusty and intense), and abusive men (whose true colours only surface once they have you more 'trapped').

The whole point of dating is evaluating whether the other person is right for you. You need to be evaluating his behaviour and not letting anything that could be of concern slide whilst being swept away by emotions and wealth.

Most importantly people only show their true characters over time, not before, so what you're seeing now is the absolute best version of himself that he's chosen to present to you. There's no reason at all why you need to move in with a stranger you met on a walk who you've only been seeing for 3 months.

Haven’t read all posts but how about looking at spareroom.com for area he lives in. Look at price if a room in a shared house and base what you pay on that?

We did that in a similar situation, took top 10 rooms for the postcode, calculated average and then agreed a discount on that (as person paying rent wouldn’t be getting their own room 😀). Good emotion free way of agreeing a fair rent and keeping independence.

OP just read all the threads around 'why hasn't he proposed'. Men take you for granted since you've already moved in and are offering them all the "wife" benefits on a plate and taking on all the risk, without any need for legal commitments from them
No, some men do. I had an engagement ring 2 months after moving in and a wedding band 12 months after that

@alongtimeagoandfaraway

Haven’t read all posts but how about looking at spareroom.com for area he lives in. Look at price if a room in a shared house and base what you pay on that?

We did that in a similar situation, took top 10 rooms for the postcode, calculated average and then agreed a discount on that (as person paying rent wouldn’t be getting their own room 😀). Good emotion free way of agreeing a fair rent and keeping independence.

That sounds perfect ...and if he won’t take the cash then offer to pay bills to same value or failing that, gifts, nights out, holidays maybe.

There's no reason at all why you need to move in with a stranger you met on a walk who you've only been seeing for 3 months

Equally there’s no reason at all not to. If she’s there six nights a week, she’s basically moved in anyway and if it all goes horribly wrong she can move out as fast as she’s moved in. I really hate all this cynicism.

What does your mum think @SunshineOverStress?

Can’t believe someone has asked why hasn’t he proposed, he’s known her three months

This is going very fast op. I don’t have an issue with the housework in fact I think it’s fair you do half. It does not appear he’s asked for more than that.

The only thing I see a warning flag here is that you’ve known each other a few weeks, spend all your time together are moving in together and are talking about marriage and babies. However if you keep a level head and are happy to leave to go back to your mums if it turns bad then, take a chance. Personally I’d not live with someone after three months, but we are all different.