Moving in with boyfriend - how much do I contribute?

[SunshineOverStress]

So I’m 29, and have always lived with my mum apart from when I was at college and travelling.

My lovely boyfriend has asked me to move in with him, he doesn’t really work as owns multiple properties so is wealthy. I asked him what I need to pay and he said I don’t need to pay anything! He said just to help around the house. I don’t want him to end up feeling resentful or anything and want to contribute something but how much?!

Obviously I’ll pay towards food shopping!

I earn about 28k a year and outgoings without rent are about £780 a month

Ah I’ve just seen your update Op and see that you do in fact still see your friends and you have met his. That’s one less red flag for me.

Plus one extra 🚩 as you have been in more than one abusive relationship before.

I hope I’m wrong and he’s Everything you hope for. I’m glad you feel strong enough to walk away if it’s not.

You're young, no
children to consider & you have the security of being able to move back to your mum's.

You've been in bad relationships & you sound close to your family.

So as long as you are sure within yourself that you'd be confident enough to walk away if tings turned bad - then you have nothing to lose! Go for it!!

In the past I've been on both sides of this (But not as wealthy as your boyfriend!!) At one time I had my own house & the bloke I was with was lodging elsewhere. I asked him
to move in with me as it suited us both. He was just getting back on his feet after a
bad time & I was managing fine before he moved in so I didn't need a financial contribution. I just wanted him there!

Another time I met a guy when we were both on a course overseas (Where I was living short term) . We talked a lot & he travelled out a few times. We wanted to be together & he was in a good job (I was working, but working & travelling) so he asked if I'd move back to the UK & live with him. He knew it was a big sacrifice of my lifestyle (& couldn't do the job I was doing there, here in the UK) and he said he was happy to carry on paying the bills as he just wanted me there! (And other than a bit of food, I wouldn't be costing him anything anyway!!).

Life is give & take and money isn't everything.

Do as he's said, put what money you can aside for A property if you ever want to buy one.

Who knows this may turn out to be an amazing relationship and you may never move out.!!

Also, you can't keep up with his spending, so don't try! Don't spend more on a night out than you would if you were going out with friends or on a date. If he wants to spend £300 on a meal, you don't have to pay £60 for travel/drinks. Your income probably doesn't support that kind of expenditure whereas it's small change for him - and if you'd be happy with being at home or a cheap meal out don't feel compelled to over spend!!

@ALLIS0N

Just because I’ve lived At home with my mum I haven’t had limited life experience! Like I said, I’ve been backpacking around the world!

It isn’t my first serious relationship I’ve had two relationships lasting 3 years and others for shorter.
If anything I would say lockdown has meant we have got to know each other even more as I was furloughed originally and our “dates” would be 48 hours long at a time!

He has a very active social life and I also work on a Saturday and he does his hobby with his friends and I work one night a week doing another job too and he will also see his friends then, and I still see mine too, and just might stay at his afterwords! Also he sees his family a few times a week, and during the day and each Sunday we usually see them for a roast.

Why is it not normal that he looks after me whilst I’m round there? He has more free time than me so is happy to make my breakfast for me etc.

When I said about contributing towards food he said that would be nice. And he said just help around the house and clear up after myself - again, why would that be unusual? I’m not the tidiest people so I assume he means just do my bit so he’s not clearing up after me!

He’s not so rich that he doesn’t have mortgages on his properties - I never said they are all paid off?!

I said about my future financial security and he said he would be happy to buy a house with me In the future to help me get on the ladder and to have an extra income through renting it - this would be hard to do alone on my salary. He hasn’t spoken about marriage and kids in depth!! Just said he can actually see that in the future with me. Not in a weird or too full on way, and certainly not suggesting that would be anytime soon! surely these things come up in general conversation?

I honestly just think im very lucky I’ve found an amazing man (I’m sure they do exist!!) and fallen on my feet.

OP What is the point of posting? As you say I honestly just think im very lucky I’ve found an amazing man (I’m sure they do exist!!) and fallen on my feet

Surely if you were totally 100% happy you wouldn't be looking for advice (and being defensive) on a relationship forum. I'd say deep down you're not so convinced.

I honestly just think im very lucky I’ve found an amazing man (I’m sure they do exist!!) and fallen on my feet

I think you’re right. And I think a lot of the naysayers are massively projecting. It’s the oft repeated MN mantra that the possessor of a penis can’t be a decent person.

Backpacking round the world is a very different life experience from Co-habiting long-term (and house-shares at uni don’t count).

Really can’t see many obvious red flags at this stage with this man though...in fact some of the things mentioned remind me of ways I’ve behaved when I’ve tried to hard to please people as a result of previous abuse..could just be that having lived with women before he’s just well house-trained.

He’s not so rich that he doesn’t have mortgages on his properties - I never said they are all paid off?!
Op why doesn't he work? All these properties he owns, does he rent them out? If they're all mortgaged and the tenants are covering the mortgage I'd maybe be concerned what happens if something happens there, but then you can always lack a bag and leave. I wouldn't marry him or share finances without a better understanding but they're no reason to not give it a whirl.

And I'd take the "do stuff around the house" as meaning he's not going to boo waiting on you if you move in

I was only asking advice on what I should contribute, not because I have any doubts about him!

Yeh he has to manage a couple but has someone who does the rest so he does have to do a bit of work but minimal. He’s looking into setting up another business to focus on but our plan is to do some travelling together once COVID allows travel again.

@Cherrylipbalm surely she's posting regarding the question in the title, to canvas views on what to contribute, so that she's not being a CF. She's got a range of views and will make her mind up. Seems legit to me. And I still don't see what she's got to lose. If it goes pears, she goes back home and is no worse off, actually better off for saving £ in the meantime.

Why did you mention your future financial security to him OP? If the relationship is fairly new and moving into his house wouldn’t be a huge expense for you ...it’s not like you’re getting a mortgage together or am I missing something.

I asked about work because I think it would be easy to get resentful if you're working full time and he's literally day at home all day doing nothing. I meant f you intend to work after kids is great cos he's the default sahp but until then I think you're working 5 days and 1 night? Plus doing your share round the house and he's just hanging out every day

I get that, but he does do his bit and tbh is always doing something or sorting stuff out - he’s rarely just lounging about doing nothing.

He jokes that I will be a kept woman.. obviously it’s ultra early days and I won’t be quitting my jobs or anything but if I were to end up with him for years and years and married or whatever then I guess I wouldn’t want to be out working every day whilst he’s living the life of luxury lol but I’m not even thinking that far just yet! For now I’ll just enjoy it as I’m so happy and he just seems perfect for me!

For me these are two separate issues.

1. moving in with Bf after 3 months. I say confirming. You are young. Neither of you have children and you can go back to your mums if it doesn't work out.

2. your financial contribution to running a shared home. He isn't your parent. IMO you shouldn't think moving in with his has to be at no greater cost to you than staying with your mum (who I don't think has done you any great favours by charging you such minimal keep). You should be moving in with him because you want to. And that would most likely mean being more of an adult and paying mores of your living expenses.

His joke you will be a kept woman actually isn't a joke. Because you will. You won't be paying towards your living expenses. This creates a lack of equality within your relationship. And it isn't the way I would like to start my adult life.

A quick look at the threads here show you women who have given up their career to be the caregiver and then have the rug pulled out from under them as they get older and their chances of re-establishing their career decrease.

Is there ever such a thing as a free lunch? He can't be independently wealthy with such a large mortgage? So he must be working in some form (property management) to service his mortgage.

Go for it. Not confirming!

He jokes that I will be a kept woman..

Not a joke, he’s telling you what he wants.

🚩

To be honest, after being furloughed and not having to work, it would be a dream to be a kept woman and a lady of leisure

@ALLIS0N

He jokes that I will be a kept woman..

Not a joke, he’s telling you what he wants.

🚩

^this He presents it to you as a joke, this is a strategy designed to get it under your radar This man is wealthy... he is good at getting things to work in his favour

if I were to end up with him for years and years and married or whatever

Darling, there is no whatever. If you have children get married first. First rule of relationship self preservation.

A kept woman is a pet, a subordinate creature which you acquire for your own amusement, a gilded cage is still a cage

I definitely know to get married before children, and when that’s what I want I wouldn’t wait forever either! Xx

It’s always worth repeating. There are sadly many women who think they don’t need “a piece of paper” until it’s too late.

I would hate for my daughter to have that mindset. As I would hate to be kept by and beholden to anyone myself.

@VinylDetective

It’s always worth repeating. There are sadly many women who think they don’t need “a piece of paper” until it’s too late.

Indeed. Or all the women who think it’s a good idea in theory but doesn’t apply to them because

He’s rich
He’s poor
He’s religious
He’s not religious
He’s from a different religion
He’s from a different culture
He’s already married and his evil wife won’t give him a divorce
He’s waiting for the right time to propose
They don’t want kids
His family don’t like her
Her family don’t like him
He has trust issues
She doesn’t want to seem like a gold digger
His family want a pre nup
His ex cheated on him
His parents were divorced
He doesn't agree with marriage
It’s just a piece of paper
It won’t make them happy
He has commitment issues

There are very very few circumstances when it’s not in a woman’s interest to marry before she has kids, takes maternity leave and goes part time.

Oh I forget

We are saving up for a big wedding so decided to TTC in the meantime
We are engaged so that’s practically the same Thing
He will be on the kids birth certificate so that’s the same Thing
I trust him

Or my favourite
I accidentally got pregnant and I don’t want to look fat on my wedding day

This has all gone a bit Mrs Bennet from Pride and Prejudice. It’s a very new relationship, It’s not like OP is taking on half her boyfriends mortgage, she has somewhere to go if things don’t work out..it’s all bit early to be mulling over whether he’ll be a man of means in the future just because she’s moving in with him...it’s not like they are even sharing a rental contract...there’s no financial risk for her less even than if she rented a room in a shared house. I’m sure OP will think about issues of future financial security as and when things progress.

Im starting to feel a bit sorry for the man.