to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

[mollysmysteries]

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

Glad you are leaving him - I have lived with lots of men and this behaviour only occurs in the basic rate ones.

*don't

@Ritasueandbobtoo9 Satisfying suggestion but nothing would get through to this type. They would just gang up to decide you were hysterical or (my favourite) a psycho!

What am absolute cunt and what a bunch of horrid men. If I were you, I would leave. You don't need that in your life. I've put on about three stone since meeting dh (had two kids in between) his friends would never say anything and if they did then dh would end their friendship. You deserve so much better. I am sorry. As for his dm, totally out of order.

Leave him. What a pig.

MostTacticalNameChange

Yes, or a crazy bitch!

Leave him while you're still childfree. Get your PCOS under control and love yourself a bit more! This 'man' doesn't deserve you.

My DP can be passive and sometimes this stresses me out (ie doesn’t always stand up to our neighbours when they park in our parking space) and would rather avoid conflict than speak up at times. However no way would he stand for his friends speaking about me or any member of his family like this. You deserve so much better! You also need to question the type of people your DP is friends with. I would be seriously considering staying in this relationship. DP’s mum sounds mean too and your family sound like they care about you.

First, sympathies. It’s horrible to read nasty stuff about yourself. Second , please ask yourself if this is the dad you want for your children. Will he exhibit the qualities of loyalty, kindness, strength of character, backbone that you would like them to have and experience? If you have a daughter what messages will she get about women and their value / how they should expect to be treated by men from him?Same really for a son. What will they learn about relationships from the one you are in and will be in after having children? Don’t you want them to know that they should expect a partner who has their back and loves them unconditionally?

He sounds like a child. I wouldn’t tolerate such disloyalties, both in regards to his disgusting friends, and running home to Mummy. Please don’t have a baby with this horrible man until you’ve had time to think this through. When the chips are down, this idiot hasn’t got your back. Not acceptable in a life partner.

Vile , vile people. Run far away from him, his mother , his friends.

Just as a matter of interest what would happen if he gained 4 stones? It does happen, along with hair loss, teeth loss, illness and many other frailities.

Name change for this OP. This isn't going to get better. I had a boyfriend in my twenties and his friends took an instant dislike to me and just blanked me every time I was with him. I would just sit there all night by myself while they all talked amongst themselves. When I tried to join in a conversation they would just give me side eye and ignore me.

Twenty years later, as I look back on that in hindsight, I should have dumped him the first time it happened. Someone who cares about you, doesn't let other people treat you like that, it was bullying but they continued because he didn't do anything about it.

I'm still triggered by it and if I'm in a group and no one talks to me, I'll get up and leave as I just can't stand feeling like that. I blamed myself, wondering what I'd said or done to be treated like this as I had lots of friends. What it boiled down to though was my boyfriend shouldn't have allowed it to happen. I'd get shot of anyone in my life who was cruel and bullied someone I cared out.

It's not that it's just banter or joshing or messing around or a joke. They are foul pigs. Telling you to fuck off when you're upset is just plain bullying. They don't give a monkeys that you are upset and your boyfriend knows that but still hangs out with them. Most decent people would see how upset you are and do something about it.

He's acting OP. This kind caring individual is a mask because if he was a good person, he wouldn't have friends like that in the first place, no decent person would.

If I saw something like that about me, between a group of men, I'd cry and cry and cry. I LOATHE men like this. I couldn't respect anyone who chose to be friends with men like this or who thought this kind of misogynistic and racist commentary was just "banter".

I'm so sorry. You really deserve better, and you most certainly shouldn't think that you need to demean yourself or compromise your self respect by 'taking a joke'. Honestly. I pity the women who end up married to these creeps.

What a shower of shites. Screenshot and post on FB with them all tagged. Online bullying is despicable at any age. I wouldn't want to associate with any of them ever again, inc your partner.

“He's acting OP. This kind caring individual is a mask because if he was a good person, he wouldn't have friends like that in the first place, no decent person would.“

this

I hate getting involved in this type of thing but just sharing from my personal experience. My ex was a bit like that, had secret messages, not only with 'lads' on group chat, in the end I found out there was girls too which was apparently "harmless" ... it's not harmless because someone always gets hurt, and it's unacceptable, I'm with someone else now and we are also TTC and I still look back and think what time I wasted on that idiot. My current partner is so different to that, he respects me and we share everything. We have our privacy but I know he respects me enough to never mock me like that.

I relate to this so much because I too have PCOS, along with many other ferititly issues (we have had a couple of rounds of IVF as I'll never conceive naturally) and I am also struggling with my weight at the moment, when my partner met me I was a size 8 and I'm now a 12-14! He knows how horrible I'm feeling about my weight at the moment so I'd be mortified if he even mocked me that way, because I really can relate how sensitive this is for you due to having an underlying issue which affects your weight.

Also just to add, it's 2020 and you don't need to get married to try for a baby, really annoys me when people say this. Me and my partner may have considered marriage if we didn't need to pay for IVF etc, so not being married is F all to do with anyone.

And regarding his mother in law, I can't stand those mums that think the sun shines out of their Childs arses! If my partner pisses me off I can talk to his mum about it and she just talks to me like a friend and gives me advise, so that was so wrong of her to say.

Sorry for the long passage, I just felt I could relate. However, you need to do what's right for you and not think about all these comments to be honest. Leaving someone you've built a life with isn't that easy!

It sounds like your DP is friends with some horrible little boys, and he's too scared of being kicked out the group to call them out on their behaviour.

Imagine what his behaviour as a parent would be?

It's a shame that someone who is otherwise a nice person and a good partner is so weak but he has shown that you can't rely on him to have your back. He's also complicit in some really nasty things by not challenging his friends. He's a coward

What awful revolting men. So sorry OP.

I don't think I could get over this

Let me get this straight. Your DH's friends send him messages about your weight and your size?

I'd tell your DH he can pick between you and them and they are not welcome in your house. Any man who made fun of my appearance would get a massive blocking off me and then my DH would for not getting in there first.

I am so glad I had 4 brothers. I won't take any verbal crap off a man.

Leave and if you happen to speak to his mum again, I might add that she should see what they’ve said about her...but then I hate bullies and enjoy the idea of watching your other half squirm as he makes himself look unconvincing denying it.
Find someone who deserves you and good luck.

@Bluntness100

This exact thing was posted two or three months ago. I remember it distinctly. Even the whale reference. How odd.

I think OP posted it before as she mentioned it first being an incident in June.

How horrible. My OH wouldn’t stand for any of his mates making jokes about me. I wouldn’t stand for it from my mates if jokes were aimed at him either. If you can’t rely on your DP to defend you, then who can you rely on?
Totally out of order on their part and his. They sound more like a bunch of 15 year olds than 30 year olds.
I’d be gone...I couldn’t be with someone that didn’t have my back.

So much misogyny in the world. Is it getting worse?

Cross-post with mine, now that I'm reading this

No, but unfortunately I've seen tons of threads like this on here and reddit/womans sites when I desperately searched about women in similar positions- but they're usually about younger couples, not ones pushing 30.

I'm really confused. The exact same details were posted before, definitely. Couldn't be just a 'similar' situation, the interaction with the guys was the same, same awful insults...

I'm so sorry op, what a cruel thing to do.

By standing by and doing nothing, your DP is actually worse than his friends! You're meant to be the love of his life, the mother of his future children? This does not bode well.

It's disgusting that he's allowed their behaviour to continue unchallenged.

I'm not sure I could love a man that didn't have the guts to stand up to the most simple and childish bullying :(

I think I would be packing my bag, i'm so sorry, nobody deserves such callous, lazy, cruel treatment :(