Son hates university. Don't know what to do.

[Janedoughnut]

I (and younger son) took my son down (from Yorkshire) to university in London on Saturday. Dropped him off sat morning and left him while we booked into out hotel. Met him later for lunch until about 4pm where he went to his room and we went to our hotel. He text about 5pm saying he hated it so constant texting back and forth me trying to reassure him. He met his room mates later that evening and said they were nice but didn't feel like he had anything in common with him. We met him Sunday morning for breakfast. He was in a bad way, crying etc so we booked another night in hotel and spent the day with him. He went back to his room Sunday afternoon and within half an hour he's texting saying he hates it etc. Met yesterday morning and he seemed a little happier. I said we'd come down next weekend.

He text as soon as we got home yesterday saying he was lonely. Again this morning. He went to see student services thus morning and they told him to fill in a form online for an appointment.

I should add that he's autistic but no special needs. He has trouble with change and social situations.

Sorry for the length of this.

Can someone please give me some advice as I don't know if I should bring him home or be tougher with him but I'm worried about his mental health.

I've tried telling him that it'll be hard to begin with but that it takes time but it's falling on deaf ears.

When I moved in to halls at uni I regretted it within the first 48 hours. I was overwhelmed, shy, naive and not sociable. But I toughed it out ..2 weeks later I was loving it. Had the best 3 years ever! It's harder for your son as he's asd, but given time he will hopefully get used to the new routine. My flatmates weren't who I'd ideally chose but we became friends anyway and enjoyed our 3 years choosing to live together. I have an asd son so I can imagine your concern.

I'm glad hes feeling better about things and has some support. It must be incredibly difficult for you but from reading your posts although he is upset and says he hates it he hasn't actually said he wants to leave? If that is right then you are his supportive sounding board and you dont have to find a fix. He chose to go there and do the course so should at least let it start and maybe he is thinking this himself.

He should see student support service, he’s autistic and entitled to support.

Give it until the first term break... Then see how he feels...

TBH I couldn't wait to get out of London, born and bred there but it's changed...

He has moved to a very busy City but it can also be the loneliest place!

Only you (and his doctor) can judge the autism side of things, not total strangers on here!

Good luck!

It sounds like his autism has meant that he is experiencing a more extreme version of the nerves and apprehension that the vast majority of freshers experience when they start uni. Maybe he struggles to imagine that it will improve with time? The social awkwardness of meeting so many new people, not knowing your way around, new routines, suddenly having to figure out a lot more for themselves. It's such a huge change and a lot to take in.

Make sure he continues to access all the support available to him. I'm sure he will be able to settle into it and find his feet.

Most people I know hated uni for the first semester. He needs to give it time.

I too am a bit shocked you say your son is autistic but without special needs. That makes no sense. Do you mean without learning disability? That’s an entirely different thing. My son is autistic and at a northern city university (we live in London). He’s about to go back to start final year tomorrow. He found the first few weeks quite hard but it was very structured with social activities and the disability service was very open for visits, even though he didn’t really need it. Anyway he stuck it out and has been ok despite changing his course which was the most stressful part of all. I suppose what I think is that you can’t compare his experience with that of a neurotypical student and the mostly online experience is really tough at the moment. I’d Encourage him to stick it for a couple of weeks but no more if he really is hating it.

I feel for both of you - what a horrid thing to be dealing with... feeling homesick is awful, as is having everything on your shoulders as a parent. But you can support him and be there for him without bringing him home. It’s great you’re able to come down and visit next weekend. Maybe set up a situation where you look at a short time frame (4/6 weeks to start with?) and offer to visit regularly in that time (if you can’t, can a friend or relative he knows help out too?), so he knows he only has to go a few days until he sees a familiar face... this on condition he will join at least one uni group for fun and go out at least one night a week with roommates/course mates so he can start making friends. If he’s still nervous after six weeks do another six and so on... chances are he will soon be telling you not to bother coming down (!) but if not this will help him perceive the time in manageable chunks and give himself a good chance of settling.
Also try to suggest he does one “london” thing a week while he is here, even if it’s by himself, to get the best out of the city. The Transport museum is open if he likes tubes and trains...
It’s a really hard transition - but it’ll be a great sense of achievement for you both if he sticks it out long enough to settle. Three months minimum before you can really tell... Good luck!

The best thing my dDad ever did for me was drive me back to uni when I broke down and said I hated it and couldn't cope. He has since told me it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do for me as well. I don't use the degree I got there now, but every day I'm reminded of the skills and coping mechanisms I got. Oh and I also got a husband I'd never have met otherwise too

Hope student services are able to help and your son settles in to his new life soon.

If he likes trains/ underground he can check out the london transport museum in Covent garden.
There is a transport museum at brookfields which you can get to from Waterloo. They may be open again

I know it is hard to see your child unhappy but don’t let him come home for his own sake. My Mother gave into my Brother and let him come home. Over 20 years later he is still living with her and has never had the confidence to move out and make a life for himself. It’s a sad situation for both of them and I can’t help blame my Mother for not providing the tough love he needed....

Bring him home. Right now.

Have him in a university in the North and close to home.

I was brought up in Yorkshire. When you come down South it is sooooooo different. And London is an acquired taste all on its own. There is no need whatsoever for his university education to be complicated and very very much potentially negatively affected by being in London.

Get him to Sheffield or wherever. If he finds new groups etc difficult anyhow, omg just keep the challenge to that - being at uni. Not being at uni on the moon!!

Bring him home. No shame. No worries. It's ok son, let's have a look up here because it would be nicer to have you closer. No big deal.

I know a lot of v successful, confident kids who came home crying from one uni after a week or so, regrouped and went somewhere else and were much happier.

Bring that lad home now. In my humble opinion. Don't let him cry. There's no need.

I guess I'm alone here, but it sounds to me like he is not at all ready to go to university, especially so far from home and especially in London during semi-lockdown. If he were my son I would take him home and ask the University to let him do his work online this year. I think under current circumstances and given he is autistic they will be amenable to that. He will be happier and will feel that you listened to him and supported him.

One of mine went to uni before he was ready. He was miserable the first term, tried to go back after Christmas, hated it and came home. He took another year off redoing his a levels and went to a different uni after that. The difference in sending him at just-turned-18 and just-turned- 20 was night and day. He sailed in the second time, was happy as a sandbox for all three years and stayed on to do a masters. The difference is that he was ready.

Kids mature at different rates, and 18 is still very young. I've sent four to uni now and only this one didn't settle the first year. It sounds like your son is not mature enough to live on his own, in a big city, far from home, during a pandemic.

I would listen to him and if he wants to come home support his choice. There is NOTHING more important than his mental health.

mellowww

I agree. This is not something that should be endured. It should be a joyful time.

He needs to know there are options. That he has control over what is happening. That this isn't his only option for a successful life.

He needs to decide what to do- with no pressure, no cajoling, just the knowledge that whatever he decides you will support him 100%, and that this is not the end of the road.
He may be able to be transerred to a local course- there will be kids dropping out at every university, so totally worth contactig even a few weeks into the course. He won't have missed anything at freshers anyway because of covid.

Or he may decide to take a year out and reapply next year- that can be a fantastic thing for many students.
I feel sorry for the poor guy.

Localocal you are not alone- I completely agree.
18 is too young fpr some young people. Kids mature at different rates.

There is NOTHING more important than his mental health.

This.

And this.

I feel sorry for the poor guy.

@speakout

Localocal you are not alone- I completely agree. 18 is too young fpr some young people. Kids mature at different rates.

Me too.

Could you go down for a week so he knows you are around? Perhaps meet every other evening briefly?

I completely agree with posters saying mental health is the priority, it's fine to restart closer to home or later in life when you are ready, but we have to be careful. Our DC's generation has grown up being very protected from negative feelings, from fear and discomfort. We do all actually have to ride out some of this stuff some of the time if we are to function as adults.

So I wouldn't bring him home after an hour or two if he has autism. I would stay in contact, explain the new emotions are natural and normal and how to self soothe. Recommend some simple things to take his mind off the anxiety. If he's still miserable in two weeks, rethink and make it clear it's not a problem or a failure just a change of plan.

But we do have to allow them to experience very uncomfortable feelings and work out how to deal with them, cope and overcome them. Sounds to me like OP is doing just that and her son is already a bit happier.

He needs to give it time, at least until his lectures / classes start.

As well as disability support has he for a named personal tutor? I've not got a diagnosis but have some traits. I went to uni in my 30s and it was all very last minute so suddenly I'm in a flat in a city I don't know and had only visited once.

Once I had a reading list things were so much better. I had something to do. Your ds could possibly ask for a reading list.

Also tell him to leave his door open in he wants company, even if he has to get a doorstop.

I would also suggest he comes 'home' for the weekend a couple of times. Or do a Wednesday evening, so he comes home Wednesday, has a fun afternoon / evening and then sets off early Thursday to be back in time for class.

Ask him to bring something you can't get at home so he has to go out, something like a Fortnum and mason jam / chocolates.

He needs to know that 'home' has changed, his friends are no longer there they are in uni, things change.

How old is your younger son? Could he go stay with big bro for a night or two.

Its lovely to see there are so many caring and thoughtful parents here. It wouldnt have occurred to me to even tell my parents i was unhappy at uni. Hope your son has a good weekend and feels more positive about monday

I feel for your DS, OP. I have a son who will be in a similar boat when he's old enough, and once I know where he is going, I plan on writing him a personalised Survival Handbook with entries on where to get cash, where to wash clothes, what is expected socially as a minimum, where to go get help on everything, who to talk to on his course if he has problems with planning (executive functions are not a strength!) and getting work done, phone numbers etc. etc.

I wish I'd had something like that for my non-London uni, and at 6 weeks in I was so utterly miserable and lonely that my parents scooped up my best school friend (who was also miserable at her poly) and they all came to visit for the weekend. It turned me around, and I ended up having a wonderful rest of time there, enough to go on and do a masters in London (which was a much bigger challenge for living in).

Can you help him compile something that will help him, and may even help him focus on learning to live in a new place while he does it?

Im up in yorkshire now but use the megabus to London constantly for about £15 both ways. Only takes about 4 hours. If he decides to stay that could be a real lifeline for him.

Change is so extremely difficult for autistic people. They hate it and some will completely shut down. Uni should be able to give him more support.

I know it's heart breaking that he doesnt like it but it really is far too early to tell yet. What he is really hating is the change. Does he have many home comforts with him? Remember his entire would has changed and for autistic people that is hell. Even a routine change can through them off but he has moved to the other end of the country (lets face it Yorkshire and London are poles apart), he is on his own away from family, hasnt made friends yet, doesnt know the place, fending for himself.... his world is in chaos right now. Once he gets a routine he will settle but it will take time.

Going at weekends will help him settle, make sure he has lots of things from home, video calls, care packages... see if he can get involved in uni clubs - the busier he is the less time he will have to worry and the more people he will know.

Does he have classes yet? Maybe walk you around campus at the weeks - make him feel more comfortable with his new surroundings? Get him to show you places he goes or do some local research for him and show him places you know he will like in the area so he has some knowledge of where to go - that can be a great comfort.

Talk to uni and explain he is really struggling and that he is autistic because most people dont realise how stressful it can be. It's hard for those that arent autistic, but it's a whole new level for those that are. Student services should have something in place to support those who need it.

I would let him decide. I would say it's his future and his decision and you will support him whatever he decides, just point out tho that he might start to enjoy it after a few weeks, how does he feel about giving it until XXX date and look at options then.

Personally I wouldn't want him to be unhappy as that's what is most important to me their happiness and I'm sure you wont but dont let him feel like he's disappointed you.

Good luck xxx