Son hates university. Don't know what to do.

[Janedoughnut]

I (and younger son) took my son down (from Yorkshire) to university in London on Saturday. Dropped him off sat morning and left him while we booked into out hotel. Met him later for lunch until about 4pm where he went to his room and we went to our hotel. He text about 5pm saying he hated it so constant texting back and forth me trying to reassure him. He met his room mates later that evening and said they were nice but didn't feel like he had anything in common with him. We met him Sunday morning for breakfast. He was in a bad way, crying etc so we booked another night in hotel and spent the day with him. He went back to his room Sunday afternoon and within half an hour he's texting saying he hates it etc. Met yesterday morning and he seemed a little happier. I said we'd come down next weekend.

He text as soon as we got home yesterday saying he was lonely. Again this morning. He went to see student services thus morning and they told him to fill in a form online for an appointment.

I should add that he's autistic but no special needs. He has trouble with change and social situations.

Sorry for the length of this.

Can someone please give me some advice as I don't know if I should bring him home or be tougher with him but I'm worried about his mental health.

I've tried telling him that it'll be hard to begin with but that it takes time but it's falling on deaf ears.

I feel quite overwhelmed reading this. Its a massive ask isn't it? To move location,change of culture and in the middle of a world wide pandemic.
I apologise if my initial comments were hasty.

You might want to look at setting up a remote psychologist who can do some weekly zoom sessions with him to start as quickly as possible and to last for a while focusing on managing distress and recreating routine in a new environment

@Serengetiqueen's idea is good and if he has an SEN statement, then this is part of the package. DS2 will be getting 1 hour per week free and another hour focuses on helping him to organise his workload, structure his time etc. ASD teens need masses more support in the initial stages. But i know from DS's time at school that what seems like overkill of support at first leads to happy, confident self-reliance once they get the hang of it. It's just that, as with so many other aspects of life: change and new routines take ASD people far longer to cope with.

If he doesn't already have this level of support in place, he is entitled to it and now would be a very good time to set it up. I nagged DS2, who said he wouldn't need it, by insisting that it's fine if he doesn't but he has to have it in place at start of term so that it's available if he does.

I know someone who works as a life coach for students with ASC funded from disabled student allowance. Would be worth seeing if anything is in place locally or that he can access virtually?

Is he registered with mental health services at all? Healios is an online therapy service offered by quite a lot of mental health areas under NHS funding....look it up and see if that might be available.

fab update, and i just wanted to say my son (in his 5th year now) has always struggled in sept going to a new house, new friends, lack of structure etc. so weve finally figured it out but it took time. he got very depressed each new year and dropped out once and almost again hence the fact hes in year 5.

what he needs (your son too i suspect) is a routine. set alarms or write it down. eat (including fruit and veg as son found that lacking when he was in catered halls) exercise..go for a walk or run every day. and mingle. find a club hes interested in and join it. everyone is in the same position. they are all new!! it will get better once he has his lecture schedule

good luck to him xx

My son (also autistic) really enjoyed uni, but it did take a couple of weeks to settle. Very concerning that he was being taught to ‘play poker’ within hours of us leaving him! I really thought he’d be fleeced first (zero financial competence), but it was the making of him. Since uni he’s never been as settled tho’ can’t hold down a job etc. But uni was good, given time. I’d suggest reassurance but not to fetch him back.. Needs to ‘get a grip’.

I’m sorry but I think you are making it worse. You need to leave him there to find his own feet and encourage him from afar on what he could do. Every time you turn up it rubbing salt into those homesick wounds. He’s probably got too much time on his hands at the moment, but it won’t always be like that. I would also encourage him to speak with his tutor. It is important that they know so that they can help to support him.

We took my daughter to Surrey University saw her into her room and the following morning and all through the weekend she begged to come home, there was no one that she could imagine being friends with, she was completely out of her depth, everyone was different to her etc etc. We finally agreed to collect her the following week, fast forward to the next Thursday, she loved it she had a boyfriend everything was marvellous, bit like that song by Allan Sherman

How would he feel about swapping to another uni, one near home? If he’d be up ffor that and he contacts them this week he may be able to swap.

I very much he will swap unis immediately, if he's anything like my ADHD boy. He chose one uni, one course, only applied to that one and got the exact points needed. There would have been no budging him.

I agree with all the pp's in steering him to the available student services, any GP he may have registered with, any online counselling and just being a friendly ear at the end of the phone, with visits dotted in for odd weekends from here to Christmas.

I'm dreading next week, but my fingers are firmly crossed.

On a practical note, I wonder if these might help (as well as anything that the university is organising):

• Local pub quiz with flatmates. I love pub quizzes - because you have something concrete to do, there's less time for (nerve-wracking) small talk

• The london transport museum and the science museum both do events (the transport museum has quizzes and walks - again, less small talk!) Depending on where his halls of residence are, he may be close to one of them. Check out the events pages on their websites.

I hated uni at first. I'm not autistic but I have severe anxiety, and was having several panic attacks a day in my first week. Eventually made friends with my neighbour in halls, and life improved immeasurably.

I'd say give it till his reading week if you can (depending on funding and fees), then look into transferring nearer home.

Best of luck to you both

@Thisismytimetoshine

Wow. He gave it an hour?

He has autism!

You could try the marks out of ten for today option and say you can both then review it after perhaps a couple of weeks. It can help push out the decision making and more clearly identify if things are going in the right direction. Good luck.

Firstly, what a lovely Mum you are. Plenty of parents would take a view of telling him that it was his decision to go to London so he had to accept the situation. It is definitely worth trying to persuade him to just take it day by day - just take "baby steps" - he can't expect for it all to be perfect at the start - life isn't like that. Maybe he could text you each day one good thing, however, small that happened that day.

Also He won't have got into the interesting bits of his course yet so that will change things for him. Remind him that social life/ friends etc are only one part of University and it takes time for this side to develop.

Because of COVID the support for his situation might be less personal and interactive. I really hope he carries on and gives it longer.

I went to uni with a young lady who had turned 18. She found it hard to be separated from her parents and family and her dog, all of which she was very close to. She didn’t have very good money management skills either. It was her first time away from home and fending for herself. It took her a lot of getting used to and a lot of support from her older uni friends (myself included), I was 31/32 at the time With a young family of my own). She graduated with a degree. It just takes time to learn to manage on their own and get used to doing things and learning how to do it. OP I hope your boy gives it more time, as that’s what it does take, lots of time and learning and it is a lot to get used to for any young person.

My son went to university last year and loves it which is unusual as he normally hates everything and everyone - I’m sure it will get better although it’s difficult times for students socially because of Covid. He will be stuck in his bubble of 6. Try to tell him to mix with his housemates and involve himself. I’m not sure if lectures will be taking place or online but he will meet new people through that too. Can I ask what Uni he’s at as I may be able to point you who to talk to and can help etc

Which college? And which faculty?
My DD2 was at King's, not autistic but severe anxiety and been treated for other MH problems.
Student support was pants tbh. She's quite a bright girl, 2 A*s and 2 Bs at A level, not startling but no dunce, she ended up with a 2.2 and a middling one at that. She was pretty miserable most of the time she was there, if her older brother hadn't been around at music college I don't know what she'd have done. This was a classics degree.
We're from Yorkshire too btw, DD a bit of a, "country bumpkin" loves long walks and pootling round shops in small market towns. Not a night clubber, prefers quiet time with close frIends down the local pub.
I wouldn't recommend the place to a child with any kind of special needs.

I would persuade him to stay for the first term. Then if he still hates it, tell him to quit. My eldest for all sorts of reasons ended up attending three universities (and four sixth form colleges) until he finally settled. Ended up getting a first! And now very happy. Good luck. Wishing your son well.

He may just need more support until he settles in and finds his feet. Good he is talking about how he feels Best of luck x

I knew I hated uni straight away and wish I had withdrawn quicker. As it was, I had a miserable year and was eligible for the fees. We aren't all made for the university experience. Nothing, nothing is worth being miserable for. I'm glad I finally got my degree but looking back I could have achieved the same outcome via open University.

Bless you OP. No suggestions but you sound such a lovely Mum I hope he settles soon

It can be really hard. He may find his people and settle. Find out how to to talk to the support officers at his halls to keep an eye on him.

However, he also may not settle. If this happens, don't worry. It happens more than you can imagine. He may want to transfer or take a year outl All this is fine and par for the course. Encourage him to give it a go and find a society for an interest he has. That is the best way to find like-minded people and make friends.
It is very hard when all you are getting is distressed calls but this happens so often. It will be ok one way or the other. I have seen it many many times.

I work in Admissions and have worked in uni accommodation.

Really hope it all works out for him OP!

Bless him. Keep encouraging him and praise him for each day. To have got into uni and managed a few days so far away is amazing. He might not be enjoying it at the moment but he is doing it.

Go back this weekend and ask him to give you a tour. Where can he hang out outside of his room? Go to those places and have him take his iPad or computer and you take yours. Spend 30 minutes just sitting and get a cola drink. Next go to another place he can study like the library of a quiet hall with benches. Again settle in and spend 15 or 30 minutes sitting and playing on your phone. The find the place he eats and sit outside on a bench and spend 15 minutes. You are helping him find places he can be comfortable in. This is how he will be happier.