Son hates university. Don't know what to do.

[Janedoughnut]

I (and younger son) took my son down (from Yorkshire) to university in London on Saturday. Dropped him off sat morning and left him while we booked into out hotel. Met him later for lunch until about 4pm where he went to his room and we went to our hotel. He text about 5pm saying he hated it so constant texting back and forth me trying to reassure him. He met his room mates later that evening and said they were nice but didn't feel like he had anything in common with him. We met him Sunday morning for breakfast. He was in a bad way, crying etc so we booked another night in hotel and spent the day with him. He went back to his room Sunday afternoon and within half an hour he's texting saying he hates it etc. Met yesterday morning and he seemed a little happier. I said we'd come down next weekend.

He text as soon as we got home yesterday saying he was lonely. Again this morning. He went to see student services thus morning and they told him to fill in a form online for an appointment.

I should add that he's autistic but no special needs. He has trouble with change and social situations.

Sorry for the length of this.

Can someone please give me some advice as I don't know if I should bring him home or be tougher with him but I'm worried about his mental health.

I've tried telling him that it'll be hard to begin with but that it takes time but it's falling on deaf ears.

Get him to contact the universities in commutable distance from you to se rug they have any places on their courses for a transfer. He’s a grown man now so he should be taking the responsibility for this himself.

Oh, it is horrible to be a parent in this predicament, isn't it?

I hope he can stick it out as it will get better, but it is so hard to hear them on the phone and being so far away.

Try to encourage him to interact with flatmates as many of them will be feeling the same way.

I would ask him to give it at least 6 weeks as this new term for Universities is a steep learning curve due to the Covid restrictions. Many fresher activities will have to be curtailed or adapted and so it will take more time for people to gel together.

not managed to read through the whole thread but a couple of things that spring to mind:

Is he really really excited about his course? He might get a little happier once it starts. Is his course mainly online or will he have labs etc?

London unis can be pretty lonely places at the best of times - and will be really lonely places this year. We expect lots of our students to be lonely. A lot of them are set to come to London excited about making lots of new friends - they wont and many will end up pretty disappointed with that. Unis themselves are definitely expecting this/fearing a huge number of drop outs before the end of October. The student experience simply wont be the same as before.

If he doesnt settle within a month of starting his course - (when you can ask if he would prefer to do it remotely - most unis will allow it this year) - then yes maybe he should quit. Or check out if any of the local unis have a good course.

He will meet a few people - in his student halls, the few f2f activities. But it wont be the same. On the plus side, if he is autistic then he won't like large parties anyway and small groups of six are still allowed to meet so that might be to his advantage.

Is he a sociable boy at home, does he have friends that he hangs out with, maybe others who are also in freshers’ weeks elsewhere? Could any of them give him a call to chat? Or if he is not very sociable anyway, perhaps reassure whom that socialising is not compulsory. London is actually a brilliant place to hang around by yourself- so much to do with museums etc, even now.

Hello OP

My DS is also at a London uni; he's just about to start his second year. We live close enough to allow him to commute. If you'd like to, PM me the name of the uni your DS is going to. If my DS is at the same one, I'm sure he'd meet up with your DS to show him around and help him find his feet.

Has your DS discovered The Student Room website yet? My DS found this to be a great source of info and peer support. This page is specifically for the London universities. There are also sections for disabled students and mental health.

The weather in London is going to be lovely for the rest of the week. Could you encourage your DS to explore his surroundings? 101 free things to do in London.

I assume your DS wanted to do the uni course he's on? What career will this lead to? The next time your DS calls, could you encourage him to talk about the aspects of the course and future career that he's most looking forward to?

If he drops out, how will he achieve his career goal? I'd talk about this with my DS to make sure he'd thought through his decision very carefully and actually had a plan B.

I'd personally want my DS to give it a chance, at least until he'd attended a couple of lectures/virtual lectures. I told my DS that if he dropped out of uni, he would be expected to get a full-time job or increase his hours at his volunteering role. I definitely would not allow him to sit at home on Xbox for a 'gap year' without either contributing to the household finances or society.

Good luck to you and your DS

London universities. It’s just not the same

He's spoken to the Counsellor and says he feels a lot better. The counsellor has emailed the student support for his course (computer science) and the disability service for them to contact him. The counsellor mentioned may be doing the course at home as everything is online but he doesn't know how long this would be for as presumably they'll go back to face to face lectures at some stage I would have thought.

I'd just like to say thank for the support as a lone parent I'm on my own with this! And for the very kind offers from people with children at London universities offering meet ups.

@Illdealwithitinaminute - following on from you - this year is different.

Not sure which uni he will be at - but it might be all online or maybe one hour f2f per week. thats all. all other services will also be online.

so you do need to keep an eye out on his mental health. it will be lonely for everyone and especially for someone with autism.

@Janedoughnut - they will not be going back to f2f lecture this academic year............even seminars might end up being all online.

again not sure where he is at in London - but my uni is basically all remote for stuff like computer sciences this year exc for 1hr per week (if they are lucky).

but if it is computer sciences - then why dont they try to somehow create a 'RL' study group. Ok they need to keep it to six people but it is possible.

If you've always done everything for him and babied him, it will be extra hard for him.
It's good he has an appointment with the counselor there. It sounds like deep down he wants to make it work or he wouldn't have taken those steps.
Hopefully he can arrange to check in with student services once a week or fortnight for awhile. That will help him immensely to transition.
You know you have to let go. Remember what part of your job as a parent is to raise a healthy, happy, independent member of society.
Most of the kids there are going to feel lost and homesick and are also looking for new friends.
So try to slowly cut back on the phone calls.

I know you have told him how hard it will be but have you told him how proud you are and that you believe in him and how much fun there is to have in London?

Got to comment on here to say you sound like a brilliant lovely mother ❤️

I wonder if he'd be interested in something like this?

www.ltmuseum.co.uk/learning/young-people/young-volunteer-programme

The Transport Museum depot, in Acton, is as far as I know, mostly run by volunteers on a day-to-day basis. If he's not too far from it, I'd definitely recommend a visit and to find out about volunteering.

Ofcourse he has special needs if he’s autistic
Christ
He needs support in place before he goes

Glad he has spoken to a councellor, did he tick the disabilities box on the UCAS form, so the Uni can assess him for DSA grant and extra support? If not, he needs to get on to that asap. It's well worth it, DS got far more help and support at uni than he ever got at school or sixth form.
As did DD, who is now going into her 3rd year tomorrow (and also has ASD and Dyxlexia.) She was in a similar state to your son as a fresher, and we had a lot of sobbing phone calls and texts 😞 We did say she could come home if she really wanted to, but that she should try it for at least four weeks, before making a decision. By Christmas, she didn't want to leave, and is sad this is her final year.
I suspect, like DS, she will stay on as a post grad!

Is he in halls? I know most universities have student support buddies / junior Deans of whatever they may call them at his uni. This would be a good support. Also, register with student support - they can be a great resource. Finally, when is freshers week for him? Joining societies with like minded people can make all the difference. Good luck!

Tread carefully. Hes autistic, can’t deal with change and gone all the way from Yorkshire to London. Sounds like a recipe for mental health issues.

I would suggest transferring to a local Yorkshire university if he still hates it after a month.

He very much does have special needs. He's autistic and needs to be supported through the transition. I think you need to find out what help is available to him. Basically he needs a transition plan with appropriate support. Poor kid. This can't be easy.

I feel very sorry for him

I feel sorry for all DC who are bravely heading off to uni this year with no freshers ice breakers, no face to face contact - nothing concrete and immersive to take their minds off the fact they have left home.
I especially feel for ASD students. Waved goodbye to my own ASD son today and he's already phoned with a wobble. But we have to allow them to be upset. We have to reassure them that feleing upset and wanting to run home is normal and natural. It's a very recent phenomenon to assume that unless people are shiny happy 24/7 something is drastically wrong and emergency measures must be taken. Of course he's panicky and weeping. He's just left home. Everyone feels like that. It's just ASD people don't hide it or suppress it as easily as NT people.

I just reassured DS that he could cope, that his feelings are natural, everyone shares them even if they don't all show it, and that they will pass when he settles in. We have to allow them to have negative and extreme emotions as part of the whole range of experience at a huge upheaval in a time of national crisis. Life is weird and it just got weirder. Support them but not panic for them. It's OK for them not to swan in, all confident. It doesn't mean they won't survive, long term.

I really feel for you and I'm glad he's seen a counsellor. It's really too soon to be giving up on it but I understand why you're so worried, I was too when I had the same experience with my DS.

He hated his first uni (he realised a few lectures in that he had chosen the wrong course) but he stuck at it for the first semester before making the decision to leave. It all worked out great in the end, he went to a different uni doing a different degree and has flourished.

It's early days for your DS but if he does end up leaving, there are always other options and he will get there in the end!

Except some of us have had a nightmare time with our children with ASD . really terrible experiences, are really relieved. they have s movsd out.

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Oh ffs why do we not have an edit button @ MNHQ!
Really relieved they have moved out and the other children can relax a bit"!

Glad to hear he's seen a counsellor and feeling a bit better. There may still be ups and downs, hope the general trend is up!

That's an encouraging update OP.