Son hates university. Don't know what to do.

[Janedoughnut]

I (and younger son) took my son down (from Yorkshire) to university in London on Saturday. Dropped him off sat morning and left him while we booked into out hotel. Met him later for lunch until about 4pm where he went to his room and we went to our hotel. He text about 5pm saying he hated it so constant texting back and forth me trying to reassure him. He met his room mates later that evening and said they were nice but didn't feel like he had anything in common with him. We met him Sunday morning for breakfast. He was in a bad way, crying etc so we booked another night in hotel and spent the day with him. He went back to his room Sunday afternoon and within half an hour he's texting saying he hates it etc. Met yesterday morning and he seemed a little happier. I said we'd come down next weekend.

He text as soon as we got home yesterday saying he was lonely. Again this morning. He went to see student services thus morning and they told him to fill in a form online for an appointment.

I should add that he's autistic but no special needs. He has trouble with change and social situations.

Sorry for the length of this.

Can someone please give me some advice as I don't know if I should bring him home or be tougher with him but I'm worried about his mental health.

I've tried telling him that it'll be hard to begin with but that it takes time but it's falling on deaf ears.

I think it’s totally normal too feel like that at first, being autistic just makes it harder to see things getting any better, he’s probably focusing on the bad bits (missing home, new surroundings). I’m sure I will have all this when dd goes to uni, I am pushing her towards a uni that has better support for people with ASD and where she can possibly stay in halls, I’m sure she will still find it hard but I think they need to at least give it a term to settle into the new routine and surroundings. As I tell dd “mental health is more important than qualifications”, if he doesn’t settle after a reasonable time then there are many other options.

What actual education will he be getting ? Is it just sitting in his room in online lectures? And then being stuck with the same bubble of strangers for all other purposes? Because I'm borderline ASD and I would have hatedthe covid version of uni. Finding my people was the most rewarding part. If it's all online couldn't he just do it from home?

What about his course? Has that started yet? After all, that is the main reason that people go to University. Is he excited about starting that, perhaps meeting like minded people studying the same thing will be the key to a social life? Did this University offer some specific course he couldn’t get elsewhere? If so, maybe remind him to focus on being in a great place for learning fist and foremost. After all, he could just lie low for a bit, do the work, go out exploring the area by himself to get his bearings and not worry too much about the social interaction at first.

Sorry haven't read the thread but could you try and give him something to look forward to that's in his and your control (a trip home next weekend, you travelling to visit and going on the underground to somewhere interesting).

Good luck.

I told mine that feeling homesick is unpleasant and completely normal, but its usually temporary. It fades as we find our feet and settle in. It also helps us to get through it when we can focus on things to do to distract us.

I think we need to discuss how things feel with our kids to prepare them. I did this with everything I could think of, including getting drunk.

This happened to my cousin. He lasted a couple of hours and had to be picked up. My uncle took him home for one evening and was sympathetic but told him he needed to get on with it and that he wouldn’t visit for at least 2 weeks. He took him back the following morning. He stuck it out and eventually graduated happily.

Not quite the same , but my neighbour has a student living in her house, while he attends sixth-form college. He is only sixteen and has come from Eastern Europe, so no-one with whom he could converse in his own language. He is a keen runner and has already joined a sports centre.
He speaks excellent English and is settling well, helped by the fact that my neighbour is a professional cook /chef 😀
This is just me saying how amazed I am at how confident he is, he seems so very young, and had never been to the UK before!

I'm autistic. from my experience and only mine, reducing support and being tough is the worst response. I promise im not trying to frighten you but I was told I couldnt go home from uni for the first month. Within two weeks I was sent home having severely self harmed, and I never had done before that.
This is just my own experience.
Hopefully he will react differently and settle in, but you can still be there for him, as you are doing.
University should provide support and a mentor for him. Please keep phoning student support.

Change is hard. Give it time. I feel the autism may be something of a red herring here. He may need a timetable, basic self care and so on. Perhaps " book in" calls home and so on.

Oh gosh, perhaps my thoughts are way off the mark. Did you have discussions and plans in place before he went? Can you put some plans in place now?

I was like this first time I went to university very young. I gave it a term but I really really couldnt carry on like that. Id maybe try and get him to do a couple of weeks at least- but this is very common. TBH I think they go to university too young.

Also the people who go always present it as endless fun and freedom when that just isnt really the case.

@user1471565182

Also the people who go always present it as endless fun and freedom when that just isnt really the case.

I think you mean that isn’t always the case. I can still remember how free I felt from the very moment I arrived, and I had a lot of fun. Loved my home and family but was very ready to spread my wings. Not suggesting that means everyone should feel the same-far from it- but it can be amazing.

I should add that he's autistic but no special needs. He has trouble with change and social situations.

This sounds like a contradiction in terms.

Has he applied for DSA?

www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/disabled-students-allowances-dsas

He could use it to pay for support as he is finding things so difficult.

Well surely it wasnt all fun and freedom all the time? I feel like thats how its represented and the course is secondary. I was much happier when I went a second time to a proper old fashioned college type place to do a degree, with set 8 hour days (almost like being at 6th form). I was much better with that structure and without the social expectations, whilst working at the same time.

I wasnt going to mention it but I see somebody else has, my friends son went to university last year, he has autism as well and ended up having a breakdown also, so you do have to be very careful.

Has he done anything before where he found it really overwhelming to start with but then gradually adapted and became more comfortable? It doesn't matter if it's not directly comparable, all that matters is that you find the best example you can of when he managed to overcome similar feelings to remind him that he can do it. The more examples you have the better really.

Please ignore everyone who is telling you to go down the tough love route - you will have a pretty good idea if that'll work for your son by now and I'm guessing you know it won't. It is exhausting supporting a young person with autism but please keep at it, keep that communication up and keep reassuring even if it feels like you're saying the same thing over and over again. Encourage him to push through but if you can see that he's reaching his limits then don't be reluctant to go and get him IF that's what he wants. Even if that happens this experience will have taught him a lot that he can use to have another try next year if he chooses. I had to do that when I started college, the experience was just so overwhelming and I hadn't been at all prepared so struggled to adapt. I went back the next year and managed to complete my exams, thanks to learning from my previous experience and some careful preparation.

Again thank you for taking the time to respond. If he wasn't autistic then maybe I'd be able to be tougher with him as many suggest but because of how the autism affects him I really don't think this is the best way forward. If I were to tell him to get on with it he would take it as me not caring. I've been pushing him this morning to find someone to talk to there and he's just text me to say that he's got a meeting with a counsellor now. I really hoping this will help.

They have no lectures etc this week and all other stuff is online meetings like the course welcome one today. The course starts next Monday but is going to be online so it's very isolating for him.

With regard to him going to London it was totally his idea and somewhere he loves.

I have prepared him over the months telling him how hard it will be and that it will take time for him to settle.

If he loves trains and the underground then try to find some groups (possibly or likely not University ones) that are involved with spotting. Send him the links and help him set it up that he joins their meetings/social events. Get on google or Meet Up to find out what’s about. He won’t be likely to self start on this so you can do this for him and set him on his way. He just needs to find his people.

I'm another one wondering why your son chose to go to uni in London if he doesn't like change? If he went to London for the trains and underground why was he wanting to leave after an hour of being there? Perhaps a uni closer to home would be better for him?

Great that he's got a counselling appointment. I really hope it helps.

This is the major improvement we've seen in the 30 years since I was in his position, we're all so much more switched on to mental health needs.

Dd is autistic, it takes time for them to adapt but there is support at the university (far better than fir the general population). I actually would caution against going back so soon, he needs time to settle in. Of course this year is different, the activities to keep them busy won't be happening, but you need to help him see he needs to give it time

I've been pushing him this morning to find someone to talk to there and he's just text me to say that he's got a meeting with a counsellor now. I really hoping this will help.

I think it's a positive thing that he's organized and is going to a meeting with a counsellor. It means he wants to get some support rather than just give up without trying.
See how that goes.
I think if the entire course is going to be online it's going to be much harder than it would be normally - so that's something to consider. Could he do the course from home for a while if he's struggling? Could he defer and start next year when hopefully people will be able to go to lectures in person again and actually meet coursemates?

I’m really sorry you are going through this, i know it’s very stressful for you.

Reach out to whatever support the uni can offer, I was very fortunate as my daughters uni has excellent student services.

Whilst I would like to say he should give it more time I think you will have to try and use your best judgement as to when to draw the line.

I feel for students starting this year, the social aspect will be very limited and online seminars means that they won’t mix with the other students in the course. Usually there are societies connected to their subject,, perhaps encourage him joining, or another society if there is one he is interested in.

What is he studying?

Can he write a list of all the reasons he chose there - trains, London, course etc and focus on that? Say it’s a chance to explore, visit certain museums (book online first call empty at moment). Just take a week to do a few things he would like so he has a nice time and then reconsider next weekend?

I think OP, just give it a little time and get some support for yourself.