Son hates university. Don't know what to do.

[Janedoughnut]

I (and younger son) took my son down (from Yorkshire) to university in London on Saturday. Dropped him off sat morning and left him while we booked into out hotel. Met him later for lunch until about 4pm where he went to his room and we went to our hotel. He text about 5pm saying he hated it so constant texting back and forth me trying to reassure him. He met his room mates later that evening and said they were nice but didn't feel like he had anything in common with him. We met him Sunday morning for breakfast. He was in a bad way, crying etc so we booked another night in hotel and spent the day with him. He went back to his room Sunday afternoon and within half an hour he's texting saying he hates it etc. Met yesterday morning and he seemed a little happier. I said we'd come down next weekend.

He text as soon as we got home yesterday saying he was lonely. Again this morning. He went to see student services thus morning and they told him to fill in a form online for an appointment.

I should add that he's autistic but no special needs. He has trouble with change and social situations.

Sorry for the length of this.

Can someone please give me some advice as I don't know if I should bring him home or be tougher with him but I'm worried about his mental health.

I've tried telling him that it'll be hard to begin with but that it takes time but it's falling on deaf ears.

It took me a whole semester to settle. He needs to give it time

You need to stand firm on this one. By constantly texting etc you’re not doing him any favours.

I would firstly step back from the constant texting, so tell him you know it’s tough but he needs to give it time to get to know people and get settled. Everyone is in the same position as him so while he feels lonely he’s not alone. Iyswim. And then curtail the texts to maybe one or two a day. That will give him the chance to actually get out and concentrate on something other than wanting to be texting you 24/7.

And I would make it clear that at this stage coming home isn’t an option, maybe say that if he still feels like this by the end of term he can come home, but make it very clear that if he does then he’ll be expected to go out to work and pay his way.

He’s an adult, and he needs to start taking some responsibility for himself.

He hasn’t really given it enough time has he? Texting you after an hour! I’m sorry but he needs to be mature about it and give it a proper chance. Do you usually baby him?

Definitely needing some tough love.
Did you express concerns about him moving so far? If so did he give them consideration?
What would happen with regards his accommodation contract if he leaves?

I’d do up a parcel with some of his favourite foods etc and some stuff that he likes-ITunes voucher etc.
No way he can give up this quickly. I have 2 step kids with autism who are allowed to pull out of courses and commitments all the time. Neither of them will be able to hold down a job at this rate.
It’s tough but you need to BE tough for his long term benefit.

He HAS to give it enough time. He cant be autistic and not have SN really, if he is struggling to adapt to change. You can't get him home yet.

Slightly different but when mine go on Brownie / Guide camp we are asked not to contact them because it just makes any home sicknesses worse.

To be honest there were a fair few NT kids who struggled in my hall, and that wasn't in the midst of a global pandemic to make things worse.

DD1 struggled massively last year, and again after being home for reading week. She contacted student services and her uni had support in Halls that she called on. She was fully settled by Christmas. Your DS needs to push for all the support he can get and give it some more time.

Hope he's ok.
I think mentorship be good.
Or a uni near home

Has he gone to Uni straight from school? As others have said, maybe he's just not ready. It's a huge step for most teenagers - add in autism and Covid and it's even more challenging.
My DS (also autistic) went to a Uni far from home (in fact a boat/plane ride away) initially. He stuck it for a year - although he had given us the impression he was enjoying it - and a few days before Yr2 he actually cried and said he wasn't going back. He took a year out and worked in retail whilst deciding on a different Uni and totally different course (moved from sciences to humanities). He has just graduated and is going back to do a Masters. He grew massively in confidence during his year out/in work and has really enjoyed his last 3 years.

Let him explore all avenues of support but at the end of the day there is no point in forcing the issue if he is desperately unhappy. Happiness comes first.

I'd opt for a university close to home. He's autistic and this could trigger MH problems. It did for my DGS. He had a breakdown.

He is pretty far away from home - Yorkshire to London. He would probably be loads happier to be more local to you, if not live at home and travel in to uni for his lectures. My son hated living at uni the first year and he came home and travelled in (it was doable, he only had lectures 2 days per week) and worked in a local supermarket for the other days. He has gone into his second year this weekend and is living with mates in a house share this time, which he really seems to like. There is zero shame in him coming home. Don't "be tough" or "be cruel to be kind" and leave him to suffer if he really hates it. That is horrible and unkind.

Would he be better at a university near home so he can live at home?

My DD is also autistic and she would never have coped with this situation. She was a distance student for the first year. Studying at home most of the time but staying overnight at the univeristy when there were exams and practicals. Then she transferred to the same course but on campus for the second year. This meant she only had to cope with moving out, she was already used to the university and knew her tutors and some of the other students.

I think it’s up to him. He’s 18. There shouldn’t be any letting him or not letting him come home. He’s an adult and should be treated at such. He makes his decision and you support him.
The only question should be ‘what do you want to do?’

On a slightly different topic, my friend's DD has ADHD but medicated (Ritalin) and she went away to college (uni) in USA about 2 years ago.

They have a specialist set up for students with certain needs who have autism etc. During her first year she was very lucky to be able to spend a term in Italy.

What sort of support network do they have for your DS?

My friend's DD I think knew of 2 other students attending this college but she's been encouraged to get support from students but also the college itself and luckily some family members live in the same state for support. She also has some gaming interaction like Fortnite too.

I'd encourage your DS to give it a bit more time because surely he must have had some talks with you about this before he went or applied to uni?

Disclaimer: I have asd and so does my ds. It’s likely your ds will need more support with the transition.

I would keep a very close eye. I have an autistic son at university and it has been very hard for him. He has had some very helpful social support from student services but his department have absolutely ignored him and let him flounder. I have to be in constant contact with him to get him to lectures, hand in work etc and he is only there by the skin of his teeth.

My gut tells me that he would have been better off living at home and studying locally, but he is determined to complete his degree and has learnt a huge amount about living independently.

Uni can be tough (I remember being a bit lovely and homesick at times).

He needs a plan of action:

a) give it until Christmas. If he still hates it then he can transfer for a local uni and stay at home?

b) Get stuck into uni work, that will help distract him.

c) join a union society. Does he like sport or computers? Join up and meet some like-minded people.

OP the student's union should have a welfare officer who is usually a student who has just graduated or who is doing a placement year. They are usually very caring and would be a good person for your son to get in touch with.
They should be able to help, maybe by getting in touch every day to check in with him, signposting him to other groups or individuals etc. Get him to message them, most unions have a virtual activities/freshers Facebook page or a student's union website with details of how to contact each sabbatical officer. It's a really tough time at the moment with people operating remotely but there is support out there.
Hope he feels better about it all soon.

I am in the same boat OP so I have no magic answers but offering a handhold. My DD19 (undiagnosed, but definitely has traits as well as Anxiety which she takes medication for) - we dropped her off on Saturday and she is very up and down, me and DD26 has spent a good while on the phone with her.
She wanted to go, as we pointed out that the alternative was NOT going, and fingers crossed she will get there in the end.
She is in halls and says the people are nice but no one she really likes. She says the events for next week are not things she would like (But we've told her to go anyway and look on it as 'work' to make some friends and eventually she will click with someone.
She has the clubs fair tomorrow and we've told her she HAS to go and join at least two clubs- PRIDE (She is gay, and I am hoping she will find her people there) and one other.
We'll see what the rest of the week brings.

He may well be happier when lectures start. He should also search online freshers fair for societies that he'd be interested in. He's far more likely to meet kindred spirits at a society than in a flatshare. My flatmates were generally awful, but I found people I liked through student societies and moved in with them in the 2nd year and loved it.

Adding in the A-levels stresses this year, being in a pandemic etc. it's a tough year. He may be concerned about getting cut off from home if lockdown happens. Add in autism and I can sympathise with him. He's got a lot to deal with on top the standard stress of starting uni. Maybe as a PP suggested, giving an option to leave at Christmas might help take the pressure off him, and allow him to give it a go. Giving his autism, then seeing what extra support he can access is a good idea.

When I first got dropped off at uni (4 hours from home) I was absolutely gutted, it felt so strange and I was so scared and I just wanted to go home. My mum always told be I could come home if I wanted but that she really thought I should give it a good go. She never said no but she also never really said ‘okay come on home then’. I stuck it out and it ended up being the most amazing experience and I met my future DH and lots of lifelong friends. If I had gone home in that first week (like I wanted to) I would have always thought ‘oh it just wasn’t for me’. But as it turned out, it so was!

Does the halls have a "warden"? I can't remember what they call them, but usually there are masters / post grad students living in the halls who are available 24/7 for anyone who is lonely etc. They normally put signs up in the front entrance with their details and room number on.

I really feel for you, as it's such a strange time anyway. Could you agree a time scale with him, such as try the first 4 weeks of the course and reassess? I went to uni in London and found it better when the course actually started.

Ok, this was me, you need to encourage him to stay. My dm refused to take me home, and I hated uni. However after a week I began to settle, made friends and enjoyed my course.

And my experience was totally different. I hated being in halls of residence and the whole uni experience so much that I became depressed, verging on the suicidal. Most horrendous experience of my life. The only way I could cope was by moving back home and commuting.

Everyone's different. I had all the comments about how moving away from home was the grown-up option, character-building, how going back home was a failure, how i'd settle in, it was just homesickness. Might be true for some people but wasn't for me, stuck in my lightless hellhole of a room, with a roommate who didn't like me.

OP only you know your son and only you know how he's coping. Please though if you think he's really suffering don't just write it off as trouble settling in.

He gave it all of one hour 🤷‍♀️

My parents and I were told not to go home/visit for at least 6 weeks when I started uni as if you do it the very next weekend you aren't going to help him with his home sickness at all

He's an adult now and needs to give it more of a go

Going to visit next weekend is the worst thing you can do - he'll expect it every weekend then? Tough love on this one I'm afraid - he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet now and start being independent

Uni is very hard when you first go. Let alone any additional needs such as autism or mh issues. I think if he is autistic and not great with social skills you could suggest some practical ways for him to get to know his flat mates. Such as buying a case of beer or asking if they want to get a pizza or go for a drink. They will all be in the same boat.

Very difficult to respond
My gut is... wtf?! He gave it no chance. But then again... my children aren’t autistic.

For others to give advice is very dangerous. Posters... do you want to be Responsible for advice that the OP follows that may result in something very concerning or tragic happening?

Op you know your son. We can’t advise. Dangerous to do.