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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Son hates university. Don't know what to do.

227 replies

Janedoughnut · 15/09/2020 10:43

I (and younger son) took my son down (from Yorkshire) to university in London on Saturday. Dropped him off sat morning and left him while we booked into out hotel. Met him later for lunch until about 4pm where he went to his room and we went to our hotel. He text about 5pm saying he hated it so constant texting back and forth me trying to reassure him. He met his room mates later that evening and said they were nice but didn't feel like he had anything in common with him. We met him Sunday morning for breakfast. He was in a bad way, crying etc so we booked another night in hotel and spent the day with him. He went back to his room Sunday afternoon and within half an hour he's texting saying he hates it etc. Met yesterday morning and he seemed a little happier. I said we'd come down next weekend.

He text as soon as we got home yesterday saying he was lonely. Again this morning. He went to see student services thus morning and they told him to fill in a form online for an appointment.

I should add that he's autistic but no special needs. He has trouble with change and social situations.

Sorry for the length of this.

Can someone please give me some advice as I don't know if I should bring him home or be tougher with him but I'm worried about his mental health.

I've tried telling him that it'll be hard to begin with but that it takes time but it's falling on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Murmurur · 15/09/2020 14:27

Hard to know what to do for the best.

Homesickness is awful. I boarded from age 10 and back then you weren't even allowed to phone your parents for the first 3 weeks, only write letters. You were also given no spare seconds to mope. Weekends and evenings were full of compulsory activities. Now I'm not suggesting for a moment that you do anything like this. It's bordering on barbaric. But, that way of helping much younger children cope with their homesickness developed because it was effective with most children, most of the time.

My autistic son is younger but I think I would approach it from almost a psychology point of view. DS, this adjustment and homesickness stage is your brain's normal reaction to this change & stress. It's ok for it to do that, it's doing its job of and it will recede as you get used to your new environment. You can help that happen quicker by putting a good routine in place, learning your way round etc. Approach it like anxiety - get him to notice the physical signs of stress and the thoughts that are running away, then take deep breaths to address the fast heartrate and challenge the assumptions behind those spiralling thoughts. Break the cycle. Then scaffold, scaffold, scaffold to help him structure his days to keep himself busy. Get him to set himself tasks to accomplish each day - anything from talk to a housemate, catch a bus, talk to a lecturer, visit a shop and buy milk, buy a chocolate bar from the SU shop. Schedule phone calls and texts with him. Can he phone grandparents on Saturdays, and a mate from school on Tuesdays? Does he have a plan for when he'll buy food, has he found a cashpoint (might be redundant now!), has he found his lecturer theatres, registered with GP and dentist?

BUT if you can, do it all over the phone. If you spend time talking on the phone and that supports him being able to get out there in his new life (without your presence) then it's a positive thing that is building towards him taking over the reins. It's ok if that life is "smaller" than the one he might have imagined. Once he gets into his learning and meets his coursemates he'll find plenty to occupy himself with, but until then maybe some hands-off support with creating a routine and some reassurance that homesickness is an expected stage but not the "new normal", might help.

Yes, a small campus uni might have been a bit easier but the immediate problem, I think, is getting him to feel comfortable in his new room/flat/hall. Once that starts to feel like a safer place to him, he will have somewhere less stressful to go and he will be able to cope with other challenges. That would be the same problem whichever uni he is at, and it CAN usually be overcome.

LouMoo13 · 15/09/2020 14:29

OP please don't necessarily listen to PP saying to be tough on him. This was me when I started Uni but I'd known for months in advance I was making a bad decision but didn't want to let anyone down. When I got there I knew deep down it wasn't right for me and thank god my mum listened and trusted me. I took a gap year and started a different course at a different Uni a year later. There is a huge difference between initial nerves and feeling it's just wrong. Talk to him and listen to what he has to say, you know him best Thanks

GinWithASplashOfTonic · 15/09/2020 14:32

I was incredibly homesick for the first couple of weeks. But as soon as I got it it he swing of lectures - realise might be a bit different this year and assignments it soon went.

Has he visited contacted the student union for advice

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 15/09/2020 14:33

For others to give advice is very dangerous. Posters... do you want to be Responsible for advice that the OP follows that may result in something very concerning or tragic happening?

The OP asked for advice and she is not stupid. She can figure out what is most likely to work for her son.

London is a tough ask. My DS - ASC diagnosis - survived a 300 mile move for university and led a lovely cossetted life in hall on campus but wont consider a move to London to get a job, though he has friends living there now.

Mostly I think Heartlake is right - give him some structure and leave him for a few days at least to do it. No harm to schedule that you'll come back to visit again in a week or two, and yes if there is a crisis then rescue him, but I think he is still adjusting. Making that huge fuss can be part of adjusting for some people, it doesn't necessarily mean he is failing to cope!

I would do just one thing for him, which is to contact the university disability/student support service and let them know he is struggling. They should be pro-active for students who are flagged up to them, though they might not be able to tell you much for confidentiality reasons. Anyway it can't hurt to do that.

BlushingBrightly · 15/09/2020 14:35

On this from @HipTightOnions

He has had some very helpful social support from student services but his department have absolutely ignored him and let him flounder. I have to be in constant contact with him to get him to lectures, hand in work etc and he is only there by the skin of his teeth.

What were you hoping.the department would do that they didn't? They can't chase individual students to go to lectures or remind them that work is due.

speakout · 15/09/2020 14:35

OP please don't necessarily listen to PP saying to be tough on him. This was me when I started Uni but I'd known for months in advance I was making a bad decision but didn't want to let anyone down. When I got there I knew deep down it wasn't right for me and thank god my mum listened and trusted me. I took a gap year and started a different course at a different Uni a year later. There is a huge difference between initial nerves and feeling it's just wrong. Talk to him and listen to what he has to say, you know him best

Agreed.

ahhanotheryear · 15/09/2020 14:37

He could swap to a different uni and course, I did 6 weeks in because I really hated the course.
Might be worth you looking for some alternatives for him.

user1471565182 · 15/09/2020 14:39

Yeah thats a good idea, if he could swap closer to home- york would be good for trains would he accept that compromise and feel better?

ancientgran · 15/09/2020 14:40

It is so hard leaving them isn't it. It is a bit late now but one thing I did with mine was give them all the ingredients to make a big pot of veggie pasta and get them to make and got them to invite the rest of the people in their flat or corridor or however it was arranged to have a meal together. For most of them (I've got 4) it ended up with a group eating together and then exploring the campus.

I can well remember DD being left in tears and a few hours later sending me a photo of the girls in her flat being raced round campus in shopping trolleys with the boys providing the labour. Very sexist and not what the trolleys are for but they were having a wonderful time and she wasn't crying.

It must be hard this year with SD and all the rest of it. I hope he settles and makes a friend soon, that is what will make a difference.

BlueJava · 15/09/2020 14:40

I find out the latest point he can drop out without incurring the debt of the loan and having to pay the term's rent. Then assess further then. I appreciate it's difficult especially at the start (both of my DS are at uni) but giving it 1 hour is ridiculous. He needs to really give it at least a term until Xmas. If he doesn't do this what does he want to do? And how does he know that he won't hate that as much?

TheBlueStocking · 15/09/2020 14:42

From relevant experience, he's better off being allowed to struggle so that he can learn the coping skills he needs. It's a big change and that's probably the main issue, rather than anything wrong with the course or his accommodation. But that will ease as he gets accustomed to his surroundings.

WooMaWang · 15/09/2020 14:43

@Afibtomyboy

Very difficult to respond My gut is... wtf?! He gave it no chance. But then again... my children aren’t autistic.

For others to give advice is very dangerous. Posters... do you want to be Responsible for advice that the OP follows that may result in something very concerning or tragic happening?

Op you know your son. We can’t advise. Dangerous to do.

Much of the advice being given to the young man’s mother (not to him directly) is around places/people he can go to get support and strategies he might develop to help him cope and settle in.

Signposting to the student support and wellbeing services is the opposite of dangerous. It’s actually helpful to them to know if students are struggling and have issues. Not engaging with these services would be much more ‘dangerous to do’.

And I’m sure his mother is perfectly capable of thinking about which strategies might help her son.

LauraAshleyDuvetCover · 15/09/2020 14:49

Freshers' week is no fun when you're a fresher. It's much better in later years when you know people. There's no structure at all either, so lots of time to sit and feel lonely. It's probably even worse this year, with fewer in person activities.

Honestly, it gets so much better when courses start and you see the same people more.

LauraAshleyDuvetCover · 15/09/2020 14:52

I'm just wondering whether it would help to tell him that? I think people often think freshers' week is going to be brilliant and they'll meet friends for life etc, and don't want to say if they're not finding it easy.

But honestly, most of my friends said they didn't really enjoy it that much. It's just that nobody admits that until later.

honeyytoast · 15/09/2020 14:54

This was me last year. I went to uni last September, suddenly panicked and didn’t want to be there (variety of reasons - didn’t like flatmates, homesick, untreated MH issues etc). Parents tried to convince me to stay but what I ended up doing was filling out a suspension of study form, so that I could just go back home and restart year 1 thus September. Honestly the best thing I could have done, I got a job and started medication and am happier than ever, and really looking forward to starting uni over next week again.

What I would say is that nothing could have really convinced me to stay there. I know that I probably would have been fine eventually if I stuck it out but I wasn’t in a place where I could do that to myself iyswim - and what was really important was how supportive my family was, even though I knew deep down they must have been very disappointed and worried that I wouldn’t go at all.

Everything worked out (got student finance transferred to this year, got the accom contract terminated, uni were fine with it) and I’m very glad I did it.

Just offering this perspective to say that it really isn’t such a bad thing if he does decide to come home. I know it seems silly to decide so early that he wants to come back, but I think when you know you know and I’d trust him if that’s what he says.

2bazookas · 15/09/2020 14:56

I don't think it's helping him, for you to keep dancing attendance and texting every 5 minutes. If he is ever going to settle at University it won't be with Mummy beside him. He needs some space from you, to find his feet.

Tell him its far too soon to give up or even form an opinion on university.. Freshers week full of hyped up/drunk kids behaving like idiots is nothing like what normal term-time will be. When he meets his department and starts attending lectures he's more likely to meet people with whom he has at least one interest in common (their academic subject).

If he gives up now and runs home,  consider what else is on offer

Sobbing under the duvet,  then emerging to daytime TV and  terrible regrets and boredom  when he realises all his friends have  left home.

Unemployment  in competition  with  thousands of  capable adults with marketable skills.

Any job he does get is going to be a lot tougher and more demanding than Freshers week; and he still won't be able to summon Mummy to the rescue
Illdealwithitinaminute · 15/09/2020 15:01

I think the advice about other years doesn't entirely apply this year. Students will not in most cases be able to go onto campus or meet face to face for any significant amount of time, so there isn't a way to get over that nervousness, get distracted and meet new people- his ones in hall may not be similar to him, but others will be, hard to meet if you are online in your room.

If he really can't stand it, and he's accessed support from uni (which they should provide) then he could come home and keep doing the course, because all courses will have to offer online even if some do face to face, as some students will be shielding/unable to come onto campus. Bear in mind it's not all or nothing.

applesandpears33 · 15/09/2020 15:01

Would he enjoy a part time job? It would get him out of his room and force him to meet some new people. The money wouldn't go amiss either.

I agree that it would be good if he could stay at uni for the first few weekends as that might be when friendships are forged. Good luck to him - it is such a big step.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 15/09/2020 15:03

When he meets his department and starts attending lectures he's more likely to meet people with whom he has at least one interest in common (their academic subject) this is exactly what's not happening this year- students are not meeting in lectures, or if they are, they are in small groups, wearing masks and not able to discuss much in case of spread! Mostly their welcomes are online and just talking heads. It may make them feel worse, not better.

I am genuinely worried for the mental health of first year students this year, and that's why if you think there's a real issue, I would act on that rather than just saying 'it's homesickness', other years it might be worth sticking it out to the clubs/societies and contact in lectures, but this year it will be different and for some, the isolation and stress of mainly online learning will be too much.

B3ttyBoop · 15/09/2020 15:03

Going to uni is a big jolt for most people and must be especially hard for those with ASD. It's good you're both calling on as much specialist support as possible. It maybe worth giving the NAS a call to see if there's anything they can offer in terms of contact or advice. I know these services have been limited due to earlier cutbacks but they may know of support for ASD students in his area? Tbh, from what you're saying, i don't think the tough love approach would be helpful: he'll need structured support if he's feeling under pressure.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 15/09/2020 15:04

Part-time jobs? Has anyone noticed Covid-19?!

There aren't as many jobs now either, and it was hard before for students to get enough money to study- with 700,000 made unemployed so far and furlough yet to end, honestly, this is going to be a difficult year for students.

Not impossible, I'm sure someone will come on and tell us their child got a job in a supermarket in corona times, great, but in general, casual jobs are fewer than before, and they were already quite scarce for the student population.

wizzywig · 15/09/2020 15:08

Perhaps our parental experiences are different as some of us went to uni's when there werent access to mobile phones and so contact to parents was difficult. There was a sink or swim attitude. I hated my undergrad years. But felt that i had to just get through.

TatianaBis · 15/09/2020 15:12

Do you think he might feel happier and more at home at a northern uni? London is very different from Yorkshire! It can seem massive and overwhelming to non-ASD people.

HopeBreedsEternalMisery · 15/09/2020 15:24

This was me 3 years ago. I myself have autism and I HATED the start of uni, especially Fresher’s Week. I cried on the phone and FaceTime to my family every night and begged for them to let me come home. My dad told me to stick it out and wait for my classes to start, and still to this day I’m so glad he did. I think I only found university hard at the very start as I wasn’t that used to fending for myself for very long, however that soon changed. I have loved my three years at uni and I am now going to do a Masters! Grin

However.....I started in 2017. This was before coronavirus pandemic hit us hard. Obviously students didn’t have to socially distance at all, but now they do and not all of their classes will be face to face.

Everyone with autism is different and cope with big events like moving to university differently. The only advice I can offer your son is to stick it out for a bit longer. Even if classes are not face to face for the first term, the fact he’ll be learning new things and completing tasks with his fellow coursemates will be enough to at least take his mind off it. In the meantime though, I would advise to your son to talk a Disability Advisor at the university and see if there’s any support he can get in place. They might be able to get him set up on Brain in Hand, which is an amazing phone app that lets you pinpoint your emotions on a traffic light system.

The coronavirus pandemic doesn’t really help either, as we’re all having to adjust to this new normal and a different way of life. Even if your son prefers to keep himself to himself regardless, it is still a huge adjustment!

Best of luck to the both of you. University can be hard especially at the start, but I’m crossing my fingers that everything will work out FlowersGrin

HipTightOnions · 15/09/2020 15:26

@BlushingBrightly

On this from *@HipTightOnions*

He has had some very helpful social support from student services but his department have absolutely ignored him and let him flounder. I have to be in constant contact with him to get him to lectures, hand in work etc and he is only there by the skin of his teeth.

What were you hoping.the department would do that they didn't? They can't chase individual students to go to lectures or remind them that work is due.

I didn’t expect them to hold his hand. I was however surprised that no one noticed that he failed to attend tutorials or hand in work for several months, they have not implemented his Disability Access Plan, are not prepared to make any reasonable adjustments or even to discuss the matter.