Son hates university. Don't know what to do.

[Janedoughnut]

I (and younger son) took my son down (from Yorkshire) to university in London on Saturday. Dropped him off sat morning and left him while we booked into out hotel. Met him later for lunch until about 4pm where he went to his room and we went to our hotel. He text about 5pm saying he hated it so constant texting back and forth me trying to reassure him. He met his room mates later that evening and said they were nice but didn't feel like he had anything in common with him. We met him Sunday morning for breakfast. He was in a bad way, crying etc so we booked another night in hotel and spent the day with him. He went back to his room Sunday afternoon and within half an hour he's texting saying he hates it etc. Met yesterday morning and he seemed a little happier. I said we'd come down next weekend.

He text as soon as we got home yesterday saying he was lonely. Again this morning. He went to see student services thus morning and they told him to fill in a form online for an appointment.

I should add that he's autistic but no special needs. He has trouble with change and social situations.

Sorry for the length of this.

Can someone please give me some advice as I don't know if I should bring him home or be tougher with him but I'm worried about his mental health.

I've tried telling him that it'll be hard to begin with but that it takes time but it's falling on deaf ears.

With my older daughter I said she needed to give it some time to make new friends and get used to things. She went on to love university and do two degrees. She had anxiety and depression so I know the feeling of wanting to make things better for them but they really do need to give it a chance. I would imagine this year is probably the hardest year to start in because of the lack of freshers stuff going on so not so easy to meet people and make friends. Perhaps try and encourage him to go and travel on the tube or see the trains or whatever it is that attracted him to London in the first place.

I moved to London for university and struggled. I also have autism. If your son has an interest in trains he might be interested to know the London Transport Museum has just reopened, it was one of my safe places through the early years living in London and meant I had to get out and travel to get there which was good for me looking back. Getting out and doing things and learning that housemates wouldn't necessarily become friends really helped as did societies and clubs even if I just went once and decided never again.

I hated uni as soon as I arrived. I stuck it out but wish I hadn’t. I wish I had had more support to leave. I don’t have autism though. It sounds like you are being very supportive. Uni isn’t for everyone. Good luck. I hope everything works out well for you both.

Like Shimy, I'm wondering if a campus university might not be better for him. My own dd is studying in London and couldn't be happier but that is because a bustling noisy city suits her particular brand of SN. Could easily imagine it being otherwise.

Be that as it may, he needs support now, while trying to decide what to do. Has he got a Personal Academic Tutor? If he does know, or has the name of the Senior Tutor (should be on their website), I would drop an email straight away. They will want to help and will know more about different options. And it's another person to talk to.

It is not unusual to feel like this in the first weeks - and the covid restrictions mean that usual comforting human contact is limited too. You could reassure him that this is part of the experience and that others feel it too - though I don't know how much this helps!

Can you give him a structure - a list of things to do each day in addition to the university events/classes that he can report back to you on?(Speak to a new person ...take the underground from A-C- take photos of one of the Monopoly stations etc.)

You could also suggest a timetable for 'settling in' - with visits from you etc. and a length of time he should try this before coming home.

Starting a points system for how he feels each morning and each eve might be helpful.

My stepson did sixth form at a military boarding school. He was really, really apprehensive. The deal was he gave it until Christmas, if he hated it then he could leave. Maybe you could make the same deal with yours, he’s only given it three days!

Unfortunately the biggest mistake you made was hanging around. It's then all to easy at the first sign of feeling uncomfortable to run from the situation into the comfort you provide. Staying that extra night has also made the situation worse and made it look like there's something for him to be worried about.
On his own, and knowing he's on his own it's very likely he would have made more if an effort to chat to his friendly peers and understand all are nervous etc and find some common ground. As it is he met you for lunch- and spent the next day with you.
Really tough but I'd not be visiting next weekend. He needs time to find his feet.
Really difficult for you.
A couple of weeks and if you can't see any improvement I'd bring him home.

Seriously he is not happy if he wants to come home let him. My youngest daughter who has no other issues to deal with hated it at uni too. We had 2 weeks of tearful phone calls and even the uni suggested she went home.....and she did.
One year on after working for a year and maturing she returned to the same uni on a different course and is blissfully happy. Why does your son need to tough it out, come home ,get a job and consider his options.
Good luck

He needs more time. I have no additional needs and remember vividly how tough it was those first few weeks. I could barely eat I was so anxious and nervous. I went to uni outside of my home country though so there was no running home or having my parents see me. I came home for Xmas and didn't want to go back, but did.
I ended up loving Uni.
He needs more time, and you need to stay firm.

If your DS is autistic he does have special needs. I hope you ticked the box on UCAS application to state he has special needs. If you did he would be offered more support. Before I retired I was a teacher and taught a lot of A level students and was Year 12 Form Tutor. I taught several autistic students and had some in my tutor group. They were often very rule oriented. One of the things I always told them was everything will seem new and different at first but do not go home for weekend for first month. That might seem harsh but that is when new friendships are formed. If you let your DS come home every weekend he won't make friends as easily. Get him to sign up to as many clubs and societies you can to keep him busy and expose him to a wider group of potential friends.

It may help him in short term if you stay with him but you know you can't do that indefinitely. Could you ask him to introduce you to his room mates and see which of them he might get on with? After this weekend I would leave him to settle in.

I know it is too late now but it might have been a good idea for him to go to uni close to your home so he could live at home in first year and then in second year live at uni if he was ready for that step.

If you had ticked box to say he had special needs you would have been asked how uni could help him to settle. Maybe he could have been assigned a student to engage him in joining clubs and going to canteen with him etc.

Let him come home.
Daughter had an awful time her first year, worked through next two with a job, which probably saved her, as she never had any rest, and she earned much needed wages.
But it’s not for everyone, not the educational part, just the living part.
It can be damn awful, and lonely.
Some people are lucky enough to gel with other like minded people, others aren’t, not through faults of theirs, just there isn’t an opportunity.

Let him come home, maybe look again, some where closer to home for next year. ( don’t let him spend his loans, if he has them, get onto the finance people straight away to see if he can transfer them to next year)

Contact the uni together, and tell them he wants to leave.

I would say that for some this is not an unusual reaction autistic or not. From what I recall - I missed home dreadfully (eldest of 6 first to go went from N Wales to Bournemouth so not an easy get home)

I would sit with him and set out a plan for the first two weeks but don't go back down until the second week. I think most settling in happens at the weekends an" "go for a drink with roomies" and so on

It’s not a failure, it’s life, and after working from home this year, he can look for another uni for next year, and maybe a different course.

Very best of luck to him and you all xx

After the two weeks I would be prepared to transfer to a more local Uni if possible - transfer better than delay for a year - it is very common

@PinkPosyPetals

Let him come home. Daughter had an awful time her first year, worked through next two with a job, which probably saved her, as she never had any rest, and she earned much needed wages. But it’s not for everyone, not the educational part, just the living part. It can be damn awful, and lonely. Some people are lucky enough to gel with other like minded people, others aren’t, not through faults of theirs, just there isn’t an opportunity.

Let him come home, maybe look again, some where closer to home for next year. ( don’t let him spend his loans, if he has them, get onto the finance people straight away to see if he can transfer them to next year)

Contact the uni together, and tell them he wants to leave.

Seriously? After three days? Bloody hell.

Did you talk to him about expectations, a lot, before he went?

I totally loved university from the moment I arrived, but realistically it does take time and few people get on with their housemates. most of the time you can only just tolerate them and hate the fact that they leave the kitchen in a mess?

It takes time to go to your lectures, meet course people, go to parties, join clubs, meet like-minded people.

realistically it's highly unlikely that (for some people housemates become very close friends) but statistically that's actually most unlikely.

did you talk about all this stuff before he went?

You say “he hasn’t heard anything”. I’m afraid they are expected to be pro-active. He cannot expect to be led to things that might be helpful/enjoyable, he needs to seek them out. It often takes a whole term to really find your feet, friends, get used to the studying. It will be even more difficult this year with all the restrictions.

Oh, the poor boy. I know how he feels, as I felt much the same when I first went to uni. He definitely hasn't given it anywhere near enough time yet, and I'd say encourage him to tough it out for now, but if he continues to hate it over the longer term, my advice is don't pressure him to continue. It may be that a different course, different uni or even a different life path may be better for him if he doesn't find his comfort zone once he has given it more time. He may also be struggling to adjust to London ways and sensibilities.

I'm not autistic but I have social anxiety and am an introvert, and starting uni 30+ years ago was a trauma that still makes me shudder when I recall it now. This being the time when students went to uni as far away from their parents as they could get (I was an exception to this, being only half an hour away from home), I was a northerner, at a northern uni, but at first I was surrounded by braying Home-Counties types and felt like a fish out of water from the word go. People used to treat me like I was from another planet. The pressure at uni to fit in and love it/make friends immediately is huge imho, and if you're not cookie-cutter conventional it can be very hard to fit in socially.

Sorry if that sounds gloomy, I'm not suggesting it won't work out for your DS. I really hope it does, and I think he will feel a lot happier once he has made a few friends, which I'm sure he will. I'm just saying I think I can relate to some of what he's going through. Looking back at my own experience I'm not sure I wouldn't have been better off skipping uni altogether, but I realise the job market has got harder and your DS may need a degree for what he plans to do in the future. I hope it gets better for him.

Some of the comments made on here like 'running home' and 'wipe their arses' are unnecessarily sneery and lacking in empathy, imho.

I would give it a few months. The courses haven’t started yet. When he meets others on his course he will feel more settled
If things don’t improve, bring him home
As others have said, he can take a gap year and start university next year.
Gap years are underrated, I think that they can be very beneficial.

Admittedly, haven't rtft, but I remember I HATED uni when I first went. Felt miserable, asked mum to take me home after a day or two. She told me if i didn't like it after a couple of weeks, she'd come up and take me home. She didn't need to come up, and it ended up being some of the best years of my life. He needs to give it more of a chance, but equally if after a week or two of giving it a good try he really doesn't like it then there's no shame in recognising that.

If you like PM me with what college he is at. DS (also autistic) starts at a London uni today. If it's the same one they could at least meet up for a drink some time.

I think you just need to keep reassuring him that settling in is not the same as actual uni. He needs time to meet his course mates, his tutors, settle into the work and with luck have a few ice breakers. Though it is extremely tough on them this year with all the social distancing and Zoom in lieu of actual meet ups. Doesn't help with isolation.

Make sure he connects with his ASD support at the college. I will nag and nag DS to do this even if he doesn't think he needs to. Important to have support in place for when they have tough times.

He’s only been there two days! He can’t possibly hate it yet as he hasn’t had time to even get to know it.
What he means is, he’s homesick, he’s missing family, friends, his hometown, knowing his way around, etc.

He just needs to realise that you’re still there, all ve it at the end of a phone. He’ll be back home for Christmas soon enough and he might well meet his future wife or get a terrific job thanks to this.

Sorry, but he has to pull his big boy pants up.

Ah poor guy. Most of my friend's children really struggled at the start of uni and hated it. It got better for all of them.
DS is taking a gap year, so I have yet to face this 'start' (next September). I think, having been home for 6 months over lockdown then summer hols, the transition to uni will be harder for this year's freshers. Add to this the shadow of covid lurking around and it's understandable why this year's start will be wobbly for so many. Lonely too. We've been in such close contact with our immediate families for so long. Even my pets are a bit weirded out by the kids returning to school.
It's not a typical start to uni.
The start of uni is hard enough when things are 'normal' AND your DS is autistic. So, give yourself some self-love. I really feel for you.

As others have said, I think a gap year is something to really consider. Shake off the cobwebs a bit and ease into uni next year when he'll be that much more mature.

Hasn't the university offered him any help re his autism? If not you should get onto them.

My son went to a university with lavish support for freshers. He was allocated two voluntary 'parents' at university, both in higher years, one of who did his subject and the other who didn't.

He didn't bother them much as he settled in well but I'm sure other 'parents' got some hammer. They'd be the first port of call in your son's position.