Son hates university. Don't know what to do.

[Janedoughnut]

I (and younger son) took my son down (from Yorkshire) to university in London on Saturday. Dropped him off sat morning and left him while we booked into out hotel. Met him later for lunch until about 4pm where he went to his room and we went to our hotel. He text about 5pm saying he hated it so constant texting back and forth me trying to reassure him. He met his room mates later that evening and said they were nice but didn't feel like he had anything in common with him. We met him Sunday morning for breakfast. He was in a bad way, crying etc so we booked another night in hotel and spent the day with him. He went back to his room Sunday afternoon and within half an hour he's texting saying he hates it etc. Met yesterday morning and he seemed a little happier. I said we'd come down next weekend.

He text as soon as we got home yesterday saying he was lonely. Again this morning. He went to see student services thus morning and they told him to fill in a form online for an appointment.

I should add that he's autistic but no special needs. He has trouble with change and social situations.

Sorry for the length of this.

Can someone please give me some advice as I don't know if I should bring him home or be tougher with him but I'm worried about his mental health.

I've tried telling him that it'll be hard to begin with but that it takes time but it's falling on deaf ears.

I’m not sure ‘tough’ is the right word to be using here. Clearly, he needs support, but I suspect the best form of support is to encourage him to contact welfare and pastoral care services (which it sounds like he is doing) rather than to bring him home after only a few days.

The other thing that jumps out at me is that he’s in London. I was at university in London decades ago and we did have a high attrition rate in the first term because some students had chosen the uni/course for various reasons (such as being tired of a quiet life in a very rural location) but found London too big, too noisy, too overwhelming once they got here. Nothing wrong with feeling that way, it can be a huge adjustment and some students will never be comfortable with it and for students today there’s all the Covid restrictions too to deal with.

Oh, bless him. He must be terrified.

Don’t underplay the autism here. It’s at the very root of this. So all the people rolling their eyes and saying he needs to grow up can GTF, frankly.

Speaking as someone who’s spent her life undiagnosed (but I’m certain that I’m autistic) I didn’t move away to university. I couldn’t. The idea of living away from home, the social demands of uni culture (halls of residence, freshers week, drinking and partying generally) was just an absolute no for me.

He does need to give it time BUT he may still find it utterly miserable. Just be prepared to start thinking of a Plan B.

Poor kid. Starting uni is tough, but finding change harder than most will make this initial settling period even harder.
Perversely, the current situation may favour kids like yours because the frantic socialising won't be happening so maybe the atmosphere will generally be a bit calmer.
Definitely encourage him to start his course as that will keep him busy and meet more like minded people.
Maybe try and get him to go and travel about, go on the Tube, see the things he was interested in going to London for and take the focus off his loneliness.
I wouldn't withdraw from contact with him either as he doesn't have that in situ support yet and might just feel worse.
One day at a time.

Afibtomyboy - I have absolute confidence that OP can read through all the comments here and, knowing her son and his circumstances, decide which of them are appropriate and useful and which aren’t.

Bring him home.

I attempted suicide twice in my first year of university.

This thread will attract plenty of hard arses so keen to tell you that he needs to 'give it a chance' and insist that tough love is what it's all about. You may prefer to listen to them. I would listen to your son.

Give him time. If his obsession is trains/the underground, why don't you challenge him to see how many different modes of transport he can use in a day, or suggest he goes on a trip to the London Transport Museum. Get him to realise why he wanted to go to London in the first place, the university is secondary in a way.

Also, rather than telling him he can come home, rephrase it as "we can of course look into you changing courses". So get him to figure out what the possibilities are; by the time he's found out he might well be settled.

What is the money situation? Is there a cut of date for paying full fees or does he get some back if he drops out early?

It took dd and most of her friends until Xmas to settle in to uni, my dd found she didn't have much in common with her flatmates, but did make other friends, mainly on her course.

DD is now going into year 3 and is disappointed she only has a year left. It will be more difficult this year with social distancing, but he hopefully will make friends and start to enjoy the whole experience.

You need to dish out your tough love and help him with his coping strategies.

Acknowledge to him that things seem more difficult than you had all hoped, but whatever the outcome, he is to use this as a learning opportunity - about being independent, about building relationships with others AND about his academic studies

Make a list together of things for HIM do - so that he is known to student services, student union, his course tutor, the university GP, and he is to tell you what HE has done about this.

Say that you will have short text contact throughout the day but only one phone/video call per day unless there is an absolute emergency - that way you can all look forward to your daily call and keep it focused.

Get him to plan activities ahead over the coming days and let you know - tell him to plan for induction activities, library tour, societies day etc. and ask him what he has done about these on your call with him

Plan when he will visit home (say in two/three weeks for one night?)

Say he absolutely will not be allowed to give up before reading week - you have all invested a massive amount of time and money in him getting to this stage. Say that if he leaves, he is NOT to do so without another plan in place for another uni course and/or getting a job of some sort

Only backtrack on any of the above if he appears to be heading for a crisis.

You are helping him learn to be independent. Make sure you have emotional support to stay strong in this too.

That must be difficult. Can you agree with him that he tries it for a couple more weeks and you assess the situation then?
It's really difficult when you first arrive at uni before the course begins. You get lumped in with a load of people who you probably have nothing in common with. There might be lots of people wanting to party all the time and that's not your thing etc.
Once the course begins you are more likely to meet people like yourself because you have chosen the same course and also there's then a focus - lectures to attend, assignments etcetc.

How are they dealing with the COVID situation? Is most of the work going to be online because I could imagine this would be difficult as he won't have contact with course mates once the course actually begins. Would deferring for a year until things are hopefully a bit more normal be an option?

But none of us on here can judge how precarious his mental health situation is. See how it goes with welfare and support services. Agree with him a date to reassess - eg. this weekend if you're going down to visit him. I'd probably be a bit firm with him at least waiting until he's started the course properly. He might love the course once it begins.

I can remember hating the first week at uni when we were just sitting around doing nothing or doing boring admin and people were getting wasted every night. I just wanted to get on with the course.

My dd has acute social anxiety and selective mutism. She has just started at Bournemouth Arts University for an Art foundation course (which is a precursor to a subsequent fine arts degree) and she has been exactly the same as your ds. We dropped her at 6pm on Sunday and by 8pm she was on the phone crying and begging me to bring her home. Parents with neuro typical children just don't get this (hence the crass and ignorant remark upthread re "He gave it an hour"). The apprehension and discomfort our dc experience is about a hundred fold worse than normal nerves (possibly some hyperbole there, but there is just no comparison)

We are only 40 minutes drive from Bournemouth and it was difficult not to cave in when you have your dd hyperventilating over the phone and in a mess. I did keep reiterating to her that she has to be able to do occasional things like this - as difficult as they are - if her life is to progress and she isn't going to limit her own future.

She stayed that night on my insistence but has actually come home now - because whilst she had zoom teaching sessions scheduled for yesterday, she has nothing scheduled for today or Wednesday. She has agreed to return on Wednesday evening (has online teaching and one studio day scheduled for Thursday and Friday) and she will come home on Saturday morning. She feels that it won't be quite so overwhelming having done that one night, although clearly she is not looking forward to it. My hope is that by next week she might stay a full five nights - but we'll take it at her pace. Tbh where is the incentive to stay when there is only one day out of 5 of face to face teaching! Also students are told they can't visit other apartments in the same block. Its a bit shit tbh

When she does her fine art degree from next September, I will be suggesting she confines her choices to commutable distances so that she has the safety valve of home if she needs it. I hate to echo what other posters have said but I do think a uni closer to home might have been a better option for your ds. That said, you are doing all that you can to support him by agreeing to go down next weekend. I think you might need to offer that lifeline for a few more weeks until hopefully he settles.

My D nephew hated Uni. He has mild Autism. He failed the first year, he was constantly lonely, down in the dumps. He applied to a more local uni and has flourished. He just completed his first year at the local uni and came out with top marks. He loves it. He won’t talk about his other Uni he hated it so much. It sent him into a spiral of depression.
Being away to uni is not for everyone, yes ask him to give it a go but be prepared to listen when he’s telling you how he feels and he may possibly have to re-evaluate his uni choices.

Do you think perhaps a campus university could suit him better? London universities aren’t for those who aren’t comfortable being on their own etc the very nature of the city means you have to go out of your comfort zone to meet people and make things happen. A campus university may have given him a much softer ride and made it easier to meet lots of people whilst still being within a safe bubble.

I can't comment on what effect autism might have on this situation as I don't have it, however I can comment on the feelings of homesickness and loneliness at the start of university.

One thing I would suggest is that you stop going to visit for a little while, and try to cut down on the texting. As harsh as it seems, the more you're talking to him and spending time with him, the less he's getting to know people and settling in.

When I started, I wanted more than anything to phone my mum and get her to bring me home. It was only pride that stopped me from doing this. I was very unhappy for the first week or so. I even made a countdown chart so I could tick off the days before I could go home for Christmas.

I ticked off another day each morning, but gradually I found that I was forgetting to do it, and my time was taken up with lectures and social activities.

It took me a little while, but I ended up having what are still firmly the best three years of my life.

I can't say for absolute certain that your son will settle, as some people do drop out, but what I will say is that it will take more than a couple of days, and he needs to give it a chance first. And you need to give him the space to settle!

Sorry, my post was whittling on about my dd perhaps without sufficient regard to your ds - I was just trying to empathise, and I described her reaction as I think it is comparable to your ds and might be helpful in terms of solidarity from someone with similar concerns right now.

Keep on supporting your ds with your phone calls and visits - it might just help him persevere. And don't take anything off the table. He might find it easier to stick with it if he knows that ultimately he come home if it becomes intolerable.

I can imagine it’s bizarre during coronavirus times. I hated university too and I have aspergers.

He will make friends very quickly! But he needs support there. There’ll be someone who can help mentor him if you disclosed the autism

Tell him he isn’t alone. Tell him the way he feels is completely normal.

I’ve just remembered, Autistic Tyla on Instagram is a young woman in her early 20s and she’s doing a free online talk about being autistic at university tonight at 7:30. Sign up here: view.flodesk.com/pages/5f5cda1cb7124f2977579648

He might find it helpful?

instagram.com/autistictyla?igshid=ugh15vnjco5s

From London and went to Uni in Yorkshire. Yes it's a long way but it's not so far he can't visit. I went home for a weekend once a month in my first year. Yes it was expensive but I was very homesick. And I took the Megabus occasionally.
I did end up loving university and life in Yorkshire. It takes a while to settle and is daunting.

I would go up this weekend and take along some blank sheets for you both to fill in detailing his activities and schedule for the week ahead. Make sure it is filled in. Getting out and doing activities will the only way of actually easing his anxiety which will build if he remains holed up in his room for too long. I would also contact Disability Services urgently as hopefully they’ll can send round a friendly empathetic face who can have a chat with him. I talk as a mum of a DD with multiple mental health issues. Posters are talking about suicide. Has he ever been suicidal before? Is he a self harmer? There is a very delicate balancing act to be played here between protecting his basic safety and YOU not becoming the immediate crutch in the event of him experiencing emotional distress, which is not feasible between Yorkshire and London.

My DS1 is autistic and found uni very hard at first. He's in final year now and everything's fine, but if something goes wrong (e.g. getting mugged, a relationship break-up) we go back to the intense calling and texting for a while. I think this is fine. You are their primary support after all, and that's all the more true when a DC isn't NT. Needing this level of back-stiffening is normal under the circs. And given that it's normal, I think you're being premature to think in terms of giving up and coming home. I think you need to tough it out on his behalf and briskly nip in the bud any catastrophic talk of chucking it all in, but be on hand (on the phone - not in person) to mop up tears and moans.

However, all of that assumes that his course is right for him and he does really want to do it. A certainty about that is what will see him through 3 or 4 years of periodic homesickness or wobbliness - or at least that was the case for my DS. If yours was never very sure that he wanted to go to uni, though, or the course was a compromise chosen during clearing, etc, then I would have fewer qualms about pulling the plug and having a rethink. Uni is too expensive nowadays to go through the motions.

It's hard to think straight when a DC is distressed, but if possible I think you need to look at the bigger picture of what your DS wants, since he himself is temporarily unable to.

I would ask him to stick it out for 2 weeks. If he is still miserable then, bring him home and reapply for a uni nearer home for next year.
Good Luck

Hope all the posters saying 'a local uni would be better' remember this when the next thread about how only a 'top uni' is worth going to comes around. All very well going away to a 'top uni' if then it turns out to be an awful experience and your child can't stay on the course. The local choice won't always come out top of the rankings but will have lots still to offer and will be the best option for some young people. Yet they get the snobbish treatment on here regularly.

If you're on Facebook there's a group called What I wish I knew about university and every year there's students feeling the same. (WIWIKAU)

By the end of the first term most have settled.

It's tough to be in the position though for both of you.

You might want to look at setting up a remote psychologist who can do some weekly zoom sessions with him to start as quickly as possible and to last for a while focusing on managing distress and recreating routine in a new environment. I realise this is considerable expense for you...but frankly so is driving too and from Yorkshire, paying for hotels and potentially standing to loose a terms hall fees etc.....not to mention the shake up to his self confidence if he did end up returning home. This is a major life transition for him and the change in environment and routine will be distressing for him.
The Uni will offer CBT probably too so important to access quickly if you can. Ring Disability Services OP! Don’t wait for a response from some online form....you could be waiting ages!

What was the rational for choosing a university far from home?

To me it sounds like he would be better off with a local one where he could still live at home and just go to classes.

Or maybe living alone rather than sharing with people he does not like might be a better option.

It sounds like changing his routine has had a profound impact on him as someone with autism.

Either he will settle in the next few days or you will have to go for plan B...

Be comforting but from a distance. Back off a bit and give him time to deal with these feelings on his own. Everyone feels like this for the first 2 weeks at least. Neither he nor you should expect it to be instant happiness and roses. Transition periods are always tricky, especially with autistic children (I have one). You need to let him learn the skills he needs to grow up. This is very difficult as a parent as we wish our children to be happy. He will be, eventually. Remind him that these feelings will pass as he negotiates all the new ways/things/people around him. Remind him of his goals - a degree and grown up independence. Good luck!