Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

I've come across a family member that have been convinced they've been a victim of abuse before. Insistant to the point of alienating everyone in the family and they see abuse everywhere.

If your boss says something negative its abuse, if my husband and I have an argument its abuse, if I dont go to something or do something because of Dh its emotional abuse etc...

They blame absolutely everything on it including their own behaviour and will drop any therapist that doesn't play into it at all. And they've been through many.

The problem being that they've convinced themselves that's it's the case and nothing can change that. The allegations all started after meeting an abuse survivor as an adult and I wonder if this person has taken their story as their own for some reason.

This person is now completing a counselling course of some kind and I suspect on track to become a John because they find validation in pointing out abuse to others.

They also seem to enjoy getting between couples and pointing out abuse in the relationship. The number of married friends she's become really close to one and then started pointing out the unacceptable behaviours of the partner to try and get rid of them is really high. If the friend doesnt play into it she drops them and never sees them again.

You'll never know if your wife was actually a victim or not, or if John is the source of all of this. But you do need to protect your son, the kind of material in her journals shes leaving accessible etc is not something you want him exposed to.

At some point I would expect her to move on to you being one of 'them'. As she is outwardly ok she is likely to be able to gain at least 50:50 custody and perhaps more if she's motivated to do so.

I would also worry about her projecting on to your son so that he becomes a victim as well.

This is underhand but could you engineer a financial situation where you could no longer afford John?

I would also worry about her projecting on to your son so that he becomes a victim as well

This. I think this is where it will head tbh.

Hello OP, I admire your measured response. But I'm wondering whether your reserves are becoming depleted. A bit of frustration or anger would have been reassuring, in a way. Could it be that trying to work out whether your wife is telling the truth has and is still taking all your energy and focus, when as some PPs have pointed out, now is the time to think of yourself and your son. You've mentioned that your wife's distress is real (at home), and your son is likely to be aware that something is amiss.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I’m so sorry to read of what happened to you. I hope you’ve had the help and support you need. Please ignore if it’s too much - but if not can I ask, even though you tried to repress these memories did you know that you had been abused? Because the situation I face is that for 37 years my wife thought she had a perfectly normal childhood- and now believed she has been the victim of the most horrific, depraved abuse I have ever heard of.

I have come to realise that I can’t ever know if it’s true or not, and that cover ups certainly do occur. But the chances of the recent memories being true are so tiny as to be negligible. Same with some of the other stories. Impossible that what she describes wouldn’t leave any scars at all.

I want to help her however I can and I think this needs serious proper psychological input, if true or if delusional. Because things aren’t getting better after four yrs of therapy. But I can’t convince her. The best comparison I can give is it’s like she’s been sucked in to a cult - but ultimately she went there of her own free will

You can’t help her. She is too far gone. It is now time to stop thinking about if things are true or not. You know she wasn’t having sex with other men when you were together. Or was she?

Either way she leaves or you do and you put in place restrictive access to your Ds. She cannot be trusted in her mental state to have unsupervised access to him.

@CarelessSquid07A I think we know the same person but sadly I expect there is probably more then one of these out there. I had two years of being told I was abused but my partner and family before I escaped the friendship and of course now to all “Jane’s” new friends I am the abuser.

Sadly for people really experiencing it emotional abuse has become the new buzz word and the power of the accusation is being diluted.

Can you not use your network? Apologies of this is naive but can you not ask colleagues who will know a psychologist or psychiatrist who can be made aware of the situation and who can arrange a session with her?

I think MidnightColours makes a very good point, and it's apparent from your posts, that your focus has been very much on your wife these past years. It's clear from other posts/threads that she is extremely controlling of you.

Everything you do from now on I really think needs to be focused on preparation: preparation for extracting yourself and your son, and ensuring there is a verifiable version of the truth of your relationship with your wife, your son, and your wife's mental state that's ready and available when/if the finger is pointed at you, which unfortunately seems inevitable to some degree when you reveal yourself as no longer buying into the SRA storyline.

You've already made some really good first steps in the past days. Keep going, see the solicitor, see the GP, compile your documents, chase and chase the useless professional body, and keep up the pretence at home as you start to figure out a practical way forward for yourself and your boy.

But PPs are right, your mindset needs to shift into prioritising yourself and your son, and accepting that your wife, for the time being at least, has freely chosen a particular path that you cannot change for now, which means leaving her behind at least in the short term.

So having stumbled across her journal (I didn’t go looking for it - was in the desk drawer with the sellotape and stamps) I’ve made copies of several pages. I wish I hadn’t read it, but also sort of glad I have. I feel like I’ve massively violated her trust by reading it but also feel given the strange circumstances that the ends justify the means.
I feel similarly conflicted by her emails. I happen to know her email password (she’s daft enough to never change it and use the same one for everything!). I’ve never looked before but I’m starting to think there may be information in their that might protect our son and myself, and perhaps one day help her
What do people think. I know normally snooping on someone’s private email is a massive red flag and breech of trust. But I feel this isn’t normal and I’m doing it to help everyone. Would I be unreasonable to access her emails?

Has the GP said you need to do this as he doesn't believe you without proof of her delusional beliefs? If not I don't think this is justified and is a huge violation of her privacy.

I haven’t yet had the GP appointment. And I haven’t read the emails yet because not sure if it’s the right thing to do

If I were you and I could do it without getting caught then I would snoop, your priority is your son. I don’t know if it’s legal and whether you could use it as evidence, but I would want to know if there was more going on than you have been told. Knowledge is power and all that.

Looking at a journal that has been left out/not locked away and using her credentials to log into her emails are imo two very different things.

What would you be hoping to gain from checking her emails? If you find something, the only way you can use it, is by admitting to having logged in and checked her private emails.

It could also play very nicely into any potential accusations of abuse (controlling) that could possible be made against you if she continues to keep seeing "John".

I'm really not sure whether it would be a good idea to go down that route, I know you see it alot on mumsnet when someone is suspected of having an affair, but it is actually a criminal offence to log into someone's emails without their permisison to do so. Depending on settings she might get a notification that you've logged in, if you're using a device she doesn't normally use.

If at any point in the future there is some kind of investigation into this therapist, you don't want to muddy the water by having logging into her emails when you shouldn't have, or give anyone any ammunition to point fingers at you.

How long until you see the GP? Perhaps take some time to think it over and firstly see how things go when you talk to the GP?

John is banking on you being passive - and that strategy has worked well for him. It’s definitely time for you to take more active measures - including gathering evidence of any communications between them.

What does the journal say (dont worry you dont need to give us details if you feel uncomfortable) but what I mean is, you said the journal upset you: is that because you can see in it evidence that she could be turning against you? Is it dated?

If the journal content was just more reflection on the "abuse", then I would leave it. If the journal contains hints that things are escalating and she could potentially turn against you, no matter how subtle, then I would read her emails: however do not save anything, and never use what you find in there as evidence for anything, as this will get flipped around as you being controlling and taking over her email.

At this stage this is a safeguarding issue for your son primarily. You wife states she has been severely abused all through her life and abandoned a child at 21. She states she was being sold into sex slavery at 26yrs old by her own parents.

The risk of the abused going on to abuse is significant. So you should assume this is true.

You can't help her in the way you are trying to. You need to get a solicitor, disclose everything, make a plan for you and DS to
Leave.

Perhaps then enough truth will Come to light one way or another. But this is going on for 3yrs and is negatively Impacting the family already.

No one would Blame you for accessing emails to identify if your ds is at risk. You're not taking action because you believe it's delusional and the therapist is enabling that delusion. You need to assume it's not delusional and get moving.

And your police friend saying they wouldn't do anything about the (alleged) therapist. It's more about what you tell them.

If you informed them that your wife claims to have abandoned a newborn baby 16yrs ago - I'm pretty sure they would investigate that.

Treat all this as fact and the networks will open up.

Goodness. What a terrible situation. It's like a psychological thriller. You sound like a lovely, caring husband and father really trying to do the right thing.

It sounds to me like John is brain washing her and perhaps you had an insight into that process when he tried to blame your parents in your own therapy with him.

But the question is - why?

Yet it could all be true and you have to bear that in mind. It just seems so far fetched.

You say that your wife has capacity and isn't vulnerable. Maybe so. But nonetheless, it does seem like she's being manipulated. I think you have stood back and let her handle it admirably for a long time but things are clearly spiralling.

For that reason yes, I would snoop. You need to try and get to the bottom of things. Maybe consider it a way of protecting her. And if she doesn't need protecting you might find that out too.

I'm so sorry. I've read the full thread and I really feel for you. Sadly, I have no words of advice, no words of wisdom even. I'm just deeply sad, for you, and your family, that you're going through this. I can only offer a handhold and a hug and a squeeze.

Apologies, I don't know how to add emoji things, I'm a bit of a technophobe xxoo

What’s in the journal is page after page of descriptions of the most horrific abuse imaginable along with childlike drawings illustrating it. That’s why I wish I hadn’t read it - I can’t unsee it anymore. I was also really concerned that our son could find it.
One thing I got from the journal which I felt may one day be useful was detailed descriptions of what happened - many of which are clearly implausible or directly contradictory. It made me concerned how delusional some of these thoughts appear to be.

I told her I’d seen it when looking for paperwork in the desk and asked her to love it to keep it away from our son. I didn’t say that I’d read it in detail

I’d screen shot everything. And I mean everything. Knowledge is power. Your wife left the journal out for anyone to find. That’s not fair on your son. It’s odd it was left there as normally I’d expect some one with a journal like that to be well hidden and extremely private. This is her norm now and it looks as if she is not bothered if her child finds it. This would actually really concern me.

You have to be careful your not enabling her. The protection of your son should come before anyone and anything. How old is he?

You are right to be concerned
This isn’t therapy
This is not professional

Can you do some research on him ? Is he on the BACP website

OP I'd hold fire on the emails. Once done you can't undo it. What are you expecting to find?
I recently logged into my email from a computer I was pretty sure I'd used before - as PP said, instant alerts on my phone, etc etc. You aren't ready yet for the ensuing fallout if that happens.
Follow up with the formal process you've instigated - GP, solicitor. You can keep this one in the back pocket for now and hopefully not need it.

Whether the life time of SRA, pregnancy and abandoned baby are real or delusions in both instances professionals need to be involved.

There have either been heinous crimes (SRA, infanticide) or your wife is really ill and is also being exploited and not cared for medically in the right way.

Both of these require you to involve authorities and ensure that it is escalated.

Potentially you are holding on to knowledge of very serious crimes. A sideways off line chat with the local bobby is not taking responsibility. Being batted away by her GP requires you to keep going back and back so that there is a paper trail and they have to initiate safeguard protocols.

Your DW MH is paramount - I would push the medical angle so that she is handled sensitively. Investigating “John” can wait.

Is she alone with your DS often? Do you know that she hasn’t spoken to him, shown him the diary? She is a risk to your DS.

The abandoned baby / infanticide is a serious turning point and indicates how deeply unwell she is and how much risk she is to your son.

This might well be beyond the scope and skill set of your GP and a high st solicitor. Although you probably need to do the GP paper trail I would search the expertise and experience of a psychiatrist or psychologist who has false memory as a specific interest - and see them privately for a one off session - this would likely only cost £150. They would know how to unlock this situation sensitively legally and medically.

So your a doctor and have a police friend and still she’s see ‘John’

Why haven’t you intervened with professional help now as this what 2 3 years down the line come on you should of left when the baby that she abandoned came to light and reported it to the police and if she abandoned said baby it won’t find her as it’ll be an unregistered baby.

All this I took vows isn’t washing we can divorce for any reason in the UK these days for any reason.

I’m really surprised you’ve stayed I’d of run with my child and filed for divorce siting her unstableness and request supervised contact only because of her delusions

It’s time to break free what’s really stopping you is the question you have to ask yourself