Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

I would have thought being pregnant again and giving birth again would have brought all those memories back surely? Maybe not but going through child birth is quite a significant thing. So if it's happend to you and you forget doi g it again would surely resurface it?

Sorry OP. What an awful thing to go through. She either needs help with this past trauma or help with telling such big lies. I really don't know which one it is. But I really do hope she gets the right treatment.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself? It may help you process this.

I'm so sorry for all you and your wife are going through. Whatever the truth, whether it be the uncovering of deep trauma or a possible psychotic episode, what is clear is that this is too big for you to hold alone. I think you need to call her GP and express your fear and concerns for your wife. None of this is going to improve without a specialised team of support, one you can trust. It may feel disloyal to do this behind her back but IMO it's the kindest thing you can possibly do for her. She sounds in desperate pain, as do you. There are professionals out there who will know exactly how to support your family. I think it's time you reach out and really get your voice heard, for all your sakes. Sending you lots of good wishes.

The other worrying thing is that the age she's "remembering things" is getting older. Now there is overlap with your own relationship.
If it's all untrue and John is a charlatan, how long before you're implicated in some of these "memories"?
You don't want her to be the one to leave you with your son "to protect him" from you.
I really really hope it wouldn't come to that but you need to start thinking about the worst case scenario to protect your son and put your idea of breaking your marriage vows to one side for the good of your little boy. This has been going on far far too long.

There really has to be some way of investigating what is going on when they meet for therapy. I don't know what though. Sitting here wishing I could help in some way.

The only thing I can think of is to get in touch with a mental health charity and ask them what they would say the best course of action is. Also get in touch with Social services and ask their advice? Speak to the GP again and even the police if that's not too extreme (I realise this might not be the greatest advice so I am sorry if I rock the boat)

What about speaking to her family? The bit about Birthday parties is so strange.
Where is John getting these ideas and how is he implementing them on your wife?

Listen to @Cavagirl please. You really need to start taking action now or before you know it you're going to wake up one day and find to your horror you have been painted as some kind of abuser

This ^^

What if it turns out that you are the one who bought your wife? Or you have been abusing her for years and abusing your dc at the same time? This isn’t going to end well if you don’t do anything as you will end up being tarnished by her allegations.

Go and see a solicitor and go on the attack before you are forced to defend

Thanks everyone. The thought that it could get messy for me is one of the reasons I have stayed. And for her of course. And I thought it would be more stable for our son. Because outwardly if you met her you’d never suspect she was going through anyway so I figure if we were to split 50:50 would be the best I could hope for and I’d just miss him so much and fear it’s better if I’m around as much as possible.

I feel like I’ve been kind of carried along with this. When the suggestions of abuse first started it involved non family members and was quite small. It seemed very plausible. Of course I gave her my full support. As therapy has continued the allegations have grown and grown but so gradually I’ve been believing them for a long time. In some ways this revelation is a game changer because it finally seems something that I can’t doubt - that clearly can’t be correct.

Once the allegations involved her parents I spoke to her sister as I’m good friends with her and her husband. She was horrified and doesn’t recall anything like what my wife did. In fact her memories are totally different. I haven’t spoken to her parents because right at the start my wife asked me not to and at that point it seemed the right thing. Then I thought I have to protect myself from getting involved so I haven’t spoken to them.

It does seem very much like things can’t carry on. But I don’t know how to proceed. Like the stupid practical stuff - where would I go? How do I afford it, what do I say to her and my son. I can’t I just take him with me if she is his mother can I? I can afford the mortgage on this place alone but not on another property. But selling this would uproot my boy so much. And anyway we couldn’t sell it immediately so what happens in the meantime?

I’m probably running ahead of myself but today has changed things and I don’t know what to do or where to go. I’m posting from the spare room with the excuse I wanted to read for a while without disturbing her

I also think it's suspicious she's developed memories when she was reducing/stopping therapy.

I have no advice except keeping you & DS happy & safe

Therapists should be motivated to help their clients feel better about themselves and move on with their lives. The fact that ‘John’ is apparently protracting therapy and is oblivious to your wife’s deteriorating mental health is deeply worrying - also unethical. I’m surprised his professional body hasn’t acknowledged this but often they don’t accept complaints unless made by the client.

Honestly she is sounding so unhinged that it may be best to reach out to a proper channel, MN is great but you and your son are having your lives twisted up by this and to put it bluntly she is the issue, you don't live with her therapist and the therapist isn't the one who could accuse you or damage your son. She could.

I can't imagine my mum suddenly telling us that I had a sibling that she may have abandoned and they may have died but they may turn up(?) and my dad was not allowed to stay up because the sound of him walking upstairs was 'triggering' of abuse.

It's not a stable environment.

She is disturbed. What would she do if you suggested you were concerned enough about her behaviour to seek family support from Social services for your son?
Is she able to parent? Without you there?

At the very least you need to start documenting this legally in case she does accuse you or do something untoward.

I think you may be heading towards sectioning tbh.

Is your wife under the mental health team OP? I don't think so? Your wife would be able to access psychotherapy through your local NHS secondary care MH team for the treatment of dissociation secondary to childhood trauma. Would she be willing to see her GP and then get free services (regulated, with a proper assessment, boundaries and carer support for you)?

Please consider going to the police and reporting this just as a precaution? They may not be able to act on anything now but just as a precaution.

If anything does happen like your wife gone missing during some therapy session (god forbid), at least they have something to act on.

It's a shame it's COVID but would be good if you can arrange a holiday within the UK or abroad for 2 weeks? Just so you can break the chain of her seeing John so frequently.

Without telling your wife what you are doing see a solicitor and find out where you stand. Could you move home with a room for your dc whilst you sell the house?

Social services may give you some help and evaluate the situation and give advice. You need to prioritise your child and this sounds like it’s getting worse and not going away

What was the nature of her original personal crisis that brought her to therapy 3 years ago - was she especially vulnerable - was it sexual in nature? You also mention that there is no intimacy in your RS - did this happen before or after therapy?

Has she a history of vulnerable MH?

Does she know that you have spoken with her sister and have you mentioned that she has no recollection / recognition of the situation. Are you still in contact with the family.

What impact does this have on your child? Is she distressed / anxious in his company - is he absorbing this?

I’ve mentioned this before I think but anyway to recap. We’d had a rocky few years in our marriage - lots of physical health issues and secondary infertility issues and so on. I was bottling it up and not talking and perhaps not supporting her as I should. So she wanted me to see a therapist to help the marriage. I found ‘John’ as he was local. He then wanted to see both of together to help. My DW had seen a counsellor before following the failed fertility treatment but felt she needed more. She asked John if he could recommend anyone - he didn’t know of anyone but suggested she saw him herself. It didn’t seem right to me is both seeing John so I stopped and she carried on. It was a couple of months after this that the possibility of abuse was raised.
Several years of trying for a sibling had obviously affected our intimate life but it all really stopped after the abuse came out. Neither of us could face it after that, it was too triggering for her and I didn’t want to hurt her.
She doesn’t know I’ve spoken to her sister because she asked me not to. I’m indirectly in contact with her family through messages with her sister. I’ve not seen any of them for over three years and I really miss them

@StonedRoses don't get caught up in looking at longer term issues like who will live where and worrying about mortgages, all that can come later.

The priority is to seek some support for yourself and to try and get your wife assessed by professionals to understand if there is any underlying mental health condition that requires treatment as well as getting some support for you.

I would start with your own GP and explain everything, how concerned you are about your wife’s mental health and how it is affecting you.

Do you think your wife would agree to see her GP? How do you think she would react if you said that she should really get her GP involved and seek additional support now that she believes she gave birth at 21. Could you be firm with her and insist that she seeks a second opinion?

You've been posting about this for over 2 years. Your responsibility is to your son. Your wife clearly needs MH treatment.

A few weeks ago someone posted about their DP having been raped and he had developed awful MH problems as a result, but would not seek treatment. Everyone advised her to leave him; by all means support him to get help, but leave him. 2 years ago you were saying your wife wanted your son to be checked to see if he had been abused too; I can't believe she is going through all of this and your son isn't aware there is something wrong.

So the ultimatum would be seek professional psychiatric help and if not you will have to separate - you need to frame everything in terms of the risks to your son - that's your responsibility, much as you say you love your wife etc that's laudable - he is the priority.

Can you take your son and go and stay with your parents for a while? Is your wife capable of functioning on her own? Just to give you and the boy some respite while you think about what to do next. You said she didn’t want to see your parents because they are the same age as her. What is the age gap between you and her?

Could you seek some therapy yourself to get yourself unstuck and confident to take the next steps - whatever they may be?

I agree that your DS is the priority here. How old is he? Have you and your wife come to terms with the secondary infertility or is that still causing you both distress?

This article is an interesting read and towards the end talks about a national register being complied of unethical regression therapists - you might want to see if he is already on their radar.

www.wired.co.uk/article/false-memory-syndrome-false-confessions-memories

This is a charity The British False Memory Society - if you click on about you will find their editorial board who are all high ranking academic psychologists - you might want to reach out here.

bfms.org.uk/

Hi has your wife been physically checked out for any underlying health conditions as some undiagnosed can cause mental health.
You wife could have developed a delusional disorder or I had a patient once who was eventually diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder that did not come out until she was involved in a car accident in her 40s - it brought back the trauma of her being sexually abused by 2 men as a woman in her 20s - the type of vehicle she crashed into was the trigger.
Another person I was aware of had delusional disorder was convinced she had a child - that was out there “somewhere” - she became focused on a child in a local school and had thoughts of abducting the child.
People with delusional disorder prevent very well to the world - it just when you dig under neath there is a whole belief system that they have 100% conviction about.
I’m curious but has she mentioned going to the police to report this abuse?
The therapist could be a charlatan or he could be being professional -
How is your wife when looking after your child? Do you have any concerns at all about your child safety.
Does she work?
She cannot tie you in knots however.
There has to be some give somewhere.
I hope you have some real life support.

The article Ssslou posted is very interesting. In one of the cases discussed it mentions a father hiring a lawyer to sue a charlatan therapist for negligence.

The trouble is one way or another you’re going to have to confront this situation and either with legal counsel or privately call out the BS. You can’t continue to do nothing or this fraud will swallow you whole.

@DailyCandy
Agreed.

I think OP you are probably afraid and paralysed by all the things that need to happen. Maybe it's best to just break this down into smaller steps.

The first thing you need to do (IMO) is to take all the records you have logged of this situation, on mumsnet and elsewhere, and collate them into one file. That will already make you feel like you have something.

Then I would make an appointment with your GP and tell them everything and ask for advice. I would do the same with the solicitor: ask them what they recommend you do now to protect yourself.

Those three things (the file, the GP; the solicitor) are simple to do but will start things in motion and the next way forward will grow clearer.

You aren't going to get your wife back OP. I think she is lost for awhile to come now. You need to look after yourself.

Sorry just remembered something from your earlier post: so you have met John yourself? I know these people (if her memories are false) can be master manipulators but... Did you feel anything was off about him?

You can't take your son??

You can't leave your son is what you can't do!

You are his father. Of course you can take him with you. And you should.