Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

[Aphrodite31]

Christmas is coming up and he needs extra cash so he's upped the sessions ...

[Winterautumn]

This has went on for years .. I can’t believe you haven’t changed anything?!

[alienbaby]

What does you went to see your GP and got the support you need mean?

That they've got you popping anti depressants? You deserve much more than this

[Alcemeg]

OP, I hope you're OK.

It's incredibly hard being with someone who gradually loses the plot. You question your own grasp on reality. Things get more and more frankly bizarre until you just can't buy into their version any more. Based on my own experience of this with a previous partner, I'd echo what @InPraiseOfBacchus has said about these themes of familial abuse/conspiracy being very common among people with schizophrenia/psychosis. But it can be ridiculously difficult to find a way of helping someone who gets sick in this way. You wonder how such people fall through the net of mental health support services... and then you find out that there is no net.

"John's" role in all this is deeply sinister, and certainly made me think along the lines of "Jane" as described in @NoMoreMuchin's chilling post.

I hope you have managed to find some reali-life support to help you navigate your way out of this extremely confusing and distressing situation.

[Calamitydrayne]

@StonedRoses

It’s a very complex backstory. She went to therapy after some unhappy life events and this lead to the uncovering of memories and all sorts of complex issues that I do not understand.
He is a registered therapist and I’ve contacted the appropriate body but they will only take a formal complaint from a client directly. And they say that whilst what he is doing is unusual and not recommended it’s not ‘forbidden’. There’s lots of other concerns like him wanting to hug her to help but again this isn’t against the code

I’ve never before considered she could be seeing someone else. I’m sure she wouldn’t be doing anything dodgy with ‘John’. He’s about 20yrs older and looks like Jeremy Corbyn. I just wonder if I’m going mad thinking about it all??

I'm guessing you only have her word that it's actually John she's dashing off to see? Is it possible she does only see him once a week and he has become a convenient excuse to slip out to see another 'John'?

[MagicalOceanPussy]

OP what has happened - any update? Hope things have gotten better!!

[Saltedhero]

What an awful situation to be in. The rship between your wife and her so called therapist sounds deeply worrying and rather sinister. Hope it all gets resolved op

[captainjacksparrow]

There is an avenue you haven’t tried which may be of benefit to your ds.

How old is he? You could speak to the school or report to children’s social care for support.

Your son could find these journals and if they distressed you imagine what they could do to him.

How can you be sure he won’t turn into a trigger for your wife? Or that you won’t be accused of hurting him?

You speak of her being isolated from her family but have you not done the same to him if he has not had any contact with his maternal grandparents for 3 years?

Children’s social care can support you and your dw. Whether or not her memories are true is not really the issue it’s about the appropriate support being in place to manage her mental health safely. They could support with her having a proper assessment and/or treatment plan. They can also support you to get you to a place of safety with your ds so he is not exposed to this.

You don’t have to live with your wife to support her and a separation does not have to be permanent.

Just a thought anyway

[Whydidimarryhim]

Your wife it appears has some fixed delusional beliefs about her family.
These are not going to be shifted. Medication may help.
Who decided to reduce it to once a week as she was going more frequently. I’m curious if the therapist has finally seen the extent of her illness and realised he can’t help her. But given her appear level of dependence on him he may be struggling to end the therapy.
Your wife obviously feels she benefits from it - maybe so she can vent and talk about her paranoia and delusions.
I’m sure you know it’s best to keep the discussion of her beliefs low key.
Does your wife work? She sounds like she functions well and yes people who are like this can appear well. It’s only when you tap beneath the surface they come out.
You say she has never got on well with her parents - why is that.
Stress can also bring out these ideas.

[mermaidsariel]

@Iwonder08

What a horrible situation. Based on everything you said I would be inclined to think this 'John' so called therapist is using hypnosis on your wife that has a way to implant inaccurate memories. Your wife has severe mental health issues. You say nobody would ever guuess and she is a good mum. I would be extremely careful of having such a severely disturbed person around my child. She is most definitely not a good wife as there is no intimacy (and I don't mean just sex) in your relationship. Her intimacy (again not about sex) with thi so called therapist.
You have tried to suggest an alternative therapists, you have tried being supportive and believe in her story. As a result she is getting deeper and deeper into this horrid abuse fantasy.
Parking aside the impact it has on your own mental health I would be personally very worried about future. Her therapist 'S conduct is not appropriate or normal. I believe he has an agenda/something sinister is going on. You say she somehow decreased the frequency of her sessions. What if he decides to increase the frequency again as it might give him sense of more control? What prevents him from adding more 'abusive memories', why can't they be related to you? How would it impact your son?
I think you need a highly skilled divorced lawyer to give you realistic options. I would personally file for divorce and fight for a full custody for your child.

I agree with this.

[Iwonder08]

What a horrible situation. Based on everything you said I would be inclined to think this 'John' so called therapist is using hypnosis on your wife that has a way to implant inaccurate memories. Your wife has severe mental health issues. You say nobody would ever guuess and she is a good mum. I would be extremely careful of having such a severely disturbed person around my child. She is most definitely not a good wife as there is no intimacy (and I don't mean just sex) in your relationship. Her intimacy (again not about sex) with thi so called therapist.
You have tried to suggest an alternative therapists, you have tried being supportive and believe in her story. As a result she is getting deeper and deeper into this horrid abuse fantasy.
Parking aside the impact it has on your own mental health I would be personally very worried about future. Her therapist 'S conduct is not appropriate or normal. I believe he has an agenda/something sinister is going on. You say she somehow decreased the frequency of her sessions. What if he decides to increase the frequency again as it might give him sense of more control? What prevents him from adding more 'abusive memories', why can't they be related to you? How would it impact your son?
I think you need a highly skilled divorced lawyer to give you realistic options. I would personally file for divorce and fight for a full custody for your child.

[StonedRoses]

I speak to my wife’s sister still. So she knows what’s going on. And I’ve written to her parents. Partly to say that I miss them and to let them know I’m thinking of them. I have to keep communication with them secret which doesn’t make it easy
My wife doesn’t really get on with my parents but I do try and see them when I can and so my son does have reasonable contact with them.

[Cavagirl]

I'm really glad you've been getting some support.

Her family have no idea why she has gone no contact with them. She hasn’t told them anything or any of the allegations. Just that she wants nothing to do with them.

This for me is one of the most desperately sad things. If you now accept that your wife, probably through no fault of her own, is completely deluded with what she believes happened, have you considered contacting your in laws to at least give them some idea of what's going on? I can't imagine what they must be going through, assuming - as I think we all do now - that they are totally innocent.

Does your son at least have a relationship with your parents? I seem to remember at one point from either this or another thread that your wife was limiting their interaction as well (apologies if that's wrong)

[Tryinghardfornothing89]

Maybe this might be a bit of an extreme idea, but given how long this has gone on for and how clearly john is taking advantage of your wife, have you considered hiring a private investigator to look into john? Perhaps they might find others with similarly crazy experiences. There might be other husbands and wives, mothers fathers out there equally perplexed by this man's involvement in the destruction of their lives.
Also, I've just sat and read all of replies, I think that you can quite comfortably believe that NONE of this is true. I'd suggest your wife has a form of psychosis (detachment from reality) and that this john is taking advantage of it.

I can believe that people might repress a traumatic experience as a child, but I cannot believe that the entirety of this systematic abuse would go completely in remembered, and the fact she thinks she had a baby is ludicrous. You should fix in your mind that that is not true, your wife is very mentally ill, and that john is a Crook.

[caringdenise009]

Could you base a complaint about him based on the fact that he was prepared to see you both even if separately? I asked a fee therapits for family therapy, and if I could have a few appointments alone at first and they all refused. They said they could either see me then recommend someone else for the family therapy of vice versa. Would your wife see a marriage therapist at the same time as this man so that this could be discussed in a separate space?

[StonedRoses]

Believe it or not I’m doing ok! Although my GP couldn’t help me with my wife she was been amazing in supporting me. And so I’ve had the help I need. And coming to terms with the fact that I can’t solve this problem or find the answers myself and I was tying myself up in knots trying to. I really have reached the end of the road in investigating John - including detail of when I saw him I my complaint.


I think (I hope desperately) my son is ok as well. He seems a well balanced happy child. I’m putting as much of my energies into trying to keep things normal for him and we have a great relationship. The thought has crossed my mind that allegations my spread to include others but i don’t think so. Because firstly forewarned is forearmed. I know all the details and the allegations. Her family have no idea why she has gone no contact with them. She hasn’t told them anything or any of the allegations. Just that she wants nothing to do with them.

At the moment there is nothing ‘to do’ and actually I’m ok with that. Challenging my wife about her memories, however gently, would make thins worse for her health and for us it would be the death of any relationship we have. No matter how much this situation upsets me she is still my wife, I still care for her and don’t want her mental health worse.

[StrangerYears]

Can you not complain about John from when you were a patient (3 years ago)?
That he told you you had been abused when nothing of the sort had happened?

Might be worth a shot

[rattlemehearties]

Regarding your recent updates OP - what about the impact on your son?

[Onthedunes]

I'm very sorry op that you still have no clarity with this situation.

I must admit of after many years of this I think I would hire a PI and finally get to the bottom of this. Until you have the truth one way or the other nothing will change.
Even if she stops seeing John, you would have memories that something could have happened.
It must be so difficult for you, are you being lied to or not?

[Singingwiththepain]

OP I say this from a place of support, but my immediate concern reading this as an outsider is given her fixation on abuse, are you not concerned that as she further deteriorates she could make similar accusations against you about your son? Its worrying that she's so fixated and developing these "memories" that she believes with such certainty.

I think you need to plan for the worst on that front and take some proactive and preventative measures to protect your son

[mermaidsariel]

This therapist is acting in a completely unethical manner . If she’s telling you the truth it’s really concerning. Far more likely she’s having an affair but whichever it is, it’s not great for you. I think you need to sit her down and ask for the truth.

[Binglebong]

I get the impression that because John has a hammer he only sees nails. He specialises in child abuse to the extent that he sees it everywhere and inadvertently leads clients down that path. That's assuming his intentions are benign.

I'm so sorry that this is happening OP.

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m reading this utterly perplexed - OP - how harrowing for you.

I have no idea what could improve things. Your measured tone throughout is to be admired.

I think I’d be tempted to investigate John further - track down some prior clients maybe. It would seem he has an agenda but not sure what that would be.

[Cavagirl]

What about you? How are you doing?

[StonedRoses]

So even if it is a case of an irresponsible practitioner she of course is free to see him as she wishes.