Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

This is horrendous. It sounds like your wife is being horribly abused now. O think taking a log of it all to the GP is a good idea.

“You can't take your son??

You can't leave your son is what you can't do!

You are his father. Of course you can take him with you. And you should.”

This. You shouldn’t leave your son in this situation. Whatever you do, pls bear in mind that your duty to your son comes ahead of your marriage vows.

How does your son feel about not seeing his grandparents and great grandmother? Is he seeing yours or are they also excluded? Grandparents can play a fabulous role. Remember this time with them is being stolen from him and it seems pretty clear that these are false memories - you yourself can testify to that in relation to the most recent ones. If any of these grandparents die during this alienation, your son may find it quite hard to forgive. Do you want him to have to carry the burden of this any longer?

This sounds really hard, you want to support but you need to look out fir you and your son. Has she seen a doctor at all about any of this or just her therapist ?

Everything you’ve said about this ‘therapist’ is alarming, frankly. It is sometimes the case that couples therapists see the couple individually for some sessions, together for others (Relate uses this approach) but it’s completely wrong for a therapist to both see a couple jointly and as individuals at the same time. Therapists should also be supervised in their work, and I’d be surprised if a supervisor condoned any of this - if they are getting the truth, that is. The bottom line is that serious allegations of historic abuse warrant a conversation with a client about reporting, especially if the alleged perpetrator(s) are still alive and have contact with children.

[quote CrotchBurn]@DailyCandy
Agreed.

I think OP you are probably afraid and paralysed by all the things that need to happen. Maybe it's best to just break this down into smaller steps.

The first thing you need to do (IMO) is to take all the records you have logged of this situation, on mumsnet and elsewhere, and collate them into one file. That will already make you feel like you have something.

Then I would make an appointment with your GP and tell them everything and ask for advice. I would do the same with the solicitor: ask them what they recommend you do now to protect yourself.

Those three things (the file, the GP; the solicitor) are simple to do but will start things in motion and the next way forward will grow clearer.

You aren't going to get your wife back OP. I think she is lost for awhile to come now. You need to look after yourself.[/quote]
I think this post is spot on.
Yes if you permanently separate there's a lot to be sorted out. But that's a way off and at this point you need to start with baby steps and stop worrying about custody arrangements and being Disney dad etc and letting that prevent you taking some initial steps - which should really be around trying to get other professionals involved in your wife's care and getting some legal advice, at this stage.
Who pays the mortgage and who lives where can really really wait.
I also echo PP that reaching out to some organisations who support families who have experienced similar eg the organisation sssloou posted would be helpful.
MN is full of wise people and will be a great place to vent/test ideas/plan your separation etc etc but the issues you're facing are pretty specific and speaking to others who have experienced similar will help.

Bite the bullet and contact your ils. Ask her dsis to be there.. Police seems a plan to seriously consider also. Maybe they will know about John already...

As above, have a good long talk with a solicitor - I think as soon as you start to make moves to leave, if the abuse memories have started to land in the period of your relationship, you'll be next in the accused and she'll go NC with you.

And you can take your son with you if that's in his best interests, and it sounds like that might be the case but that's for you to weigh up.

I'd also agree with talking to the GP and quite possibly also the police, I do suspect this has been protracted to drain her bank account while she's vulnerable.

StonedRoses
Your wife had severe MH problems and you think that if you leave taking your dc with you that you think it would be safe to then co parent and let your Ds stay, from what you describe, with a delusional and unhinged person for 1/2 the week?
I don’t think you see just how badly she and her therapist are treating you.

I wouldn’t let her look after your dc for 1/2 hour unsupervised let alone 1/2 of the week

Left alone with your Ds who is to say she and this therapist start to plant false memories in his mind

I was going to come on on say write a letter to her GP with your suspicions and send a copy to the local police and get a solicitor too. Now you have proof of bullshit from the therapist you have to act now in the legal sense. The 'therapist' has clearly been milking her for money for sessions and has total control over her thoughts and memories. She needs proper psychiatric intervention now, not just a random private therapist.

She will hate you for it in the moment but ultimately realise why you did what you did. To not act now would mean you are as much in the power of this 'John' as she is. Pull the plug on his game.

“She will hate you for it in the moment but ultimately realise why you did what you did. To not act now would mean you are as much in the power of this 'John' as she is. Pull the plug on his game.”

You've had great advice above, OP, so I just really wanted to follow up on what Reet has said.

Reet has nailed the point that you can no longer please your wife. The actions you need to take now to protect your son and yourself will infuriate your wife and she may well decide you are an enemy. However, if she ever escapes from the influence of this horrible man and comes to a better place, she will thank you for those actions because they will be what rescue her from his criminal grip. Also, if she does ever recover and any of her older relatives have died before the damage has been repaired, that will be extremely painful and hard for her to bear, I think. You've reached the point where doing the best for your wife no longer means doing what pleases her. It almost certainly means doing what will very strongly displease her.

We all feel very sorry for your wife. She clearly has severe MH issues which almost certainly require medically qualified intervention and has become unreachable to logic and reason. The fertility hormones she was taking have probably contributed to her mental state (about 25 years ago, we had a family friend whose marriage fell apart because the fertility hormones affected the wife incredibly badly; she became unrecognisable as a person and after a prolonged period of great difficulty the marriage disintegrated. It was very sad because they had been a very happy couple before this).

Whatever the reasons for your wife's MH, John has managed to lock her into a situation where she rejects all evidence which disproves what she might be alleging and also where he has persuaded her not to discuss this with anyone else because she will be disbelieved. In short, he's made it so she cannot escape from the appalling storyline which he has created in her mind. What he has done is horrifying. And goodness knows how much family money she has burned through while this man invades her mind and destroys her and her family's life.

You've been posting about this for over 2 years. Your responsibility is to your son. Your wife clearly needs MH treatment

Two years your child has been exposed to this OP, you have to act to protect him, because some day soon he will mention something to a teacher or friends at school and options will be taken out of your hands. Are you prepared to explain to social services why you failed to act to protect your child? Because they will be asking you that and flapping and dithering about will not impress them. At this point the power is in your hands for what to do next, act before someone else outside of the family has to decide what is best for your son. Everyday that you fail to act is another day your child is exposed to this. Contact your family gp, solicitor, mental health services today, it may feel like a betrayal to your wife right now, but things will only get worse if you don't act and you will be at the very real risk of harming your child. This is amping up and the next person accused at the suggestion of this counselor will be you.

OP I feel so bad for you. This sounds horrible, confusing and nobody likes that feeling of inertia that you are experiencing. It sounds like you just don’t know what to do next.

I think (yes, stranger in the internet!) you do have options, but you are ruling them all out for fear of upsetting the status quo with your wife. Firstly, you need to acknowledge some explosion /rocking of the situation is inevitable, even if you do nothing, it’s coming down the line in your future regardless. The situation will not go on like this forever.

You have options.

You can contact her family.
You should keep contact with your own family, you really need support.
You should go to a therapist yourself, because you need support to deal with your marriage and the obscure path it is now on. I think it’ll help you see your next steps.

I’d you can’t talk to your wife then please take some action before all this moves out of your control.

I have a crept feeling that if she is highly delusional, she could also become delusional and accusing of you too.

Forget trying to deal with her via a second opinion; it’s not going to happen. She is firmly entrenched in this with John. Even in normal circumstances nobody likes ‘trying’ a new therapist as it takes such a long time to get established.

Please do something OP. All the best.

He is a Svengali OP. You have to act now.

On the 'uncovering memories'. This can be very problematic. I have been through the process and your brain can be inspired to invent all sorts of stuff along with the truth. Some of mine:

My parents never invited me to their wedding
My parents never came to my wedding
My wife didn't come to either of their funerals

It's all made up! My brain and memories believe it's the truth, but the photos etc tell a different story.

My brain also wants to wipe out about 10 years of my adult life, so now it tells me I was in jail for a serious crime covering that period. It's a battle to win.

yes there was shit in my history, just none of that.

This is escalating. It’s not stayed the same or got better.

I am v concerned that she says she wants your DS to be investigated as she believes him to be a possible victim of CSA - you need to get ahead of this one. Your son doesn’t need this and likely she will point the finger at you. That’s when you will lose him.

As PP said - log everything first and then keep going back to Dr, legal and police. They will be forced to take action and will know what to do and how to handle it sensitively.

I have made a start today on changing things. I’ve written a detailed letter to the professional body, naming John and setting out my concerns in bullet points. If they chose not to follow up on this I’ve done all I can there
I’ve also made an appointment to speak to my GP - same practice as DW and DS. And I’ve made an appointment for a family law solicitor - though that won’t be till the new year because I have to go when she’s at work. I found her journals (wasn’t hard they were in the desk drawer) and I’ve made copies of many of the pages. It is very hard reading.
I am finding it hard because I’m doing good as a kind of double life, whilst playing the happy family dad on the outside. I know this isn’t good for my son but everything I’ve done so far (such as staying at home to provide stability) has been done to put him first. It’s getting clearer that it’s not enough.
It’s also hard because this isn’t the woman I married. And we also have brief moments of happiness together when I think I must be mad to leave all this. I know understand why even in domestic violence it isn’t easy to just LTB
Thank you to everyone for their kind works and advice and occasional kick up the arse. You might be strangers unknown to me but you’ve helped more than you’ll ever know

StonesRoses My DMum had a history of schizophrenia and MH issues. I lost count of the suicide attempts she made and I was her carer from when I was a tiny child. Dad and then when I was older, I had to get her into the MH hospital and this involved sections and all sorts. In the moment she hated us as ...well she was mentally ill. Having her dragged off to an institution (that is now closed) was a tortuous gut churning hell let me tell you. She always said afterwards that she understood and thanked us though.

It is a shitty road to tread. You have to have a spine and balls of steel for it but the fact you have proof that the memories are now false is, well....proof. He is breaking every single rule but will likely get away with this. I think you have to prepare yourself for this. These things are almost never looked into properly in my view.

You have made a start and are doing well. Take advice and all the help and support you can get.

👏👏👏👏
Incredible. Well done. This is great news.

Are you working from home? I'm just wondering if you could possibly after Christmas give yourself a break and also get some time with your family by going to stay with them for say a fortnight? It might give you the physical distance you need to also get a little emotional distance too. Plus right now I think it could do you good to have the physical presence of "your people". To see them again, tontell them everything. Basically to feel physically supported, and like you're not all alone shouldering this massive burden

Well done StonedRoses
I wouldn't necessarily write off chasing up the professional body of they don't respond. An obvious paper trail of your attempts to report him and prevent this happening to someone else may well be helpful for your version of events in the future, sorry to say it. It's also bloody outrageous if they sit on their hands given all the completely inappropriate examples you're able to provide.
Really wish you the best of luck.

I think that’s good progress. I would try to act as normally as possible and keep these documents very securely as if she finds out what you are doing it might cause any false allegations against you to come out before you are ready.

I agree you need help and support in RL as well as here, could you and the dc go for a socially distanced walk? I wouldn’t tell her family anything just yet but I would try and have contact with them and dc when the dust has settled.

That is really great news @StonedRoses

I once or twice had to step in and intervene on my mum's behalf when she lacked the capacity to do it herself, it was incredibly hard to do, but it was absolutely the right thing for her well-being and she thanked me for it later.

I hope given time and the appropriate treatment and help your wife will be more like the person you married and that if possible you can still find a happy future together. You don't have to make any long term and far reaching decisions for now, just concentrate on doing what you can in the short term. As many have said, it's likely to be a rocky road for a while, but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Reconnecting with your family as @CrotchBurn suggested is great advice, hopefully that is something you can do this Christmas? After dealing with this alone for such a long time, I'm sure it will do you the world of good to find as much support as you can to help you through this.

Sadly I fear staying with my family (or even meeting them won’t be easy). Quite aside from the covid restrictions they live an hour away. And far from working at home I’m a hospital dr dealing with covid. We really have chosen the worst time in human history to have a marital crisis!!

Any documents I’m keeping in my locked filing cabinet at work. Only I have the key. It’s all very clandestine

I agree with @Cavagirl about not giving up if you hear nothing back from the professional body. They really should treat your complaint very seriously.

BCAP have an "ask Kathleen" service if you have concerns about a therapist that might be useful, I'm not sure if you can do links here, but if you google BCAP ask Kathleen there is a helpline to call for advice.