Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

[maisythehorse]

I think the sessions are a bit excessive and it's sounds like either she's seeing someone or he has an unhealthy control over her to make her feel so dependant on him. You could suggest she try's another therapist for another point of view.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP, while John isnt breaking any rules, I can see that this relationship is very worrying for you. Has your wife made any progress in therapy?

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

I think now she pays with a set weekly fee that covers any extras or emergency sessions That's not how therapy works! Sorry, she is using her therapist as cover for something else!

Sit her down and ask her to talk to you. She doesn't get to treat you badly just because she has been through some crap in her life.

[JenniferSantoro]

I would follow her in someone else’s car, or get someone else to do it. She’s clearly having an affair.

[HomesUnderTheSpanner]

FWIW, I used to have 3 sessions a week. It's not uncommon within the branch of psychoanalysis. I have a friend who also had 3 a week.

That said, it was only for around 6 months before we gradually dropped down to one session for the next few years.

I definitely wasn't batshit crazy either

I also think she's seeing someone on the side and using John as a cover.

[Emeeno1]

She may be experiencing transference which can occur in therapy situations and therapists should monitor.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/transference

[torn2020]

That sounds really very weird. I'm having intensive therapy - this means 1 session a week of 90mins-2 hours and a shorter session 3 days later.

There's then no contact outside of sessions - if I need to get in touch to reschedule I email his secretary.

This feels like a lot (and is very expensive). I can't imagine what you describe your wife doing. As pp says the boundaries are a big part of what makes this feel safe.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

I would also be very suspicious of that. I’ve known plenty of women who have had affairs with older men in a position of trust/authority. As a PP mentioned the patient/client is very vulnerable and the therapist can become a powerful influence over them.

[Frownette]

I'm starting to feel a bit lucky with my therapist. I got told I don't have to pay for time being. But it's once a week and government made a huge injection of cash during lockdown and I was referred by hospital so perhaps that makes a difference.

Both of us would freak out if we were asked to meet in a car park, and say no. I never bother her outside of appointment times, she has her own life.

You really need to talk to your wife.

[Flamingnora123]

How come John is available at all times to fit your wife in so last minute several times a week? Does he not have a busy practice to run? If this is how he runs his sessions then there must be lots of other people with both scheduled and unscheduled sessions, and if it's special treatment for your wife he's being (literally) unbelievably unprofessional. What you're wife is telling you just can't be true for one reason or another, sorry.

[SpaceOP]

@Flamingnora123

How come John is available at all times to fit your wife in so last minute several times a week? Does he not have a busy practice to run? If this is how he runs his sessions then there must be lots of other people with both scheduled and unscheduled sessions, and if it's special treatment for your wife he's being (literally) unbelievably unprofessional. What you're wife is telling you just can't be true for one reason or another, sorry.

I am close to a therapist. One of the hardest thing she's had to learn in her practice is not to get sucked in to extra. Her patients call, email and text at all hours of the day or night. Often with very alarming messages that she feels morally and ethically bound to respond to. Unfortunately, it can get out of hand and she had to really relook at how she was running her practice and her personal boundaries after a patient's behaviour got completely out of hand and very personal (I only know the bare bones, obviously). It has definitely improved since then. But it took a situation that started to get a little scary before she implemented these boundaries across the board. So I don't think it's hard to believe that John is a real therapist doing way more than he should.

[myworkingtitle]

I think Jeremy Corbyn is quite good looking though.

[Dery]

@StonedRoses - there are definitely things that don't add up here. I have periodically had therapy over the years with a few different therapists and boundaries are SO important. From what you are describing, the boundaries appear to have been completely shot to pieces.

If - 3 years in - she genuinely is still having 2-3 sessions a week and last minute emergency sessions, I'm inclined to think that these sessions are not serving any purpose other than to keep her stuck. She simply shouldn't need this kind of support 3 years in. As PP have said also - how is it that John can be available in this way at the drop of a hat if he is running a legitimate practice. It sounds like John's taught your wife to be desperately dependent on him. Can she really not talk to you about any of this stuff?

And if she is not with John, then she is clearly using him as cover for seeing someone you wouldn't want her to be seeing. Or she is with John and her relationship with him is no longer what it should be.

[Dery]

If my husband were behaving the way your wife is behaving, I would need to talk to him about it and try to reach an understanding about what is actually going on and how he can't simply withdraw to such a degree from family life.

[Aquamarine1029]

I think your wife is up to something, and not with "John." You need to get to the bottom of this.

[catnoir1]

Are you sure he's her therapist? Are you sure it's even him she's meeting?

[Bunnymumy]

I think it is possible she hs meeting him. But he us too involved. It's unprofessional and not ok.

And if you still need to meet a therapist 3 times per week after 3 years...I think he us taking advantage quite frankly. Suggest you your wife that she find another emotional crutch such as yoga or taking up jogging, mindfulness or something.

Because if all else, spending this money on a therapist is not acceptable. You two are presumably working towards a life together? I couldn't take anyone seriously enough to pursue that with them, knowing that they spent money like water. At very least, she needs to change therapist. Then you'll know that if she keeps seeing that one 3 times a week...it isnt the therapist she is seeing.

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

@myworkingtitle have you considered therapy for that?

[Sacredspace]

It doesn’t add up. There may or may not be a therapist. He may or may not be her therapist. Perhaps he’s a cover story? Perhaps he’s giving her a different kind of ‘therapy’? His ‘fees’ are approximately equal to a budget hotel room..

[Aquamarine1029]

I would be finding a way to follow her or even hire a PI if necessary. Her story absolutely stinks. Therapy sessions all over the place, at odd hours, weekly flat rate, frequent calls/texts? Come on.

[SoulofanAggron]

I’d report the therapist to his governing body for being incredibly unprofessional. No therapist would meet in the car/park etc etc

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 Some forms of therapy are several times a week I think- such as formal psychoanalysis maybe, that can be quite intensive. Some also meet in parks sometimes because they think nature is therapeutic. He's not doing anything against the code of conduct there unfortunately (personally I think the professional codes of conduct for therapy are too lax.)

On the fees: that is bollocks.

@TorkTorkBam Some of them do have clients pay another fee if they want to be able to talk to the therapist sometimes outside of session. But the amount of time he's spending over it is beyond unusual. It's not financially reasonable for him to talk to her this much, so he's not doing it for the usual benefits of a job, but for the ego strokes. @StonedRoses Unless maybe she's spending more on him than she's telling you?

It sounds a bit like she's in a cult. I know a bit about 'recovered memory therapy'- it isn't evidence based and it let to things like the Satanic Ritual Abuse scandal, where people were accusing family members and others of murdering babies as a sacrifice to Satan (they weren't.)

Therapists who're into 'recovered memory therapy' and at worse the Satanic Ritual Abuse moral panic, can be very personally invested in it and act a bit like the bloke you describe.

I don't think there's much you can do, unfortunately.

[YouokHun]

I agree with others, I think the therapist may be being used as cover for something else but it will require gentle Socratic enquiry uncover that I guess. It doesn’t sound as if it’s helping her (from what you say @StonedRoses. It’s a difficult one because if there is an issue with the ethics and conduct of the therapist it isn’t easy for you to intervene due to client confidentiality.

Just commenting on therapy generally: Though it’s common for people to see a psychoanalyst long term and more than once a week, generally speaking we therapists and counsellors of other disciplines don’t see people long term (over years) and we need to be mindful of boundaries and what is best for the client. It depends on the type of therapy she’s having but if she has that level of interaction with him, has a hotline to him and has been seeing him for so long then she may be dependent upon him which is not a helpful dynamic or healthy for your DW. I wonder what the goal of the therapy was?

Obviously none of us can be sure of the ethics or quality of your DW’s previous or present therapy but I think there are some important things to be aware of generally. The term ‘therapist’ is not a protected title so it is relatively easy to set up as a therapist with no real training and no ongoing supervision and training, and I guess, in the situation I’ve just described, no (or possibly inadequate) insurance.

There are some professional bodies which are fairly meaningless in terms of indicating training levels, supervision, ongoing training etc - who can forget the journalist who successfully registered his cat as a Clinical hypnotherapist?! It’s possible to pay your money and be a member of some ‘professional bodies’ and then put those letters after your name. It tells you nothing about the training and ability of the therapist and there is then an issue of safety because a poorly trained therapist may not be aware of their own limitations. This is very important when dealing with vulnerable people.

There are also different membership levels of many of the more recognised professional bodies, for example the main professional body for counsellors, the BACP - you can be a registered member which means you have the minimum level of training to work as a counsellor or you can be accredited; which demonstrates a much more rigorous assessment of your work over time. My professional body, the BABCP (professional body for CBT Therapists) requires me to have a minimum post grad training, hundreds of hours of supervision to gain provisional accreditation, then work for a year under supervision (in the NHS in my case), fully accredit and reaccredit every year based on my supervision and ongoing training. It doesn’t mean I’m a brilliant therapist but it does mean I’m being watched and also have a system in place for me to monitor my practice and seek advice. However, there are CBT therapists out there who only have brief training and there’s nothing to stop them putting a plaque on their door next to my private practice and only with some research would a potential client know the difference between us. Counsellors and other therapists have the same problem. The lack of regulation and monitoring brings us all into disrepute. This is the danger of seeking Psychological help from private practice; it’s has the lowest barriers to entry despite what you pay.

[Sssloou]

Most therapists have a full clinic schedule. Surely he has other clients and can’t drop them to “see” her at the drop of a hat.

What is the “flat fee” she is paying and what are the unorthodox practices he is using.

[username501]

Sound like a Carry On film.

[Jason118]

I think it's a different sort of therapy she's getting.