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Original poster

I want to see my friend without her daughter

139 replies

CornflakeMum · 14/09/2020 14:57

Long term friend, pre-Covid used to see her 1-2 times a week. Met up for a coffee or went for a walk together etc. We've known each other for 20+ years!

Her 21 year old daughter ("Lucy") graduated this year and is now back at home looking for jobs. I know her daughter and she'd probably consider me a family friend/godmother-type person. I like her, and we'll chat etc when I see her. She's quite a shy, home-loving sort of girl and probably doesn't know many people at home now.

However whenever I try to organise something with my friend she seems to now automatically bring Lucy too. We invited her and her DH over for an evening BBQ and she texted "is Lucy invited too?"
We arranged to meet for a walk and coffee and she texted me to say they were running late as Lucy was a bit late back from the gym.
If I go over to hers to drop something off and sit in garden for a cup of tea then Lucy will come and join us.
I suggested we go to a local gallery and she said, "I'll just check Lucy is free that day."

As I say, I like her, but it does end up changing the dynamic rather and I miss being about to chat about the things we usually discuss like people we know and what our kids are up to.

Does this seem slightly weird? I'm finding it hard to say "how about just the two of us meet up?" in case she's offended, but it's beginning to feel like an awkward threesome!

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 14/09/2020 14:59

I very close to my daughter and she does tag a long often she's 18 but my friends like her around as she's sociable and fun. But if my friend asked just to meet me I wouldn't take offence, maybe just say you'd like some 1:1 time

SBTLove · 14/09/2020 15:01

I have DD15,22,25 and none would be interested in coming with me to see friends, your friend is a bit presumptive that every invite includes her daughter.
Just say nicely, do you mind if it’s just us?

Original poster
CornflakeMum · 14/09/2020 15:02

I wondered if it's a daughter thing. I only have sons and they wouldn't be seen dead hanging around with their mum's friends!

OP posts:
MillyMollyFarmer · 14/09/2020 15:06

Perhaps it’s just temporary given the current situation? And perhaps her daughter has said she’s lonely or appears a bit lost so her mum wants to spend a bit more time with her. Give it a bit more time and then try and organise something obviously meant for just you two and see how it goes. It’s awkward to mention and she might take offence if something is going on.

ElspethFlashman · 14/09/2020 15:07

My SIL does this. My 20 year old niece is surgically attached to her. Living at home, doing a course etc.

I do like my niece but shes very VERY young for her age and its more like having a 15 year old in tow. So you have to watch your conversation. I wouldn't make adult jokes in front of her like you normally would. She's never had a boyfriend or anything. So my SIL openly admits she brings her to everything just to get her used to socialising with other adults.

My SIL invited me out for a drink with my other SIL last Christmas. "Girls night out "at a cocktail bar. Just what I needed! Turn up and the niece is there. Who doesn't drink and is socially awkward and sat in the booth in a hoodie and just talked about her friends the whole time. "And then Laura said this, and then Michelle said this back to her, and Laura was SOOOO narked..."

I mean, it was fine. But it wasnt what I had in mind and it wss pretty inhibiting. I wasn't going to drink many cocktails then.

I dont see my SIL that often so am just going to accept its the new normal and anticipate accordingly. I doubt I'm ever again going to have a proper adult gossip with my SIL in person alone. But hey ho.

Its harder for you because its a frequent friend. But this is the new normal. You may have to do more phonecalls instead if you want to have private chats. Because Lucy is going to be at everything from now on.

Original poster
CornflakeMum · 14/09/2020 15:12

@ElspethFlashman - yes, this sounds very similar! As an example, when we used to go for a walk we'd cover 4-5 miles and go at a fair old pace which I valued as part of my weekly exercise. Lucy turned up in a pair of flimsy sandals and we ended up stopping for a coffee after about a mile and a half!

OP posts:
Shepherdspyreads · 14/09/2020 15:18

Maybe you could suggest another walk & say Lucy invited but you want to cover a fair distance or pace as you want the exercise so you won't be offended if she doesn't fancy that. My guess is that Lucy likes you too but doesn't want to join in every time & feels like she can't say no without an acceptable get out. Or her mum makes her join to "get out of house". Speaking as a former Lucy!

IHaveBrilloHair · 14/09/2020 15:25

That's really annoying, I have a 19yr old and if Im going out with my friends she is not invited.

heymacaroner · 14/09/2020 15:35

One of my friends does this with her DP. Can you organise something ticketed and say 'I've got a spare ticket for X, do you want to come' and then when you see her alone ask her about the daughter in a caring way and say you've noticed shes around a lot, has she got friends nearby etc?

ElsieD283 · 14/09/2020 15:41

My partner does this. His daughter is home from uni due to lockdown and he will often invite her along when we go out on dates as he feels guilty about her being home alone, or we end up having dinner at his so that she can join us!

So, I end up leaving an empty, peaceful house on the nights that my children are at their dad's to go to his house with less privacy!

Original poster
CornflakeMum · 14/09/2020 15:59

I suppose I feel slightly offended by it. Almost as if "good old Cornflake" won't mind helping to entertain her daughter.
I don't have any female relatives nearby so I rely heavily on my friends for chat and companionship, but now I feel I've lost that.

OP posts:
MillyMollyFarmer · 14/09/2020 16:10

You are offended your friend assumes you’ll help her with her daughter? Hardly meant to offend. Perhaps your friend is just focused a bit more on her daughter than you’re used to, it might be temporary so I’d say give it time.

yescheese · 14/09/2020 17:37

If she's only just graduated and doesn't know many people at home I would assume it's a temporary thing and just go with it for a bit longer. Perhaps wait until Lucy has a job and then reassess whether it still feels she is a permanent fixture at all your meet ups. I totally understand why you wouldn't want her to join every time but it might end up a bit awkward asking to specifically exclude her if you don't actually mind her joining from time to time. perhaps do the 'i have two tickets for...' and hope your friend gets a taste for socialising without her daughter again? I wouldn't say anything for the time being though, to be honest.

EKGEMS · 14/09/2020 18:29

@MillyMollyFarmer She's hardly an infant or toddler that requires assistance by another adult

MillyMollyFarmer · 14/09/2020 18:41

Of course. But you said it! I’m sure she thinks of it more as adults hanging out and during a time when her daughter seems to be finding her feet. How long are we talking about? How many occasions? It’s up to you how long you leave it but a few months isn’t much. My daughter hangs out with my friends when she’s around but she isn’t there all the time for anyone to get annoyed.

Honeyhoops · 14/09/2020 18:45

I have a friend who has done this for the last few years. Her dd is at Uni but doesn't seem
to have many friends and is living at home. She brings her along most of the time, or if we're out and her dd rings to say she's finished for the day we have to go pick her up, then she'll want to go for lunch so we do that whether we planned to or not.

It annoys me but I don't want to say anything in case I upset my friend or her dd. The dd's lovely and I actually feel a bit sorry for her, she's almost 21, has few friends, has never had a bf and basically hangs around with her mum.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 14/09/2020 18:50

ElsieD283 - I think your situation is slightly different.

I know you didn't ask, op, but you are definitely nbu. Can you gently ask your friend if there is anything up with Lucy? why does she feel she always has to include her in anything she does?

I've had my 19 year old daughter at home from University during lock down and it has been absolutely wonderful to have her around as she is so cheery and positive and fun to be with. But I wouldn't ask her along to things I'm doing with friends.

Chamomileteaplease · 14/09/2020 18:57

Re the BBQ when she texted to ask if Lucy was invited what did you say? I bet you said "Yes of course!". That was your chance to say, actually it's an adult type thing. (Even if she is technically an adult!)

You are missing your friendship and I don't blame you but as your friend seems oblivious you are going to have to change the status quo.

Find a way to address it. Perhaps next time she says she needs to check if Lucy is free you say well actually I thought it would be lovely to spend some time together just the two of us.

A friend of mine asked if I would mind if her duaghter came on a planned walk recently. I texted back well actually I do mind, it would change the dynamic and we wouldnt' be able to talk properly. Exactly what you are talking about.

There are nice ways to say it but say it you must. Your friend needs to be more understanding and Lucy needs to be more self-sufficient Smile.

It is perfectly understandable and reasonable for you to want to stop this nonsense!

Bluntness100 · 14/09/2020 19:03

I do this, my daughter lives away but was recently home for two months after finishing her uni and before starting work, and I assume she is invited with me, because I wanted her there and to get out whenever she could, and she’s known my friends since she was a small child.

Honestly if someone said she wasn’t welcome I’d probably not go rather than say that to her and I would be offended. But then it is rare she’s home like that.

OllyBJolly · 14/09/2020 19:06

I have a friend who thought her teen DCs were great company and we loved having them around so she brought them to most of our meet ups. We really didn't - nice enough young people but it does change the dynamic. The friendship group fizzled out.

ElspethFlashman · 14/09/2020 19:07

Well Bluntness now you know how your friends might feel.

titchy · 14/09/2020 19:12

@Bluntness100

I do this, my daughter lives away but was recently home for two months after finishing her uni and before starting work, and I assume she is invited with me, because I wanted her there and to get out whenever she could, and she’s known my friends since she was a small child.

Honestly if someone said she wasn’t welcome I’d probably not go rather than say that to her and I would be offended. But then it is rare she’s home like that.

Shock Wow!
Abouttoblow · 14/09/2020 19:14

Do you also assume your husband is invited Bluntness? Because you want her there doesn't mean your friends do.

KurtansCurtains · 14/09/2020 19:22

Honestly if someone said she wasn’t welcome I’d probably not go rather than say that to her and I would be offended. But then it is rare she’s home like that

I think they'd probably rather you wouldn't go as well. You can't spare your friends a couple of hours away from your adult child? Jesus.

FelicityFisher · 14/09/2020 19:24

Why would you assume your grown up daughter is invited? Yes bring her along on the odd occasion I suppose but to say you'd be offended if your friends made it clear they only wanted to see you is bizarre - and to say you wouldn't actually go is even more strange!