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Original poster

I want to see my friend without her daughter

139 replies

CornflakeMum · 14/09/2020 14:57

Long term friend, pre-Covid used to see her 1-2 times a week. Met up for a coffee or went for a walk together etc. We've known each other for 20+ years!

Her 21 year old daughter ("Lucy") graduated this year and is now back at home looking for jobs. I know her daughter and she'd probably consider me a family friend/godmother-type person. I like her, and we'll chat etc when I see her. She's quite a shy, home-loving sort of girl and probably doesn't know many people at home now.

However whenever I try to organise something with my friend she seems to now automatically bring Lucy too. We invited her and her DH over for an evening BBQ and she texted "is Lucy invited too?"
We arranged to meet for a walk and coffee and she texted me to say they were running late as Lucy was a bit late back from the gym.
If I go over to hers to drop something off and sit in garden for a cup of tea then Lucy will come and join us.
I suggested we go to a local gallery and she said, "I'll just check Lucy is free that day."

As I say, I like her, but it does end up changing the dynamic rather and I miss being about to chat about the things we usually discuss like people we know and what our kids are up to.

Does this seem slightly weird? I'm finding it hard to say "how about just the two of us meet up?" in case she's offended, but it's beginning to feel like an awkward threesome!

OP posts:
MillyMollyFarmer · 14/09/2020 19:31

Yeah I don’t think it’s fair to assume it every time or be put out if someone asks just you. I get asked by my girlfriends without my DH. It’s not a dig at him. It’s perfectly normal. I guess if you did it once and they say no it might feel weird if it’s just a coffee! But i would not assume personally. I always assume my friends are just asking me.

frumpety · 14/09/2020 19:32

I assume she is invited with me, because I wanted her there

In a way that is lovely, you clearly have a great relationship with your DD, but she is an adult, she doesn't need to go anywhere because you want her there or to make sure she gets out. If she is at a loose end and fancies it and the host would like to host her, fair enough.

lavenderlove · 14/09/2020 19:34

Yanbu op I would hate that too. Could you say something along the lines of "Shall you and I arrange to go for one of our 4-5 mile walks next week? I could do with to get some exercise in and it would be nice to have a catch up with you" then you're being perfectly nice but hopefully she will read between the lines?

DPotter · 14/09/2020 19:35

Really don't get this. The very occasional meet up, maybe, but every time No way. I accept the 'Lucy's of this world may not have any friends their own age, but going out with their mums friends isn't going to put them in a position to meet those people and make friends with them.

I think you need to say something to at least limit the times 'Lucy' joins in

BlueDream · 14/09/2020 19:36

I really dislike it when people do this. It completely changes the dynamics and the type of conversation you can have.

In fact I think it's rude to assume you can just bring someone along. An adult child isn't exactly a 3 year old you can't leave home alone for a few hours.

Original poster
CornflakeMum · 14/09/2020 20:01

@Chamomileteaplease - with the BBQ I DID actually say I was thinking of 'adults' only, but it was complicated by the fact that at the time the guidelines were that only six people could meet outdoors (like now I guess!) and we'd already invited another couple too.

Even that evening was weird though as the other friends asked them how Lucy was and my friend said, "yes, she's fine thanks. She would've come tonight, except she couldn't because it's a limit of six and you were coming..." Confused
I know it was strictly true, but it came across as a bit rude!

Maybe I do need to just be a bit more direct and organise things that are obviously just for the two of us!

OP posts:
Anydreamwilldo12 · 14/09/2020 20:13

Blimey that was really rude, as if Lucy should be your priority as well as hers. Maybe its your friend who wants Lucy there for some strange reason. Its just plain weird that its every time.

Chamomileteaplease · 14/09/2020 20:18

Mmm. It sounds like you half tried Smile but fudged it because your friend still thought Lucy was invited Shock.

Lavenderlove above had a lovely way of putting it on a text. A bit kinder than mine!

I think it is great that you are thinking of tackling this and I really hope that your friend welcomes you with open arms! I think nearly everyone on this thread understood how you are feeling so hopefully that will give you courage Smile.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/09/2020 20:22

If she is your friend (and I mean the type that would hold your hair while you puked or you could tell absolutely anything to and vice versa) then you really should be able to have a chat with her and say that while it's been nice having Lucy tag along with her mum and you recently, you're missing the one-to-one time that you had before Lucy came home, you're missing your power walks and you're missing your friend as she is now your friend +1 whenever you suggest meeting up. There are times that having Lucy is nice but there are other times that you want just your friend and what her take on that is.
Depending on her reply, you'll have your answer and you should be able to do more things one way or the other.

SBTLove · 14/09/2020 20:24

@Bluntness100
You cannot be that lacking in awareness?
Because you want her there you assume the invite includes her? that’s the height of arrogance!!
YOU were invited not your DD!!!
No wonder we have all these ‘Lucy’s’ trailing along with Mummy, how will they make friends when they get tested like toddler??

SBTLove · 14/09/2020 20:24

*treated not tested

Sssloou · 14/09/2020 20:33

It’s v socially clumsy of your friend to automatically include her DD on your regular walks.

For me times are v precious and emotionally intimate but maybe your friend doesn’t value it as much as you do - or her DD needs trump yours?

Is there any point stilll doing it?

BlankTimes · 14/09/2020 20:36

ElspethFlashman I do like my niece but shes very VERY young for her age and its more like having a 15 year old in tow. So you have to watch your conversation. I wouldn't make adult jokes in front of her like you normally would. She's never had a boyfriend or anything. So my SIL openly admits she brings her to everything just to get her used to socialising with other adults

Turn up and the niece is there. Who doesn't drink and is socially awkward and sat in the booth in a hoodie and just talked about her friends the whole time. "And then Laura said this, and then Michelle said this back to her, and Laura was SOOOO narked

Couple of points to note there, mostly because of her age, emotional age 75% of chronological age and difficulty with social communication. It's possible that your niece could have undiagnosed Additional Needs.

FishPalace · 14/09/2020 20:37

@Bluntness100

I do this, my daughter lives away but was recently home for two months after finishing her uni and before starting work, and I assume she is invited with me, because I wanted her there and to get out whenever she could, and she’s known my friends since she was a small child.

Honestly if someone said she wasn’t welcome I’d probably not go rather than say that to her and I would be offended. But then it is rare she’s home like that.

@Bluntness100, you’re a frequent, very commonsensical poster with whom I often agree, so it seems deeply odd that you can’t see that while you’re understandably delighted your daughter is home, your friends don’t necessarily feel the same to the extent that they implicitly include her in all invitations. Or that the averagely self-aware young adult would assume she’s always invited out with her mother’s friends while at home to the point that her mother would need to tell her she wasn’t?
Original poster
CornflakeMum · 14/09/2020 20:37

@Sssloou well, that's the question I've been asking myself really! I've realised I haven't seen my friend this last couple of weeks (although was away for a few days) and now I can't decide if I can face another event with Lucy, or if I need to be specific that I just want to see my friend!

OP posts:
SBTLove · 14/09/2020 20:40

@BlankTimes
Well done on getting SEN in this thread, bingo!!
Some ppl are just immature and rude 😉

akerman · 14/09/2020 20:44

Oh God. I used to be Lucy. My mother was v abusive, which meant I thought any of her friends were absolutely lovely. She thinks yo7’re great, OP, as annoying as it might be.

Original poster
CornflakeMum · 14/09/2020 20:49

Oh God, @akerman - don't say that!
There are moments when I've wondered if Lucy had a bit of a crush on me!
Her mum definitely isn't abusive, but she's an academic, scientific type, which I'm not - I'm much more artistic, creative etc which is like Lucy. In the past I've been very supportive of e.g. her Art A level, which her mum described as her 'hobby' Shock.

So maybe it's Lucy who is pushing to come with us!

Aaargh!

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 14/09/2020 20:52

I think her Mum just wants her DD to get out more. Understandable really. It's their family dynamic and that's hard to get in the way of as you don't come 1st. You can of course ask her for 1:1 time without her DD but if she's in that mode + wants her DD's company and says 'No' then you have to accept it. It's probably only for now anyway so, give it some time. Posters criticising the DD are of zero help to you. They'll just wind you up and have you approaching your friend in a way that could crash the friendship. It's also a bit 'Mean Girls' isn't it. Do phone chats for now until things change up a little. & See another friend.

akerman · 14/09/2020 20:54

Sorry! Let’s choose to think I’m completely wrong!

akerman · 14/09/2020 20:57

And I didn’t butt in on their lunches, but I shot downstairs if they came round.

RatInADollhouse · 14/09/2020 21:00

@ElsieD283 with respect I think that’s very different. If you’ve been together with this man long enough to call him your “partner” I would imagine that he considers you and his DD to both be members of his family and that you spend quite a bit of time with him. When I lived at home for a while in my early 20s my parents always encouraged me to join them for meals out, cinema, and the like, unless they were going out with their other friends or to someone else’s home. That was appropriate because their friends were not our family and my parents didn’t see them all the time so it made sense to not have an “outsider” there. I get the sense you think your partner should act like you are a friend he doesn’t see often and treat his daughter as the outsider. That would never have happened in the house where I grew up and I certainly would never do that to my own kids, divorce or not. Have a word with yourself.

StCharlotte · 14/09/2020 21:04

My best friend has a daughter in her early 20s who I'm always delighted to see but if she'd been there last time, we couldn't have had the heart to heart about middle-aged sex problems that we had so yes, it does change the dynamic. And sometimes the whole purpose of a get-together.

Deadringer · 14/09/2020 21:05

I have a dd that age who is a bit socially awkward so i do make an effort to do things with her, but no way would i bring her anywhere she was not specifically invited to. Apart from the fact that i think it's rude, as pp said it would change the dynamic of the outing. I have my 'mum face' on when i am with my dc, even the grown up ones, and i am quite different when i am with my friends. In your situation i would be honest and tell your friend that you would like to meet up with her on her own. If she is a real friend she won't mind.

SBTLove · 14/09/2020 21:06

@RatInADollhouse
I think you’re being ridiculous,@ElsieD283 is arranging date nights ie a meal with him and he brings an adult daughter, not the same
as you and your parents, she’s not this woman’s mother or stepmother.
I think you need a word with yourself, the situations are not comparable at all.