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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to see my friend without her daughter

139 replies

CornflakeMum · 14/09/2020 14:57

Long term friend, pre-Covid used to see her 1-2 times a week. Met up for a coffee or went for a walk together etc. We've known each other for 20+ years!

Her 21 year old daughter ("Lucy") graduated this year and is now back at home looking for jobs. I know her daughter and she'd probably consider me a family friend/godmother-type person. I like her, and we'll chat etc when I see her. She's quite a shy, home-loving sort of girl and probably doesn't know many people at home now.

However whenever I try to organise something with my friend she seems to now automatically bring Lucy too. We invited her and her DH over for an evening BBQ and she texted "is Lucy invited too?"
We arranged to meet for a walk and coffee and she texted me to say they were running late as Lucy was a bit late back from the gym.
If I go over to hers to drop something off and sit in garden for a cup of tea then Lucy will come and join us.
I suggested we go to a local gallery and she said, "I'll just check Lucy is free that day."

As I say, I like her, but it does end up changing the dynamic rather and I miss being about to chat about the things we usually discuss like people we know and what our kids are up to.

Does this seem slightly weird? I'm finding it hard to say "how about just the two of us meet up?" in case she's offended, but it's beginning to feel like an awkward threesome!

OP posts:
EhUp · 14/09/2020 21:12

YANBU OP to want to sometimes see your friend without her DD always being in tow

My DD has no interest in spending time with hanging out with people her parents age but I do have a couple of friends who have a DD like 'Lucy' who likes e to tag on to their Mum's social lives

I don't mind if it happens occasionally but it does get annoying if it gets to the point when you never get to chat to your friend without her daughter always being there

I also have an old friend (my age mid 40s) who mainly socialised with her parents and all their friends (now in late 60s, early 70s) and has done ever since she was Lucy's age. I've always thought it was a bit odd and wondered how the parents' friends feel about it.

MrsTumbletap · 14/09/2020 21:41

Just be honest.

I would say:
"Want to meet up on Saturday for lunch just us two? Feel like I need a bit of one to one time and adult conversation?"

If she says "Can Lucy come?" Say "Can it just be us two this time, just want to talk about adult stuff".

Just be honest, be direct and ask for you want, it's not rude, it's not horrible, it understandable. I had to do something very similar with one of my friends recently and I just thought be honest and it worked well.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 14/09/2020 21:53

This is very odd. I am very close to both my adult and nearly adult daughters, but apart from with a few family friends, we don’t socialise together. I don’t think it would enter their minds to join me when I go out, and I can imagine their horror if it were vice versa. And none of my friends’ daughters are like this either.

I think you have every right to ask Lucy not to come, OP.

Shizzlestix · 14/09/2020 22:08

I’m somewhat amazed by Bluntness saying she presumes her daughter is also invited. She’s not. I have a friend who presumes her daughter is invited too. We don’t see her much any more. I don’t want to spend my evenings listening to her daughter going on about her new business. It doesn’t interest me. My friend’s ventures interest me.

I wrote on here some years ago about this, asking how I could convey to my friend that I wanted to see her, not her daughter. I received the same kind of thing that’s been said on here, people saying ask if I can one on one, but the assumption was always that her daughter was invited. Drove me a bit nuts.

Notcoolmum · 15/09/2020 05:43

I have a friend who sometimes does this. Whilst her daughter is nice it definitely changes the dynamic. When we arrange to meet up I'm never sure if the daughter will be there too. We definitely don't talk in the same way if the daughter is there.

I find it weird anyone would assume an invite included an extra person. If my DD asked to come along or if I felt I wanted her to to get her out of the house, I would always ask the person I was meeting up with if that was ok.

I have nothing against any of my friends children. But it's always nice to know if they will be there as it will be a different meeting.

redcarbluecar · 15/09/2020 05:55

I agree with you OP; I wouldn’t always want the daughter there, affecting the dynamic and limiting what we did. I think friend should be asking you whether it’s ok and accepting that sometimes it won’t be. As she isn’t, this is a slightly awkward situation, which I think you can only change by being direct. Otherwise accept that they’ll always come as a package.

MyOtherProfile · 15/09/2020 05:56

Next time you meet up as a three you could turn the conversation to Lucy and ask her how she is finding making friends and building her own social life now she is home, as you're sure she won't want to hang out with her mum and her friends for long.

Mittens030869 · 15/09/2020 06:11

This isn't something I can relate to, as I couldn't imagine wanting to hang out with my DM and one of her friends. My social life is completely separate to hers, and always has been. But it sounds as if your friend's DD is lonely and doesn't have many local friends after being at uni, and things might change once she has a job, especially if she moves away once she has one.

Obviously YANBU to find this a bit annoying. It might be worth telling your friend that you do sometimes want to spend some time just with her?

MrsMcMuffins · 15/09/2020 06:19

I have a similar situation but in reverse. My friend (in her 40s) always want to bring her mum with her. To be honest I always end up cancelling though I should probably also say something. She now has a DD too so in the future she will probably bring both her mum and DD🤷🏻‍♀️

Oblomov20 · 15/09/2020 06:24

I can't believe all if you don't have the courage to say something.
I would have.
"Whilst it's really nice of Lucy to come along, it does change the dynamics, so I was wondering if this time we could just do you and me".

dontrecycle · 15/09/2020 06:44

Oh I have a friend who does this. She tells people that her friends love having her daughter around. We absolutely dont but are all too polite to say. Those of you who think the same should reconsider.

HoldUpALightFprMe · 15/09/2020 06:52

I do socialise with my mum a lot but I'm not with her all the time and she does get time with her friends as I do with mine. We are each other's best friends though so we do a lot together/as a family.

Okbutnotgreat · 15/09/2020 07:02

This seems really odd to me. I have a 19 year old but it wouldn’t occur to me to take her out with my friends but nor would she want to any more than I’d want to go out with hers.

If you are good friends with this person you are going to have to say friend I’m really missing some grown up chat with just the two of us, lovely though your daughter is I don’t feel the same way with her there.

Shedpaint · 15/09/2020 07:02

You mentioned lunch was at the gym once and you all had to wait for her to get back so you could meet up?

Well can you use that to engineer a meeting when she isn’t there and just get things back on track that way?

Hi friend I’m dying for us to have a good old walk and chat as I haven’t seen you for two weeks.
What days does Lucy do her gym class as maybe we can get out together then and you and I can get some exercise in too- ours will be more fun as we can have a natter like we used to but it’s lovely Lucy enjoys her gym classes like the youngsters do.

That does rather insinuate that your friend can’t leave Lucy alone unless she is otherwise occupied but given that’s the case maybe that’s fair enough!

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 15/09/2020 07:02

I don't blame you, I have a friend who does this sometimes and it changes the dynamic.

As Lucy is going to every single thing, it sounds as though she can't be left at home alone. Are there any other issues?

I remember when I was depressed as a young adult living at home, my parents would either take me with them to things or one would stay home as they were worried I would do something to hurt myself.

Dontletitbeyou · 15/09/2020 07:08

I think you are entitled to ask your friend for a girls afternoon out , just the two of you . My best friend and I both have daughters in their late teens . Neither of them would have any interest at all in tagging along when we meet up as they are both busy doing their own thing with their friends . Maybe you could arrange something occasionally where the three of you can all go together , but say you miss the 1-1 time you usually spend together . As other pp said she may well not want to leave her daughter home , and decline meeting up anymore , but if you are close friends hopefully she will understand where you are coming from.

icelollycraving · 15/09/2020 07:12

My sister does this with her dd who has been home for over a year. We don’t get to meet v often so it’s a family occasion. I was a bit Shock that she went out with her mum and dad on a special anniversary for dinner.
I don’t go anywhere without my ds but he’s much younger and I don’t get much time with him as I work full time or I may meet for lunch/coffee when he’s at school.

icelollycraving · 15/09/2020 07:14

My mum always had a constant stream of friends round. I’d often go and sit with them. My mum used to tell me they’d come to see her, not me, and to bugger off Grin

needsahouseboy · 15/09/2020 07:24

I cannot for the life of me think why you’d invite an adult child along to meet your friends. If you do and you think your friends enjoy it then you’re deluded.

I think you just need to say your missing your friendship and want to see her on her own.

Sakurami · 15/09/2020 07:43

That is ridiculous. You can't chat the same! Occasionally it is fair enough but all the time is weird.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 15/09/2020 07:51

I can just imagine that some posters will ask their friends if they mind their adult child tagging along on the back of this thread, their friends, suddenly put on the spot, will say, ‘oh no, it’s so lovely to see them’ the posters will them continue and feel even more backed up. Meanwhile there’ll be some poor sods out there kicking themselves that they didn’t say anything!

icelollycraving · 15/09/2020 08:24

Yes! Most people would do exactly that! Then seethe for months and let the visits fizzle out.

lifestooshort123 · 15/09/2020 08:41

"Shall we meet up, just the two of us, for lunch next week? Let me know and I'll book a table".
"Is it OK if Lucy comes as well?"
"Perhaps not this time then we can have a proper catch up".

Anydreamwilldo12 · 15/09/2020 09:09

If she's a really good friend I would just get straight to the point

"Bloody hell Marjorie does Lucy have to be with us every time we meet up"

That should do it😃

CharityDingle · 15/09/2020 09:15

For the walk, if there's a next time, and coffee is proposed half way along, just say you are going to keep walking and leave them to it. That way at least, you still get your exercise.

The daughter probably won't want to tag along forever. She might be a bit bored or lonely, given the strange times we are in. But I would start proposing separate meet ups now, if I were you, rather than letting it drag on. 'Let's meet for lunch, just the two of us. We need a good catch up.'

I think your friend sees the situation very differently, to anyone else involved, given her comment to the other friends at your barbecue. And it won't change, unless you change it.
FWIW, I don't think any offence is intended by your friend bringing her daughter along.