Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

IndieTara, I am so intolerant as well and have been for a long time now.
Greyandrare123 , I strongly agree that the real intention and the real person unravels quickly on these sites.
A while ago I started chatting to a man, which led to a phone call. The next day I was so called 'dumped' by text as he saw me still online. Work that one out if you might??
I am chatting to someone new yet again. However his messages are so wordy. I really do not need to know all about a person before we meet, if indeed we do ever meet. You just cannot win.
This brings to mind some of the men I have met over the years who spend all the first date talking about themselves.
I came away from the latest one a few months ago and and literally thought to myself he knows nothing more about me than he did before we met. Talk about a monologue, some men just like the sound of their own voice.

Hi all. Can I join? I'm 49. I have been Online dating for 18 months. It's tough out there.
I've tried different apps & they're all the same -lots of likes & lots of chats.... but chats don't necessarily lead to dates.

I don't know what men my age expect.
I was talking to a male friend the other night - he does online dating too.
He told me I'm 'too picky'. I'm really not! He says I'll only meet someone when I start dating men who are 10 years older.
I felt hurt by his attitude and told him so.

My age limit is set to 55. Even so men of 55 often seem too old for me.
My friend seems to be insinuating that men my age only want women who are a lot younger.
I'll be 50 next year & I don't want to get down about my age.
What are your experiences - are you dating men in the same age bracket?

Susan is looking a better and better prospect by the minute! Even if he didn't want me!

I am laughing hard!

On a serious point I wonder if we need men younger than us..given how badly they age (and die younger). I met a lovely man who was 49 but he thought he still wanted more
children (already had teens). I doubt it would happen for him as 30 somethings are not going to be interested.
I have a date this week..lots of texting which I wish wasn't the case as I have to remind myself he is a stranger.Does anyone struggle with places to go, especially with CV19 and the restrictions.

Just a straw poll, if your Ex was online would you recommend him? Just try to assess if there are decent single men out there..Definitely wouldn't recommend mine!

I'm sure there are lots of good men out there. They are nowhere near me though, judging by the succession of undesirables on my Tinder. I have met two lovely men online in the past 18 months (one was 5 years older than me, one 6 years younger). I am rapidly giving up hope of meeting another one though. Was chatting to someone who sent me a message last night then when I went to reply this morning found that he had unmatched me.

if your Ex was online would you recommend him?

No. But I guess not many of us would recommend our exes? Mine was a professional at giving me the silent treatment and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

I am 51 and also don’t think I am going to meet anyone.

He says I'll only meet someone when I start dating men who are 10 years older. - bollocks to that - I would rather be on my own. My ex is 12 years older than me and if I ever do get together with anyone else (looking unlikely) I don’t want a repeat of that age gap. Plus I think women our age do get together with younger men, it’s kind of misogynistic of your friend to think otherwise. I had a counsellor that said the same to me when I was still in my 40s or maybe just 50. That men in their 50s and 60s would be interested in me.

Pretty sure men don’t get the same narrative preached at them. Not to mention the fact that women tend to look after themselves better as they age so why would they go for men ten years older?

Thanks @Overwhelmed222
Yes, it is misogynistic. I felt devalued as a woman. I don't think he could understand why I felt so insulted.

I look after myself. Pre Covid, I had an active social life and men (and women) would tell me I looked younger than I am. That aside , even if I don't age well, I still wouldn't want to date someone so much older. I'd rather stay single. I'm happy in my life already but I've been alone a long time and would like a man in my life.

My ex was a year older than me and I liked the fact we shared history almost exactly when we met eg TV, films, music, political events. So OLD I went two years older, two years younger. Then at 56 I met my DP online, when he was 50. He had and still has no issue with me being older, and I like the vigour of his relative youth, so we suit each other and that’s all there is to it.

A sensible man in his 50s with his feet on the ground will know that a younger woman, with young kids and/or wanting more kids, is going to be hassle. Ergo, those looking in that age group are a bit stupid and selfish, IMO, looking to relive their youth/bag a trophy/source a carer, so why would I want one of those?

I've dated men who are in their early 40s and are younger than me. I didn't notice the age gap. They had kids and life experience so they were quite mature. Some men prefer older women.

@WildestDreamsSunset

Hi all. Can I join? I'm 49. I have been Online dating for 18 months. It's tough out there. I've tried different apps & they're all the same -lots of likes & lots of chats.... but chats don't necessarily lead to dates.

I don't know what men my age expect.
I was talking to a male friend the other night - he does online dating too.
He told me I'm 'too picky'. I'm really not! He says I'll only meet someone when I start dating men who are 10 years older.
I felt hurt by his attitude and told him so.

My age limit is set to 55. Even so men of 55 often seem too old for me.
My friend seems to be insinuating that men my age only want women who are a lot younger.
I'll be 50 next year & I don't want to get down about my age.
What are your experiences - are you dating men in the same age bracket?

Hello Wildest, nice to have you along for the ride (metaphorically speaking!) with us.

I'm 55 (56 next month) and I have to say a lot of men my age do seem so much older. I'm not particularly fit, but I'm healthy and happy (mostly) and busy and have a lovely life. I think I have a positive attitude and I try not to take life too seriously - living with a Dh who had serious illness for years taught me about being positive and appreciating the "now", and I think my dc keep me young (even though they're young adults now). I just can't seem to find anyone with a similar attitude and outlook, despite what they say in their profiles!

My dh was 5 days younger than me, and the man I had a relationship with which ended last year was 3 years younger than me, I've set my age brackets to five years either side of my age but get contacted by all ages ranging from 20's to 70's. Just waiting until I get someone in their 80's before I shoot myself!

I absolutely would recommend my dh but unfortunately he's not my ex dh, he's my late dh so that's a bit of a stumbling block!

I do think the good match is more about life experience rather than age. Have had a relationship with someone 9yrs older and that seemed quite a gap, although we got on very well. Our children were not at a too dissimilar stage so maybe that helped.

Started speaking to someone last night who wanted me to go to his place at 12.30. I said no, I was in bed ... and children ... and only spoken for a few hours This morning he announced that he didn't see 'this' going anywhere! He had never been married and had only ever had relationships lasting two years max. He seemed very immature although was my age.

Hi @Fiftyandmore
thank you for the lovely welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm a widow too. I agree that living under such tough circumstances (my husband had a life threatening illness and was ill for years) it makes you appreciate life in a different way.
Like you I have a positive attitude. I have a happy life -good family & friends who care about me.

Thank you for starting this thread. It helps to know that it's not just me going through the constant rejections. It can get you down. My friend says with online dating there are always going to be more 'misses than hits'. I keep that thought - and 'I only need to meet one person' and I'm not desperate.

I had a short relationship last year with a man who was 6 years younger. Age never came into it , although he had a young child which makes me think I'll tend to avoid someone with younger children now.

I had a date last week with someone. I wasn't sure from his photos and it was a pleasant evening until towards the end of the date he started telling me his extreme views about the pandemic. I won't be seeing him again!

This week I'm having a little break from swiping to recharge my emotional batteries. I'm still messaging with one man as we started chatting before my break.

Although in my experience most of the time chats lead to nothing ....

Wildest, I agree about avoiding men with young children. I'm past that stage and looking forward to doing more as me and not 'mum'! I wouldn't want to go back to having to worry about a young child again. It is interesting how many men our age do have younger children though

On OLD I’ve met quite a few men 55+ with very young children from a 2nd marriage which went bust - and quite a few with sole charge too. Absolutely not my cup of tea now that my DC are well into their 20s. To be honest being around other people’s DC when young would never have suited me, and I always would have resented the expectation I would ‘mother’ them. I adored my own when they were young (still do, obvs) but otherwise I’ve always found children boring 😂

@Daftapath @TiggerDatter
I'm glad it's not just me! 😂
The ones with young families in their mid fifties obviously dated a lot younger then!
I don't want to play 'mum' either -My own DC are older teenagers.
I could grown fond of someone else's children but I'd prefer them to be older.

I'm 53 with an 11 yo old DD so that's possibly not that attractive to men my age.
Re younger men, my XH was 11 yrs younger than me ( he lied about his age I thought he was 5 yrs younger ) he was very immature, but also Arabic which didn't help with the maturity!
It really did put me off younger men which is a shame as I get lots contacting me on OLD.

@WildestDreamsSunset

Hi *@Fiftyandmore* thank you for the lovely welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm a widow too. I agree that living under such tough circumstances (my husband had a life threatening illness and was ill for years) it makes you appreciate life in a different way. Like you I have a positive attitude. I have a happy life -good family & friends who care about me.

Thank you for starting this thread. It helps to know that it's not just me going through the constant rejections. It can get you down. My friend says with online dating there are always going to be more 'misses than hits'. I keep that thought - and 'I only need to meet one person' and I'm not desperate.

I had a short relationship last year with a man who was 6 years younger. Age never came into it , although he had a young child which makes me think I'll tend to avoid someone with younger children now.

I had a date last week with someone. I wasn't sure from his photos and it was a pleasant evening until towards the end of the date he started telling me his extreme views about the pandemic. I won't be seeing him again!

This week I'm having a little break from swiping to recharge my emotional batteries. I'm still messaging with one man as we started chatting before my break.

Although in my experience most of the time chats lead to nothing ....

Seems we have a lot in common! I'm sorry for your loss too - how long have you been widowed for?

@Daftapath - he can't seriously have expected you to go round to his at that time of night after only knowing him for a few hours?! Talk about trying his luck!

My youngest dc is 16 now and the oldest 27 so I too wouldn't really want to be involved with very young dc. I think I'd be fine with say 13 plus, but any younger - been there, done that, and it wasn't easy!

"@Daftapath - he can't seriously have expected you to go round to his at that time of night after only knowing him for a few hours?! Talk about trying his luck!"

I know!! My youngest is 15, so I do go out and leave them at home but I wouldn't ever just disappear in the middle of the night ... even if I knew the man!

My XH was disabled we had 20yrs of life revolving around him and not being able to do things because of that. I'm hoping to meet someone and catch up on all the things I have missed - city breaks, beach holidays, anything spontaneous!

Would I recommend my ex? No. He has a heart of gold but he drinks a lot and his mood changed for the worse in drink. He also accidently spent a fortune on a ingame subscription when hammered. He is 49.
I went for a walking date last night with a man from tinder who is fairly local. He was nice, decent, chatty and had good manners. Even though he is fairly local and has lived in this area all his life he knew nothing of the area which I thought a little 🤔. When we were parting he mentioned next time we could do the same over a beverage and I replied let me know when you are free. Since then...zero. I wasnt physically attracted to him. I use crutches and my head isnt straight on my shoulders. I wont let it get me down but I was nicely dressed in a casual style and made up with nice hair. He didnt look like he had made any effort and yet I am sure he thought he can do better than me in the looks dept.
Tomorrow I am meeting a 42 year old for coffee. We will see how that goes.
Do you all get rejections too? At the moment I feel lm the only one, feeling slightly irrational

@Daftapath I'm exactly the same in feeling that I want to catch up on so many things Dh and I couldn't do. In an ideal world, I'd like to have done them with him but they couldn't happen.

@Greyandrare123 maybe last night's date has been busy today and you might hear later. If not - his loss. It's not too promising a sign that he didn't make an effort for a first meeting.

And you are definitely not the only one getting rejections - I get them left, right and centre! And lots of fizzling out too. You're getting dates which is more than I can say - I've only had three in six-ish weeks. Although one of those dates I saw for a second time, and will see tomorrow - but only when he drops a chest of drawers round! I'm questioning the wisdom of seeing him again because he's keen, and whereas I think he's a really nice man, I don't fancy him in the least.

@Fiftyandmore
Yes, we do. I've been a widow for 8 years. I was widowed at 40. How long has it been for you?

I didn't want to date for a very long time & really didn't fancy OLD! I'm resigned to it now, though - seems to be the only option to meet someone at the moment.

@Greyandrare123
"Tomorrow I am meeting a 42 year old for coffee. We will see how that goes.
Do you all get rejections too? At the moment I feel lm the only one, feeling slightly irrational"

Yes! Lots of rejections - I don't get many dates. I don't even message the really handsome ones either just the nice to average looking men with good profiles. Most of the time they just ignore my message. It is disheartening but after 18 mths I'm hardened to it now. I think you mean rejections after a date -I've had that too but usually when I haven't wanted to see them again either. You don't sound very interested in the walking guy anyway?

Good luck with the coffee date! I always think it's a nice no pressure first date.

@WildestDreamsSunset - so young :(. I'm sorry. How old were your dc? I hope you had lots of love and support around you, and that you still do.

It'll be four years for me in February. I didn't really want to date for ages but then fell into the 18month relationship I had which ended last year. In retrospect, I was very lucky that he was a decent man because I was quite vulnerable and could easily have been taken advantage of. As it is, I have mixed emotions about it - the unexpectedness and the intense physicality of it took my mind of my grief. But the subsequent ending felt like another terrible loss, and I realised that, instead of grieving properly for dh, I'd subsumed a lot of my emotions under this new relationship, and ended up having two losses to process,

In truth, I'm probably not over either of them yet but time isn't on my side, I'm bored and I don't want to be lonely so OLD it is.

Thank you @fiftyandmore
I have two DC. My youngest was 8 years old when my husband died.

I feel for you too. It's really tough. Grief lasts a long, long time.
It's good that you found a decent man. I understand that feeling of vulnerability . I still feel a bit vulnerable now, sometimes. I could easily have been taken advantage of if I'd done OLD sooner.
You say you have mixed emotions about it -that's understandable.
I think we learn from every relationship , every friendship.

Like you I just feel that I don't want to be alone. I have to give OLD a try anyway!

Fiftyandmore, three dates in sixish weeks? I think that is really good going. I have not gone on three dates in the last twelve months.
Greyandrare123, I think you were brave to venture out on a walking date if you are on crutches. Personally I do not like walking dates at all as I prefer to sit opposite and have a good view of someone, something I do not feel you can do when you are walking side by side. I suppose I could always walk behind them :)
I do not rejections as I do not contact men first, too lazy basically.
I do however suffer from the disappearing act, then I simply delete.
It is the end of dates that I hate, well when you are hoping they wont ask to see you again. I usually say something along the lines of ' let's go go home and have a think' Then having to send the message that you do not think there spark.

Im sorry i am on my phone so its not easy to link names.
For those who have lost their husbands/partners I am so sorry for your loss and wholly admire your courage to go forward. Having to deal with some of the dire men from the internet while missing a loved one is hard. Reaching out with a hug to you all.
I suggested the walking date as I find pubs and the mask wearing adds to my anxiety. Plus I fear then the only contact I may have with him post date could be to tell me Ive been in contact with covid. Hence the walking.
Its very heartening to kmow you all have rejections..I do try to not contact first and I think I get a lot of rejections off the bat due to the first sift. Unfortuantly I have now become a bit obsessed with numbers and some rapid fire swiping to see how many I get matched with. I absolutely know its totally irrelevent data and has no baring on anything!

Greyandrare123, I see where you are coming from now :) I must admit I would rather stay home than walk...I much prefer a table between.
I do not understand this matching? You could match as I have done with men who you have zero attraction to, so there is no point pursuing.
I agree, for those of you who have lost your partners you are very brave to venture in to the world of dating.