Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

It's not even that I want to be asked lots of questions as I am quite private until I know someone, but if there is no give and take I don't want to carry the whole load. I don't just ask How are you? or What do you do? I'll always find something in their profile and explore it. Recently a man was into dancing. I said what a great way to unwind, any particular kind of dancing? He named it, and how he enjoys it. I said great, is this a life long passion or something you've discovered recently? He said I've danced my whole life. I said what a great thing to have something you love to get you through hard times. He said yes, it's always been really important to him.

So, three questions in, I left it, to see if I would get any interest from him at all. Nothing. And I don't really want to give you my autobiography but I need something. In my direction. Something funny that happened to you today. Something interesting you learnt. Something that doesn't involve just answering my questions. You're clearly not interested, just unmatch me then!

I'm going to give FB a try.

There's now a MN thread on Facebook dating in case any of you are interested.

hotchocolatey can you post a link? I can't find it.

@hotchocolatey I'm not on lots of sites but recognise one or two from Match but otherwise all seem fairly new. So far I've liked no one at all though and the feel of it for me is a cross between PoF and Tinder in that there are far too many bunny ears/noses and knights being sought.

@WeWantTheFinestWines Yeah you're within your rights ! A balanced conversation should ensue and it should be expansive, not narrow down to nothing. All we can do is shrug and say next

HairyArsedMan are grown women really adding bunny ears to their profile pics?? And wanting a knight in shining armour?

What a dire state of affairs. Makes me wonder why I don't match more often - not even false eyelashes! 😊

Facebook dating www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4074039-Facebook-dating

Here's the link. Hope it works

Thank you hotchocolatey!

@HairyArsedMan, out of interest, what constitutes a 'quality woman' in your opinion?

I just couldn't meet up with loads of people (even if I had 'loads' messaging!) so I have to be selective. I think I am becoming more selective the longer I am old but maybe that is because my enthusiasm comes and goes!

@Fiftyandmore presumably your rl friend uses paid for sites? Hence how she gets many more contacts?

Facebook dating sounds interesting. Do they stick to the parameters that are set? So sick of mesages from 20 somethings (and younger)

It really isn't all about asking questions, or being asked questions is it? It's about chatting with someone who shows that they are interested in you and someone who is not just using you to talk about themselves.

I have a date tomorrow. Meeting for a walk in central London (in the rain!) He has admitted that he isn't great at messaging but I did manage to find a teen free hour so we could chat in the phone - which was a first (pre- meeting face to face) so go me!  He seems personable, amusing, offered as much to the conversation as me and asked to meet up.

But I do feel a bit guilty about Mr Gatwick! Chatted to him on the phone this week too. He hasn't put too much effort into responding to messages but I know he is immensely busy with work.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I feel bad now, but yep, there are those and then all the filtering that enlarges eyes and puts a halo around.

@Daftapath I read a profile recently that made me laugh with the following "He who chases many rabbits catches none (proverb)".

I wish I hadn't said "quality woman" now as I don't intend to say that anyone is lacking anything. It's just someone who feels like a good fit for me. The distinction I like is that they pass the car test - where you'd just love to get stuck in a traffic jam with them as a passenger in order to spend more time in their company.

@fiftyandmore I would attend a webinar hosted by your extraordinary friend..Does she she many for second dates and does she face much rejection?
Not much happening here.
Im having a very pleasant video friendship with a doctor who is now a scientist. He isnt from the UK and is here for a 3yr project living in a very nice area..He is close to his family and likes to chat. Seems kind and doesnt seem pretentious although is probably in a v highly paid job. He seems to like my complete ordinaryness. I cant compete with him intellectually nor do I wish to so I talk about things relevant to me and my life and he responds well to it.
He may be in the pipeline. No red flags and he is married to his job which at this time of my life, isnt a huge issue.
Im meant to be having a date with a younger man 45, on Sunday but I have a feeling he is flaky but I wonder if I am so conditioned to seeing a flurry of semi love bomb type behaviour as normal when 2 relatively boring messages a day are in fact, normal pre meet.
Been blocked by someone on Fab and Id forgotten id half heartedly said I cruise the isles in tesco with someone until they reminded me so I we have rearranged for next week.

I am finding very few want to meet and even the scientist isnt forthcoming and I dont think its covid. I think I might be a stopgap for many until they see someone they are really into..Im usually not the person they are really in to. I dont dwell on this as I think its a numbers game but its a bit meh at times. Ive got loads to offer but Im rarely, if ever the full package. So I hug my dog instead as he thinks im amazing.

@HairyArsedMan I like the idea of your car test and also @WeWantTheFinestWines three questions test.

I saw this earlier this evening and it resonated

"you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic"
From a poem by Marty McConnell

@Greyandrare123 I think two messages a day is very good! I can go a couple of days without hearing from Mr Gatwick (we have been messaging and meeting since June) and have trained myself to wait for him to message again first and not to read anything into it.

I think lots of people will avoid meeting at the moment because of covid/lockdown. I was quite surprised that tomorrow's date wanted to. Happy to do so in the open air though.

@daftpath As I sensed, tomorows date I think has blocked me on whattsapp.. or at least I think he has. One tick only after a week of 2 ticks..luckily Id kept my messages both neutral and brief so no investment.
Good luck with your date today.

Good morning everyone! I'd like to say how much pleasure I take in reading through this thread from time to time. You all seem like such a lovely lot. I haven't commented yet because I wasn't attempting to date or go on the apps for a long time.

So, I've taken the plunge. I'm back on the apps (refusing to pay for the time being as I could sob when I see many of the profile pictures popping up) and I managed to give my 'phone number to a man who 'liked' me and who seems to have certain qualities which are important to me.

We've been messaging this morning and he would like to speak to me this weekend. He did warn me that he likes feminine women and is not keen on obesity which irked me but I am prepared to give this a go. I only have one photo on the app and he asked for more. I replied that I wasn't at all into selfies, etc. but I sent him one photo taken last September during a neighbourhood garden gathering and he is happy with that.

I'll admit to feeling a little anxious not because of him so much but I'm always afraid of putting myself out there. I've become terribly philosophical and cautious about this whole malarky. I live in France and believe men to behave differently to English men. There's a fair bit of game playing to be honest.

@DustyMuse. Glad you are being guarded and you can look for more amber or red flags when you talk and explore the whole "no obesity and you should be feminine' thing going on..he has already told you about himself and his judgements.
@HairyArsedMan liking the car analogy. Id be happy stuck in minibus with people off this thread too.

@Greyandrare123, at least you know your instincts are working well. What's the saying "Rejection is protection"

I have quite a few potential irons, a few men message that never appear on my searches despite matching criteria which shows the sites don't work that well for "matching". That perhaps gives more hope.

One man, Mr Spain is not my usual type but he is coming across really well - he is a very althetic type and I may have swiped past as thought he was a gym dweller. Another Mr Skier is keen to message but I just don't feel a connection, can't work out if it's instinct or am I just tired from a hectic work week. Another is a Song writer.
I also am supposed to have a 2nd date with the Accountant from last week but given the weather is not looking good I think I want to stay home, warm and reading the book that fiftyandmore recommended.

@hairyarsedman, someone I know, more a FB friend, does the bunny ears and it has always baffled me why grown women do this. She also uses filters and photoshop so that her photos are very much enhanced. I do cringe but she isn't looking to meet men in RL and isn't very active on dating sites. Most men I've met look better in RL only one had enhanced photos and it was disappointing. I can't see the point if you are looking to meet someone.

daftapath I love that poem. I have seen that look in a lover's eyes on (rare) occasion and I know I've felt that way looking at someone else at times. Far too rarely though...

HairyArsedMan Car test, brilliant. I used to hate traffic jams, getting lost or anything like that with my DC's dad because it was inevitably my fault. Recent ex would have been chilled and found some comedy to listen to.

I reckon getting stuck in a traffic jam with you lot would be a hoot!

Tagging is tricky on mobile so not sure who the poster was, but being required to be feminine from the outset would be a massive red flag for me. What does it mean? No swearing? Wearing full make up every day? Wearing heels? No dramas? I hope I'm wrong, but beware...

I also don't get paragraph breaks on the mobile, so sorry this is all in a big block. I sound like one of those "I can't see likes" guys now 🤣

@WeWantTheFinestWines, lol

@DustyMuse, welcome to our merry gang. I was so nervous at the outset but over the last few months I gained more confidence in my ability spot the amber/red flags, it has also helped me to refine what I am looking for (rather than trying to get dates to like me). It takes time as it's a new experiences but it gets easier.

@WeWantTheFinestWines, just seen your post on questions. I recall some training on rapport building and the approach was ask a question but also give info on yourself..something like "I'm a trapeze artist which I love, what do you do?"

Good point @Techway. Give them something to work with. Although, if they read my profile there would be stuff there they could use. Or, in my example, all he had to do was say What do you do to unwind?

Being a trapeze artist would be really cool.

Glad I didn't have dates arranged as the weather is awful and I have a cold, it is only a cold but in these strange times I checking my symptoms regularly. Not sure what to do with some of the conversations as they are left hanging but I'm not up for chats. Today I have been messaged by 2 men and immediately asked if I want to talk on the phone. I agree it's worth talking early but that seems way too quick. Do you have any timeframe for going from message to phone? For me it is probably at least 3-4 days of messaging which allows time to determine basic compatible.

@DustyMuse hello :). What do you think the differences between English and French men are? We have another poster on-thread who lives in France.

@Techway I think you're right about phoning someone you've only just matched with being too soon. I try and put off speaking on the phone as long as I can but I do have a long-standing hatred of the phone.

@WeWantTheFinestWines being a trapeze artist would indeed be cool. One of ds's friend's mums is a stunt woman - imagine being a child and telling people your mother did that! Your street cred would be sky high!

I'm watching Dirty Dancing for the millionth time. That scene where Baby and Johnny get together in his room still makes my stomach flip

Somewhere up thread someone made a comment about men over 50 looking better in person, which I’ve come to realise is true. I was on a Skype call with an old friend and colleague the other day and years ago he had women swooning. Over 10 years later, he still looks good in person but the screen was really not flattering and I found myself thinking that even if he was on an OLD site I would probably swipe left based on the picture. Interesting.

GreyAndRare123 and Techway thank you so much for your warm welcome! I completely agree about sniffing out the amber flags and remaining on my guard. After my husband left me in 2015 I started OLD a year later and, boy, what a steep learning curve that was. I've finally understood that I have the right to expect decent behaviour and kindness and that, like everybody else, I'm worth it! To be honest he sent me a message this evening to see if we could chat but I was on the phone talking to a friend. I'm not that bothered if we speak or not although I felt a bit excited this morning before he came up with his 'feminine and not overweight' comment. I've had a busy day working and I just want to be quiet and enjoy the evening.

Hello Fiftyandmore! French men are game players. I'm half French and have been living here for 22 years; my ex husband is French. They flirt so much more readily than British men. It's their art de vivre. My boss, when I started working last year, would answer my call and say 'Bonjour la belle anglaise!', etc. But he's married. And that's another thing. Having a mistress is standard practice for so many married men. One keeps the family home together and appearances up but enjoys a liaison.

I do apologise for making such sweeping generalisations but there's a lot of truth in them.