Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

Maybe (clutching at straws) he's saying he's not the dictatorial type ?

Exactly @TiggerDater - it's got to be interest that is reciprocated in the same way irrespective of who started it. Ultimately we should not be so afraid of outcomes at this stage. It's words on a screen with internet strangers you will be unlikely to ever meet (*), so it ought not to be a big deal who messages. Anyway imagine the bragging rights if you do hit it off and end up in a big relationship with someone - you can always say 'if it wasn't for me ... you'd not have me!'

(*) I'm basing this on my online dating experience where maybe 1 in 20 conversations might be interesting and go somewhere.

This is completely unrelated to OLD but I just want to share! Last night I finished reading the first book that has genuinely properly moved me to tears. Like loud ugly unstoppable tears which took me unawares and came on suddenly. It's about a school siege so a very emotive subject. So powerful.

Not sure it's all that unrelated @Fiftyandmore ! Scrolling through unsuitable men, looking ahead to years of Deans or dying alone... it's enough to bring me to tears sometimes!

If you want to cry tears of laughter, the Elton John book is a good bet.

Was it ‘We Need to Talk about Kevin’? An amazing book.

@TiggerDatter no it's called Three Hours by Rosamund Lupton.

I thought I would try messaging first, 3 sent and zero replies. So my success rate is pretty poor 😂
Can I ask what apps people like best?

@coronade - I am a newbie and on bumble and tinder. I very quickly run out of options on bumble - nothing left to swipe , and I even managed that on tinder ! My app got stuck on tinder yesterday and I couldn’t clear a pic of someone so I kept trying to swipe, didn’t work properly but it had in fact swiped on a few , who then matched me and I thought yikes, unmatched them quickly. I’m 51 and get even up to 75 coming up as possibles. I’m sure I put my limit as 60. The 75 year olds would be perfect for my mum !

@ GaraMedouar
It’s so depressing isn’t it. I get loads of young ones too and so many men seem to have really young children too. I’ve dried up on POF, might try Tinder next then.

Maybe (clutching at straws) he's saying he's not the dictatorial type ?

Ha, I think he had at least 20 exclamation marks to make the point.

Thank you fiftyandmore, ordered the book. I enjoyed "Where the Crawdads sing" if you haven't read that.

Ooh - maybe I’ll try POF then too - I must admit I look for men who do have children (not too young), so they have some concept of the ties , given that I have DD 9 with me 24/7 I can’t see that any young, free and single 50 year old - who is semi-retired and loves holidays - would suit as I just don’t have the freedom to come and go as I please.

@Techway you're welcome :).

My friend (the one who has at least one date most weeks) is continuing to be successful, She has two irons she's chatting to - she met one of them today and he wants to meet her again, and she's planning to meet the other in the next few days. I don't know how she does it!

Sorry @Techway, meant to thank you for the Crawdads recommendation too :)

@Fiftyandmore I think your friend should run a webinar. Unless she has no filter and will engage with anyone (which I think you've said is not the case), I am very impressed with her success rate. I know it's not about quantity, but quality, but the bigger the quantity, the more chance of coming across the quality, surely. I am thoroughly uninterested in any of the irons I am chatting to half-heartedly. There was a promising one who was quick to message when we matched, but he's failed the three questions test (if I've asked you three and you haven't even asked me one, I'm out). So back to nothing, zilch, nada.

@Fiftyandmore, I wonder if area is a factor as I could have dates most weeks, would have been 3 this week but nos3 rearranged. I also discount alot who message so they need "something" for me to engage. A message such as "want to chat?" doesn't do it for me. I had a good rapport with a man, similar age but then he said he had a very young child. It is not the age so much as Dads often have lots of free time but it's the whole emotional toll that goes with it. I sent a nice message but he didn't react that well. I have several iron but none I feel keen to pursue which could just be lockdown fatigue but I am also manic at work so it is taking a very backseat.

@WeWantTheFinestWines "the bigger the quantity, the more chance of coming across the quality, surely"

I thought this after being broken up with by a quality woman last year and went on loads of dates in search of the same quality a few months later. Prior to that I'd only swiped on those that I found really attractive (for whatever - pics; profile blurb). To be honest in that time I was living my life at 100mph, determined not to let the grief bring me down, but the dating was dispiriting because I was giving everyone a chance and not really filtering for what I wanted (thinking someone would just jump out at me!) and at the same time still being rejected at every turn.

I've just joined the ranks of Facebook Dating after reading about it in another thread here. Much as I dislike Facebook in general for the way the platform "newsfeed" has/is been/being manipulated and polluted with utter crap, I think it might actually be a good vehicle for dating as it takes into account your membership of groups and mutual friends - so gives you a social overlap with potential dates.

Hairy how do you join Facebook dating?

I'm on the 40s dating thread but lurk on here too, as of last week I'm 51 so technically I should be on here!

They're mere kids on that thread @VivaVegas FB dating is only on mobile devices - there's a little menu with three horizontal lines that brings up all FB other stuff (like marketplace etc). and within that is a Dating icon. Click on that and you start setting up your profile. It's completely separate to your FB profile but for convenience you can use photos you've already published on there.

I would love to date an older woman :)

@HairyArsedMan so presumably your FB friends can't see your dating profile, because frankly that's none of their business...?

And I love the notion of a quality woman. It sounds like a perfectly ripe peach or delicious wine. My reaction to being dumped by a quality man has been to disregard almost everyone else, sometimes for being bitter, sometimes for being covered in tattoos, but mostly for not being him. Thus few messages and one date in three months. Well, two, with the same man.

I’ve met some interesting men on Facebook Marketplace, let alone Facebook Dating 😂

Well I think we all sound quality on the thread

The Facebook dating thing makes sense re memberships / interests and links etc but I too, hope that f/b friends can’t see my dating profile..don’t that I have set one up I add.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I like your three questions test. Can I ask do you ask any particular type questions or is it just if they don’t ask you a question after you asking you three. (And how rude of them too! )

@WeWantTheFinestWines It's totally distinct from your Facebook profile, contacts and messaging. It has an option (when you set up, and after that within the settings on the Dating platform) to decide whether to show shared FB connections between you and any given profile.

Meeting someone with quality sets the bar high for the next relationship that's for sure. It's an odd state to be in. I was discussing this with a friend. I said I was in a kind of limbo where I "knew" dates were not right for me, but couldn't say there was anything "wrong" with them, while at the same time experiencing no pangs for previous relationships whatsoever.

I'm an introvert and observant. Prefer to see how people are rather than how they say they are. I have to try really hard to ask someone lots of questions - may I contend that not asking them doesn't always imply lack of curiosity; I feel respectful of their privacy and rights to inner thoughts. Establishing common fertile ground for conversation is the key for me.

I should imagine that people on Facebook dating are also on various other sites too. Are you finding that @HairyArsedMan?

@HairyArsedMan I get the being respectful of people's privacy. I sometimes think I go too far the other way - I love finding out about people. But I know that often, where I consider myself to be interested in people, it can (and has I think) be seen as me being nosy. And I suppose if you were having a conversation with someone in rl it wouldn't necessarily consist of each of you asking questions in turn, the conversation would develop naturally. But when you're doing this online, and trying to get a feel for people, you need some indication that they're interested.

My rl friend is actually quite particular, but not about the things I would necessarily be particularly about. She sets a lot of store for example by the way her matches write their messages. She finds good communication very appealing - which, to me, makes it even more amazing how many dates she has! She prefers conventional suited types, and as she is quite tall herself, likes her dates to be taller than her. Elite is probably the best site for the type of men she likes - not that I have first hand experience of it.

I rarely use FB but from what I read here that's not necessarily an issue? Heartily fed up of POF now, and starting to feel similarly towards Tinder!

Not using FB is not necessarily an issue of using FB to date is what I meant?