Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

My first date is over. Very nice bloke but no chemistry and he would probably be sued under the trade description act for his profile details. No physical attraction what so ever. Oh well at least I’ve got the first one done and had a fun week of texting. I’ve learnt loads as well, I won’t get so caught up in the messaging next time and will listen to my instincts more. I won’t be so nervous either. Back to try and find someone who doesn’t look like a potato and/or just want sex. Don’t actually feel as disappointed as I thought I would.

@HairyArsedMan I know what you mean about show ponies. I had two dates with the same man. In the first one he made me laugh so much my stomach hurt. Next time he was very quiet and the conversation didn't flow as well. Fun evening as date one was, I would rather have had a true picture of who he really was; unless alternating between the two was who he really was, which would have been a nightmare! I have decided that a date is not about showing the man how excellent I am - it's about me figuring out whether I'm interested in him. If I shift the focus to not worrying what he thinks about me, I can relax and just think about whether I'm enjoying his company.

@coronade You've broken the back of it now! A mediocre date is probably the best way to start OLD. Nothing horrible to scare you off and nothing exciting to raise your hopes too much.

@Reeeallyoldbird I can't pretend that looks mean nothing, but if they don't look hideous and I really like what they've written I will definitely swipe right. Equally, they can be as handsome as they like; if they write nothing I cannot summon up the energy to care and will swipe left.

@coronade, oh was that your first ever OLD date? Mediocre is good and the old adage advice is true- don' t invest in someone you don't know and don't spend weeks messaging and try and meet in around a week

@WeWantTheFinestWines, wish I could have a date where I laughed so much my stomach hurt!

@redfox that's why I accepted a second date even though I didn't fancy him! I thought if he could make me laugh that much I should really try to fancy him as he was such good company. Didn't work out...

Oh shame but at least you tried. But yes I do think it is worth meeting up for second date if there was some good conversation and they appeared pleasant (awful word I know) and even if there was no 'spark' I do find this spark thing a bit of a myth, and this elusive something is apparently meant to reveal clearly within minutes of meeting a stranger whether or not they have the potential to be the love of your life. People grow on me and vice versa and I know I can come across fairly reserved, when I am not really, but it does takes me a few dates to loosen up and relax.

I have had a couple of first dates and no second because of a lack of common ground/ communication. I had someone bark at me .. 'Tell me all about yourself then ' which automatically makes me clam up.

However, I agree with you in deciding if I am interested in the man rather than getting him to see how great I am.

Evening - I feel like such a newbie and despondent before even starting! I am 51 but I have a young child (9) , who never stays overnight at her dads so I have no idea if it’s all too much - trying to organise a date.

I have matched a few, and had some boring texts. I had a first phone call which was so scary, but I had a glass of wine for some Dutch courage. We chatted for an hour , all very easy and pleasant. But because of lockdown can’t really have a date. And I’ve not heard anything from him since (was nearly a week ago).

Then I had a flurry of messages with another chap, who was really full on , saying how stunning and attractive I was , lots of xxx’s on the messages etc. Then when I said can’t meet at the mo, he just seemed to turn on me, said I was a sheep for following govt rules, that I was attention seeking and just trying to boost my ego (not true at all) , oh he also said that he tested positive for Covid 5 days ago!
He then actually counted down on the messages - so did 10, 9 down to 1, one after the other. Then deleted the match completely. It was bizarre.
I told my friend , and she said there are lots like that on tinder and I have to toughen up. I’m going to really struggle - I’m a real people pleaser.
Not sure whether to just delete the apps til after lockdown.

By the way, I know I’m not stunning and attractive - - just a very normal 51 woman with normal day to day pics up.

Hi all, been lurking with interest and empathy! @Fiftyandmore, yes, tired and pissed off by men who say...anything you want to know just ask, with or without the also misogynistic "no drama." Who knew there were so many men devoid of personality who think that the little ladies will be queuing up to find out more about them. Sadly I am fairly convinced that the articulate, educated, successful men are married (and having affairs). They don't give up the home and social status so easily.

Well I messaged the intelligent, widowed, man - and found out that his wife has only passed away in the last few weeks. I told him I thought it was a bit soon for him to be on a dating site, that from what he said he wanted to replace his wife without going through a grief cycle. I advised him to try and build a life as a platform to launch himself from. I don't think I will see him but I said I'd be willing to carry on messaging him - I have got into a lot of trouble being compassionate with people in the past so I'm wary about making that mistake again. Ho hum, back to the drawing board.

@GaraMedouar welcome to OLD. Sorry, it's been a rotten start. You would do well to read these rules which I've nicked from @dancerinthemoonlight on another thread.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

@Dragonsbe you may have a point about the good ones. If they're good they're not available? But: we're good ones and we're available, so I immediately refute your assertion

@Reeeallyoldbird probably wise to be wary of someone so recently widowed. Kind to offer him support but be very careful of getting sucked into someone else's shit as it could drain you emotionally and that's not why you are OLDing! Keep your eyes on prize.

@WeWantTheFinestWines oh yes. The reason for my 20 year relationship encapsulated in what you just said!

Thanks @WeWantTheFinestWines - I will take on board! Definitely need a thicker skin. I’m sure it will get easier.

@Reeeallyoldbird I think quite a lot of people on dating sites aren't really ready to move on and have a relationship. They might feel lonely or down and go online to chat for companionship etc. Sometimes they don't realise they are not ready for a relationship until they actually date.

I must admit I've been there myself.

Wouldn’t keep in touch with him though, Reeeallyoldbird! Not good use of your time/energy!

Can I ask the ladies among us, do you message men first or do you wait to be messaged?
For any men on the thread, do you like it if women message you first?

I’ve done 50/50 I think. Some matches have just sat there and I must admit I do think why have you not messaged me. I do start off with a fairly banal greeting I suppose. Just to get things started.

"@Dragonsbe you may have a point about the good ones. If they're good they're not available? But: we're good ones and we're available, so I immediately refute your assertion"

I think men tend to go for a wider age range so generally there are less decent men around our age and why there are more quality women available...like us
I know someone who is in his late 50s and his partner is in her 30s, his previous partner was in her 40s and his marriage was to a woman slightly older. So every change of relationship the women have got a decade younger. He couldn't imagine himself with someone our age..because he has a higher view of himself and a lower view of women our age. This isn't uncommon if you look at MN.

Also someone who I know (friend of Ex) was on dating sites very recently and because he looks presentable, he was inundated with dates. He had 2 women at the same time, despite telling both he was exclusive, settled with one woman despite preferring the other, because she was more local. I so wish she was on MN so I could warn her. I keep this in mind when someone too good to be true appears. My Friday date has cancelled, plausible reason but actually felt some relief so that is telling.

@coronade, I have done so once as I wanted to acknowledge his profile which he put effort into. Messaged a few times but it didn't go anyway. I still think men prefer to "chase" despite the ego boost of being messaged.

I think you've stretched the definition of good ones there @Techway !

@coronade Absolutely fine to be messaged though would say when I was on Match I did the bulk of the initial messaging. I sit in the camp of would rather know whether someone was interested or not as soon as possible if I feel like I'm interested in them. Likewise, I would always reply to someone that messaged me even if I wasn't interested.

I think what you have to be mindful of when messaging someone is that you're showing your interest quite strongly and this leaves you a bit vulnerable to the opportunistic sorts. Sites like Match offer the option to like someone's profile ahead of messaging and sometimes this is a good idea because the sites have enormous numbers of people on them and they may not have come across your profile. Liking their profile and then waiting for them to follow up on that with a decent introductory message will maybe pick out those genuinely interested and save you a bit of writing time ...

On Tinder I sometimes used to message instantly if there was a match because it seemed a bit silly not to (a match is an indication of mutual interest after all) - or I would unmatch having instantly got cold feet. My first message in the end was always 'hey there, how lovely to match with you'. I often but not always got a reply, of hugely varying quality of course. Other times I would wait to see if they messaged first. It depended how i felt. I don't think it makes any difference at all who messages first. What matters is how/whether the conversation takes off.

I'm still in a quandary about messaging first. Sometimes I think "why not", other times I think no, if they're interested they'll message. Which is very unfair because often, even when I'm interested, I don't message! Makes no sense I know! I do find it odd when there a match but no moves are made by either side!

I have absolutely nothing on the burners, back ones or otherwise! Mr Gardener has disappeared, and I sent Terry a message on Sunday telling him what a lovely man he was but ... He sent such a nice reply, I so wish I could find a spark.

Actually, I do have a couple of convos going but neither of them are viable prospects I don't think. Is it just me things have gone quiet for?!

I have often messaged first although two of the men I dated in my 40s messaged me first. I just think I may as well in case I don't show up in a search or they don't see me on the site.

@Fiftyandmore -sorry about Mr Gardener. Has he not answered your last message?

Someone I was messaging a while ago got in touch recently. There's always an excuse for not meeting up and we can't now anyway. Nice enough guy but I think he's been very hurt and wants a text buddy distraction. He'll have to find someone else. Nil points from me 😀

I have a few matches but am also in that weird situation of neither party making the first move. I'm not really feeling it... Maybe I should stop bothering and pick it up again in the new year.

@hotchocolatey it's strange how often people from a while ago surface again isn't it?! I'm slightly disappointed about Mr gardener - we haven't been in touch since Saturday - but only slightly.

I'm wondering the same thing @WeWantTheFinestWines - but I'll have had another birthday by then and will be even older!

@WeWantTheFinestWines, I'm wondering the same. My Friday date says he has to work but I actually felt relief so that's telling.
Had a like from a man who's profile said "I want a relationship not a dictatorship!!!!"

Oh dear...does he really think that's compelling??