Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

@coronade go with the attitude of no expectations, it's just a meet up with a friend, albeit one you haven't met before. As Mr Gatwick says, don't worry about the outcome, just enjoy the journey! Good luck!

It's nice to read everyone's experiences.
@Techway it is disappointing but you've dodged a bullet there. No one deserves an angry man in their life.
Welcome to new people on the thread.

I have nothing to report except I have accidentally matched with a 61 year old man. My age limit is usually 55. He doesn't look 61 in his photos. He wants to buy me breakfast when lockdown is lifted but we may go into Tier 2, so it may not be allowed. I can't help thinking that we are probably at very different life stages.

@Fiftyandmore I hate the 'no drama' ones too but my current pet hate is 'hate liars and cheats- so if that's you swipe left'. I almost feel like adding 'I love liars and cheats!'
Don't they realise how ridiculous it sounds?
Also 'like nights in and night out' -what other types of nights are there?

@WildestDreamsSunset I like nights in and nights out - exactly! What a moronic thing to say. And the bitter ones, oh the bitter ones... Like @Fiftyandmore, my pet hate is "no drama". All that means is "no emotions and no opinions, ok?". But there are so many others - "no liars or cheats" as @Techway says, "why swipe right if you're not going to chat", "if you're looking for a sugardaddy swipe left" "I can't see likes" "back here again" and "my children are my world". What are we meant to do with that information?!

And why are you all obsessed with fitness?!?!? Or tattoos? Or motorbikes? Why does nobody ever mention anything that demonstrates the presence of an original thought once in a while?

I'm not super active or outdoorsy but I like going for walks. That's me, not them. It seems to be so extreme out there - they either spend their life in the gym or running marathons, or they're almost exclusively chins. I think I should stay off the sites today...

"And why are you all obsessed with fitness?!?!?"

🤷‍♂️

Not obsessed but makes sense to mention it, if it's more than a bit part in your life ? This may be outing me but here's what I say on my profile in respect of this:

"It’s not about matching our interests but finding we’re on the same wavelength with honesty, communication and humour to build that essential trust. If I do have a type (I don’t think I do) it would be someone who enjoys bouncing their ideas back and forth and sees the nuances in things"

Would that get me out of jail ? I'm very wary of creating an impression that I'm 'too much' for someone.

@HairyArsedMan that's an intelligent, balanced and well written statement. That's what it should be like for all of us. I'll bet you haven't got wall-to-wall pictures of you in the gym, in a canoe, on skis, scuba diving, on a bike, running, lifting weights, etc, either. Being into keeping fit is great, but there has to be more to a person, surely... I would swipe right on you 😁

@Techway your date sounds unhinged!
I had a date with a nice guy who suggested 10.30am. He was fine but not right for me - said he was 5.9 but was 5.5 for starters. I think it’s odd suggesting a date at that time really.

It seems to be so extreme out there - they either spend their life in the gym or running marathons, or they're almost exclusively chins

I suspect that is why they are single in the first place, zero balance in their lives. I work in a very male dominated industry (and still can't find a decent man!) and those that do the extreme fitness have relationship issues as they expect their partner to fit around them. One man was telling me of his divorce and why it was unfair...he didn't realise I knew that he played golf obsessively and let his wife down repeatedly even when she had family health emergencies. She got sick of it and left. I always think of this when reading profiles.

I think I should stay off the sites today... I have days like this as well, it can be depressing looking at profiles that could be police mugshots some are actually scary.

@HairyArsedMan, no issue with your profile at all. Do you have some smiling photos? What's your view of dating, been on any recent dates?

Oh “no drama” - I be very surprised if a woman ever wrote that on her profile!!!
I’m amazed at the bitterness of some - it shines through.
I’ve had a couple of new matches - well men I haven’t swiped on but they appear!! - Mr Hit Man!!! - he seems normal - however didn’t message over the weekend but back on Monday messaging - claimed not to use the app much - he’s supposedly looking for friends so that may suit me.
If he’s married though I won’t involve myself.
Men wanting to WhatsApp who live in other countries - no point as we won’t meet.
I did speed dating many years ago but it seems to only go up to 50 now and I’m 56.

@Fiftyandmore at least we met them in real life and know whether we could bear them to lay a finger on us!
I’m feeling quite despondent about OLD today. Don’t look what’s on offer every day but had a look tonight and it’s really dispiriting. I know I’m old but l’m told I don’t look look my age and I’d like to meet someone that doesn’t look like my Dad. I’ve only been online for 3 weeks - does everyone else run out of enthusiasm?

@HairyArsedMan if only there were more profiles written like yours. That's a real stand out one, and I haven't seen many like it. Do you get much interest?

Good luck tomorrow @coronade. Be yourself, just consider it as meeting a friend.

@Reeeallyoldbird god yes to lack of enthusiasm at times. I'm forever oscillating between thinking "this is a waste of time/depressing/useless" to thinking "if I don't do it I'll never meet anyone". Dd gets cross at me and says it won't happen overnight and I must persevere! But it does seem to happen quickly for some people. I was moaning to my rl friend (the one who has loads of dates) about not finding anyone, and she said to put it in perspective, and to consider that if I was prepared to settle/compromise, I could be with someone tomorrow. I'm not sure it would be quite that easy, but I think there is some truth in what she says, and that made me feel a bit better. I don't know why it made me feel a bit better, but it did.

Can anyone tell me why, twice now, I've gone to reciprocate likes on Tinder, and an error message has flashed up?

What hairyarse says is true. You dont need to share interests. You need to get on!!

I was in a relationship pre covid, although we do talk sometimes but the closeness went when wr were obeying covid rules. But we could not be more different. He likes, no loves football! If i had read that on a profile it would really have put me off. We met in real life and just had a conversational chemistry right away.

All of this matching backgrounds and matching interests, never met somebody who turned out to be right for me/,( or me for them)

@coronade, easy to say but try to relax and treat it as meeting a friend. You'll know pretty quickly if there will be a 2nd date or not. I tend to keep conversation neutral, without saying much about myself as know I won't be seeing them again. They usually know if you are interested so if doesn't usually come as a surprise. Benefit of Covid is that you don't have to get close at the end, not even an air kiss. Do you know where you are meeting? Can you plan coffee, a place to sit down? I think it helps if you know the place fairly well.

PS I have a date Friday, fastest ever,chat online, move to messages, phone call in just over 24hours! I like the look of him but he might be too posh for me. He has said he really likes the sound of me and is taking himself of the site until we meet. Of course it's likely to be jinxed it as way too high expectations...on both sides.

@Techway.
Yes, just going to a localish park I know quite well. It has a cafe but not sure if it’s open at the moment.

He seems really nice and has been very good with messaging, asking questions etc have spoken on the phone a few times too. It’s the first date of any sort I’ve been on for over 28 yrs.

@WeWantTheFinestWines You forgot hiking No I don't have all those sorts of pictures - just the one of me indulging in my main sport as that's the only full length one I have.

@Fiftyandmore Precious little interest but I'm not in it for numbers. I can see from the profiles I read that I'm probably a niche proposition so I'm philosophical about it all - I'm in your boat in that I don't find many to be interested in, and won't settle either.

@Techway I have smiling photos. My thoughts on dating are very similar to @Fiftyandmore - no point in settling but got to get out there and there's no other way than online at the moment. I am very much of the 'take it slow and find out about each other' dating school of thought - I've been burned by the 'instant' attraction thing before now and don't really trust it. Recent dates ? I had a recent first date during the week before lockdown which I enjoyed but a second date seems to present a logistical challenge and the messaging has died off.

Thats a lovely profile statement @HairyArsedMan. Reassuring and balanced.
Im in the silt, rummaging around the crustations at the moment.
Roofer has disppeared.
The Tragic One has disappeared.
A sperm doner appeared out if nowhere and asked if he could "help me out'. 🤨
Got a sensible one chatting who isnt too far but his height is just 5ft 6 and even with shrinkage im taller. But he is straightfoward which is a bonus.
Deleted 2. One for going on and on about some boxer shorts he had with a lace back and then referring to me as 'smiler'. Thats even worse than babe. The other had started the pushy 'ive got no one to cuddle up to, do you want to cuddle up to me?' Nonsence.
Thats Tinder.
Fab is being more transparent. One has asked if I might be in a tesco extra in my city this week and if I was, could we cruise the isles together as a first meet. I thought that was a nice intro.
I cancelled the meeting today with my fab man as he was squeezing me in the drive thro between meetings and I said its too much. He hasnt rearranged so Ill wait and see.
Consistently more polite still on fab. Im my experience the men dont seem to be as entitled as Tinder and there is a power dynamic that they need to win a woman over rather than being pushy and sleazy. Obvs there will be some but its my best one at the mo.
@techway enjoy your date.

@HairyArsedMan I think your profile sounds great. Why do you think that you are a niche proposition? (Is your arse that hairy? )

I don't think it's that important to have all the same interests. It's more about having a similar sense of what you want and perhaps having the same sense of humour!

I think if contact stalls during lockdown then perhaps it's not meant to be. Doesn't take much to message/talk every now and again if you are interested but it does take two to make it work.

@Techway I met someone a couple of times a few months ago. We are now 'friends' on Instagram although nothing has happened beyond the coffee and walks. He also said that he was going to stop old for a while. I suspect though that he just blocked me to make it look as though he did!

Mr Gatwick has been a bit quiet over the last few days. He does tend to be though at weekends when he has his kids.

Also started chatting to Mr Golders Green (Mr GG). He wants to chat on the phone. Tricky to find a time to do that but might be able to tomorrow. I have already googled him - he has an unusual name and job so was easy to find!

Advice please - I’ve been contacted by someone whose photo doesn’t appeal but seems intelligent. At my age I can’t expect boyish good looks, I know, so should I chat and see?

@reeeallyoldbird I worked on the principle that if the photos didn’t make me want to poke my own eyes out, I would give an intelligent man a chance. They are few and far between. And men over 50 usually look better in person IME

@Reeeallyoldbird go for it! I am the same as TiggerDatter, intelligence is far more important than looks imo.

@Reeeallyoldbird
If he seems intelligent, good at messaging/good on the phone- then give him a chance. I'm doing the same but with mixed results.
Good luck !

@Daftapath my arse isn’t on display on my profile ! I suppose I say niche because I’m 50, have a young-ish child, so not as free to date as others, not that conventional (mix of working class and highly educated), not looking for a flash in the pan, deeply wary (this is probably the killer) and on the introspective reserved side, take a bit of time to open up, so I guess I may not make the best first date impression or be suited to the pace of online dating.

Wary and reserved can easily come across as uninterested - but we all need to protect ourselves as being rejected or ghosted is more bearable the less we have shared. On the other hand, if the other person comes across as not interested, we may be more likely to reject or ghost. I don't ghost, I will write a little 'not for me' message, but the principle is the same. And someone who is sparse with communication and doesn't open up a bit is more likely to get the message. But what if they were just protecting themselves in case they got the 'not for me' message? Such a difficult balance to strike. Being kind, but not too kind too soon. Being open, but not too open too soon. Being funny, but not wasting your wit on someone who's not going to appreciate it

It's a chicken and egg situation isn't it ? Someone has to go into the breach and be vulnerable for sure. It appears I've made it seem like I don't make an effort or communicate. I do because I don't see someone rejecting me as a risk - I'd rather know of ambivalence and a distinct lack of interest.

I think what lies behind it is that I don't want that first impression to be the show pony version of me. Nor do I want to be wondering if what I'm seeing is the same thing. I think an ideal dating start is when there's a mutual comfort and it's easier for both parties to get to being themselves, rather than themselves on a date worrying about outcomes.

@Reeeallyoldbird - Yes have a chat -what have you got to lose? If someone is intelligent and can string a sentence together then it does not matter what they look like ( well for me anyway, unless personal hygiene is poor)