Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

I'm so confused about Fab. What I'm hearing it's that on the site full of swingers and dick pics the men are polite and chatty and are happy to meet for coffee. I am absolutely not interested in FWB or NSA - I want a relationship. So it seems that a site called Fabswingers is unlikely to be the right place for me, right? Or is it a bit like Tinder, which I used to think was just for hookups but isn't really like that at all?

WeWantTheFinestWines,...fabswingers, I am with you on this, the end goal is sex not a relationship?
GreyandRare, even when I have met someone indoors in normal times I have to sit opposite them so I can check them out. This is only one reason I would not meet someone for a walk, even if I had the offer. Mine would have to be called a ' standing face to face date'
Mr Scotsman who I am now calling Mr Fashionista is asking for a

'face time' call. Perish the thought...although I am happy to chat on the phone.

I was curious about a similar friends with benefits site @WeWantTheFinestWines, thinking my parenting situation meant this kind of relationship might be the only practical one I could entertain. Well, I tried it and left almost immediately after clicking on the ‘interests’ filter. There was no friends element to it whatsoever, it was tailored towards people shopping for their particular kinks and tastes. It wasn’t for me.

It is confusing re Fabswingers, I’m still confused as to how my relationship happened! I guess it demonstrates the time-old adage that you can meet someone when you’re not looking for a relationship and in the most unlikely place possible - it’s both parties being open to possibilities that is key.

Date update, first impression really favourable and I thought it would be 2nd date territory..we chatted easily, loads in common but it went downhill when over coffee he changed tone and decided to tell me that he thought I wasn't single and must be in a relationship. It wasn't said in a friendly flirty way but his assessment, like he had caught me out and he was definitely right. I was so shocked as tried to say I was single (which is 100% true). It was uncomfortable and awkward so didn't really recover. At the end I said I wished he had communicated his suspicions before meeting (as he said he thought it from the outset) as we could have cleared it up. He then said "guess you won't let this drop but the ball is in your court if you want to meet again". At no stage did he say something softer and there were flashes of anger in him so I have decided to send a nice message saying thanks but no thanks. Disappointed as he was attractive but my instinct is kicking in big time.

Bloody hell @Techway he sounds a bit unhinged! Why had he concluded you weren’t single??

Thank you @Greyandrare123 for your lovely words.

@Techway that's really odd behaviour! Why did he think you weren't single? And, if he genuinely thought that, why didn't he bring it up before you met?

@WeWantTheFinestWines it does seem counterintuitive that the men on fab should be respectful. But some of them obviously are as @TiggerDatter can vouch for! I resisted tinder for a long time but I have to say it's been the best site for me so far. Not that that's saying much!

Oh god. Just had a message saying "can you iron?" Really? That's someone's idea of a good first interaction?!

What it's wrong with men?! @Techway sounds like you swerved a psycho there. What a shame when it seemed so promising.

I had suggested an early meet because the park gets very busy in good weather but said that since he was travelling he could choose time. He agreed morning, but had said in a message are you sure you are single.. I often get that but in a complimentary way, "how can you be single?" I had answered but didn't think much of it.
So over coffee he decided to tell me that an early meet meant I was in a relationship and was telling my husband/partner that I was nipping out for exercise or shops..he kept saying loudly "Who meets at 10:30am for a date, unless they are hiding something??" . It was bizarre and very uncomfortable. There were also a few other points that raised red flags so I think I will rename him Mr Angry and move on quickly. I am disappointed as he was attractive.

My Sunday date has just suggested a 10:30am meet, spontaneously so obviously in another relationship!

@Fiftyandmore, are you serious??? Wtf??

@Techway what a strange assumption he made. Maybe he's been cheated on in the past by someone who "nipped to the shops". No excuse to accuse anyone else of doing so though.

Yes, completely serious about the ironing comment. But I've just had worse. A message (different man) listing what type of woman he likes. One of his requirements is that they not be too shy to break wind, and asking how I feel about that. I'm tempted to reply that usually I at least like to know the name of people I intend to pass wind in front of. But that'll probably encourage him 😬

@Fiftyandmore, it is not the assumption, even if that is odd but how he handled it and his anger which is obviously just beneath the surface. We share so many common experiences that it is a shame but he told me he had a very difficult childhood so I think unresolved issues. Ex was the same and I naively over looked it, hoping love could heal but that isn't reality sadly.

Ewww, @Techway sounds like a very lucky escape! How weird.

@Fiftyandmore do you think he was trying to be funny with the ironing comment? Oh god, the breaking wind requirement!

Hi can I join the thread? I’ve read all through and feel like I know you all. I find myself single at the age of 65 after separating from my husband after a 20 year relationship. I was jogging along just fine on my own then met someone IRL and, long story short, it seems he was with someone but lying about it. So I got angry and joined Ourtime dating site. You guys think it’s a problem that older men are going for you? Try the 75 year olds contacting me 😬!! I’ve been on 3 weeks, messaged a couple, had rejections, done some ignoring. Had a telephone conversation with one very pleasant man but no spark. Only carrying on because I paid for 3 months!

@Reeeallyoldbird - Hello, it's nice that you can join us. I think online dating issues can happen to people of all ages.

@Techway If he has assumed you are not single what does that say about him! Maybe he's dated married women before? Lucky escape.

Hi, just catching up with you all.

@Techway whether or not he had suspicions or whatever there is a way to communicate them and getting angry definitely isn't it!! A bullet dodged I think but it us so disappointing when you find them attractive and seem to get on well. I know only too well how hard it is to find that connection but if that is his default communication method then it doesn't bode well for a relationship unfortunately.

@Fiftyandmore the breaking wind requirement is just plain bloody weird. Even if you thought it, why would you tell someone that?!! Jeez, why do there have to be so many odd people out there. I don't break wind in front of my best friend of 30+ years. Thats just me. As for the ironing comment I would just reply with "no". Again, no effort put into the opening message so why bother?

Things are going well with my current iron. I need to think of a name for him. He's lovely but real life is tricky at the moment. All is fab when we are in our bubble, just the two of us, but unfortunately he has only recently separated so life has its dramas for him which I'm struggling with.

Hello, can I join? You all sound great and very witty, I have just turned 53 and I have been doing OLD on and off since Jan 2018 after coming out of a long term relationship. I naively thought I would just meet someone and we would be happy after ever. Ha ha ha!

People say ‘go and have some fun, do online dating’ like a queue of men are waiting. I refuse to lie about my age and like most have said on here, I am in good nick and would like to date someone roughly around my age bracket however, it seems most men are looking for younger women.

I used Guardian Soulmates in the past and had 2 relationships- one around 8 months that fizzled out but we are still friends and one that was more of a long fling and I ended up fairly hurt.

Anyone had the delight where you meet up with someone and they don’t look like their photos? And what did you do? In August I met someone on Bumble and we went for a drink and he looked more like his older, fatter and greyer cousin than the 2 photos on his profile. I did not even realise it was him when he came over to my car and of course, I hid my shock and did the British thing and ignored it and went for a drink . He asked me one single solitary question and there was more spark in my little toe so I left after a respectable amount of time and if there is ever a next time, I might say something.

What sites are people during? I have used Guardian & Bumble. Any recommendations? What is fabswingers? Is it just for hook ups? While I love sex, I do want a relationship too.

Are people still doing OLD during lockdown? I don't fancy doing any video dates, but would like a few dates for Christmas

A potential iron asked you if you iron. Only on this thread does that make sense.

Welcome Redfox, if only there was a queue of men waiting :) Although some posters on here seem to be having quite a lot of dates I am not one of them. Too picky, too fussy is my main reason.
From my experience the same faces appear on the free sites as well as the paid. Currently I am only active and I use that term loosely on pof.
I have used Match, but found that no better or worse really.
I hope you get some Christmas dates.

Hello to @Reeeallyoldbird and @Redfox :). I love that we're attracting new posters! Reeeallyoldbird I regularly get 75+ year olds contacting me. And I'm sorry that the man in your rl relationship was lying. Out of interest - where/how did you meet? It would be so much easier to meet someone that way.

@Redfox I haven't had that experience yet but I've heard from plenty of people who have. I'd have done the same as you - ie, pretended nothing was amiss!

I can really identify with you when you say:

"I naively thought I would just meet someone and we would be happy after ever. Ha ha ha!

People say ‘go and have some fun, do online dating’ like a queue of men are waiting".

Some people make it sound so easy don't they? And for some people, it is easy! Not for me though. So I find it really comforting sharing our experiences on here. I'm currently using PoF and Tinder, but when my PoF subscription runs out later this week I'm binning it off!

@changeoflife I'm with you on the not breaking wind in front of anyone ever! Even after being with dh for 26 years I couldn't (and didn't want to) do it! I'm probably a bit repressed about all that sort of stuff but I'm too old to change now! I'm sorry real life is proving a bit tricky, but it does sound as if you have a really good thing going which is great news. And yes, we need a name for him!

Very little dating news from me after yesterday's low points! I have exchanged numbers with a younger Italian man but have heard nothing from him since doing so! I have exchanged a few messages with Mr gardener but he doesn't seem right bothered. And today I was meant to go for a walk with Terry. But I cancelled him which I feel terrible about, especially as, not only was he really nice about being cancelled, he'd made a picnic :(.

Hi @Fiftyandmore, he’s a builder who did some repair on my house. A couple of years younger than me, seemed interested, let me understand he was single. Made arrangements to go to his flat and smelt something a bit fishy when he didn’t want me to drive there. He changed plans at the last minute then ghosted me thereafter. So I came to the conclusion he must be with someone.

Welcome Reeeallyoldbird & Redfox to this merry bunch of wonderful women. I am on Match and did try OK CUPID but it felt like there were more weirdos. it could be area dependant so worth trying a few sites.

Redfox, lol, I would have been exactly the same...cringing but being very polite. However I met a man who said he had similar happen to him, woman was way larger than photos, so much so that he walked past her. He said he felt trust had been broken so there was no point going ahead and left.

Sunday date went quite well, he is a nice man, lots of hair which I like, tall, enjoys travelling and intelligent. Downsides..bad dress sense and he may like the sound of his own voice. He is keen to meet again and I've said yes but likely to be weeks away as really not keen on the walk & coffee as a 2nd date.
Another iron has appeared, Mr MAMIL, very easy flow and we may speak but I think he could be very posh and that doesn't suit me at all.

Love this, very witty A potential iron asked you if you iron. Only on this thread does that make sense

I have decided if I could mix & match, looks, character, personality from 3 or 4 of the men I have met I would have Mr Right.

I have been single for years, through choice but did assume that once I started looking I would find someone reasonably quickly...it has only been a few months but it is much more difficult than I thought. My list of requirements seems way too high but I know I can't compromise.

I'm sorry you had that experience @Reeeallyoldbird. Strangely, the man I saw last year was also a builder who had come to do work on my house! Maybe we all need to discover urgent work that needs doing and should keep getting quotes until we hit the jackpot! Can't be that much harder than OLD!

@Techway you're doing well in that all of your dates have had at least some qualities that have ticked boxes for you.

I'm amazed at the sheer number of men who say "no drama". Actually, I'm less amazed when I see it now, and more pissed off! I'm getting cynical after my 3 months of OLD and am translating "no drama" to mean "do it my way or else you're a drama queen". Not feeling the OLD love this morning!

Going on my first meet up tomorrow with Mr Cement. I’m so bloody nervous.

Any tips from the veterans among us please? Also, how do you play it if there isn’t an instant physical attraction but they seem nice? Totally overthinking the whole thing and it’s only a walk round a muddy park. 😂