Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

Morning everyone! Well Ive demolished the whole tin of M&S biscuits now..
Just had a meet cancelled for today. This is someone whom ive chatted to on the phone twice. He seems ok. No obvious red flags waving. Had a positive an mature outlook it seems. We were going to meet for a walk but he has just messaged to say he has to work today. Its plausable as he is self employed. We will see...
Roofer has disappeared completly.
Im on fab now as well. So far much more straighforward than Tinder although the sheer volume of penises is overwhelming..I have arranged to meet someone Monday at a drive through starbucks to say hello..Who knows whether he will turn up or not.
Nothing else for me.
Lovely day and Im feeling anxious about the lockdown and my illness but otherwise Im ok. Todays walk would have been a nice distraction but not meant to be.

@Greyandrare123 I'm sorry your walk was cancelled but, in all likelihood, your biscuits were probably the better option!

I need to hear all about FAB. I've considered it but I'm not brave enough. Are there many people on there? What sort of pictures of yourself did you post? What did you say?!

Sorry @Greyandrare123 I also meant to say I'm sorry you're feeling anxious about your illness. Would it help you to tell us more about it?

I used Fabswingers but I didn't put a picture on there - no way I was going to be identified by anyone! Single women don't need pictures, they're in very short supply on Fab. I can't remember what, if anything, I said in my profile I'm afraid. It was an incredible fluke that I fished out my current 'boyfriend' from Fab as I was only on there 20 minutes before I somehow got locked out. In that time I was deluged with messages but the quality of his messages stood out for being open, immediate and just kind of sweet. I don't know what it's like to have a full profile and to use it regularly, sorry.

Thanks for that @TiggerDatter. Why did you decide to try fab? It worked out wonderfully for you which is lovely. But like you say, maybe that was luck/timing etc.

I've decided to put dating on hold till after lockdown.

Great thread though and lovely to hear about the positive dating stories.

@hotchocolatey are you ok? Don't leave us! You don't have to be dating to be on thread.

I'm OK thanks. I just don't think it is going to be easy to find someone who lives close by to have a socially distanced walk with. It was much easier to have a coffee or a drink with someone.

I will keep reading the thread and commenting. I love hearing all your updates.

Hotchocolatey, that made me smile because basically lockdown has put your dating on hold :)
Like you I enjoy reading other peoples tales as I have none myself :)
To be honest I could probably have a couple of dates a week if I was not fussy. I wish I could post the pictures of the potato lookalike men who message me.
Greyandrare, I cannot keep up with your dating adventures, it sounds like a full time job, at least you had the biscuits to keep your energy up.
FabSwingers, I am in awe or speechless. Personally I do not want to see a load of strangers dangly bits :)

@hotchocolatey, glad you are staying with us..I have suspended my account, again! Just need a break from it and I'm not sure how the date on the weekend will go as I think it is much harder to relax and have fun on a walk. Also I hate being cold so will be wrapped up like an Eskimo 😃

I realised I have only had one 2nd date, and that was with someone who has become a friend and that's after quite signifcant screening. It is pretty low hit rate.

I also love hearing the updates.

@fiftyandmore thank you. Its a progressive neurological illness with no cure but can be managed well for a long period.. At the moment I am well..
Ive had a very good online experience with FAB.. Compared to Tinder which has been sleazy, manipulative and just plain frustrating, FAB is like a breath of fresh air. You already know the topic may be sex and they are only wanting a FWB but its all v straightforward and I have found, more respectable than Tinder.
I have a couple of pics neck down in a bikini and no face. There are some really graphic pics on there but once you get over that, its pretty solid.
What is it with men who only talk, dont ask? Ive struck up a dialogue with a man from Tinder who has videoed himself walking to the shop. He has shown me his pottery. He has yet to ask a single question..That is so common for me. I find these men who want to tell, tell, tell and almost show off but never ask. It would be amazing to find one who actually aks me a question. Does anyone have the same problem?

@Greyandrare123, I hope you continue to be well.

Yes, videoing walk to shop is very weird. I did have one man who was on transmit only. I think they maybe on OLD too long and forgotten normal life skills. Conversely I had one who fired questions at me none stop which felt like an interrogation. He had been on OLD for a long time and was keen to have a relationship so his questions felt like I was being assessed. He obviously knew what he wanted but in his desperation had lost the art of conversation.

I think online has it's limitations as it creates an poorer dynamic for communication. In RL you can sense or pick up on nuances which isn't there online.

He could also just be very self obsessed...which is likely 😃

@Fiftyandmore I had been seeing a man from Tinder during 2018 (not exclusively) and things became more intense at Christmas so I binned everyone else off and was dating only him. He ran into health problems in late January 2019 and made it clear he wanted to tackle them on his own though we stayed in touch (we still do actually, he’s so funny!) I felt a bit sad and just went on Fabswingers out of curiosity as it was all the rage at the time on the main OLD thread. I think most people on that thread would echo @Greyandrare123 that communication is more open and respectful on Fabswingers. The pictures of penises are pretty funny, men really do seem to love their own body parts 😂

Really strange isn’t it how most women are so private about their lady bits whereas men think they are great and are proud to show them off. Maybe it’s because they are swinging around on the outside, always repositioning them and they are used to other men seeing them when they go to the loo. Can’t imagine many women would want to use an open plan toilets with no cubicles 😂

@Greyandrare123 I hope you continue to feel better and that your disease progression is very slow.

I agree that it's very one-sided when nobody asks you anything - on the other hand, I don't feel like answering really vague questions like "how are you today?" or "what did you get up to today?" so would rather find out about them then spend time wittering on about my day to someone I may never speak to again. I don't really like sharing too much unless I know there's a connection. My successful OLDs were immediately chatty and quickly led to dates and then longer term stuff. If they are not immediately chatty - about themselves as well as asking interesting questions of me and commenting on my answers - then I don't really want to tell them how old my DC are... It's a fine balance.

I was chatting about this with a friend and she commented that she wasn't asked any questions by a chap that messaged her. And as I met her through online dating, I said 'well I think we had a great conversation but I don't recall either of us explicitly asking questions'. Then she said, no this is different - he's just rattling on about himself whereas you talked about things that we had in common rather than about yourself.

The conversation just has to flow, and it's really solid gold when that happens - it's as rare for me as it is for some of you that post on this thread.

I think it's an insecure and anxious thing that leads to this peacocking style of approach - online dating is fast and furious, we (blokes) know that women online are being inundated with messages (at least that's what every woman I've ever dated has said to me) and we think we've got to make an impression and get all of ourselves across and on display in the brief window of opportunity we're afforded.

When of course what really floats our boats is someone NOT trying to impress or overwhelm us, but just being present and consistent in their communication, finding a flow and things in common, and making it fun and interesting for both parties. That balance between a lecture and the third degree... I always think about how I would chat to a friend - a bit about me, a bit about them, something random, a laugh...

Yes, totally agree. I was chatting on Whatsapp to a guy I'd met on a paying site a few years ago. He was asking me what had happened with my ex and what he had said. It was far too much too soon. A bit like the Spanish Inquisition lol (always look on the bright side of life).

Then on the other end of the spectrum I was on a date listening to someone going on about themselves and their friends.

A good conversational balance with a few non probing questions is needed.

@Greyandrare123 good to hear you are well at the moment

A lot of men are self obsessed and want to talk about themselves, been there on dates. I've been known to come away thinking ' he does not know anything more about me than before' And they say women can talk.
I have also had the interrogation phone calls and dates, if another person asks me 'what I am looking for.'.....

If older men are on fab swinger I have to wonder how well their penis's 'stand up' to scrutiny so to speak? :)

I don't think it's always about being asked questions. More conversation flow and wanting someone to put as much effort in to communicating as I do.

It is good to think that whoever I am speaking to (text/phone/face to face) is finding out as much about me as I am about them.

On another note, how long do you all tend to leave it to delete, after a message has been ignored? Ive exchanged a few messages with someone who volunteered info about himself and asked me a few things so it did feel as though the conversation flowed. Haven't heard from him now for about 24hrs. I figure lots of us are busy so that can easily go by but I will delete tomorrow.

@Greyandrare123 I'm glad you're well at the moment, long may it last. You have such a positive approach to life and I really admire that. That takes strength and determination and, as I've said before, you are an inspiration. My dh had a similar attitude - he was the only person I knew who truly counted his blessings and who cherished every minute of every day.

It's interesting what you and @TiggerDatter say about Fabswingers. I'm tempted but I don't think any pics of my body would invoke much interest!

There are so many men who don't seem to know how to ask questions or know how to conduct a conversation! I've had the same experience that lots of us have had where it's all very one sided. I do wonder why they bother making contact at all if they don't want to progress the contact in any way, or get to know me better. Having said that, Mr Gardener wasn't great over text, but he was much better in person - interesting and interested.

I'm back to feeling a bit despondent today. Was meant to meet Mr Gardener for a second time last night but of course that couldn't happen. He has said the right things like how disappointed he was and could we keep talking until another opportunity arises but I don't know. He doesn't message very frequently, perhaps a couple of times a day, and some days not at all so I can't tell how interested he is. I guess all I can do is wait and see how it pans out. I have two or three other conversations on the go - they all seem like nice men but nice is as good as it gets!

@fiftyandmore your body pics will have you innundated. Ive had a good look around Fab at loads of profiles of men and women and to be honest the men all look similar with their penises flapping about. The women are like all of us, women. There are no bodies that are bad. I have felt much safer using fab. The men ive chatted with have all said 'lets meet for a coffee'. Not one has said 'can I come round' and none have said 'what you looking for'. Its just less sleazy. But be reassured your body will garner interest. Mine does and its v v ordinary.

@fiftyandmore just see how it goes. I know the energy needed to keep these stranger relationships ticking over is sometimes too much. Like getting blood out of a stone. If they dont text its to do with them, not you. I sometimes feel an irrational urge to grab onto that last breadcrumb then I breathe and think 'stop it' and remind myself of my worth.
Thank you for your words of kindness. Remember that being a spouse of someone who has a serious illness requires enourmous courage, patience, compassion and unreal amounts of strength and never forget that when these men are being flaky.

@Greyandrare123, what a wonderful post, I am sure fiftyandmore will appreciate it. I have some health issues which I would need to broach with a new partner and agree with your sentiment. I hope I found someone with compassion.

Appreciate your thoughts?? I have a couple of dates this weekend, dreaded SD walk and hopefully coffee. Usually I know quickly if the date is going to go anywhere but I am not sure how to handle it if we are walking. At least with a coffee I can limit it for as long as it takes to have a coffee but I am at least in the warm...What do you all say to make excuses or set expectations to leave quickly?

I think Sundays man and I will be able to chat but I found him online today (very scary how easy it is and I know I can easily be found as my name isn't that common) and his work photos suggest I'm not going to find him attractive. Saturday man, not so sure..he might be a bit odd! I am speculating however and I tend to always have pre date regrets.

@techway. You could try walking in some sort or small loop so when you are back at the start, you politely wind up the meeting and head on your way? Or if there is a cafe, get your coffee and sit on a bench. When I went for the date with the one who wouldnt come outside due to the rain, I was desperate to leave so I just kind of srode to my car and got the goodbye over with asap. I have found my walking dates ok so far..My issue is I cant turn my head that well so I have to face them to get a good look at them.
Ive got a drive thro car park date on Mon with my first Fab man. He has been nothing but polite so far. Will report back.