Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

I constantly veer between thinking I could meet someone lovely (again) and not to give up as there really is no other way of meeting people at the mo, and thinking it's a viper's nest of liars, catfish and the generally deluded out there and wondering if I'm the one who's deluded thinking I'll actually meet someone lovely again.

3 months on the apps, 2 dates (with the same man), a few chats that fizzled out or had to be terminated - it's not looking promising. And I'm a catch! We all are! Shame you we've all had to develop a thick skin and a cynical attitude to survive this beastliness 😪

We are all catches!! God knows some of the men aren't . I tried so hard to meet someone in RL but can honestly say in my 6 years of actively being open to meeting someone I have not met one single eligible man in any real life situation. Admittedly I work in a female orientated profession so that narrows down my chances but still.... not one

And @WeWantTheFinestWines its not deluded its being hopeful... and without the hope what have we got?!!

Fifyandmore I have never had a ' hello dear' message thank god, nor any rude pictures.
Most men are deluded and think they are doing us a favour by showing a morsel of interest.
I have no news as I am continuing to delete rather than read messages, such is the dire standard of men that message me.
I get much more enjoyment from reading this thread.

Thanks all - yes I think it's probably a bit early too although I really really cannot get enthused about chatting to other people (not that there ever are any FFS) when I've got one 'thing' on the go. Slim pickings indeed - absolutely.

A friend of mine commented that she thinks I'm "very good" at meeting decent people from Tinder - what she doesn't realise is that my only 'tactic' is that I just can't be doing with shit conversation or people who don't make an effort. I like people to make an effort and almost unmatched current blokey because we had a chat on WhatsApp which clearly showed we found each other amusing and interesting and yet I was quite sure he was chatting to someone else on there (taking a while to reply etc) - and I just found it too annoying. Luckily he didn't do that again

After my recent experience with the narcissistic predator (bitter much? ) I met I think it was three guys, all of whom lived very locally so not much effort required for me to meet. I had low expectations for them all as although they seemed nice, we didn't massively gel in the chats beforehand - and I was proved right when we met - just no spark on either side. I really do need someone to pique my interest with their opinions/conversation etc.

The problem on Tinder (I think) is that there are way more half decent women than there are men. I think the men that look like they might have a brain, some wit, and a job, and a decent mental outlook (that narrows it down to what, 2% of all profiles) absolutely clean up. This makes it rich pickings for those that manage to look like that, but are manipulative and able to engage in a constant cycling through women on the eternal lookout for something better.

Totally agree by the way with the consensus that it's fantastic to realise we can experience excitement again - with all that comes with it. I've spent the past 7 years focusing entirely on my DC and before that was in a horrible toxic marriage - for a long time I've felt completely disinterested in relationships.

I don't think I'm really looking to co-habit or marry someone else (although never say never..) - I'd be quite happy with weekends away, the odd holiday and a rip-roaring sex life!

I don't think I want to marry or live with anyone again either. I'm surprised how, after 26 years with dh, I very quickly got very used to not sharing my bed or bedroom.

I so wish we could all meet!

I know Fiftyandmore - we're a great bunch of sex starved middle aged women 🤣🤣 I reckon it would be a lot of fun meeting up.

I've never been married. Was with the father of my DC for 14 years, never wanted to marry him. Now I wish I had, because I can't get rid of him, 3 years after we split up. At least when you divorce, you have to sort out your finances, living arrangements, etc. This way we're stuck in a house together. But I would like to try being married, if the man was right. So I'm damn well going to keep on trying 😊

Good for you @WeWantTheFinestWines - and why not??

Like @Fiftyandmore I'm not sure I can imagine the mundanity again, with someone else... I'm also still at home with tween DC and am not sure I could ever run the risk of moving someone in whilst they're still at home. I also know I'd be very wary of sharing finances, and other romantic concerns like that! I think they would have to have their own money and property at the very least...

Sharing finances is such a scary thought to contemplate. I certainly can't imagine doing that again. Or living with someone again for that matter. When you've done it alone for so long its hard to imagine becoming a couple again. I have tween kids too. Well one fully fledged teenager and one tween and god knows what their reaction would be!! But its always been my goal.... to be in a healthy happy relationship as much for them as it is for me. I want them to experience a normal relationship so they have something to base theirs on in the future. Just can't ever see it happening!!

@moomoo1967 thanks, I decided not to reply as well. If I sent a message and got no reply I would assume no interest and move on.

Just catching up with with everyone’s stories. A friend of a friend was scammed out of thousands. She had an open Facebook book page and had posted about her mother passing away. She was vulnerable and this scammer used this info to win her over. The good scammers really do their research.

I’ve deleted my datingover50s account. You get the initial flurry of interest and lots of messages then it really slows down. I was thinking of leaving it a few weeks and then try another (maybe tinder). Has another else tried ‘site hopping’?

Yes that’s a good tip @Feelingfree, when dating it’s definitely best to lock down your social media completely in my experience.

I would really recommend Tinder, it has the most traffic and no facility to be sent revolting pictures by surprise 🤢. There are some extraordinary characters on there though eg dear Marcia with the fine legs!

Although I am maybe 10% coming round to having a man living with me again, it’s a 100% no to shared finances again ever. I’m loving my complete financial independence now. I may not have a lot, but it’s mine to do with as I choose. No chance of it being pissed away on motorbikes ever again! 😂

@Feelingfree I think Tinder is good too - well, as good as a dating site can ever be! There seem to be more men on there, and although the good ones aren't especially interested in me, at least there are good ones! Not like POF which I've found pretty dire.

Hands off Marcia @TiggerDatter, I saw him first

Hello- can I join in? I’m 51, and joined Tinder and Bumble a couple of months back but only just plucked up the courage to message. I’ve been single 4 years now, not one date in that time, partly because my youngest DD is only 9, so hard to find the opportunity to date (her dad only sees her one day a week on the weekend and no overnights). I feel so daunted , no idea what I’m doing on these sites. I’ve matched with a few, the first couple just disappeared ! One has given me his number but I’m not keen - his first message he told me how he had a mortgage free property, drive a BMW and was essentially quite well off. Posh cars do nothing for me. Been messaging another chap who seems normal , but my heart’s not overly in it.
Trouble is I swipe left on a lot as I think they wouldn’t be interested as I have a young DD and no real free time. I sometimes think I should wait til I’m 60 before I even bother trying (when DD will be 18). I do have a teenage DS at home too so he can potentially do the odd babysitting on an evening. But then I don’t really want to tell my kids that I’m going on lots of dates with randomers (if I ever do go on a date ).

I do miss male company though.

Hi @GaraMedouar. Welcome. I don't tell my kids that I am going out to meet people. It's always a female friend that I am meeting (they are happy to be a decoy!) or 'people I used to work with'. Mine are older teens and I don't think would be particularly surprised if they ever find out the truth (ie if I meet someone worth introducing them to) but probably just amused!!

With regard to Tinder, how good are the filters on there? I know my son and his friends have been on there so would be horrified if my profile ever became visible to them!

Not much action here over the weekend. Met friends on Saturday and very much overindulged . Mr Gatwick has been very chatty though and throughly amused by my dreadful hangover yesterday. Supposed to be meeting on Friday but not sure how easy it will be to work around the tier rules.

Have chatted to a couple of people but half heartedly. One has disappeared thankfully as he was older than I would choose. Another had only replied to one message but hasn't deleted the thread since Friday. I purposely didn't add a question to my second message to see if he made an effort but obviously not He will be deleted later!

It's good to read updates. Hard to respond to individuals on my phone

Hi @Daftapath - thanks for the welcome. On Tinder my age range is 45-60 so I don’t think my DS or friends would know - although there are a couple of people I know - a dad at my DD’s school keeps popping up (he’s only 1 mile from me), and my exP workmate - who I am sure has spotted me and taken great delight in telling exP , but hey ho it is what it is.
The chap who seemed pleasant hasn’t sent a text for a while now - he is around 1 hr - 90min from me though so a bit if a trek. Mr BMW has sent me his mobile number so we can message and chat . Aaargh. Scary stuff. He’s around 50min away. And then I’ve got another message from someone only 10 miles away.
I think I will probably use a girls name as my meet up date to start with at least. My kids are pretty nosy though!!!

Amusing thread - I’ve deleted Tinder for a few days as i was already demoralised - even sadder to here Tinder is the better site!!!
Lord help us all. 😀
I’ve just done an attachment quiz - I’m fearful avoidant - I do struggle with men - I had a very abusive father - this impacts me a lot - despite counselling - I backed out of a date the other week - it’s a bit painful this week as my ex husband is getting married - I know I need to take a risk - like we all do when we meet someone.
I will give Tinder another look - I think going on once a week would work ok for me - maybe look for a male friends as I’ve never had any really.
I learn a lot on here - so thanks also.

So Tinder does stock to the parameters you set? Hinge doesn't and I get so many youngsters (and oldies) coming up. I must be seen by lots of youngsters too as I get so many who like/message me.

I think if people are busy they won't be texting all day so it's fair enough. If 24hrs goes by then they are not interested, imo. Altjough having said that Mr Gatwick and I have gone quite a few days without messaging but have been talking since early summer so maybe it's different

@Whydidimarryhim tough week for you this week then. I would just be hunkering down for a few days and next week, I'm sure you will be 'onwards and upwards'. Mind you, I'd love for my XH to remarry, might make him a nicer person ... probably not!

I found Tinder does stick to the age filters, yes

I agree re. Tinder - in my experience both when living in London and now living more rurally, it has the most traffic and most of the same people are on the other free apps too. The sites etc where you have to pay are the most disappointing in my experience - and POF just doesn't have the interesting types on there to compensate for the thousands of dullards (#sorrynotsorry).

@Whydidimarryhim - I did one of those attachment quizzes the other week, after my Hideous Previous Experience... what I am finding interesting this time around is that all my 'symptoms' of being insecurely attached are mysteriously much less prevalent when I'm communicating with someone who is actually normal . I have realised I just can't tolerate inconsistency, unreliability, confusion as that triggers massive feelings of abandonment (yup, am anxious attached...).

After my last experience, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never date ever again, but my therapist insisted the answer was to keep trying, keep practising, keep learning from mistakes in terms of what my boundaries are and what I need and am looking for. I do think it's a good thing to do - I was all full of 'what is wrong with MEEEE?' after last time and already having had a more positive experience with a more normal type am feeling less as though that was about me, and far more that it was about him being an absolute wanker.

@Whydidimarryhim the friends thing worked for me! I wouldn't have right swiped on the guy I was seeing but his "just looking for friends" thing resonated and as I was literally giving up on ever meeting someone I just thought, what the hell I'll just collect male friends instead!! I think then what happened was we were both really really honest in everything we talked about, total soul baring stuff as neither of us was invested in expecting it to become a relationship so we had nothing to lose. We chatted for over a month before meeting which I NEVER do normally but because I wasn't looking at him for bf material there didn't seem much point in meeting sooner. By the time we planned to meet I knew that I liked him a lot but was still happy with having a really nice friend. I really didn't expect to fancy him in the way that I did!!

What I'm trying to say is going at it from a friends angle perhaps isn't a bad way to start off?

Just dropping by to tell you all to go and buy your hats. My first marriage proposal :). And in the first message he sent me too. I'm probably going to accept - unless his surname is something like Featherstonehaugh.

I mean it shouldn't matter that he's 72 should it? Or that he's called me "dear" (I seem to attract those). He must be trustworthy, he's given me his phone number and everything!

Well! Better and better! He doesn't have a car but it's ok - he's a successful musician and happy for me to travel to him! Byeee ladies. My search is over :)

@feelingfree I see being on different sites similar to going to a different pub, you are bound to meet different people. I am currently on Tinder, POF, Badoo, Hot or Not and Bumble oops and Wooplus we shall see, I am just bored at the moment with my daughter being back in London for Uni and having moved house in August, I don't know the neighbours yet