Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

Thank you @crimsonlake I really hope I get a happy ending too. I've lost count of the number of 1st dates I've been on. How many frog's I've kissed and how many nightmare stories I've stockpiled in the last 6 years!! I really have no idea if this time will be any different. It certainly feels different but I'm too cynical to get too carried away and ahead of myself. For now, I really like him, he really likes me and so at this stage it doesn't get better than that.

Your trip to SA sounds interesting and at least you ended up having a wonderful holiday which no doubt left you with some lovely memories.

@changeoflife, good luck, how lovely to both be smitten.

Back from my date. Definitely not a match although we happily chatted for quite a few hours. I think he is keen so not sure friends zone will work.He was late, which is a pet hate of mine as I don't think there is much excuse for it when we have mobiles and he could have phoned.

Argh, my date has messaged saying how much he enjoyed our time and how crazy my Ex must have been to lose me. I wish I could make this work with him but I really don't think so.

Damn Techway why is that always the way?! Nice man, really likes you but you can't make yourself like him the same way. You'll have to tell him - or maybe a second date just to make sure...?

@WeWantTheFinestWines, no definitely not dating territory. It sounds so harsh and unkind but he looked older and had very bad teeth which didn't show up in his photos. I would really like to like him (as we would get along well) but I just couldn't.

In the past I have done lots of 'give it a second chance dates'
In my vast experience never once has it worked out.
As soon as they have walked towards me for the second time you just know your gut instinct was right the first time. Another couple of hours wasted whilst you play the part and the letting down gently is even more difficult.

@crimsonlake, I saw him walk in and my heart sank but because we get on I knew it would be fine to chat, it wasn't at all awkward. He has asked for a 2nd date, somewhere lovely for dinner so very thoughtful but I won't accept. Will have to text sometime soon with a "sorry not right for me"

Yeah.... when you know you know. I made myself accept a second date recently and all I could think about on the way there was how I wish I was turning left to my ex's house instead of carrying on...

@crimsonlake that flight sounds truly traumatic. There is not much worse than a drunk liability in an aircraft! Well done for keeping going and actually enjoying yourself.

@techway disappointing and now you have to send the no thanks text.
So I had my date. I was pleasantry surprised when I heard him speak on the phone earlier. However when he arrived my heart sank. He reminded me of a man who worked in Ratners jewelers in the 1980's. He had really small hands. Not only that he told me he couldnt come out of the place to meet me when i got lost in the car park as it was raining. Putting that aside he was pleasant and seems decent. Not for me. He wants a 2nd date and has asked for feedback assuring me that he is virile in bed so Ive now got the ick massively.
When I got home I decided on mass to ask 2 of my irons if they would videochat. Both said ok. One was odd but ok but his wall was really weird with hanging multiple calenders on it. He seems only to watch quiz shows and nothing else. The other was quite nice. He isnt a British national but then told me he had been interviewed by MI6. Honest to god where do they find these people, Tinder?
Ive another in reserve who is ok. Not the best conversationalist but ok. And he currently is the best out of that bunch.

@changeoflife - your message has inspired me. I’m so happy for you. I have just ended a 8 year relationship that should have ended 7 years ago. I have previously posted under other threads why. The UK lockdown gave me the emotional strength that I needed - we work together and live 40 miles apart. Now we are all working from home and I chose not to see him again. Have read your messages with interest as I know 100% that my ex would have passed your first date and message tests. You would have wondered why this guy was on his own. 3 months in and you would find out ( leads a double life basically - and chooses a girlfriend wisely - she, like me will be vulnerable for some reason). He was really good at talking me round. I got sucked into something I found hard to get out of. But .... I am ok now, except I’m 8 years older. I am hoping to meet someone nice, for something light and enjoyable .... but because of the above .. the old fashioned way. So am hoping for some ideas ..... Lovely to read this thread - thank you all

I've also done many "2nd chance" dates in the hope that one might be a grower. It has never worked out that way and my initial reservations have always always been right. I've then ended up in situations where I've had to end something rather than just a courteous "not for me and good luck" text. So many men seem to think that a 2nd date equates to a full blown relationship.

If it helps I've used pretty much all the dating sites over the years. I've tried the paid sites, the free sites and I've paid for the extras on the free sites! I found that Tinder was the best site for sheer numbers and therefore choice. I frequently ran out of possibilities on Bumble. POF was full of absolutely awful men, Match no one seems to actually pay to send messages and Elite Singles was the biggest waste of money ever!! So many entitled 50+ overweight men who think it is their god given right to meet someone 10 years younger than they are and infinitely more attractive than them. Tinder for me was what is was. Some men looking for hookups but in my experience they were always honest about it and there were lots looking for an actual relationship.

Hi all, can l join this thread? Reading everyone’s experiences etc has been a relief to be honest, as l am pretty disillusioned with OLD but l have been persevering.

I am 53 years old, 2 children 17 and 21, was married for 16 years before Ex decided grass was greener elsewhere, single for 5 years before venturing onto OLD and met a guy who l was with for 10 years but l ended it last year.

Fast forward to now and the foray back into OLD but honestly, l just don’t think l can do this anymore, as much as l would love to meet someone.

Like everyone, l have a fair few stories to tell, but getting ‘catfished’ really blindsided me and made me question it all.

Anyway on that cheery note, am supposed to be meeting a guy tomorrow for coffee in London. We have been messaging since May(!) and not even spoken on the phone 🙄😳🎉 so no high hopes for that other than as a friend, which is maybe what l need more than an actual relationship?

Excuse the random 🎉 emoji 🙄 Fat fingers!

I know, the entitlement of older men! I am slim and well dressed and have looked after my health and my skin and my mindset for decades. I don't delude myself that that I look forty, but I'm in GOOD NICK for 50 and I cannot just get on board with men's entitlement to automatically date much younger women. So, not colluding in my own devaluation. I admire anybody who puts themselves through this wringer again and again. I'm so done. And happier for it. But there is still a tiny part of me that knows well it can't happen now. But maybe that's not true? maybe my energy is so much more content for not dating that it is no less likely.

@friendlymum67 omg, what happened? Can you share? Did somebody try to get money out of you? What was the purpose of catfishing you?

@OwlOne l was lucky in the sense that although l was duped into thinking this guy was interested in me and l let my guard down - albeit briefly - something didn’t feel right and long story short, l did a reverse image search on one of the photos he sent me and that’s when l discovered he wasn’t who he said he was!

I don’t know what the purpose was, tho most catfishers seem to be after money (which l would never ever part with - not got enough to part with 😬)

It still really knocked me sideways as l stupidly thought he was interested in me.

Hello all, good to see new faces (well, new names). @changeoflife thanks for sharing your story and good luck!

@Greyandrare123 you're doing so well with all your phone calls and dates. I honestly can't find many people that I want to engage with. Your date yesterday though - how to make a good impression on a first meeting by refusing to come out in the rain!

@friendlymum67 I'm sorry you got catfished, that must have been a horrible experience.

@Techway I hate that heart sinking feeling - it's all I seem to be getting on dates these days! And it doesn't sound shallow, there has to be at least some physical attraction.

@WeWantTheFinestWines god, I can really identify with that too. All the recent dates I've had (all four of them!) I've sat opposite them wishing they were the man from last year. I've been thinking about him more and more lately :(.

I cancelled my second date last night, just thought there was no point. And I cancelled today too :(. Feel bad about today but, again, just not feeling it. The man I saw last Sunday (who lives far away) has decided we've got this amazing connection and we've shared so much and distance wouldn't be an issue etc. Personally, I'm thanking god and everything else for the distance!

With regard to dating sites I've decided that, in my extensive experience of using two of them, that tinder is the best! PoF does seem to have a lot of members but I struggled to find even one that I liked. I resisted tinder for ages having heard all the stories but actually it's ok. More men, and, even if they haven't come to anything, there have at least been a few potentials.

Oh - this is going to sound really sad! It's true that I cancelled last night's date because I didn't see the point. However, if my lovely new fleecy warm dressing gown that I'd been eagerly awaiting hadn't arrived yesterday, I may have ventured out! The dressing gown won in the end since it was such a miserable wet evening ...

@friendlymum67 oh yeh, I like to think that if some OLD person asked me for money, I would instantly re-frame it from this could be a thing to 'oh no, being catfished'. A decent man would never ask a woman he was trying to get to know for money!

It must have felt very demoralising at the time though. Relief though you must have felt to have ripped off his mask, still pretty depressing knowing that this is what's out there.

@Fiftyandmore I bought some new pj's the other day and they often win out on wearing them vs going out!!

The entitlement of some men on old never ceases to amaze me. I'm ok looking, fairly slim, look after myself etc etc and yet some of the men who "like" me on Bumble is mind boggling. I have paid on bumble to see those who have swiped right purely out of interest as I was curious to see the 99+ likes that I had. Turned out to be a complete waste of money. Most are those that clearly have no distance limits as many were in Scotland whereas I am in SE. Others were of the ilk that I would never in a million years swipe right on including one 68 year old, sporting a massive gold chain round his neck, possibly 30 stone and looked like a frog... his profile stated he was looking for a fuck buddy. . Good luck with that!!!

The other ones that put me off are the ones who state after a few messages that they dearly hope they are the one for me... What after a few messages?! When I pointed out to one guy that this made him come across as desperate for "any" woman he said he just wanted me to see he was a nice guy. Seriously. As for the ones who message with "hey" or "hi", I delete on the spot. If thats the amount of effort they put into their opening gambit then it doesn't bode well for any effort into dating.

I was catfished in my first foray into OLD. I fell for this guy hook, line and sinker though of course he wasn’t real and I never met him. I did give him money 😱

I feel I learned a lot from the experience, mainly about myself. In particular I realised I had to accept that I was very vulnerable and therefore I had to be much more careful. I also learned (finally!) that being a decent person who cares about other people is not the answer: I had to protect myself first and foremost, and that meant being selfish. I now think, in any given situation: what’s in it for me? After a traditional Christian upbringing and 30 years spent sacrificing myself to do the ‘right’ thing by my husband and children, I needed to learn that lesson in order to be successful on my own.

Not that I would recommend the experience to anyone else of course!

That is awful @tiggerdatter :-/
Glad you feel like you learnt something useful from it. 💐🍷

I had a catfish experience but luckily knew it was a scam when he asked for money.

Red flags on profiles:

Using full names. If you look them up on Facebook you may find the real person who lives in the USA

Bad broken English

Referring to God in the profile saying they are devout etc

"American looking" photos. For example men in baseball caps, American looking backgrounds

OTT with claims of wanting love and commitment

Asking for money so that they can visit from abroad etc

Claiming to live in an area of the UK but having no knowledge of the area

Wow, worryingly common.

I had people claiming to be in the us army and my reaction was along the lines of can you get out of that mistake? Which confused them i think. This was about 10 years ago!! Never went beyond chit chat ok bye luckily

@TiggerDatter sorry you went through that awful catfish experience