Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

I see the whole old thing as a process and an amusement, not necessarily something I have to 'succeed at’. Frustrating as it may be, if I don't meet someone to build a relationship with, I won't feel as though I have failed. If I come out with a few extra friends, that would be great.

I don't expect to meet someone and for there to be a bolt of lightening and an immediate attraction. I think I would probably find that quite terrifying frankly I would rather a slow burner and, if they are personable, thoughtful and funny, I'm willing to put the time and effort in to getting to know them.

I have chatted to some and the conversation stalls when they ask what I do. I currently don't work (for many reasons) but own my own house and perfectly solvent. I hold post graduate qualifications and had a career in the nhs so I'm not stupid. I understand why it is off putting as I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't employed either. If they took the time to get to know me they would find that they do not have to worry about my financial situation.

As for other pursuits to meet people, I laughed about The Ned. It is a bit too far away for me but brought back memories of a wonderful lunch there the first time I really ventured afar after ending my marriage. Arrived home at 2am

As for high end car shows and golf, I’m more of a walk and country pub girl!

HairyArsedMan good point - if we were runaway successes on the sites and had a pile of interesting messages from gorgeous irons on a daily basis we wouldn't have time to eat, sleep or work! So let's be grateful that not many are interested in us and that those that are, are completely unsuitable 🤣🤣

daftapath I wish I could look at it like you do. I don't really enjoy the process but have met two lovely men through old that I would otherwise never have met. One was a brief relationship and is now a friend; one was a year long relationship which I didn't want to end. I am only putting myself through this because I want a long term relationship. More fool me...😊

Hi Everyone

I would like any and all opinions on this/

A man who is on several dating sites and is an eccentric unique and a bit broken man is several years divorced due to him having a long term affair. He’s solvent and interesting, and like all of us has some baggage. Here is what he actually wants (he’s 59 almost60) an emotional connection with a “sexy” woman from 45 to 60. He doesn’t think he is capable of falling in love or even loving a woman. He never wants to live with a woman or get married, he also doesn’t do one night stands. (If he met the right woman he would consider being physical.)

However in his profile under the relationship part he has not sure. He wants to meet for coffee and interesting conversation and go to events and enjoy London.

That’s it. None of the above of I want to see someone and I will never live with you love you or get married is missing. He also likes significant alone time. I feel his profile almost borders on fraud. Any opinions?

@Gothamgirl1970 It would be a no from me. He sounds joyless, set in his ways and it's all on his terms!

@WeWantTheFinestWines don't get me wrong, I would love another long term relationship ... with the right person. However, I'm not going to be defined by being with a man and allow myself to feel as though I have failed if it doesn't happen.

daftapath absolutely agree. If it was about a man, any man, there'd be a lot more swiping right. Being without a man is not to fail, but seeing as the point of dating sites is pretty much to find someone to date, ending up without someone to date might feel a bit rubbish in the end.

In what way fraud @Gothamgirl1970 ? Because he is not wanting anything that constitutes a date or a relationship ? Reads to me like a roundabout way of him asking for a friends with benefits type of relationship.

@HairyArsedMan because he takes them out several times indicating he’s interested and never tells him the “alone together “ plan or that he wants multiple of these going at once.

As a woman I feel there are 3 main categories women tend to fall into. Casual dating to have fun. Wanting a serious relationship maybe up to marriage. FWB.

I think women are pretty clear about what they think they want and might even leave it open like this could change depending on our connection.

To me knowing he is unable to love or to be in love, had a long term affair that broke up his marriage and he is still in contact with her (she broke it off because after the divorce he did not heighten his relationship with her and expressed his desires for “others” made her move on.

But if you are an empty vessel who can not or will not emote. Will take you to a nice dinner weekly with maybe sex maybe not, and there are “others” i the mix, what’s the investment? A £100 dinner and maybe a shag with a man who has no feelings for you except you’re sexy?

It’s all a bit to sociopathic for me.

DM?

Well, I guess he is upfront about it. Some women out there may be happy with what he offers

@Daftapath he isn’t upfront what he wants and his profile are opposite

So how do you know what he wants?

It's so interesting reading about everyone's attitudes/approach to all this, and to read about what we're looking for. What I find extra interesting is that, despite who we are/what we're like/what we want, we are all experiencing similar issues. I find that both comforting and depressing!

@Techway I've had the experience with the seemingly eligible prospects disappearing. There aren't many of them to begin with so it's disappointing when nothing comes of it. It makes me think of when I was younger and giving my phone number out to men - the ones I was interested in never rang!

I'm tempted some days to give up too. As others have said, there's nothing extraordinary about me but I'm kind, reasonably well-educated, funny (well, I think I'm funny), honest, solvent etc. So it doesn't seem too much to ask to find similar qualities in a partner.

@gothamgirl1970 I see why you would think its fraud. I would say fraud is everywhere on the dating sites and it would be great to have the option of a return and feedback option like amazon. To me he seems to be looking for sex and he has already stated he wont be falling in love so just sex.
Nothing from me. I have a date lined up for Sat. He is solvent and seems balanced so feeling calm about it.
Messaging a few but nothing going anywhere.

Morning, after dumping my ex's ass April 19, I have decided to try online dating again, so here to read about experiences, Covid-19 dating etc. I am 53 and glad to find I'm not the only one experiencing problems

@moomoo how has it been so far?

I agree on the sociopathic thing @Gothamgirl1970 it's quite a dark thing to say you'll never fall in love. He's wanting 'sexy' company in public and interesting conversation. Objects for his own ends. I think it could be read as a challenge to some. Woe betide them.

@Fiftyandmore, you are funny!

I have just switched off my profile as I am not interested in long distance and at the moment there aren't any suitable men in my local'ish area. I will go back to it but I started to feel drained by swiping and every message was from men that I wouldn't be interested in.

Adding to my list of exclusions - anyone recently separated, I'm not interested if it's still early days for them.

I am seeing someone this weekend but think it might be friends than anything else. I will be optimistic however and give it a chance as we get on when we have spoken and texted.

@greyandrare123 pretty rubbish to be fair :) Lots of likes, a few messages from those who obviously haven't read my profile. About 10 phone conversations with one guy as the app phone line kept cutting off. Too many red flags with that one though as a) no profile pic, kept blaming tech problems b) sent me a pic which was too far away to see his facial features c) refused to transfer the calls/messages to whatsapp as apparently he only has a work mobile and it is monitored, but no personal mobile(or maybe that is monitored by his wife/girlfriend) , promised to take me to Jamaica with the free flights he gets with his job, promised to call me later (sat evening) and I haven't seen heard from him since ! feeling I have had a lucky escape to be fair

It is the whole Covid dating thing, I am ok with meeting for a 1st date so maybe a socially distanced coffee/drink but what about 3 or 4 dates down the line, especially when in different tiers. I am a key worker so don't want to put others at risk, or the fact i want my daughter to be able to come home at Xmas

@moomoo1967
Your experiences are all so familiar. Ive had the no whattsapp at work one too. This chancer apparently is working in Turkey but is German and has an English name. He got shirty with me when Id forgotten some facts about him and had asked him to repeat himself. Ive currently got 2 on the go. 1 i am meeting on Sat and the other has started talling nonsence which can only lead to the 'sexitalk'. God help me.

@greyandrare123 it just smacked of him either having a wife or girlfriend. As soon as I dumped my ex last year I went on a dating app and was chatting to one guy, I decided my head wasn't in the right space to date and told him I was coming off the app. When I re-joined last weekend, he was still on there and wouldn't have it, he was determined that i met someone THAT was the reason I disappeared, wouldn't believe me.

@moomoo they do show their true colours quite quickly so in some ways it was good he revealed himself then as he would be revealing himself later anyway.

Hello @moomoo1967, thank you for joining us. You're right about your match sounding very suspicious (and very married).

Thank you @Techway, I've been waiting years for someone to find me funny :).

I'm talking to one man who I actually quite like and he seems to quite like me back. We've said we'll meet the weekend after next (as neither of us can make it any sooner). But I'm not holding my breath because so far, the very few I've liked, have faded away.

Please can anyone tell me how to see super likes on Tinder?

I had no one left to swipe on with Tinder - it’s only been about two weeks. I’m really not hopeful - any other suitable sites - I know people say the same men appear on all the sites -= is it worth paying?

Welcome Moomoo.

I've just read this entire thread, what a lovely group of people you are!
I'm only a year and a half after bereavement after an almost thirty-three-year, very happy marriage.

I am nowhere near OLD yet (if ever), but I am only a few months from sixty years old. I have learnt so much from your stories.

My plan is to join as many real-life groups with shared interests as I can, I live thirty-five minutes away from a city, so I can study Japanese, go to arts and to music things, and anything else where I might meet new people.

I might be deluded, I was only just coming out of the trauma of losing him and working out how to resume an active social life when COVID-19 hit!

So, do you think there's any chance of a lovely man, I am not desperate, I can live by myself, or would you recommend OLD too?