Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

@Gothamgirl1970 I am so with you on the lack of a modicum of intelligence and education out there, never mind men who can spell. And put commas in the right place. I feel like such a snob refusing to swipe right on someone just because they have written their profile badly - but it says something about them! They either didn't care enough to check their profile before posting - or they don't know how bad they are at English. And I don't know which is worst. I'm not even English myself ffs, but I can string a sentence together without sounding like a moron. And if see one more University of Life or University of Hard Knocks, I may end up strangling someone.

Do you use the two free filters @Gothamgirl1970 and @WeWantTheFinestWines ? There is an advantage to being swipe happy as this puts you to the front of the queue of the people you've swiped on. I think maybe this is why you see many unsuitables (especially if you don't apply the filters) ? I'm not swipe happy as I'm not in it to reassure myself I'm hugely popular, just a decent match with someone on my wavelength would be cool.

I find the filters on bumble work better than on Hinge. Haven't had any youngsters come up for a start. Moving around does muck up the algorithms though so I have swiped right and then when they come up on my beeline, they are miles and miles away.

I defiantly got more possibles when I took the free offer of two week membership but none of them have come to anything. At least you can see all those who have swiped right on you. I wonder if the men who are literate and (say they) have a good job are mainly looking for a hookup!

Now you see by the time I will not respond to anyone who calls me 'sexy' 'babe' or 'beautiful' Someone who has 'just ask' in their profile. Someone with a dodgy username, goddamn awful photos there is no one left really.
I notice a lot of 'self employed' and am wary of 'widowers' also, especially unusually handsome ones.
We all lose our looks as we get older, most of the men online who certainly message me never had looks in the first place.

What app is this on HairyArsedMan?

I don't think I'll ever be swipe happy. I can't do revolting, I can't do excessive amount of tattoos, I can't do false teeth, I can't do posing with car, motorbike or fish. Doesn't leave many...

I have the same dislikes as lots of us have mentioned, and it really really doesn't leave much choice.

One man messaged last night saying "hello love"! I mean really?! Another man has been messaging telling me how lovely he and his friend Julie think I am. He's mentioned Julie a few times now, and I have the distinct impression he and Julie are looking for something I'm not!

I'm beginning to think I'm doing something very wrong. Any promising conversations I do have seem to peter out. Last night a man who ticked most boxes messaged, and was initially very keen. Didn't take long though for the messages to get shorter and shorter. I'm more aware of this now, and as soon as I sense interest waning I stop replying. I figure if I've misread the level of interest, they'll be in touch again. It's so disappointing though.

The man I met on Friday has talked me into meeting again this coming Saturday.

@WeWantTheFinestWines This is on Bumble. But I think Tinder operates in a similar way. No, I’m not swipe happy either - but many blokes are and those are going to be the ones that crop up first. I think Tinder tries to penalise happy swipers, or at least show them to other happy swipers of a similar popularity.

@HairyArsedMan I don't understand! So the more you swipe the higher your profile is? Is that what you mean?

@fiftyandmore you catagorically are doing nothing wrong. I see it to being akin to working in a call centre. The majority are going to be no hopers and maybe you will strike lucky at some point. Ive gone from having a few dates lined up, lots of chats last week to this week and literally zero. I find it quite amusing how all my potenial irons have faded away, mainly due to their dodginess. At the moment im talking to one who seems relatively steady apart from a no shirt pic on his profile. He doesnt belong to the EDL or is of the 'all foreigners steal our jobs' crew which are my first line dealbreakers. My second line dealbreakers will be assessed as we go along. He is keen to meet Sat for dinner and is prepared to drive. The other one seems sensible so far (i thought that about the 2 last week and I was wrong).
It can all turn on a sixpence and Im ready for it.

So many seem to have no clue about the art of conversation and that it is a two way thing!

@Fiftyandmore It’s more that if you swipe positively on someone you appear earlier in their swipe list.

I’m the idiot who pays for it, I live in w1c.

Are there saying there are 0 men with a 20 year span 25 miles from the centre of bloody london? Bollox

So gals I think there may have to be actioned! This is not meeting expectations. Part of it is the newly divorced man seems to be looking For a 30 something

@Gothamgirl1970 if you close down the app completely (ie double tap on hole button and swipe up if on iPhone) it will often refresh and you will get more.

I suspect lockdown has stopped some from using the site. It had seemed to be busier a couple of weeks ago

@Daftapath I am just giving up on it all together. I can say if there is a profile (many don’t) I do read it. I really want a loving companionship with conversation and activities and also some humour. My physical requirements are low. I don’t care about bald, not worried about a dad bod. He doesn’t need to flip a car with one hand. Even shorter (within reason is ok) here are some honest to God things I had to look up

Ethical non monogamous
Looking to complete our triad
I spend 50-60 hours a week at the gym or cycling (no thanks)
Serious gamer
Fortnite is my life
I’m looking for a woman who shares my obsession with Star Wars
Separated men who still live with the family for 7 years
Dating is expensive so if we meet for a coffee it’s Dutch only.
I’m an alpha man (from a postie)
I’ve lived at home with my family all my life and if we hit it off my parents will welcome you into the home with open arms
Pics of then and their children grand children or exwife. I could go on but it’s too depressing.

So I started a list of places men I maybe interested would be, and am going to try that

I opened up Tinder on Sunday and lo, there was Marcia! I didn’t swipe on him/her but it made me smile.

Had two conversations, one with a man who had no interest in anything whatsoever, not even himself, and one with a man who had a bit of spark then revealed he had a condition that my XH has. I can’t do that again. Two matches I immediately unmatched again (second thoughts). So nada in the end. Deleted again.

BUT (fanfair please) I didn’t see a single fish or toilet! This made me happy 😃

@TiggerDatter @Gothamgirl1970 how depressing!

I've been chatting to someone who has an interesting job and is tall and handsome and only (!) 2 hours away - then he came out as a Christian. I'm an atheist but I have Christian friends so I can deal with that - I told him though. I said "I drink, I swear, I have sex outside of marriage" and that I don't believe in God. He seemed ok with that so we kept chatting. This morning he has greeted me as a wonderful creation of God, called me a beautiful angel and told me I'm blessed. And he hasn't made me laugh once! I need laughter, I need wine, I need wild abandon, ranting at the world, talking bollocks and having sex. I've told him I don't think we're compatible. A rare match bites the dust...

@Gothamgirl1970 I think we must be seeing similar profiles as not too far away from each other!

What/where is on your list for meeting people/men?

@TiggerDatter no fish or toilets I must have really lowered my standards, I'm now happy with a loo as long as the seat/lid is down!

@WeWantTheFinestWines I suppose you have to laugh at the Christian greeting, ffs. I bet he thought he could convert you and bring you into the fold

@Gothamgirl1970, it is a depressing list. One thing I have noticed is that seemingly eligible men seem to register, exchange a few messages and then their profile disappears. Can't figure what that is about? Also I think that there are redundant profiles on the site so the actual pool is much smaller. The sites make it easy to register but deleting your profile is almost impossible.

I maybe joining you in giving up. I started my OLD journey in trepidation because of the stories but then became optimistic however after 3 months I am now realistic. I want to keep my standards high and OLD has at least highlighted that I am not missing out. I have made a friend from it, had lots of dates, none were terrible and I visited new places so on the whole it's been fine. I am seeing someone this weekend but I doubt attraction will be there, although we get on well through texting. He could end up being another friend!

@HairyArsedMan, what is your perspective?

How long have you got @Techway ?

Well I don't hit any of the low points of @Gothamgirl1970 's list, and I'm tall, fit and solvent and a non-deadbeat dad so you would think I'd be clocking up the right swipes based on this thread. It isn't the case - I've just opened Bumble and I have zero likes. Not that I need the approval - I'm just remarking on the contrast to the preferences expressed here.

I see all the same teeth grindingly bad or low effort profiles you all see, but have to remind myself that the app is for everyone and think maybe those women will find someone from the similar male pool.

Overall my experience matches yours though - I swipe selectively when a profile really interests me, and most everyone I've met, I've liked, but not enough. I've been doing it for four years and really only met two women where I hands down wanted things to continue further, so I feel maybe throwing in the towel after 3 months is a bit premature. I meet one of those women now as a friend and we have a great rapport and emotional connection and can't go much time at all without seeing each other. That and other friendships have emerged from meeting women online and I'm grateful for those and the perspectives they give me in return.

More than anything I've learned over time about what I want too. I read @WeWantTheFinestWines post earlier about searching for abandon and excitement and I feel at cross purposes to that desire. I want it yes, and want to be part of it, but I don't want to provide it ... the distinction being that I think it's something that should be co-constructed rather than demanded/expected off the bat from a random stranger. I don't want to go there without knowing someone well because there has to be something solid behind all that intensity.

I'm coming at it from the angle of wanting something solid and meaningful, rather than something that scratches an itch or allows one to feel human again after a terrible relationship, and so that's when I think good luck to women wanting to be swept off their feet, and be treated like a princess and so on (though I also think this is the dangerous realm of the player and manipulative love bombers). I think from profile reading online dating is skewed towards this, and there's nothing wrong with having that dream but it's not my dream. I've accepted the little niche of pragmatism and not-very-romanticism that I occupy means online might not be for me. I have to just 🤷‍♂️ at the paradox that I'm hanging out online to find someone that feels a similar antipathy to online dating.

Really interesting @HairyArsedMan. I don't expect anything to be provided for me and I agree that if things grow and there is a connection all those things can follow. But if someone doesn't find my hilarious comments even vaguely amusing and does not write anything fun or light hearted and goes deep, meaningful and gushy on day one of chatting I think I'm fairly safe in thinking we are not going to belly laugh or be silly together.

Everyone comes at this from a different angle, don't we, and I think we all have a fairly established sense of who we are and what we need. I provide fun, passion and excitement as well as emotional intelligence and the ability to be serious and considerate and open. If I come across someone who wants me to be grateful God created me the day after I told them I'm a committed atheist I can't see a lot of fun happening anytime soon.

I'm resigned to the fact that I will have very few matches and even fewer chats. It makes me very sad to think that I may never be with anyone again, but we all know nobody is better than the wrong body. So on we go...

@HairyArsedMan I’m glad you made 2 friends in 4 years but I’m 50, I have lots of friends and don’t need or want to make 2 in 4 years. To me that’s the law of diminishing returns be plus ultra.

I’m taking:
A wine class
Golf lessons
I already belong to the Ned so I will force myself over there.
High end car shows
I play tennis to a reasonable standard but will take some lessons and then be eligible for mixed doubles draws

I should also add my two “attributes” that scare suitable men away. 1. I’m American and although I’m a home owning citizen that can be a no.

1. I’m a Very Senior Executive for a fortune 50 company (most senior woman in EMEA) and men do not like you to be more senior in your career than they are.

Wow @Gothamgirl1970, I'm really impressed with you. You're the kind of woman I wanted to grow up to be when I was younger. Turns out I wasn't clever enough, hard working enough or motivated enough to actually get there. I totally take my hat off to your accomplishments. Sadly I think you're right about the majority of men - I'm nothing special but I have a couple of degrees, I've read a few books and I know some stuff. And even that has been known to scare men off! So the one who's going to be man enough to be in awe of you instead of scared of you will be hard to find.

What's the Ned?

@WeWantTheFinestWines I wasn't meaning to be critical of you - I really felt your pain as I have no interest in deities either, and my stomach would've sank if someone sent me a message at any point in a relationship describing me as a beautiful angel, let alone within hours, having never met. It's utterly unfounded and shows you they are living in a dream world.

Equally one does come across people that have that sort of intensity about them, and feel rejected if you are not smothering them with attention. I think those are the ones I'm really thinking about as wanting the passion to be delivered from the get go. The god guy would be ace for them !

I experience the same sort of sadness about meeting too few on the same wavelength. It's good that you recognise it as you having something great to give. I think sometimes the format is all wrong (Describe yourself in 200 characters, 5 photos, Your anthem etc) because it just gives mere glimpses of a person but if I had to describe the alternative it wouldn't be online dating. It'd be just called having a life and being yourself ! And that we do anyway and that has similar outcomes. I've said it before, if I found myself really wanting to swipe right and chat to even one tenth of the profiles, in real life I'd never make it home (or to work) on the average day.

@Gothamgirl1970 I'm maybe not typical of someone either male or engaged in the rat race - I would consider a relationship with someone with an impressive career that surpasses my own. You sound awesome - in your case I would imagine golf and high end cars would be a great draw for a lot of blokes, especially in the city. Perplexing.

On the making friends front, I'm 50 too, have plenty of friends that are widely dispersed but when someone is decent and we give each other something I'm very willing to engage in another friendship and won't reject it because it's through an online approach. I don't agree that it can be reduced to friends per year as that doesn't get at the quality of the experience at all.