Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

Sounds like a lovely evening with a lovely man Fiftyandmore - although you would probably have preferred a hot date with an exciting man....

I allowed myself 10 minutes of wallowing in missing my ex and then put my profile on match. So I'm now on two sites. It's not all the same men so maybe there's hope. So far haven't matched with anyone. I should just stop for tonight as I think I'm looking for another him...

That sounds lovely. I would also give it another go as he is so fun!

Not much to report here. Speaking to someone involved with racing but it's been a bit hard work with me asking about him and not a lot or reciprocation yet.

@Greyandrare123 have no idea about pof but I think on Hinge you can phone. Thankfully my phone is never rung even when people say they have tried to call. I would have been in an immediate panic!! Definitely getting braver about talking to possibles on the phone but it has to be on my terms ie out if the house or when the kids are not around!

Hi crimson - I’ve not a problem asking for someone’s number - I then call them from my landline but press 141 so they don’t get my number - I’m curious to know your concern . I’d sooner have their number than them having mine.
I’ve had more matches that I’ve not swiped on - someone whos looking for “fun” I’m not sure that’s for me and I pointed out the bubble link.
Hope all the dates go well over the weekend.

Morning all - mind if I join? I'm 50, separated 7 years and divorced 4, and having spent most of that time dealing with a hideous divorce and still hideous ex husband, I started thinking about dating during lockdown and re-downloaded Tinder etc. Have had one relationship with someone who turned out to be an utterly insane 'too good to be true' fantasist who claimed to be needing 'space' for a week or two to sort out his stressful money situation but was in fact back on Tinder. That Old Chestnut. It really affected me a lot - as this was the first person I'd slept with or in any way 'let in' to my life emotionally in 7 years.

So - having managed to get that out of my system I'm back on the wonder that is Tinder. I had tried POF (and yes, my god, the live stream...) and have met three men, none of whom were of any note. I have this week however been chatting to a man who seems really funny and open (and is also tall, a particularly swoony characteristic for me as I'm quite tall too). We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow for brunch - if we're still allowed in all this Tier nonsense - and I'm quite excited but trying to stay grounded and would appreciate a hand hold through it all!

@freelancedolly you have a handhold from me. I think you just have to repeat the 'dont get invested mantra over and over'. Let him show his true colours while you make decisions about him every step of the way. What I am realising is that I am in no way responsible for someone elses poor behaviour so when its unfolding in front of me, all I can do is respond to it using my own well established boundaries (work in progress).

@freelancedolly, welcome. Sounds like a horrible experience but remember you survived and you will have learnt from it. It is about boundaries and learning to trust instinct. Both are a work in progress for me. I may have my red flag radar set too high (which could stop me having another relationship) but for me it's small steps.

Mr Estate agent & I still texting, we may meet next week but he had an op so couldn't drive.
Another man messaged but then said he was older than his profile and that has put me off as I prefer honesty upfront.

Mr cool, guitar playing/medical professional messaged and was extremely quick to ask for coffee. I suggested a call first and he wanted today but I have pushed back til tomorrow. It seems fast!

On Match you can see when someone has been online and I've noticed the interesting profiles are rarely online...not sure what that means but makes me question if these sites have as many men actually signed up.

@Techway I let my match subscription lapse and noticed it didn’t remove my profile and still showed it to others. To be clear the site is useless without a subscription - there’s no way of messaging someone without it so there’s no point in leaving a profile there - unless you’re using it like a line in the water to come back to periodically with a short subscription. You can suspend your profile (which I did) but the option is buried, so perhaps some leave profiles up unknowingly rather than in a more calculated way.

@freelancedolly
Welcome to the thread. Lots of lovely sounding people on these pages! I second -don't over-invest before meeting. Don't text for ages before meeting either.
I was chatting to a man last week who was so keen to meet me yet he cancelled two days before our date. Luckily we'd only been texting a few days and only had one phone call so I wasn't invested it was just a bit annoying.

I have so many likes, which lead to chats but then they just tail off.
I think I could do with some male critique on my profile actually!

Whilst it can be exciting when you think you have met a new potential... especially in the early days of OLD there’s really no need to give out your number, if you’re not planning the first date yet.
Some people give their phone out to everyone and think nothing of it. While we all like to think that we can trust people, the sad reality is that you have to be careful with so many phishing scams and people trying to take advantage of unsuspecting victims.
I think if you have spent enough time chatting online and you feel comfortable taking the next step, it’s time to exchange numbers.
You wouldn’t just hand your number out to a stranger on the street. and so you shouldn’t just give your number out to a total stranger online, either.
Each person has their own personal boundaries, just be cautious.
Yes, as someone has pointed out you can simply block, but why not save yourself the hassle of having to get to that point in the first place.

Hi @freelancedolly, welcome. Your brunch sounds good. Hope it goes well.

@crimsonlake I do agree about being careful about who to give ones mobile number to. I would only do so after having chatted for a while via the old app. I am also careful about how much I say about my dcs, although one claims to be an adult now! I think we do all have to have our own boundaries and use our own judgement.

hairyarsedman if you match with someone on Match you can chat without subscription. You can't see who liked you if you haven't liked them, but that seems a bit pointless to me anyway...

Done it . However, I do not think dating in a pandemic is a good idea. I can't believe you have thought this through

@WeWantTheFinestWines I think if they’ve paid for the Connect upgrade (or you have) messaging can still take place. I had a message thread going with a match but couldn’t message them after the subscription expired. I had passed on my number in anticipation to continue the conversation but maybe they thought it was a ruse. Or they just weren’t arsed 😄

Oh... maybe I'm missing a trick then... thanks HairyArsedMan

I haven't RTFT but just wanted to put in an encouraging word. I did OLD for three years, didn't have a lot of dates but everyone I met with was normal. that's because I did a lot of screening. The vast majority of the guys were illiterate, nasty, using fake photos or just not really interested in actually meeting anyone.

I found it very time-consumting and depressing and had decided to give it a rest when I met my now DH on OKCupid. I was very cautious when he approached me having been dissappointed so often. But he was very normal and polite from the outset (to the extent it made me wonder what he was hiding!), made a huge effort to write to me in English (not his first language), telling me all about himself, and didn't give up. (Luckily I speak his language as well.) I was 53 when we met and we got married a year ago when I was 56 and he was 63.

I feel very lucky but I know plenty of people who met partners online. You quickly learn who the time-wasters are.

Best of luck to you.

Hello @freelancedolly, I'm sorry you had that experience - well done for getting back on the horse and good luck tomorrow.

Re the number thing - I don't mind giving mine out as long as the recipients know that it takes me a bit of time to work up to actually speaking. I don't think there's much personal info they can find out about you just from having your number or am I being very naive? Back in the day exchanging numbers was all we had.

I feel sad today for some reason I can't put my finger on. Last night's date has been messaging about meeting up again but my mind is full of the man I had the relationship with last year. We both knew ending it was the right thing to do but I miss him and I miss the intense physicality of that relationship. I didn't think at my age I would find that - but I did, and now I know what I'm missing and I can't envisage finding that again.

Cross posted with you @TheyAreMinerals. Thank you for sharing that, it's encouraging to hear happy endings and congratulations on your marriage.

@TheyAreMinerals - that's a lovely encouraging story.

I'm getting to the point where I don't think I will find anyone I find attractive. I had great chemistry with my ex and it's rare to find.

Have a great weekend everyone

On giving out mobile numbers, if you have social media like Insta/Facebook and have your number attached to your account, you may come up as a suggestion for them in their social media. That may tempt some to have a nosey/find out surname etc. I think k you can search on mobile number too according to some threads I’ve seen on here. So do ensure your social media is locked down to your satisfaction. (I give out my full name and social media first ahead of a meeting just so all that can be scrutinised in the open.)

Thanks for the welcome all. @Techway - you're so right about learning from it and setting boundaries/red flag spotting - I really do think I have learned a lot. He was a classic lovebombing, future-faking narcissist type who seemed absolutely intent on breaking down my boundaries.

@Fiftyandmore - hug to you and know exactly how that feels in terms of thinking you'll never find it again. I wanted to say though that I think it ALWAYS feels like that. After this guy I felt so glum about exactly that - he was tall and dashing and just ticked so many boxes. Even if nothing works out with this guy I'm meeting tomorrow, amusingly he ticks a lot of the same boxes (even silly ones like being quite fashionable and having previously lived on a houseboat - I do like me a slightly unconventional chap) - so I feel like the universe is trying quite hard to point out that there are lots of other interesting people around for me.

Lovely story @TheyAreMinerals - here's to success for us all.

Thank you @HairyArsedMan for that info. I don't have FB or Instagram or Linked In so I guess I'm ok giving out my number. I also have a very common first and surname!

You want to play online scrabble! Plenty of desperate men on there. Mostly American. Mostly apparently working abroad (forces, charity, medical or some other worthy cause) and all with a similar line up of chat up talk.

@JaJaDingDong they are all on old sites too. Unfortunately for them, none of us wants a desperate man who says they are American/in the forces (usually 'Special Forces')/charity/medical/etc

I've also had approaches from them on Instagram and even via my Fitbit!

Some great perspectives on here and good solid reminder of the phone number/SM links..Thank you.
I have had that feeling of sorrow too when I go for dates and I feel they dont match to my ex but then I remind myself why we split up. I have to remind myself. On another thread someone mentioned their ex healed their heartache through them. It struck a chord as my ex was still in love with his previous gf when he met me and he healed through me.
Update: 2 dates today. SD walks, well mostly standing around at a distance.

1. Very nice. As you know I use crutches and he was keen to help me and open doors etc. Very attractive and appears to be compassionate and kind. I was his first online date. I assumed he wouldnt like me much esp as I am disabled and manage a chronic illness but he has text me tk say how much he enjoyed himself. I enjoyed it too and if he wants to see me again Ill be happy to go. I am mindful of the sweetshop effect as he is new to the service.
2. Very pleasant man. No attraction on my behalf but he seemed a bit in awe of me which although is not a red flag, isnt warrented. I told him there and then that I didnt find him a romantic potential and he was fine about it so maybe he didnt feel it either.

I've just had a phone call with a man from Bumble which made me feel unclean.
He was awful.
Why are there so many strange men on dating sites?
It's men like that which make feel why do I even bother?
He rang me through the site so hasn't got my number. Needless to say I've unmatched