Long sorry... Just in shock - need the collective expertise of Mumsnet- DH and hook up site

[Tempnamelady]

Before I hark back to previous posts and advice I’ve been given on here, I really need some advice/info from those more IT technically proficient than me before I jump to conclusions. More of the rest later.
DH out cycling earlier, left his phone, no biggie usually does, he also commented earlier that he was going out and leaving it as it didn’t have much charge.
He isn’t glued to his phone , I know the unlock code. I’ve just been getting a bit of a vibe off him lately , things haven’t been great and you’ve all offered your take on it which was appreciated. Anyway.. I swiped Left on his phone and a calendar entry came up for today it said ‘Sex hook up 3.6 miles from your location and a time this afternoon’ After nearly dropping the phone in shock I tried to open it and it said it couldn’t open as the Calendar app had been deleted. As I said I’m not great with tech but thinking about it , I reinstalled the calendar app in his phone ( I have since deleted it again and he himself isn’t a great tech person so even if you could tell he wouldn’t notice). Anyway a load of notifications/times ( only in last few days) came up ,they were from Thursday to today . Basically local women looking for sex hook ups some of it was pretty graphic with locations and times . There’s a website mentioned called ( cringe) banglocals.com and Something called Https:anamuel-careslie.com which seems to be some sort of url link to porn hook up websites.

So nothing before Thurs that I could see and nothing after today.

Right this is where I need your advice and expertise, at the moment I’m pretty shaky and churning but trying to stay calm as DS and his girlfriend are here, DH at the pub. Does this mean he has signed up to a hook up site? Do you think he has deleted his calendar deliberately knowing I do see his phone on occasion? I am sure he wouldn’t know that the entries would still come up on swipe even if he deleted his calendar app, he’s not that tech savvy. I can’t understand why you would delete your calendar app, it’s kind of standard isn’t it? I did use to use mine a bit though I rely on Alexa for reminders these days. He wouldn’t use a calendar app for anything like appointments etc.

Can this thing ever just accidentally end up on your phone, I’m guessing not but I don’t want to look like a complete tit if they can. I am trying to keep my powder dry and will be able to get his phone again tomorrow as no doubt he will be out on his bike at some point. If it’s legit then he’s fucking history, we’ve had some pretty big issues of late and things aren’t great anyway but if he was even contemplating using a site to meet women then I’m gone. I will be fine , I am not at all dependent on him, I have a successful career, a lovely adult DS, tons of friends and money in the bank.

But before I get ahead of myself , if anyone can offer any advice on whether this means he has signed up and anything else I can do to get proof if he is on site/s then I’d be really really grateful.

I think I need a drink.

We are both away separately for the next few days and I will be remaining in the spare room. He has asked for another chance and says he understands that that will be it. I will not be making any further compromises and he has said that he will address his issues. I’m not holding my breath but I will see how things go. I have never laid it on the line like this and I’m not even sure I want to give him another chance, I know I don’t have to. So not backing down, well not totally and I have read every one of your posts and your advice is spot on.

OP why do you have to feel that you can't say you're anti porn? Who or what has conditioned you to dare feel you can't not be ok with it? You're currently living the experience of the huge impact it has on not only the person themselves, but their partner, and you're sadly very far from alone. This is not even considering the horrendous, exploitative and misogynistic industry at the heart of it all.

Could be a virus on his phone? Clicking adverts accidentally on porn sites can fill your phone with viruses, would def explain the banglocals.com bit

Oh god sorry I didn't read the updates I'm so sorry you're going through this

Time and space away from each other are a good idea.

He says he wants another chance? Is he clear on the changes you need in the marriage?

www.datingbusters.com/banglocals-com-is-still-continuingto-scam-people-with-their-bogus-dating-site/

He said he will tell people that we are splitting because he has MH issues and I can’t cope with them , making me look bad.

That should be the hill you die on, right there. It's blatantly hostile bullying and it shows no remorse or desire to make amends.

He wants another chance because he has no Plan B ready yet.
'Another chance with you' = the time and opportunity to get whatever thrill he gets from deceiving you.

He will string you along until you discover he is at it again. He knows you are kicking it down the road.

You should pull the plug now. He'll soon wipe away the tears and get angry and vengeful. That is the real him.

You keep on saying you've been married 23 years. Has any of this got better over the years?

This time next year it will be 24 years. Do you expect things to improve in the next 12 months?

Personally I think you should take the approach of helping with his issues by going to the doc/counselling with him.

You do love him, 23 years is a long time, you have a family and son, yes you should give him a chance.

Maybe you need separate counselling. Maybe he needs to open up a bit to you. Maybe you need a third party to help. But yes you should try.

Oh my god. Your husband is a wanker. MH issues? The most bandied about phrase! A controlled use of porn?? Did his counsellor get their accreditation over the internet? Why do you keep invalidating your own feelings towards porn? You are entitled to your own opinions. This man ... he is not good for you, he is not good to you.