Long sorry... Just in shock - need the collective expertise of Mumsnet- DH and hook up site

[Tempnamelady]

Before I hark back to previous posts and advice I’ve been given on here, I really need some advice/info from those more IT technically proficient than me before I jump to conclusions. More of the rest later.
DH out cycling earlier, left his phone, no biggie usually does, he also commented earlier that he was going out and leaving it as it didn’t have much charge.
He isn’t glued to his phone , I know the unlock code. I’ve just been getting a bit of a vibe off him lately , things haven’t been great and you’ve all offered your take on it which was appreciated. Anyway.. I swiped Left on his phone and a calendar entry came up for today it said ‘Sex hook up 3.6 miles from your location and a time this afternoon’ After nearly dropping the phone in shock I tried to open it and it said it couldn’t open as the Calendar app had been deleted. As I said I’m not great with tech but thinking about it , I reinstalled the calendar app in his phone ( I have since deleted it again and he himself isn’t a great tech person so even if you could tell he wouldn’t notice). Anyway a load of notifications/times ( only in last few days) came up ,they were from Thursday to today . Basically local women looking for sex hook ups some of it was pretty graphic with locations and times . There’s a website mentioned called ( cringe) banglocals.com and Something called Https:anamuel-careslie.com which seems to be some sort of url link to porn hook up websites.

So nothing before Thurs that I could see and nothing after today.

Right this is where I need your advice and expertise, at the moment I’m pretty shaky and churning but trying to stay calm as DS and his girlfriend are here, DH at the pub. Does this mean he has signed up to a hook up site? Do you think he has deleted his calendar deliberately knowing I do see his phone on occasion? I am sure he wouldn’t know that the entries would still come up on swipe even if he deleted his calendar app, he’s not that tech savvy. I can’t understand why you would delete your calendar app, it’s kind of standard isn’t it? I did use to use mine a bit though I rely on Alexa for reminders these days. He wouldn’t use a calendar app for anything like appointments etc.

Can this thing ever just accidentally end up on your phone, I’m guessing not but I don’t want to look like a complete tit if they can. I am trying to keep my powder dry and will be able to get his phone again tomorrow as no doubt he will be out on his bike at some point. If it’s legit then he’s fucking history, we’ve had some pretty big issues of late and things aren’t great anyway but if he was even contemplating using a site to meet women then I’m gone. I will be fine , I am not at all dependent on him, I have a successful career, a lovely adult DS, tons of friends and money in the bank.

But before I get ahead of myself , if anyone can offer any advice on whether this means he has signed up and anything else I can do to get proof if he is on site/s then I’d be really really grateful.

I think I need a drink.

And never in a million years would someone who was really cheating write ‘sex hook up’ in his calendar on a phone that’s lying around that he knows you can access

Ooh that's very spammy spam.

He's deleted his calendar because someone, somehow has gotten a hold of his email address and he's getting 'local hookup' spam entries on it. I've got them too on an old email account, and I'd never entered my email address into anything dodgy that I know of.

It's so rare that you can find an innocent explanation for these things, and you appear to have one!

It's spam events, he's obviously clicked on a porn link and it's infected his calendar. Deleting his calender app to get rid, doesn't work. See below how to remove from apple help

discussions.apple.com/thread/251005407

I don't know anything about hook up sites but you'd have thought if they were going to have calendar entries for bookings (which in itself seems weird) they would look a lot more discreet than that.

As soon as you said the entry read “sex hook up” I thought it sounded odd. A man cheating on his partner isn’t going to write that as a diary entry. I doubt anyone would to be fair, it’s a spammy sounding line.

Then I saw the screenshots. Without a doubt, 100% spam. Generic, non-personal and sound slightly odd - definitely not a real person on a hookup site.

I also think he’s looked at a porn or other type of adult site and this is how it’s on his phone. Maybe he had to sign up to the site and give his email and that’s how it’s ended up on his calendar. You’re going to have to ask him but at least you know he’s not going for actual hookup sex, unlike some of the partners of Mumsnetters. Scant consolation I know.

Spammy spam spam but you sound like you have your doubts about the relationship so is there any going back from this?

Definitely sounds like spam/malware to me.

I'd unsubscribe him to calendar in settings in his phone for him, it's very simple - settings, passwords and account, subscribed calendars then delete/ permission for that site. As you said he isn't tech savvy.
Then never mention it, as how do you explain you'd looked at his phone when he was out.

Totally spam. Probably why he deleted the calendar!

I can’t imagine anyone putting sex hook up , followed by a distance to that destination . It sounds a lot like spam . There are so many click bait sites around . Possibly hes been looking at porn and something spam related from there
I would def talk to him before assuming the worst .
I do wonder why he has deleted his calendar app , that’s a bit unusual but not an absolute indicator of cheating imo

He is very likely back at the porn.
No, this kind of stuff doesn't arrive on your calendar by accident.

However the possibility of both a hookup site and porn exists.

He might have a second phone and might have left the other home so you wouldn't be able to see any noted locations.

Biking or long runs are an ideal foil for hooking up.

He could have multiple e-mail addresses that you know nothing about.

If his porn problem was only discovered recently, if he was secretive about the therapy he did for that and never took responsibility for it, then if I were you I would pour myself that drink, if you are sure you can keep schtum after downing it.

How did the porn problem come to light?

In what ways has he been 'off' recently?

You have some watching and thinking to do. My best guess is he is back at the porn.

Poor guy. Absolutely no doubt that is spam.

Those messages are definitely spam.

I wonder if he deleted the calendar to stop those notifications? And he didn't tell you because all the porn stuff that went on last year and he didn't want to get into.trouble

Deffo spam!

I don't use an iphone, but dh has one for work... so someone correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think you can delete/uninstall the dedicated iphone calendar app.

Could he have downloaded a calendar app for the "hook ups" which have then been copied automatically to the dedicated calendar wthout him knowing? But won't open because they weren't created on it?

I had that on my andriod, and had to tweak the settings to stop my using the default which I don't like..

1000000000% spam now you've shared those screenshots! Probably a virus from a porn site and that's why he didn't mention it and deleted his calendar app instead. But they are definitely, definitely spam.

Ahh, ok... seeing your photos that does look like spam.

Just seen the screenshots you posted . These are spam , without any Doubt whatsoever .

That's spam, he may not have even necessarily clicked on anything porny. I get spam calendar "events" through my email (gmail, but if you link your email to your calendar it would sync any form of invite). There are companies that sell your information, my spam folder is full of "hook up" crap I've never signed up to.

He's probably deleted/disabled the calendar to make it go away if he's not that tech savvy and doesn't use it anyway.

To all those talking about how he must have accessed porn to get porn spam, I suppose I must have a hacked post office account, a missedNetflix payment, €30,000 of bitcoin, access to a Nigerian prince's 7 figure inheritance, Russian babes wanting to meet me...

All in the last week.

Spam! It’s identical to what the comedian Celeste Barber was complaining about on her phone a few weeks ago IIRC - kept getting calendar entries identical to that.

Ok well thanks for the reassurance everyone.

it’s spam from a porn site. When i watch porn it suggests locals and comes up as meet the girls. com or something. Even find a fuck. It’s just spam.

So in the last couple of days, he has googled how to remove the notifications ( I checked and saw the google search) and the calendar is back. I couldn’t not say anything , it was eating away at me. I confronted him with the screen shots and he laughed in my face and said it came via A Twitter link. When pressed he admitted a porn site but said he couldn’t remember which one. I’m afraid I went mad, I alluded to it above but he has suffered severe mental health issues and OCD linked to porn use ( I can’t tell you anymore than that as he was very secretive about it) and it made my life miserable for months.

So tonight I’ve had as expected that I don’t understand/ he was embarrassed to tell me/ all men watch porn/ I’m over reacting / our lives and marriage are shit anyway/ culminating in him threatening to kill him self as I don’t understand his ‘mental health/condition. My poor DS is embroiled in it , I told him it was between me and his dad but they sat in the car talking about it while I went out for a few hours.

I feel as though I have to say I’m not anti porn, but when it has brought him to states I’ve seen him in before and he has now admitted that this was one of the main issues he discussed with his counsellor but never would tell me, then to me it is an issue, he even cited his counsellor saying that ‘controlled’ use of porn is ok.

He is now doing what he has done in the past and trying to make me feel sorry for him. I’m just so fed up with it all, hes selfish anyway and I’m am

Sorry send too soon.

I just don’t know what to to. I think it’s the fact that my feelings are dismissed he didn’t even care that I was upset seeing hook up on his phone. It wasn’t like I had to go rooting one swipe and it was there ( I don’t think he realised that deleting your calendar doesn’t delete the notifications.