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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long sorry... Just in shock - need the collective expertise of Mumsnet- DH and hook up site

159 replies

Tempnamelady · 12/09/2020 18:38

Before I hark back to previous posts and advice I’ve been given on here, I really need some advice/info from those more IT technically proficient than me before I jump to conclusions. More of the rest later.
DH out cycling earlier, left his phone, no biggie usually does, he also commented earlier that he was going out and leaving it as it didn’t have much charge.
He isn’t glued to his phone , I know the unlock code. I’ve just been getting a bit of a vibe off him lately , things haven’t been great and you’ve all offered your take on it which was appreciated. Anyway.. I swiped Left on his phone and a calendar entry came up for today it said ‘Sex hook up 3.6 miles from your location and a time this afternoon’ After nearly dropping the phone in shock I tried to open it and it said it couldn’t open as the Calendar app had been deleted. As I said I’m not great with tech but thinking about it , I reinstalled the calendar app in his phone ( I have since deleted it again and he himself isn’t a great tech person so even if you could tell he wouldn’t notice). Anyway a load of notifications/times ( only in last few days) came up ,they were from Thursday to today . Basically local women looking for sex hook ups some of it was pretty graphic with locations and times . There’s a website mentioned called ( cringe) banglocals.com and Something called Https:anamuel-careslie.com which seems to be some sort of url link to porn hook up websites.

So nothing before Thurs that I could see and nothing after today.

Right this is where I need your advice and expertise, at the moment I’m pretty shaky and churning but trying to stay calm as DS and his girlfriend are here, DH at the pub. Does this mean he has signed up to a hook up site? Do you think he has deleted his calendar deliberately knowing I do see his phone on occasion? I am sure he wouldn’t know that the entries would still come up on swipe even if he deleted his calendar app, he’s not that tech savvy. I can’t understand why you would delete your calendar app, it’s kind of standard isn’t it? I did use to use mine a bit though I rely on Alexa for reminders these days. He wouldn’t use a calendar app for anything like appointments etc.

Can this thing ever just accidentally end up on your phone, I’m guessing not but I don’t want to look like a complete tit if they can. I am trying to keep my powder dry and will be able to get his phone again tomorrow as no doubt he will be out on his bike at some point. If it’s legit then he’s fucking history, we’ve had some pretty big issues of late and things aren’t great anyway but if he was even contemplating using a site to meet women then I’m gone. I will be fine , I am not at all dependent on him, I have a successful career, a lovely adult DS, tons of friends and money in the bank.

But before I get ahead of myself , if anyone can offer any advice on whether this means he has signed up and anything else I can do to get proof if he is on site/s then I’d be really really grateful.

I think I need a drink.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 22:14

He has to use hook up sites and porn or he will commit suicide. And if he did it would be your fault.

Riiiiight.

Lovey, he is a garden variety common manipulative wanker. Open your eyes.

TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 22:16

What you do is leave the relationship. It is almost comedic the lies and excuses he comes up with. When you have some distance from him you will be shocked at the memory of the load of stupid old bollocks you accepted from him

Original poster
Tempnamelady · 14/09/2020 22:18

Don’t get me wrong I think the hook up stuff getting onto his phone was accidental but it’s the relinquishing of responsibility and normalisation of the porn after After we’ve been through that has floored me . I just don’t see a way past that. We have been married for 23 years....

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 22:22

The suicide threats would be the deal breaker for me.

What conversation is he having with DS? Surely not about how he has to use porn a lot and if mum shows any upset he will kill himself.

Original poster
Tempnamelady · 14/09/2020 22:25

DS is 21 and the most mature level headed kid you could hope to meet, but the thought of him knowing about this kind of thing is beyond the pale for me.

I was on here a few weeks ago about a nasty incident we had at home and funny enough someone said a suicide threat was probably in the offing.

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 15/09/2020 00:29

@Tempnamelady

DS is 21 and the most mature level headed kid you could hope to meet, but the thought of him knowing about this kind of thing is beyond the pale for me.

I was on here a few weeks ago about a nasty incident we had at home and funny enough someone said a suicide threat was probably in the offing.

That threat in response to something most people would find a dealbreaker or worrying is the mark of a master manipulator. And he's pulled that game on his own son?! Wow. I mean he sounds like a misogynist cunt to me but I obviously don't know him.

All that matters really, because it's all you can control, is how you feel. How you feel really. Not how you think you should feel / wish you would feel.

He sounds like a dick most people wouldn't want to be with. It's ok if you feel that way too.

SoulofanAggron · 15/09/2020 00:57

He sounds very manipulative OP and he's using his MH/suicide threats as a 'get out of jail free' card for any behaviour. I still think this is something he signed up for to some extent, or at the very least he's trying to distract from everything he's doing by using these threats.

Involving your son is awful- who's the father and who's the son here? Even if he's a well adjusted young man, he doesn't need this shit. Getting your son involved is part of the manipulation in some way and shows that he only cares about himself, over even his own child's well being.

I was on here a few weeks ago about a nasty incident we had at home and funny enough someone said a suicide threat was probably in the offing.

So there's more. Sad Sad Sad

Original poster
Tempnamelady · 15/09/2020 06:44

I’ve stayed in bed while he leaves for work. I’m debating leaving for a few days to give myself some breathing space though with work it’s a bit problematic.

What there also isn’t is any acknowledgment of how I might have felt when I saw all that on his phone, semi innocent or otherwise. And that a counsellor advocating ‘controlled’ use of porn ( would they do that? ) is a green light even when he knows how much it has upset me in the past due to how ill it made him.

He also threw in that I have never understood or been supportive of his condition , which might be true to an extent , but then it’s hard to have sympathy with someone who at Xmas couldn’t manage a holiday with me but managed to go to the pub every night and then come home pop a sleeping pill and sleep while I was downstairs seething. For years I have literally planned my life round his regular nights out, managed to hold down a series of demanding jobs, one which entailed regular working away when DS was small and caring for DS whilst keeping things ticking over at home.

We have had a number of significant fallouts over the years that would see most people call time, but I have always been conscious of maintaining a family set up for DS but I don’t feel as though that is a good enough reason to stay anymore. I’ve basically been made to feel like I have overreacted but it’s the concealment and dishonesty, complete lack of ownership and the ramping up of threats to kill himself which have taken this to another level for me.

OP posts:
Frannibananni · 15/09/2020 06:55

Porn sites send emails to email addresses of people who have just been watching and not even signed up to anything. I would be inclined to think it’s innocent at this stage. Who knows maybe the calendar app never existed at all on his phone it’s just all part of the scam.

Frannibananni · 15/09/2020 07:03

Fuck sorry, I thought I had read the whole thread. Do you have someone you trust to talk to or can you go see a therapist or someone yourself just to help get everything straight in your head ( not that I think you need therapy) but I think DH has the potential to be a manipulative cunt to get what he wants.

Original poster
Tempnamelady · 15/09/2020 07:37

I don’t want to bother anyone with this, I find the whole porn thing mortifying. I think I can sum up how I feel in that I understand that OCD/mental health issues may well be at the root of The issues DH but I am not willing to live with the consequences of those issues, so explosions of temper ( in the past less so now) , suicide threats, moderately excessive drinking and selfishness and this porn use and deception.

I know my problem is that I am very soft and can’t bear to see anyone upset , especially DH/DS but I also think that by rolling over AGAIN to keep the status quo that the one losing out is me.

Right better start work. I do appreciate all views and any advice. It helps a lot.

OP posts:
MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 15/09/2020 07:37

Oh yeah I remember this man. Selfish AF. LTB.

TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 07:40

Let's imagine the counsellor did tell him using some porn won't affect his mental health.

Why does that mean you have to tolerate living with someone who is an utter dick to you?

TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 07:48

The porn is not the problem. You seem fixated on it.

You have your issues backwards.

explosions of temper ( in the past less so now) , suicide threats, moderately excessive drinking and selfishness and this porn use and deception.

These are the problem. He may or may not also have OCD or MH issues. Most people with those conditions don't behave like utter bastards.

Can you yet get your head round the idea that he is not a poor ickle troubled man? He is an utter bastard who happens to have some MH issues, which isn't surprising for an utter bastard.

You need your own counsellor.

LilyLongJohn · 15/09/2020 07:55

Regardless of the porn, ocd etc he sounds incredibly selfish and self centred, but once have a heard that he's either apologetic or asked concerned about your wellbeing. In your shoes op I'd be looking for a fresh start away from all this shit he brings with him.

Original poster
Tempnamelady · 15/09/2020 19:59

So he’s gone from sad to hostile Sad and is downstairs drinking on the sofa . I can’t stand the atmosphere and this is where I have always backed down in the past. He said he will tell people that we are splitting because he has MH issues and I can’t cope with them , making me look bad.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 20:18

It is OK to answer "OK" to him when he says he will tell people you are a big meanie poo and wee head.

newnameforthis123 · 15/09/2020 20:20

@Tempnamelady

So he’s gone from sad to hostile Sad and is downstairs drinking on the sofa . I can’t stand the atmosphere and this is where I have always backed down in the past. He said he will tell people that we are splitting because he has MH issues and I can’t cope with them , making me look bad.
Even if that was true it would be a perfectly understandable reason for a couple to split! Don't let what other people think of you dictate the rest of your life by keeping you in an unhappy relationship. You said it yourself - this is "usually" where you'd change your mind. He's manipulative. It doesn't matter if that comes from a place of illness or not, your own mental health is hugely suffering in this relationship. If people have the nerve to question you say that. "The relationship was bad for both of us mental health wise so one of us needed to make the decision for both of us."
TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 20:20

Get to a solicitor. Stop talking to angry loser sex wanker. He does not have to agree to the split. 90% of breakups wouldn't happen if both parties had to agree to it. Ignore him get on with the logistics of the split.

Original poster
Tempnamelady · 15/09/2020 20:34

He is going away with a couple of his close childhood mates on thurs for a night ( to our caravan ) I expect he will tell them and maybe that’s a good thing.

What I haven’t heard one since this all happened is him saying sorry if saying he loves me or doesn’t want to lose me.

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 15/09/2020 20:39

Don't back down. I would stay out of his way as much as possible - can you sleep in a different room? When he's away on Thursday you will have some breathing space to plan further.

TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 21:02

He won't tell them. He expects you to cave.

Original poster
Tempnamelady · 15/09/2020 21:32

@WinterSunglasses, I’m in the spare room. I might got to my pals on Saturday. He will be out tomorrow and Friday.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 16/09/2020 07:56

My husbands mental health affected our marriage hugely in various forms including emotional affairs.

I thought people would judge me for ending our marriage because 'poor him, he has mental health issues and she should put up with it' but you know what, everyone said they were surprised i hadnt left earlier/didnt know how i coped for so long.

Some even said how much happier i was after i left, i thought i hid how crap my marriage was but i clearly didnt.

No one is going to judge you and if they do then they are not worth it, until they have walked a mile in your shoes they shouldnt comment.

You'll be surprised how many people already know how bad your marriage is.

My husband (now ex) has attempted suicide loads of times but no one has blamed me, each time was his decision and i had no part in it.

AnotherEmma · 16/09/2020 08:06

"explosions of temper ( in the past less so now) , suicide threats, moderately excessive drinking and selfishness and this porn use and deception."

LTB

He sounds selfish and manipulative at best, abusive at worst.

This particular incident is almost irrelevant in light of the bigger picture. Although his reaction to you raising your concerns is very telling.

Please LTB.