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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I wrong ?? Need a urgent Rant!!

143 replies

AllTheWayUp · 12/09/2020 14:45

Me & my partner have been together for donkeys years and we share a child together and live together.

We both work, and have good positions. I pay for all the house bills and he pays for his other house which is rented. I have always been an advocate to help others or family if they need it, so long as we at least share it with each other as we are suppose to be a family and we have childcare etc.

We recently got engaged and were suppose to get married but had to put on hold due to Covid. Those months leading to my wedding were the worst as we didn't have money (what I believed) at hand for what it cost and wedding was close and therefore I was forced to downsize to a lot and have what seemed like a family dinner rather than a wedding.

(Not the first time) I recently find out he has been sending lots of money or paying for house hold bills for his mothers house and I am the last to find out by accident. This really upsets me and only makes me want to react negative.

His mother asked to borrow a lot of money for her mortgage and he agreed without talking with me first. My issue here now is, how is she ever going to pay him back when he pays for things in her house, where did he have this money hiding when we really needed/ still need it! I know he had a savings for our child but what it looks like is that saving is coming out to fulfil a luxury for his mother while I have to pay minimum payment every month to cover the debt that he has helped to create.. what is hurting me a lot is how important our wedding is to me, and he saw me cry and stress all that time that we didn't have the money yet now all the sudden is ok to give thousands of pounds for someone else's home!

Am I wrong here ??

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2020 14:50

You're not wrong and you would be a fool to marry him. Do not marry this man. He has clearly showed you where his priorities lie, and they are not with you and your child.

ColleagueFromMars · 12/09/2020 14:52

I'm not clear if you've married him yet. If not - then don't. He's hiding significant money from you when you're supposed to be a team. He's letting you build needless debt in your name. NO.

doopdeepduup · 12/09/2020 14:54

I would not legally tie myself to this man

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2020 14:54

Oh shit... I reread your post and it seems you did get married? Is this true?

TicTac80 · 12/09/2020 14:56

Please don't marry him. He's syphoning money off to give to his family, whilst leaving you in the shit. If you marry him, he'll ruin you financially

Elieza · 12/09/2020 15:02

I’m a bit confused.

So you live in a house and you pay all the bills. And he is renting another house and pays all the bills for that? I don’t understand. Do you mean he had his bachelor house from before and rents it out, in which case the person renting should cover those costs? I don’t understand why he’s paying for another house he doesn’t live in.

And then there is the mother’s house that he’s paying for too basically?

I think it’s nice to try and help his mother and it’s fair to suggest that money will never be repaid.

However if you are having to scrimp while he is squirrelling away money into a secret savings account that does not seem fair.

You are a partnership and these things need to be discussed.

Do a credit check on yourself and see what’s on it. You could find that he’s taken on a loan in your name or something and that’s where the money for the mother came from?

Fair enough if you both have the opportunity to save and what he chooses to do with his personal savings is his business, but you shouldn’t be expected to pick up the slack.

Opentooffers · 12/09/2020 15:03

Why has he still got another house if you've been living together donkeys years? I think you'll find that the rent he gets from the other house more than covers the upkeep of it, otherwise there would be no point in having it as it would be a bad investment. I think you'll find that while you've been paying out for all the bills on your home, he's not had to spend a penny that isn't covered by the rent, and most likely making money on it. So by you paying for everything, what you've done is allowed him to save quit a bit, which he's since given to his Mum. Basically, it's you that is helping him to fund his mother. He's ripping you off, and incurring more debt, you'd be better off getting him to move back to his other house and getting him to pay you child support. On no account marry him. Why are you paying debts that he has made anyway - hope you don't share a credit card, as that would be madness!

Suzi888 · 12/09/2020 15:05

“he pays for his other house which is rented.”
What?Confused

AllTheWayUp · 12/09/2020 15:08

I have not married him yet.

I feel so stuck sometimes. He has more money than me and I guess that makes him feel like he can do what he wants without talking with me. He has what I call luxury money while I am left with barely anything after I pay all my household bills.

Don't get me wrong he does help me if I need it help. However, when it came to our potential wedding he all the sudden didn't have it but now he does to pay thousands for another mortgage that's not even ours.

I feel so stupid and a joke that I am the last to find out always and then he argues with me to avoid talking more about it. Constantly making me feel like I am the bad one and I am wrong. Honestly, if she was dying of hunger, and when she lost her job, I encourage him to help her for that time.

He loves our child and gives her everything - however, I am starting to feel like I am so low priority these days that it's like it doesn't matter what I say or think anymore. Frankly, I feel depressed inside, but I'm far too jealous to let him go and see him he with someone else. He has also threatened to take my daughter if I was the one to leave or if I got with someone else.

It's so sad how someone can have two sides to a personality.

OP posts:
AllTheWayUp · 12/09/2020 15:12

My bad for the confusion, I am pissed while typing.

He lived alone before we had a child. That house is now being rented by someone else. Again, even that was decided with his mother.

I have my own house in my name, and I pay for everything here.

OP posts:
EvilPea · 12/09/2020 15:12

Hang on

So he’s living with you rent free? Whilst you pay all your household bills?
Mean while he’s renting his house out? So presumably the rent is covering the costs on that one (or close to it)

So what is he paying?

EvilPea · 12/09/2020 15:14

Oh my god. No wonder he has more money than you. What an absolute cock lodger, this isn’t right or fair. He’s got life pretty bloody cushty hasn’t he?
Don’t marry him.
What does he do for your daughter? Does he cover any of her costs?

SuzieCarmichael · 12/09/2020 15:17

Of course he’s got more money than you. You’re paying for everything. Chuck him out ffs.

AllTheWayUp · 12/09/2020 15:18

I am not a perfect person and I try my best. Anything luxury we want to have, he will pay as I can't really afford it. He gives my child everything and anything she wants. Which is fine.

He uses my mistakes to make me feel like I am a bad person and argues I make up things in my head to try out things in him so I can have something to use against him. However, it's all facts as far as I am concerned.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2020 15:20

Frankly, I feel depressed inside, but I'm far too jealous to let him go and see him he with someone else.

Come on, now. You have more self-respect that to stay with this horrible man surely?

He has also threatened to take my daughter if I was the one to leave or if I got with someone else.

He is talking complete and utter shit. He would not be able to take your child. You want to be with a man who threatens you so viciously like this?

EvilPea · 12/09/2020 15:21

So he’s also gas lighting you?

He doesn’t sound very nice

AnnaFour · 12/09/2020 15:23

So his mortgage on his place is being covered i assume by the rent. And you pay for everything at the house he shares with you? is that right? if so uh, wtf?!! Why would you pay his expenses while he has togs other property and doesn’t contribute?

AllTheWayUp · 12/09/2020 15:28

He does food shopping if that accounts at all.

Since he casually hands out money without talking with me first. I am going to ask him to pay all my debt first.

It sounds really bad, I guess where I have been with him so long, I have learned to rely on him a lot in the past. Everyday I am learning and I am trying to build myself more and more. In fact, I am making plans to get a new house and really want to grow and glow all on my own.

OP posts:
DumpedByText · 12/09/2020 15:28

You still haven't clarified if he contributes anything towards your house if he lives with you.

If he doesn't he's a cocklodger abd you need to get rid. How can he expect to live in your house and pay no bills etc

You are being taken for a mug!

LoeliaPonsonby · 12/09/2020 15:32

Cocklodger. Mumsnet needs an icon for it, it’s right up there with LTB. He’s playing you for a fool, no wonder he’s got more money than you!

AllTheWayUp · 12/09/2020 15:34

I have direct debits set up every month to cover me. We went through a really really horrible time and we separated and he went and rented a very luxury place and refused to help me with bills and said my family should help me - he was mad because if was technically my fault why we broke up.

We got back and everything was dandy and nice. I now have a great job, and I like to pay for my own way so that I have evidence that I can make a living on my own in case he ever feels he's got one on me.

Back to the post - I am angry because when it came to paying our wedding which was going to happen to quick, we didn't have time to save (well me) all the sudden he is ok to splash thousands on his mums mortgage but wanted my family to pay for it because of tradition (when it suits him) my family don't have that kind of money. Communication is key and the fact he doesn't communicate over money, is something that everyday is making me more and more angry.

OP posts:
Itsrainingnotmen · 12/09/2020 15:35

How can he marry you when his commitment is to another - his dm...?
You /your opinions will never be his priority op.
Personally I would marry him then take him for half of everything..

AllTheWayUp · 12/09/2020 15:36

I feel kind of bad bitching about him but I feel much better that others can also agree It's not all up in my head

OP posts:
Palavah · 12/09/2020 15:36

Please do not marry this man. He is scrounging off you and making you feel bad for wanting a partnership.

He is not being honest with you.

SBTLove · 12/09/2020 15:41

You pay everything for the house all 3 of you live in.
He has a house he rents out = costs him nothing.
So basically he’s living free of charge whilst his tenant pays his mortgage.
Watches you struggle and stress whilst sitting on £1000s which he gave to his mother.
He brings nothing here, get him out your house and get CM off him.
This isn’t a partnership, do NOT marry him.

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