Am I wrong ?? Need a urgent Rant!!

[AllTheWayUp]

Me & my partner have been together for donkeys years and we share a child together and live together.

We both work, and have good positions. I pay for all the house bills and he pays for his other house which is rented. I have always been an advocate to help others or family if they need it, so long as we at least share it with each other as we are suppose to be a family and we have childcare etc.

We recently got engaged and were suppose to get married but had to put on hold due to Covid. Those months leading to my wedding were the worst as we didn't have money (what I believed) at hand for what it cost and wedding was close and therefore I was forced to downsize to a lot and have what seemed like a family dinner rather than a wedding.

(Not the first time) I recently find out he has been sending lots of money or paying for house hold bills for his mothers house and I am the last to find out by accident. This really upsets me and only makes me want to react negative.

His mother asked to borrow a lot of money for her mortgage and he agreed without talking with me first. My issue here now is, how is she ever going to pay him back when he pays for things in her house, where did he have this money hiding when we really needed/ still need it! I know he had a savings for our child but what it looks like is that saving is coming out to fulfil a luxury for his mother while I have to pay minimum payment every month to cover the debt that he has helped to create.. what is hurting me a lot is how important our wedding is to me, and he saw me cry and stress all that time that we didn't have the money yet now all the sudden is ok to give thousands of pounds for someone else's home!

Am I wrong here ??

I am not just wanting to marry him because I am too jealous and don't want to see him with someone else. I am not that daft! I have invested years with this person, I also have a child with him and frankly I love him a lot so I can't just up and leave. There are far more worse situations and people manage to fix things

OK it's clear you have made your decision, and none of us on here has any visibility or control on your future.

However, do please a t least be aware you have fallen into the trap of "sunk cost fallacy", you believe you've invested too much already to walk away and call it quits. It's exactly what gambling addicts do, they keep backing that losing horse, but somehow believe that if they keep spending more and more somehow it will be worth that investment. And then they realise when they are 000's down, hmm maybe I should have walked away when I was only a little bit down, but now I will be in debt for 20 years.

By mistakenly believing that all you need to do is just make more and more effort (because of course, it's only your effort that will sort this out, right?) it will all work out.

And this man could promise you the moon on a stick, and may even modify his behaviour, for a while until the novelty wears off and he knows you've invested more and more years (your best years) by then you will have painted yourself into a corner.

Pulling off the sticky plaster hurts like fuck for a short time, but then it's done, and you move on and heal. This way, it will be death by a thousand cuts.

Your his best ally because you'll always find ways to excuse him, and he can fold his arms and do nothing. He doesn't need to take action until he needs to, so why bother, is his attitude.

Well, all the best turning this one around. You'll need all the excuses you can find.

Details aside this is all about self worth and you are choosing to settle for something which deep down you know isn’t right and is damaging you. In some way you perceive him to be meeting some needs in you...loneliness, attention....this is really about you and you need to examine why you are staying in the situation. Fairly obviously for those hearing the story and the emotional abuse it’s an unhealthy situation. People don’t change when another is enabling them to stay right where they are.

Get married if you like - which it seems you do.

He is never going to change - why would he? He's happy with the status quo.

You will never come first, or even particularly high on his list of priorities. But you are apparently ok with that.

You will never be able to trust him, because you know he is willing to lie by ommission. But you are apparently ok with that.

You are sacrificing your future because you've spent a long time making this mistake. The 'Sunk costs fallacy'

You are calling it love. But he chose to pay his mother rather than put money to the wedding. Doesn't sound very loving to me.

It's so sad that you don't value yourself more highly. Single is vastly preferable to an unequal yoking.

You need way more luck than I could possibly wish you, but good luck anyway.

I am sorry you value yourself and your child so poorly. This is such a sad situation - he doesn’t love you or he would prioritise you and share with you. It isn’t something that should need a little chat, a decent human being and a decent partner and decent father wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing.

What a nice place the internet is to have everyone put you more down than you are already are feeling.

I hope no ones world is anymore lonelier than mine is at the moment. Honestly, if my child weren't alive, I constantly wonder how good life would be on the other side.

Thank you regardless.

He has agreed and is putting money to cover my debts and costs

As he hasn’t contributed, they are his debts and his costs - not yours

What a nice place the internet is to have everyone put you more down than you are already are feeling

OP people posting here to you, are doing so, because they have experience, and can see clearer into your situation, an outside view with no emotional connection. Nobody wishes you to be treated badly financially or emotionally. We support and advise and hopefully all ends safely and happily. Please don't think you are alone, someone is always here night and day 🌺

I am not just wanting to marry him because I am too jealous that’s NOT why we’re saying don’t marry him!

Marrying him binds you AND your assets to him legally and financially and he’s already ripping you off.

I have invested years with this person, I also have a child with him and frankly I love him a lot so I can't just up and leave.

Read up on “sunk costs fallacy”

There are far more worse situations and people manage to fix things and those people would also be better advised to end those relationships.

Why do you value yourself and your assets that you’ve worked hard to accumulate so little?

He is is not a horrible person trust me no abuser is horrible all the time but his actions are showing that he’s only “nice” when things are working in his favour

You say poor communication - what’s actually happening is he’s deceiving you, lying by omission.

I like to pay for own stuff because it makes me feel independent and responsible for myself. that’s laudable but you’re not just paying YOUR way you’re paying his too.

You can give him a second chance WITHOUT taking the risks you would by marrying him.

If you marry without being sure you can trust him - not just from feeling it, from wanting to - but proven by his long term actions then there is every possibility you could end up going through a very difficult divorce where you lose a significant portion of those assets.

Do you REALLY want to risk that when you don’t even honestly know what his finances are? You would be very foolish to do this

In years to come, OP will look back on all this advice, and wish she acted

I think it’s extremely likely that if she marries this freeloader she will massively regret it

Single is vastly preferable to an unequal yoking absolutely!

I’m long term single myself following divorce and quite honestly I truly believe we need to stop feeding our daughters the “happily ever after” bullshit and ensure that they know that happy singledom is entirely possible and certainly preferable to propping up a disrespectful freeloader!

Seriously!

Sit down and write down in black and white how much your bills are, half them and multiply by how long you’ve been subbing him.

I’m pretty sure you’ll find that figure makes a big dent in “your” debt or even outdoes it!

We aren't the ones putting you down!

We're advising you to value and protect yourself, your child, your assets and your future

We have the benefit of a lot of life experience - I'm 48 I've been through marriage, divorce, single parenthood, illness, disability, homelessness...

And I'm sure other respondents have been through tons too and like me also seen others coming unstuck in various situations.

You have a wealth of life experience to draw on from we pps on this thread - ignore that at your peril

@AllTheWayUp

What a nice place the internet is to have everyone put you more down than you are already are feeling.

I hope no ones world is anymore lonelier than mine is at the moment. Honestly, if my child weren't alive, I constantly wonder how good life would be on the other side.

Thank you regardless.

Perhaps, consider instead that people have taken time out of their day to give you genuine advice based on their personal experiences. You may not like the observations being made, but at least recognise that they come from a place of solidarity and truth rather than people wanting to be negative. We could always say what a lovely guy he is and you're being so unfair to him, if you want us to say what you want to hear, but how would that really help?

Sadly your own family don't seem to be there for you, they should be giving you this guidance, but they can't be bothered from what you've said.

Ultimately you have to make decisions for yourself, whatever anyone here says, you can be the architect of your own happiness, or misery.

I would also consider OP, you say you love him, but does he love you enough?

I'm shocked reading this, he's taking you for a complete fool, I'm sorry to be blunt. He's obviously complacent where you are concerned as you been together so long. Bin him off ASAP and spread your wings.

Oh and he will need to start coughing up a decent wedge towards your child.

everyone put you more down than you are already are feeling

Genuine question OP, why do you think you were feeling down in the first place, honestly?

We are all desperately trying to put across to you what a parasite this fucker is and you're making excuses for him.

Anyone who needs it spelling out to them that they shouldn't be hiding family money, and that they should be contributing 50/50 is NOT a good person.

I hope to god that you would be honest with yourself about the reasons you are unhappy, and the type of man he truly is.

You CAN have all you want in life for you and your child but you won't with this leech pulling you down and sucking you dry.

You said before that when you fell out he went and rented a place, can I ask the reason why that happened?

As for taking your child off you - laughable.

He hasn't got a hope in hell unless.....

A. You have a drug or alcohol problem
B. You have a mental illness for which you refuse treatment, and as a result are a risk to the child
C. There is ongoing neglect or harm of the child, (this would have to be proven, lies and accusations won't wash)
D. You cannot financially meet the child's basic needs i.e an unstable residence etc.

He really is an absolute cunt, shame his intelligence only extends to low cunning.

Prick.

* you cannot meet the child's basic needs *

That wasn't a statement OP point D should read the previous..

OP,
Read your own words.
I'm so sorry you feel lonely, but why are you feeling like that?
Why are you feeling like that and still marrying this man?
If you feel lonely now, by God you will feel even worse and so stuck if you do marry him.

We are trying tonhelp you see that he is not a good man, father or husband material.

Don't marry out of fear.

Frankly, I feel depressed inside

OP, these are your words, in your OP before anyone else posted. All we’ve done is point out what you already know deep down to be true, otherwise you wouldn’t have posted.
None of us want you to be unhappy, so please heed what we’ve said. Big changes aren’t easy or painless, but they need to be made so that you and your child can have a happier and better life.

Aw your last post made me feel sad, I hope you are okay. I know some replies can seem harsh but people are just trying to make you understand your worth. No family man would want his partner paying all the bills to prove a point that they can, it’s great that you CAN but you shouldn’t HAVE TO to prove a point you can cope alone,
Especially if your getting married?? He’s watching you struggling While not only living rent free he will be earning money off his other property as it’s Rare that rent costs less than a mortgage payment. Imagine having all your wages to yourself! Wow wee he pays for stuff for his own child now and then, so he bloody should! And the food shopping, well unless you drinking champagne and eating cavier for every meal I don’t think that’s breaking his bank! If you plan on saying with him you need to sit him down and change the financial situation and state that he simply needs to pay 50% towards the house hold bills or don’t live there, simple. There’s 3 people living in your home but your the only 1 paying? Not on. His mother needs to grow up aswel, she shouldn’t be asking for money off him knowing you were saving for a wedding. I feel for you, please don’t be disheartened by anything you read, women just don’t like to see other women being taken advantage of. All the best x