Am I wrong ?? Need a urgent Rant!!

[AllTheWayUp]

Me & my partner have been together for donkeys years and we share a child together and live together.

We both work, and have good positions. I pay for all the house bills and he pays for his other house which is rented. I have always been an advocate to help others or family if they need it, so long as we at least share it with each other as we are suppose to be a family and we have childcare etc.

We recently got engaged and were suppose to get married but had to put on hold due to Covid. Those months leading to my wedding were the worst as we didn't have money (what I believed) at hand for what it cost and wedding was close and therefore I was forced to downsize to a lot and have what seemed like a family dinner rather than a wedding.

(Not the first time) I recently find out he has been sending lots of money or paying for house hold bills for his mothers house and I am the last to find out by accident. This really upsets me and only makes me want to react negative.

His mother asked to borrow a lot of money for her mortgage and he agreed without talking with me first. My issue here now is, how is she ever going to pay him back when he pays for things in her house, where did he have this money hiding when we really needed/ still need it! I know he had a savings for our child but what it looks like is that saving is coming out to fulfil a luxury for his mother while I have to pay minimum payment every month to cover the debt that he has helped to create.. what is hurting me a lot is how important our wedding is to me, and he saw me cry and stress all that time that we didn't have the money yet now all the sudden is ok to give thousands of pounds for someone else's home!

Am I wrong here ??

I have had such an overwhelming day, I am reading all your comments and a lot things make sense.

So I took the courage and I spoke with him and put it so straight to him about how I feel, how things have been run and what I want changed. We argued for a while and he kept bringing up he buys food for the house but that's not enough and fair enough if I have needed money, he has always given it but that's still not the point.

We came out with an agreement, and he is going to now he transferring money every month to cover and help me. I had an outburst and told him I feel so depressed and that I feel like no matter what I do, it's not enough. I told him to stop acting so defensive and bias all the time. After an overwhelming couple of hours, we hugged and it was ok.

Then 1 your later, he turns and says I can't believe you had the guts to ask me that, as if I am trying to hustle him! Telling me how it changes the whole dynamic of the relationship now and making me feel bad. I made clear that I am not after your money and that I am not trying to be secretive and steal of you, I have never done that and I was with him when he had nothing, and I probably liked him more than because that when people are the most humble!

He's mad inside that he thinks I am suggesting he does nothing for me, but it's so tiring and my throat hurts to try and get anything across him.

As a conclusion, he will be putting money for the house now but his communication skills and it's like his man ego is hurt is just causing me such a migraine.

Also to clarify, I don't actually drink but I meant pissed as in angry not pissed off my head lol

You poor woman OP.

I really, truly feel sorry for you.

Such an absolute waster, who has free loaded for years, and now you are going to marry him and hand him 50% of your house and security.🙄

Heartbreaking to read ,..... women like you just can't be helped.

He's a real horror, ....but you just won't get it until you are totally fleeced.🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Sure god help you.

1 - believe it when you see it!

2 - “and help me” wtf!! No! It’s not “helping” it’s paying his bloody way!

as if I am trying to hustle him!

He’s the one conning you!

DO NOT MARRY HIM

Frankly at this point you should be showing him the door!

Utterly disgraceful behaviour by him!

OP It's my guess that you took him by surprise and he has said things to calm you down and get you off his back.

Find out what properties he owns. Find out if he is in debt, because if he is, then he will be looking to you to compensate for it.

Find out what the financial situation is regarding his house, and find out who owns his mother's house.

You need to know so you know what to do. Even if everything is above board you need peace of mind.

He's not an honest man; he will never be honest with you.

He might pay for a couple of weeks/months but he'll stop and the excuses will be endless. He will guilt trip you.

You really would be better off without him.

DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!!!!!!

You have your own house which you've paid for, he doesn't contribute a bean to it. When you marry he is entitled to half. He already treats you low priority.

Dear god woman, do not marry this man!!!!!!!!!!!!

he transferring money every month to cover and help me

No! He is transferring money to pay his own way. It’s not helping you at all. He lives there. He pays.

Oh OP you still don't get it do you.

Ok. My impressions reading all of this is that you need to be very very careful. Do NOT marry, if you do, he could claim half your house. This man is a liar and deceptive. He’s giving money away and you’ve been the last to find out. He has massively disrespected you.

He is tying you in knots with all of the emotional stuff. You need to stop getting upset and thinking about his emotions and trying to explain/justify why you are a good person. None of that matters. Think like an accountant. Follow these steps. Write it down on paper.

1. How long has he lived in your house. How many months?
2. What is the monthly cost of your mortgage and bills?
3. Divide that figure by 2.
4. That is his “share” of historic costs.
5. Look at that figure
6. That is what he owes you.
7. You write that figure down on a piece of paper and give it to him and say you expect the money transferred within 7 days.
8. You then present him with an invoice for each months cost in the same way you’ve done here

That’s it. End of. There’s no discussion. There’s no accusation. There’s no gaslighting. There’s no tantrums. There’s no justifications. He pays or he leaves. You also make it clear that even if he leaves you will be chasing him through small claims court for his debt to you.

You aren’t his keeper. You didn’t sign up to keep him. He’s taking the piss out of you and any comeback from him you say “the gravy train is over. You are financially deceptive. Pay what you owe or go”

Until you can stand up for yourself this relationship should not continue. You are with a dishonest, nasty man. Think of it like this, every month he doesn’t pay his share is money he is taking from your child. Why should he get the benefit of cost free living?

Work out that figure and write it down and it might make it clearer to you how badly you’ve been treated. He’s actually really disgusting. You deserve better than being taken advantage of like this

In fact, do one more step. Work out what he owes and write it down here. Confront it. Only by not avoiding it can you start to change things.

Kick him out.

He is angry you have sussed him.

He has paid for food - that he eats half of!!!!

What about his half of:
Council tax (you would have single person discount without him)
Gas
Electric
Water
Childcare
Wear and tear on the house
Broadband
Any TV package

He is getting his mortgage paid off by someone else living in his house whilst he stays for free in yours... he should be paying to occupy your place as that is what enables him to rent his out!

He knows exactly what he's done by living of you he has loads of money to spend on what he wants and look the generous man...

@AllTheWayUp

I feel kind of bad bitching about him but I feel much better that others can also agree It's not all up in my head

Said kindly, but honestly ffs can't you see how out of control this situation is.

I don't know where to start so perhaps the best place is, please don't marry this arsehole and drag your life down. Get the hell out, and rebuild your life from there.

but his communication skills and it's like his man ego is hurt

Ever wonder why he does this? Notice how it gets you tied up in knots, worrying that you are being 'grabby' and ' expecting too much'. From a man who is living for free in your house while renting out his own house.

Paying for the food, of which he eats half, is so not a fair share of the costs for him. He needs something to distract you from that simple fact. And wow, is he good at redirecting your attention.

That's why it's all about his ego and nothing about yours. Because you are making the giants share of the costs. He is keeping his to himself.

This is not someone you would want your sister, friend of child to marry. Be kind to yourself, don't do it to your self.

He isn't 'helping' you it's called paying your way as a responsible adult; something men who aren't cocklodgers do without being forced to.

I said this in my first post but again...he rents out his place so there are no outgoings there, if anything the rent he receives will be higher than the mortgage and all bills are paid by the tenant.

You want to marry him because you're "too jealous to see him with someone else" (ridiculous tbf), and in doing so are giving him the key to fleecing you further.

I agree with @billy1966 - you can't be helped.

Cant help those who wont help themselves.

I know a lot of people are saying do not marry this person and of course everyone is entitled to their opinions.

I am not just wanting to marry him because I am too jealous and don't want to see him with someone else. I am not that daft! I have invested years with this person, I also have a child with him and frankly I love him a lot so I can't just up and leave. There are far more worse situations and people manage to fix things.

Believe me, I know what kind of person I am dealing with and maybe my post wasn't very definite and clear but I can't reply to every single post.

Just for clarification, yes I do pay for my own stuff and every month he has asked me if I am ok with money and if I need money, he also gives me his card to get what I need/ want, he also covers probably 90% of holidays costs when we are out. He is is not a horrible person trust me, I just think he needs re-direction that's all.

I know my setting and it is something we have spoken in the past about. Yes, he does food shopping and it may not be seen as entirely fair. However, he does contribute where needed/ where I have allowed him to.

When I posted, my issue was that his mum is getting a mortgage and without first consulting me, he agreed that he had the deposit and could borrow that - how she will pay that back, I don't know. Again, it's lack of communication because I would not have cared if we spoke about it and we can put things in place.

Secondly, another thing he wasn't honest about, was paying for something in his mums house which I didn't know about, and found out myself. Yes it's not fair but his mum had lost her job and couldn't afford things and again I would encourage him to help where he Can but again please communicate.

Thirdly, what I was really upset about was that it's possible he didn't see our wedding as a good investment to spend ££££ on whereas getting a mortgage is. That is of course a whole other discussion.

No one is perfect, and we have had our problems yes, but I have read what everyone has commented and trust me I have taken lots of things into consideration and as my last post mentioned, I did sit and talk with him and although it took a bit of an argument to get things across, things are ok.

I like to pay for own stuff because it makes me feel independent and responsible for myself. However, I am looking to buy a property and now I am in a position where I could do with some more cash. He has agreed and is putting money to cover my debts and costs.

With the secret money, I wasn't sure how much he has of it but I know it's saved for our child and I wasn't happy that he was going to take money out of that to invest in someone else's needs. However, after further discussion and proper communication, I am ok with it and of course there are others things that I can't just put on here.

However, I am not going to just pack up and move on or kick him out without first giving him a chance to redeem or re-direct his focus - yes to some I might be a mug but I believe people deserve a chance and I would want the same also.

Sometimes it takes losing someone or something to know how much it really means to you, and believe me we are all trying.

With the wedding, we are putting a plan together and we will make it happen with our own money.

He needs to be absolutely transparent financially and realise that it’s shared money when you marry.
He can’t just give away your money.

When you're living together and have a child together, all those expenses should be shared.

It's independent to be able to manage alone.
It's being a bloody mug to pay a full-grown adult man's share of living expenses on top as well.
He's been busily feathering his own nest with zero sense of accountability to you, while you've fallen into debt.
Savings allegedly "for your child", he's using like they're his own.

I didn't realise you were currently renting.

Why his he not paying half the rent when you live together?!!

This is insane!

So he rents out his home and you rent a home for his child to live in, and he doesn't contribute.

You couldn't make this up.

Unbelievable.🙄

billy1966 There's none so blind as those that will not see and the OP is one of them, you were right earlier OP can't be helped.

In years to come, OP will look back on all this advice, and wish she acted. 🌺

I like to pay for own stuff because it makes me feel independent and responsible for myself.

it's a darned pity your child's Father and life Partner does not share this ethic. 🌺

With the secret money, I wasn't sure how much he has of it but I know it's saved for our child and I wasn't happy that he was going to take money out of that to invest in someone else's needs. However, after further discussion and proper communication, I am ok with it and of course there are others things that I can't just put on here.

This says it all about how gullible you are OP - secret money that you don't know about but it is supposedly being saved up for your child and is now being used for something and someone else and you are now all fine and dandy with it because he's told you he's doing it. All whilst you are struggling juggling all the costs associated with your life.

If you share a life with someone you share the costs of that life, it's not helping it's the minimum required in a relationship.