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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I wrong ?? Need a urgent Rant!!

143 replies

AllTheWayUp · 12/09/2020 14:45

Me & my partner have been together for donkeys years and we share a child together and live together.

We both work, and have good positions. I pay for all the house bills and he pays for his other house which is rented. I have always been an advocate to help others or family if they need it, so long as we at least share it with each other as we are suppose to be a family and we have childcare etc.

We recently got engaged and were suppose to get married but had to put on hold due to Covid. Those months leading to my wedding were the worst as we didn't have money (what I believed) at hand for what it cost and wedding was close and therefore I was forced to downsize to a lot and have what seemed like a family dinner rather than a wedding.

(Not the first time) I recently find out he has been sending lots of money or paying for house hold bills for his mothers house and I am the last to find out by accident. This really upsets me and only makes me want to react negative.

His mother asked to borrow a lot of money for her mortgage and he agreed without talking with me first. My issue here now is, how is she ever going to pay him back when he pays for things in her house, where did he have this money hiding when we really needed/ still need it! I know he had a savings for our child but what it looks like is that saving is coming out to fulfil a luxury for his mother while I have to pay minimum payment every month to cover the debt that he has helped to create.. what is hurting me a lot is how important our wedding is to me, and he saw me cry and stress all that time that we didn't have the money yet now all the sudden is ok to give thousands of pounds for someone else's home!

Am I wrong here ??

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 12/09/2020 15:49

Agree with PP.
He is taking you for a mug! You are paying for his housing and living expenses whilst he rents out his place (the rent must cover those bills, surely).
Of course, he pays for things for your DD, he is her dad! You make out he is doing you a favour and being unnecessarily generous.
You are getting into debt, have no money for luxuries, whilst he has plenty to support his DM, WTF!

EvilPea · 12/09/2020 15:52

Why was the last split up technically your fault?
The fact he has enough money to rent a luxury pad, tells you all you need to know.

If you split, he would have to give you money for your daughter.

Well done for recognising you should be with someone who allows and supports you to grow. You’ve done better than me, you’ve bought a house, that’s a big deal. You’ve done incredibly well you should be very proud of that.

notapizzaeater · 12/09/2020 15:52

You'd be better off separated with him paying CMS. What does he actually bring to the relationship ?

BlueThistles · 12/09/2020 15:52

MUG

EvilPea · 12/09/2020 15:53

The only reason you should marry him is to divorce him and get half that house you’ve supported him in gaining equity in.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/09/2020 15:54

It doesn’t matter why he does what he does, the result is that you aren’t his priority.

You will gain nothing by marrying this one.

Mumoftwo1994 · 12/09/2020 15:56

@AllTheWayUp

Me & my partner have been together for donkeys years and we share a child together and live together.

We both work, and have good positions. I pay for all the house bills and he pays for his other house which is rented. I have always been an advocate to help others or family if they need it, so long as we at least share it with each other as we are suppose to be a family and we have childcare etc.

We recently got engaged and were suppose to get married but had to put on hold due to Covid. Those months leading to my wedding were the worst as we didn't have money (what I believed) at hand for what it cost and wedding was close and therefore I was forced to downsize to a lot and have what seemed like a family dinner rather than a wedding.

(Not the first time) I recently find out he has been sending lots of money or paying for house hold bills for his mothers house and I am the last to find out by accident. This really upsets me and only makes me want to react negative.

His mother asked to borrow a lot of money for her mortgage and he agreed without talking with me first. My issue here now is, how is she ever going to pay him back when he pays for things in her house, where did he have this money hiding when we really needed/ still need it! I know he had a savings for our child but what it looks like is that saving is coming out to fulfil a luxury for his mother while I have to pay minimum payment every month to cover the debt that he has helped to create.. what is hurting me a lot is how important our wedding is to me, and he saw me cry and stress all that time that we didn't have the money yet now all the sudden is ok to give thousands of pounds for someone else's home!

Am I wrong here ??

If you choose to stay with him that's your decision but do not marry him, I know as you say you don't have luxury money at the end of the month (I don't either) but you're paying for yourself so at least you don't need him.
RandomMess · 12/09/2020 16:00

You are MASSIVELY subsidising him...

He's a cocklodger!

KatharinaRosalie · 12/09/2020 16:06

He gives my child everything and anything she wants.

His child. Of course he should pay for his child.

As others have said, he does not sound like a nice man. And are from a different culture? You are adults, have a child - I don't know anybody whose parents paid for the entire wedding.

He lives in your house and you pay for everything and get into debt while he shares his money with his real family - his mum.

Opentooffers · 12/09/2020 16:06

And while you were split up and he refused to pay any bills, did he pay child maintenance? Or did he just abandon your child? You seem to feel guilty and avoiding making him pay for what is fair. He should be paying half your mortgage and bill's while living with you as a minimum, but more to the pot if he earns more.

LilyLongJohn · 12/09/2020 16:10

You need to sort this op. He's taking the piss big time

Chloemol · 12/09/2020 16:12

Why are you paying all the household bills? I know you said he is paying for his rented house, why is he asking to get out of the contract?

Sorry but then to then find out he is supporting his mother instead, that’s not going to change

Kick him back to his rented place get cms involved for maintenance and move on

Palavah · 12/09/2020 16:13

he was mad because if was technically my fault why we broke up.

What makes you say that it was your fault?

Did he pay for your child when you were separated?

I think you need to take this opportunity to get a full financial picture from him. If he's expecting you to get married he must see that this is important. A credit report is a good place to start.

Are some of his assets overseas?

OldWomanSaysThis · 12/09/2020 16:16

Are you thinking that since you pay for the upkeep of the household, you've earned yourself some equal power in the relationship? Because, if that's so, I have some bad news....

AllTheWayUp · 12/09/2020 16:19

I 100% agree on that point that we are adults with a child and independent living and should pay for our own wedding not putting pressure on my family while his family only take take take!

When we split, he said he would pay everything for my child. However, didn't so much pan out. At that time, I was signed off sick as well for almost a year after being sexually harassed by a manager at work. When your signed of long term sick you don't get your full pay and that added tons of pressure.

When we go out or if I see something nice for my child and I want to get it, he will act as if I am doing him a favour - like joking about how much does he owe me and etc which I don't find funny tbh.

He use to be such a sweet guy, but since he got those promotions and he's something big now he changed completely. I definitely have a changed attitude and approach to what it once was. I was in therapy for a while, and my therapist use to say he sounds like a narcissist man. It's hard to believe your own hear and head when someone you have been with since a child convinces you almost that it's in my head and I am making things up to argue.

All I want is for him to be honest about what he is spending on, and I am more than happy to work with him around him. Going behind my back, how can he expect I am going to he say nice things - come on!

OP posts:
TheMamaYo · 12/09/2020 16:20

This doesn't make sense at all? He lives with you but only contribute to your child and food?

So no splitting bills/rent etc? And he is getting his mortgage mostly paid, presumably with people who rent his place? Why are you being such a mug about this?

How are things going to change financially when you're married?

For what it's worth, I don't blame him for not wanting to spend a lot of money on the wedding. And presumably he will have an arrangement in place for the money he spend on his mum. But if you live together and on the verge of getting married, there's a lot that needs changing around your financial arrangements. Sort it before you get married.

BlueThistles · 12/09/2020 16:24

this is so screwed up OP, you are not functioning as couple, no joint enterprise. You pay everything, He pays his Mums mortgage and bills and some food at yours 😏 whilst someone else pays His mortgage, can you not see where this none of this is in Your best interests, only His 🤔

79andnotout · 12/09/2020 16:26

Oh my God he sounds horrible! You got a lucky break with covid.

RandomMess · 12/09/2020 16:27

You would be better off kicking him and claiming child maintenance from him....

Seriously he is using you!!

Sad
moggiek · 12/09/2020 16:29

Please don't marry this man.

FinallyHere · 12/09/2020 16:31

Run, like the wind

He sounds very like a friend's "D"H

She worked hard, they both did. He decided that they would invest in property in their home country, where his parents could act keep an eye out for them.

Now they are getting divorced and the houses she has helped to fund appear to have been bought in his parents' name, so are not part of the settlement.

Don't be that person. All the best.

Deadringer · 12/09/2020 16:34

He is selfish and horrible and is taking you for a mug op. Aside from what he is doing for his mum, he has his own house, earns good money and buys luxury items for himself, but doesn't contribute to your household, and has hidden money from you while you stressed over bills and got into debt. The fact that he spends money on his child doesn't make him kind or generous, it's merely an extension of him spending on himself, iykwim. He is a selfish fucker and i think you should ltb, but something tells me you won't. At least make him show you what assets he has, and sort out a more equal division of bills and expenses.

BlueJava · 12/09/2020 16:37

Do not marry him! If he can't be honest and you don't take decisions like this together he frankly is a liability. Sorry OP but I'd get rid - it sounds like you'd be better off on your own!

KitchenConfidential · 12/09/2020 16:37

OP you sound so desperately unhappy in every sense. I suspect he’s the reason and that your life would be far better without him in it.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/09/2020 16:40

DO NOT MARRY HIM

I’m sorry OP, but he is letting you know who he really is.

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