Am I wrong ?? Need a urgent Rant!!

[AllTheWayUp]

Me & my partner have been together for donkeys years and we share a child together and live together.

We both work, and have good positions. I pay for all the house bills and he pays for his other house which is rented. I have always been an advocate to help others or family if they need it, so long as we at least share it with each other as we are suppose to be a family and we have childcare etc.

We recently got engaged and were suppose to get married but had to put on hold due to Covid. Those months leading to my wedding were the worst as we didn't have money (what I believed) at hand for what it cost and wedding was close and therefore I was forced to downsize to a lot and have what seemed like a family dinner rather than a wedding.

(Not the first time) I recently find out he has been sending lots of money or paying for house hold bills for his mothers house and I am the last to find out by accident. This really upsets me and only makes me want to react negative.

His mother asked to borrow a lot of money for her mortgage and he agreed without talking with me first. My issue here now is, how is she ever going to pay him back when he pays for things in her house, where did he have this money hiding when we really needed/ still need it! I know he had a savings for our child but what it looks like is that saving is coming out to fulfil a luxury for his mother while I have to pay minimum payment every month to cover the debt that he has helped to create.. what is hurting me a lot is how important our wedding is to me, and he saw me cry and stress all that time that we didn't have the money yet now all the sudden is ok to give thousands of pounds for someone else's home!

Am I wrong here ??

He won't back down or change easily.

He should be paying 50% of all the household bills and day to day costs plus some "rent" element towards wear and tear on your house.

Does he even pay for childcare costs??!

What sort of person lets their long term drown in debt whilst living for free in their house???

I’m not a drinker either but don’t know anyone that would be drunk during the day. I did wonder about being in another time zone, which is why I asked if she was in the U.K. I accept I may be wrong in asking but her comment about being pissed just jumped out at me.

If he isn’t honest now he won’t be later believe me. I found out some lies recently that DH and his parents conjured up which meant we had to live with them for the first six months. I hated it. I had been independent for a year before. I found some other stuff out and fear there is a lot more. He is secretive. I keep my money separate now. I inherited some money and I invested it he doesn’t know I have some more too. This is my escape money now. He has made me secretive because of his ways. I was always open and honest it has taken me a lot of years to look after myself. I would leave but I can’t afford to as I am in the caring profession.
If I knew what I know now I would never have married him. Think long and hard before you do. Likewise he and his family didn’t contribute to our wedding. They could have afforded to if they wanted.

I have learned to rely on him a lot in the past

What are you relying on him for?
He’s financially abusive, To the point you think he’s helping you when In fact he’s bleeding you dry.
He’s emotionally abusive as well, no emotional support there either.

Not seeing how this is going to work out

Don’t marry him!!

What sort of person lets their long term drown in debt whilst living for free in their house???

That isn't the behaviour of someone you can rely a lot on btw....

Tell him you want your debt clear, as it's affecting you all as a family.

And then decide if you want to stay with him. I'd tell him to go back to his own house and rethink his priorities, frankly.

Sorry if I'm not reading this right but you keep saying "if I was to leave..". Surely if you're living in your house you and your child won't be going anywhere and you can kick him out?

He can give his tenant notice or move in with his mum.

Don't marry him, he's fleecing you and once married will get a stake in the home you pay everything for too.
Total cocklodger. Get rid, he can live with his Mum.

Forget what he pays for weddign vs to hisd mum. That's superficial symptom of the deeper issue around financial partnership. It doesn't add up and if you are feeling this way before the wedding, then this is MAJOR RED FLAG! I understand you love him and when your heart is involved and your daughter too, it's hard and you cannot just walk away. So go to couples counseling, and dig deep discussing finances, and consider a pre-nup to secure custody for your daughter before you marry him. What a S*&! to threaten taking your daughter away from you if you were to ever leave him. That's horrible. I'd bring that up in therapy too.

he may not only be covering the mortgage with his rental property, he could well be making a profit there. Especially if he has owned the house a fair while. Mortgages are often less than market rents

Before marrying ask the following questions....
Do I trust this person ?
Are they kind to me ?
Do they consider my emotional needs ?
Is this a reciprocal give and take kind of relationship ?
Do we communicate regularly and in an appropriate way ?
If not then consider why you are with them....possibly because to not be is less palatable then being with them ??.
We all get to choose....but many people confuse need with love and it’s all downhill from there...

@oakleaffy

Please do not marry this man. YOUR house will become half his if you do. Avoid. You had a lucky escape! Too many women want the big day, but sheesh you dodged a bullet there!👍

And HIS house will become half the OP’s, as will probably half his savings (I bet he has more savings stashed away), if earned whilst with her. So maybe not a financial disaster...only an emotional disaster!

I only just read the part about threatening to take your child away if you ever leave...This is emotional abuse. There is absolutely no regard whatsoever for your emotional well being when someone is this manipulative....they manipulate to meet there own narcissistic needs.
The bigger question is not about the pathology of the other....and many many people will get stuck into that....the bigger question is about you and why you are staying and your own self worth. You need help with this so please get some appropriate support.

OP
Yes he has made a huge MUG out of you for years.
Unbelievably so.

He will not change.
He doesn't love you.
He couldn't love you and screw you financially as he has done for YEARS.

Honestly that you would allow him to live for free while he rents out his gome and keeps the money makes you sound to be unbelievably dim. Apologies but it's true.

If you marry him you are also being dimmer again.

How long has he been making a fool of you with this arrangement?

By marrying him you are just telling him you are up for more of his appalling behaviour.

You don't know any better and expect no more.

You are drowning it debt and he's behaving like this.

Truly unbelievable.

What an asshole you had your child with. 🙄

You sound lovely but so naive and honestly OP, you need protecting from yourself to have accepted this bullshit.

Please protect yourself and don't marry this asshole.
For goodness sake.

Fiver says his house is remortgaged to the hilt to pay the mothers mortgage and on paper he is worth fuck all. If the OP married him she gets half his debt and he gets half her house!

Don’t do it OP.

Check your credit score. Get him to check his bank account and show you his credit score.

Then you’ll see the full extent if the lies he’s been keeping from you and have a bona fide excuse to leave and it won’t be ‘your fault’ this time. It will be his.

He can’t take your child either. He’s talking pish to scare you.

What a Prince. Leave him. Your daughter will be totally fine with 50/50 custody and he can be with the woman he really loves. His mother.

I am sorry OP but something feels "off" to me. You're "pissed" in the afternoon - but you sound like a loving/caring mother who wouldn't be pissed in the afternoon for the sake of your DD (or do you mean pissed in the American sense, angry)? You say in your first post that you're cross because he has the money and didn't tell you that or offer it for the wedding. Your last post, though, you're now talking about how he's going to "borrow" the money for his mum's mortgage - so now he doesn't have it? I suppose these details don't matter for the bigger picture, which is that it doesn't sound like a good decision to marry him. Are you saying he owns his own home and rents it out - and you've seriously believed that he has to pay for the mortgage and this counts as expenses? What do you think the rent is for then?

Honestly... you sound too smart to me to fall for this, paying all expenses for a man to live with you and letting him get away with playing Disney dad for your daughter and holidays. You know that's crazy, why do you need MN to tell you? At the risk of repeating myself, something sounds off here.

Nothing will change with a chat. He’s been fucking your over for years. He’s not about to change or stop.

When you say he threatenede to take your child, was it a one off, you both having a huge argument thinga dn something that just came out or did he really mean it? Becuase to be honest if there is ever even a threat by someone of this you honestly shouldn't be together. myself and dh have had joking conversations abotu splititng up and both said we'd never ever keep the kids away from the other one no matter how bad things got. Whather this is a reality obviously remains to be seen but if you've had this conversation in this way it just seems like you're not right for each other. ps I have no problem with him helping his mm out with her mortgage but it is something he's not talking about you. I'm not saying ltb but honestly just seriously think. Hugs OP

You want him more than he wants you and he is exploiting your neediness to his own advantage.

He does not sound nice.
I dint think the conversation will go well - he will gas light you some more and make you blame yourself. If he is not paying his way in the house he shares, he should leave. He's using you to fund his own lifestyle and his family - all at the expense of your quality of life. He's not nice.

Why do women who are otherwise intelligent and capable let sons of bitches take advantage and exploit them?! This guy is a real dirt bag and you shouldn't marry him even if he was the last man on earth!

@EKGEMS

Why do women who are otherwise intelligent and capable let sons of bitches take advantage and exploit them?! This guy is a real dirt bag and you shouldn't marry him even if he was the last man on earth!

Because many woman have had a lifetime of adapting, people pleasing etc usually rooted in a needy parent who had to have their needs met. So a pattern is laid down psychologically and unconsciously in an attempt to be loveable without any understanding it’s based in childhood needs not being met. If it happens too early you’ve got little chance of being emotionally independent, you’ll become very needy...and probably suffer lots of anxiety at the thought of being left of your own. Now if you’ve attracted a narcisstic partner they will play you easily, manipulating into getting what they want without having any interest in the emotional well being of the other. When you finally get the courage to leave, they can sometimes apologise, promise to change etc etc and the cycle repeats....people just get stuck emotionally....

Why not suggest you flip things around, leave your house, rent it out and you take the rent and look after your house. Then move into his house, contribute nothing, some food perhaps, and tell him he has to pay all the bills. Bet he won't go for that......

OP who owns his mother's house ? You can find out online at Land Registry.

@AllTheWayUp - my long term partner lives in my house. We split all bills 50/50. I pay the mortgage and house costs but he puts an additional £300 a month into a joint savings account and we use that money for holidays etc. So legally he has no stake in the house but it means a fairly even split in finances.