Am I wrong ?? Need a urgent Rant!!

[AllTheWayUp]

Me & my partner have been together for donkeys years and we share a child together and live together.

We both work, and have good positions. I pay for all the house bills and he pays for his other house which is rented. I have always been an advocate to help others or family if they need it, so long as we at least share it with each other as we are suppose to be a family and we have childcare etc.

We recently got engaged and were suppose to get married but had to put on hold due to Covid. Those months leading to my wedding were the worst as we didn't have money (what I believed) at hand for what it cost and wedding was close and therefore I was forced to downsize to a lot and have what seemed like a family dinner rather than a wedding.

(Not the first time) I recently find out he has been sending lots of money or paying for house hold bills for his mothers house and I am the last to find out by accident. This really upsets me and only makes me want to react negative.

His mother asked to borrow a lot of money for her mortgage and he agreed without talking with me first. My issue here now is, how is she ever going to pay him back when he pays for things in her house, where did he have this money hiding when we really needed/ still need it! I know he had a savings for our child but what it looks like is that saving is coming out to fulfil a luxury for his mother while I have to pay minimum payment every month to cover the debt that he has helped to create.. what is hurting me a lot is how important our wedding is to me, and he saw me cry and stress all that time that we didn't have the money yet now all the sudden is ok to give thousands of pounds for someone else's home!

Am I wrong here ??

Please do not get financially attached to this man.
You need your own house and your own income/savings.
He will bleed you dry.

You pay everything but he won't contribute because he had to rent another place after you split is that right? If that's the case then you have mug written all over you I'm sorry to sayZ

My DH got a promotion to a very good and sought after position.
He changed and i occasionally saw a side I didn’t like.
Not long after that anxiety kicked in, I think he was pulled between trying to be one of the team and trying manage the team, and his career ended prematurely not long after.

If you still want to marry him then you need to sit down and talk about finances for your ongoing life together. What there is, what it is spent on, individual spending money.

Call me old fashioned - as I am older than many on here - but I don't understand this "I have my money and he has his" when you are a committed couple (whether married or not) and have a child together.

Of course he may lie...

Seriously, he rents out his house and you pay the bills at your place?

He is massively taking the piss out of you financially. Absolute piss.

I hope you own your house OP. Personally I would end the relationship. He has been taking the piss out of you financially for years.

Who pays your mortgage or rent?
You should have a joint account that household bills come out of with each paying amounts proportional to your earnings.
You should also have a Savings account with money (again pro rata in proportion to earnings) going into that.
Unfortunately you have a man who only has one Mummy. He's in a co-dependent relationship with her. I suspect his Mother is the narcissist and he is the Caretaker of her feelings and needs. He puts his needs and his family's needs aside to met her needs lest she abandon him.
The he does the opposite with you. He takes the narcissist role and you are the Caretaker of his needs. You go out of your way to keep things harmonious, pay your own way to avoid conflict, put your own needs aside out of fear of him abandoning you.
You are seen by him more like a sibling, or a pesky little sister with whom he has to 'share' his stuff with against his will.
You can see this because he still acts like a child when he says your 'family' has to pay for you.
He doesn't see you and DD as his 'family', he still sees his mother as his primary 'family'.

Frankly, I feel depressed inside, but I'm far too jealous to let him go and see him he with someone else.

C'mon AllTheWayUp, why would you be jealous of him taking another woman for a mug as he is taking you?

Never mind not marrying him, split up from him he is using you, he doesn't respect you, he is grinding you down, your posts make this obvious, without him and with just you and your daughter to consider you will be so much better off financially and emotionally.

Unless you eat extremely lavish and 5* restaurants, just paying for food is not enough.

He’s supposed to provide for your dd, he’s not doing anything above what he should be doing
If he had a very good job, he’d be paying £££ in maintenance
So he’d have to be spending well in excess of £100 a WEEK
On her

Also you do know if YOU
MARRY him he gets half your house

Keep your independence, get him OUT your house
Keep it for u and dd and let him pay his way in maintenance

By all means if you still want to see him/stay over , so be it
But get him out of your house
and DO NOT marry him
He’s a liar, deceitful, cocklodger
and taking you for a mug

Pls be independent, use him when you want to
If you can’t be parted from him

He sounds selfish and possibly financially abusive. Do not marry him.

@AllTheWayUp but why on earth would you want to marry him? He keeps his own money to himself and for his family and not willing to spend on something that matters to you. It's a complete facepalm situation. I'm amazed.

I agree that people can and should be self-sufficient. But. At the same time, money in marriage should be somehow fair. Not that the one who earns more keeps living a lavish life while the other one struggles. That's just shit.

So you pay the rent + bills for all three of you, and he pays food?

Then he gets rent from his house, plus his big salary. Not sure if you have a salary too, or are doing all the childcare for your (joint) child?

Ignore the wedding / mothers' mortgage - your basic division of money is completely unfair. I don't understand how you're ok with it, or how selfish /devious he must be to have convinced you it was ok.

You are not wrong. The only way you should stay with him is if he's willing to completely reorganize how you share finances in a way that's completely transparent and far more even for you.

I think you'd be better off getting out completely and just getting child support from him. There is no chance that he'll be able to take your daughter.

You keep referring to your child as ‘my’ child. He seems to agree that financially at least she is only ‘your’ child and not also his since he isn’t even paying equally for everything she needs - like the roof over her head for one. Why are you
not specifically addressing how much you’re paying and how much he isn’t? You’re focusing on the wedding and the money to his mother but even if this hadn’t happened it would still be a massively unfair financial situation. You want to be able to pay your own way - great. But that doesn’t mean paying everyone’s way!

I agree this situation with the wedding is rubbish but you have far bigger problems than him being sly and selfish on this one occasion. His entire financial life is set up to his benefit and to disenfranchise you of parity in finances. You need to confront this because if you don’t you’ll end up twenty years down the line having paid for him to have a very comfortable life and invest in himself and his property. It’s crazy you live together, have a child together and are planning to marry yet he contributes nothing even near to equal to family finances AND he has this property all to himself. He is behaving like a single man and you're merely someone be he dates in a financial sense. Can you not see that?

@SBTLove

You pay everything for the house all 3 of you live in. He has a house he rents out = costs him nothing. So basically he’s living free of charge whilst his tenant pays his mortgage. Watches you struggle and stress whilst sitting on £1000s which he gave to his mother. He brings nothing here, get him out your house and get CM off him. This isn’t a partnership, do NOT marry him.

This. You need to get out of the relationship. He is bleeding you dry whilst building a cast iron retirement. I’ve seen this all too often on Mumsnet and it’s painful to see women allowing themselves to be treated like dirt. Stop playing the pick me dance and tell him to fuck off.

It's not in your head. He's nowhere near ready for marriage or for a real relationship where he shares. It seems it's whats yours is his and what's his is his and his mums. No wonder he's got luxury money. You're paying him to live with you. And he's got nooky on tap without even trying. You really need to look at the finances. How much better off would you be without him charging up half your bills and not paying? Food? I bet that bill would go down a lot for starts. Rethink this. He is using you and my gut says give him the body swerve. Easy to say, I know. You've put years into this relationship and frankly, he's not all the way in. He has escape money and you don't. I think you need to send him to live back with his mum. He's paying the mortgage after all.

YOu mention that you "went through a really really horrible time". Would you like to talk a bit more about that? I'm imagining all sorts really...

Thank you so much all you! Just reading all them, something has hit me straight in the face. It is true, I have invested years of my life into this relationship and it is a lot easier than said to up and leave especially as DD is so happy in our current situation.

I really have been letting him make a mug out of me, it's no wonder he can afford so much while he gets to question where my money has all gone.

I am definitely going to sit him down, have a serious conversation. If he can borrow £££ for his mums mortgage then he can also pay his way living here also, it's not fair. For so long, I have made excuses that he gets me nice things and pays for our holidays etc but actually how often am I going on holiday or getting gifts. I am drowning in debt and it's depressing me because it's holding me back on things I want to do.

Every single of you have same the same thing so surely it must be him in the wrong !

Thank you ♥️

DO NOT MARRY

This financially abusive, secretive, cocklodging, gaslighting, mummy’s boy!

Seriously what are you thinking?!

You’re a family!

All money is the family’s and there should NEVER be important secrets in a family.

Put the wedding on hold at the very least.

Time for a serious discussion with him about ALL his unacceptable behaviours.

On the off chance he’s just stupid and dysfunctional the relationship MAY be salvageable BUT if he considers his earnings solely his, won’t agree a FAIR household budget and stop the secrecy (which is effectively lying to you!) then you’re better walking away...

All that said while reading.

So glad to see your update hoping the above helps stiffen your resolve

Sorry but he is basically a cocklodger.
You re oayibg for everything incl more or less the child. Of course he then has PLENTY of money to do other things such as giving some of his mum....

You are right. serious discussion required. But I suspoect you will need more than a discusion.

Agree with everyone saying do not marry him. He has not treated you fairly at all and is not giving you the respect that you deserve or treating you like his partner. However, I am curious if you live in the U.K. if so, why are you drunk at 3:30pm in the afternoon? Do you have an alcohol problem which you need help addressing?

Please do not marry this man.
YOUR house will become half his if you do.
Avoid.
You had a lucky escape!
Too many women want the big day, but sheesh you dodged a bullet there!👍

@LionessRoar

Agree with everyone saying do not marry him. He has not treated you fairly at all and is not giving you the respect that you deserve or treating you like his partner. However, I am curious if you live in the U.K. if so, why are you drunk at 3:30pm in the afternoon? Do you have an alcohol problem which you need help addressing?

Gosh that is a little presumptuous! I’m not a drinker at all, but we don’t know the time zones., and even half a shandy would get some people pissed.

I'm far too jealous to let him go and see him he with someone else

Seriously?

Ah well, looks like you're stuck bring mugged off for life then 🤦

There are no expenses to pay having someone renting your home...that's the whole point. The mortgage and bills are paid by the tenant.

He's a cocklodger - why the fuck would you want to marry someone like that..except that cracking reason of not wanting to see him with anyone else...

Give your head a wobble OP ffs

I think the revealing part of this is the having a discussion with everybody else to attempt to validate your feelings. Your feelings are valid. The problem is you’ve listed many issues and described a massive emotional gap between you. The discussion that needs to happen is between you and him. You need to express your expectations and understanding and see if you can agree. Without it, nothing but misery and resentment.