Petty Argument Thread 2

[StupidArgument]

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

@ StupidArgument

I could hardly believe your post when you told us that he deliberately threw something at your head in front of your mother !

Obviously, he's reverted back to his usual self and feels your ''little rebellion phase'' is over, so he's free to abuse you whenever or wherever he fancies ! (either that, or he's upping the ante because he's sick of pretending to be 'nice', and needs to get you back in your box asap cos he can't cope with the charade any more !)

Good grief but he's truly evil isn't he ?

Whatever you do, you must leave today, start your course, and make very sure he cannot get into your new home ! Until you get the locks changed, make very sure you keep the keys in the door (so he can't put a key in), click the lock set if it's a Yale lock, or bolt the doors.

Once he knows you're breaking free, he's got nothing to lose by being openly violent to try to ''bring you to heel'', so you need to be extra vigilant and careful. Block him on your phone/ email/ all SM and tell your Mum you have left him and to not speak to him when he contacts her too.

Do not let any threats/ unwanted visits/ attempts at contact go unanswered ! Tell the police you have left an abusive marriage, and phone them EVERY TIME !

You deserve to be happy, and you will be !

Enjoy every moment of your course, your freedom, and your new life without fear.

How are things OP, worried you are not going to start this course tomorrow!

I hope that you do move into your other property or are even there already 🤞🏻

In theory, you shouldn't change the locks as your H is a joint owner and he can go to court to get a key. When I was in the same situation, I bolted the front door and left a key in the garden door as I knew they were the keys that XH had. I came in and out of the house using a side door that I knew he couldn't access. In the end, the night before going to court for a non-mol and occupation order, I got a locksmith around in the early hours of the morning to change the front door lock. Good job I did, as he turned up whilst I was at court and tried to get in again. He didn't ever go to court to argue for access.

Feel the fear and do it anyway! 💪🏻

I'm hoping OP has been too busy moving things over to her old house and getting ready for tomorrow morning to update! Best of luck for tomorrow, hope you're still going ahead with it.

Sorry for not updating today, it's difficult on Sundays as DH is home all day and if I type on my phone he always asks me what I'm doing.

My course starts next week, but there are just two zoom meetings for the first week, so my plan is to do them from home as he works outside the house so wouldn't know.

I'm still unsure if I should leave him straight away or hang on for another three weeks to wait for the money to come. I'm really worried that if I go without it, I won't see it until we divorce and like everyone has said, I can't put it past him to not do mean or unfair things to spite me. It's a lot of money and if I could clear the debts I know I would be leaving with a much clearer mind and less anxiety. I wouldn't have to worry about anything. Part of me thinks, I've made it through all these years, three more weeks is nothing, especially if it will mean me leaving on such a strong footing.

In your position, I would leave straight away. I was so grateful these past few months that I left just before Covid was a consideration, because I cannot imagine what it would have been like in lockdown with my ex. 3 weeks could be everything - imagine how much manipulation/gaslighting/playing the victim 'Brian' could fit into 3 weeks. If I lived near you, I would come round and frog march you out of there myself!

@everythingbackbutyou luckily it wouldn’t really be a problem for me, I mentioned this in the other thread but we currently have two properties, the one we’re living in now and one that we just moved out of and were intending to rent out but it’s currently empty, so I can move back in there.

Glad you have somewhere to go, that's a huge plus

@StupidArgument
I read the whole thread and I'm rooting for you.

Please leave right away. you have come so far and he will make it SO hard to continue the course if you are still within his reach of manipulation and gaslighting.

The risk if losing the money is a lesser tragedy than you quitting the course because he manipulates you - and you know he will push and push and push till you drop out.

Think the big picture here - this course will be out of reach for a while if he derails it, whilst worst case regarding the money is that you have to wait for it till after the divorce

Forget about the money. The money is not important. The most important thing is being safe, away from him. He's already ramping up, by throwing that leaflet at you, in front of an audience. I don't think you understand the real danger you are in. That's not hyperbole, women are most at risk from their abusers, at the point of leaving.

If you can't leave today, wait until tomorrow morning when he leaves the house, then GO!

Can you get the cheque redirected?

How is the money coming. In whose name?

Whose name is the debt in?

You could do a postal redirect now to the previous house and cancel one you have set up from your old house to the new house. This may be good to do now anyway. You can manually forward anything that isn't in your/joint names.

How long could you do the course without him knowing?

If you really can do it secretly in the day time while he is out then that seems smart. That's assuming you can play nice for the time it take for him to get the money and pay off the debt. Any reason to think he would try to leave the debt with you and hold onto the money himself? Any past form?

@BluebellsGreenbells it’s coming in his name. Stupidly I took the debts in my name as I could get more than him, we spent it on the house, and the payment coming is in his name.

I get what people are saying about not to worry about the money but the debt is £30k over four years. I’ll have about £23k to live on total for the next three years. Even if I manage to get a lodger I’d still only have £38k over three years. I’m not entitled to any benefits, except I won’t have to pay council tax.

You need some financial advice regarding that debt! If I were you, I would go tomorrow. It might be doable to do next week at home with just the two zoom meetings, but what about the two weeks after? Will you be able to just go and start the course next week leaving him with no one to do your current job, and stay with him? Leave him raging at home that you've left him with no admin manager whilst you start a course you didn't tell him about, continue to live with him for two weeks and concentrate at uni and complete the uni work you have to do at home? It would be very complicated and involve you spinning many plates at once. A clean cut now is best, deal with leaving this week before the course starts properly. Give yourself some breathing time. Keep him and the course separate.

@TorkTorkBam I’m not 100% sure yet as I’ll get the timetable next week but the majority of learning for the first term is online due to COVID. And I think my first placement isn’t for five weeks. So in theory I could hang on for three weeks to get this money, he’s out of the house 7-7 most days so I would just have to be careful. I could literally leave at any time so if he found out or if I couldn’t Make it work I could just go.

Just go @StupidArgument, PLEASE!

He has already been repeatedly violent to you, over the course of your marriage, AND he's ramping it up further, now even in front of your own mother!!!

He is dangerous. Please, get the money from the joint account, and leave, tomorrow.

(how much is in the joint account? Would taking all of it help you to live without worrying about the debt?)

And, all debts, savings, assets, pensions and income in a divorce are pooled before a settlement is decided, so that debt would only be half yours, at worst AND not until the divorce settlement bits are finalised. Which could be a very long time away.

Once you are out, you could also contact the owners of the debt, tell them you were coerced into taking it out by your abusive husband, who you have now left. And what with COVID-19, etc, what help can they offer you.

@StupidArgument

Hi there. I think you said earlier that you had already gathered a lot of the things you need before you leave (eg keys, important documents, changes of clothes, spare phone charger, etc. Are you able to leave these with your sister for safekeeping rather in the house you are living in or in your car? That way if he's ultra suspicious or you need to leave quickly those are safe.

Also, as someone else said upthread, do ensure you have your phone with you at all times. Put a unique pin on your phone - don't just rely on the thumbprint ID (unsure which phone you have). Reminder: Clear down your browser after each session or use the "private" one which doesn't save your history. 🌹

@catmaiden there’s nothing in our joint account otherwise I’d take it. Our assets are good on paper but we are cash poor at the moment. I have about £500 in my own account and £100 cash, but that’s all until I get my loan, they should be able to let me know tomorrow when that will be.

And I know that things would get divided out when it came to it but who knows when that would be or what he would do to try and drag it out or seem like he didn’t have the money, I just don’t know. It’s a big risk. Same with counting on lenders to help me out, they might only be able to do so for 3-6 months maybe, if at all.

Make sure he doesn't know any of your pin numbers or account passwords so he can't take your school money that will be coming through. Change them all on principle, perhaps.

Thinking about you @StupidArgument .
Take good care of yourself.

OP, you have your head well screwed on, you are obviously intelligent and capable. You have recognised your situation and dealt with everything so well and maturely. I think you can trust in youself now. I can understand you want to wait 3 more weeks. You are aware of the dangers and that is the most important thing, I think you will know what to do and when.

One more thing... is he self employed? I have heard it can be easier for them to downplay their earnings in divorce proceedings when self employed. Not sure how this helps.... but maybe take photos of his payslips if so?

Also, do you think there is a chance he might have cameras in the house watching you? If he wants to know what you're up to all the time, how does he cope when he is out all day at work....

What is in the business account and how is he set up?

Limited company, are you both directors?

You need to know the ins and outs of the legal and financial side.

Can you write a job description and job advert and advertise your job??

I can completely understand your reasoning and you must do what you think is best, regardless of what we all think!
Will the money come by check in the post, do you know? Would you be able to open the letter and pay it in to your joint account without him knowing and they take a chunk of it (50%+) before he knew it had arrived?

One other thing, is your name on the deeds of both properties? If not, register your home rights with both of them at the Land Registry. That means that he cannot sell or raise a mortgage in either without your permission.