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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Petty Argument Thread 2

344 replies

StupidArgument · 10/09/2020 19:43

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/09/2020 22:15

I could really weep for you OP.
So sad.

Please, please, don't give up your teaching place because you are scared.

A sleeping bag would be preferable to this life.

You are so young.

35 is nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

So young.

You have so much life.

Such potential for such a wonderful life ahead of you.

Grab it.

Leave this horror behind.
Flowers

Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 22:17

@whatisheupto I knew what you meant, thank you. That’s a lovely saying.

Every time I go on Pinterest lately, the first thing on my feed is a quote that seems appropriate for me in this current situation. It seems even Pinterest is trying to tell me I’m doing the right thing 😁

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/09/2020 22:20

It's constant isn't it?

Constant little drip drip of power and control to ensure you comply with him. That underlying threat of hurting you physically or emotionally.

SadAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

forrestgreen · 19/09/2020 22:20

It feels almost like you've not been in your place recently, so he's been nice. Now it seems you're back in the box according to him, so he can do these things to you again, and you and your mum will just accept them.
Can you imagine if you threw something at his face and marked him and just said it was an accident and a joke.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 22:29

I think I've painted my Mum in a bit of a bad light. We did have a difficult relationship growing up and I do still have some scars from that.

But my Mum changed a lot once I'd grown up and she's a different person now. I lost my Dad 8 years ago, and I think she's so scared of losing anyone else that she has become a bit passive in a way. She does try and stick up for me with him with some things, but it's honestly really difficult.

DH didn't like something my Mum said once and even after she'd apologised for it, he wouldn't forgive her. This was a long time ago but I think she worries he would do something like that as well.

Plus I think she sees me not having to struggle financially like she and my Dad did when they were my age and think it makes up for a lot, as well as she had a very traditional home maker role for a lot of her life, and so did her Mum etc, so she does have some old fashioned views sometimes.

But I know that she will support me and be on my side when it comes to it. I think she doesn't say anything sometimes as well as a way to be on my side, like today. DH was in a weird mood as it was and I'm sure she could tell and didn't want to make things worse for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 22:30

Sorry @WitchWand I meant to tag you in my last comment

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 22:37

@TorkTorkBam I think it does usually follow a bit of a pattern, he'll do something to me that I don't like, and I'll tell him to stop. He'll repeat it a few times over a week or so, and I'll tell him to stop each time or that it hurts me. Then he'll do it another time and I'll lose my temper and shout at him or it might make me cry and he'll get defensive and say he was just messing. Then later on that day or the next, he'll ask me what's wrong and I'll say nothing why and he'll say "oh you've just been a bit grumpy today/yesterday." Or he'll tell the dogs I'm grumpy or "on one" or having a "Doreen (mums name) Rage".

I'm not sure what prompts him to start though. Often on the last day, I'll think he is in a weird mood and it will become the final straw for me because whatever he's been doing, say the slapping for example, he'll do it the same way but much harder.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 22:40

@forrestgreen Can you imagine if you threw something at his face and marked him and just said it was an accident and a joke.

He'd go mad. He'd either get really angry or make me grovel for forgiveness.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 19/09/2020 22:43

That was an act of violence... it was designed to shock you and put you on your place. It is not uncommon for women in this position to literally go into shock and have memory gaps. As for your mum, I don’t know why she didn’t say or do anything at the time. She is minimizing his awful behaviour to maintain the status quo. That’s not right either. You’re worth more than this!!!

TorkTorkBam · 19/09/2020 23:06

Sounds like he performs a regular boundary test on you.

He does a bad hurty thing. You object. He repeats, escalating until you properly object. This shows the level of control he has. Nice little gauge.

Most of us would absolutely explode on the second time after we said NO. Then if he did it a month later we'd explode instantly. If it happened a month later we'd be talking breaking up.

I think he is testing your boundaries regularly and finding them to be well and truly crushed. Every test cycle smashes them down a bit extra too just in case you had started building them back up again.

KunekuneKristmasCake · 19/09/2020 23:12

He’s a dick - please leave

RandomMess · 19/09/2020 23:13

Exactly what I thought Tork

billy1966 · 19/09/2020 23:23

Pure fxxking violence in clear sight OP.

Please protect yourself Flowers

timeisnotaline · 20/09/2020 01:03

Ah op you need to leave no matter what the money situation is. Take 50% of the joint account and go, start your course.
Talking to him about it is a mistake. I think it will be years before you feel you have your memory back.

WitchWand · 20/09/2020 06:30

@StupidArgument you don't need to explain your mum's behaviour to me. I'm a mum and I've got adult kids. I would not be able to say nothing if I saw violence going on in their relationship. I would open my mouth and say something. I would do it even if my adult kids were angry with me about it. If they didn't want me to speak out about it, I'd get out of their lives until they could hear me. I would not sit around watching it and cautioning it. I couldn't. I just couldn't.
I would be clear about my boundaries. I have also had hard times in my life.

I agree with what other posters are saying about how your boundaries have been eroded. I would not accept my partner throwing a book at my face. Ever !

That yours has done it in front of your mum is highly shocking to me. It feels like he's taking all the power over all the women in your family. And no-one is stopping him.

Comtesse · 20/09/2020 07:25

I agree with @WitchWand the worst thing about this leaflet thing is that he did it in front of someone else. And neither of you said anything. You’re both scared of him. Awful.

Be careful today. Keep your phone in your pocket all the time.

EggyPegg · 20/09/2020 08:13

Oh god. This is a horrendous update. You've had such good advice. Are you packed? Can you just go, today?

footprintsintheslow · 20/09/2020 08:32

So OP what's your plan for the coming days? When do you plan to leave this vile man who is ruining your life?

billy1966 · 20/09/2020 08:52

Thinking of you OP.

He is such a vile person.

He's been trying to be nice but he couldn't contain his viciousness towards you.

He is probably seething at having to pretend to be nice as he has sensed you pulling away.

Get out.
Flowers

Bl3ss3dm0m · 20/09/2020 09:34

If my dates are right, your course starts tomorrow, whatever else you do or don't do immediately, please, please, please, start your course tomorrow. Don't let anything that is said, or happens today, stop you from starting your course tomorrow Flowers

Happynow001 · 20/09/2020 10:01

Hello @StupidArgument

Just adding my voice to those wishing you the very best for the first day of you course.

I am willing you on, and urging you to take your courage (which you DO have) in both hands and leave!! Slide out with as little warning as possible. Or even no warning! You've got most of what you need in your car boot already so you can make a swift exit?

Strength and peace for the future my dear. 🌹

Catmaiden · 20/09/2020 10:58

Please leave today, taking half (or more) of that joint account and as much of your personal stuff as you can manage.
Start your course tomorrow, talk to Student Services and tell them you have left a violent, controlling husband. Seek every bit of help you can

3ImpBed4 · 20/09/2020 12:01

I've read every single one of your posts and have been rooting for you. I'm thousands of miles away and 7 hours ahead of you but just wanted to say that in approx 24hrs you will be starting the first day of the rest of your life as a free young woman! As I write this I am hoping and praying that you have left your gilded cage and that tonight you are in your own haven... Can't wait to hear about your first days/weeks at UniFlowers

SecondRow · 20/09/2020 12:42

Don't take the risk of assuming he knows nothing about the course. Go to your other house today, otherwise anything could happen to stop you getting out the door in the morning. Sabotage to your car, lost keys, don't risk it.

whatisheupto · 20/09/2020 13:00

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life OP! Whatever happens, just make sure you are at your uni at 9am tomorrow morning! Or whatever time! Go early if you need to! Just close your eyes now and imagine yourself there tomorrow morning. Everything will flow from that, don't worry.