DP needs space - please help me through this

[Stealthynamechange]

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

You are in shock understandably. I hope you recognise your worth and leave him. Staying will crush your self esteem even further

There clearly has been something between them in the past, I think he must have indicated that he would be up for it if she were ever free.I'd put money on it that she isn't just emailing him out of the blue.
If she was, why would he not just say " No thanks" and be done?
He's obviously considering whether to take her up on it or not, which means he's not certain about whether he wants to be with you.

I don't think he deserves any prizes for telling you about it, either. It's actually telling you he wants out but can't bring himself to say it. Up to you if you want to hang around while he decides how to tell you it's over.

I lived for crime and detective dramas when I was going through my break up. If you have Netflix I highly recommend unformatted. Also enjoyed Line of Duty.
Or there's lots of good stand up around atm, but i found that difficult because they often dealt with relationships, so let me know if you want suggestions or not x

There's also a couple of good threads on break up music but I think Freya Ridings Castles, Titanium by Sia, Bulletproof by La Roux and almost anything by Lizzo or Taylor Swift are helpful

I don't agree with watiekatie

but I see this is the option you feel more comfortable taking, because it gives you permission to 'wait'.

"It will be a kick in the balls to him too as you won’t be pathetically chasing him" errr - no, this is a fantasy.

He will not care at all, you've just played into the lie that this is all normal and honest. And your sense of dignity will win you nothing because you are dealing with a man who manoeuvred you into this painful position. He's cruel. Really cruel.

If you want dignity then perhaps think about. "I can see it is over between us. I wish you the best of luck for your future"

Do not answer his replies.

Oh and the ONLY piece of advice you need when dealing with relationships: Judge someone by what they do, not what they say

If someone makes you feel crap. Then that is the reality you should be paying attention too. It took me decades to learn that one. Meaning - Look after how you feel. If someone makes you feel ugly, worthless, second best, then take care of yourself and get out. Would you let someone burn you with fag ends?? No.

I wish you the best of luck.

Listen to The Beautiful South 'A Little Time'

You could see a life with the man you thought he was. He was never that man. He had a past that you didn’t know about and to have cheated before means he isn’t the sort of loyal partner you probably thought he was. He will do it again. This isn’t about you. Some men are always chasing the next thing because they love that excitement and the thrill of the chase. They repeat this in every relationship and will never be able to settle down and find true love. Don’t let him destroy you in the process. If you’ve had an abusive relationship before, don’t let him ruin your confidence by stringing you along for even longer. Be assertive and think about what you want for your future, what you deserve and what your child deserves to see from a healthy relationship. Don’t settle for anything less. He will probably come chasing after you and say he’s sorry to a committed partner doesn’t even have a wobble over things like this - a serious cheat does and he won’t change! X

OMG I would just fuck him off now. My text would say "Sorry I've made the decision for you - it's over. I can't be with someone who needs time to think or isn't 100% committed to me and ds. Good luck with your new relationship" and walk away with your head held high and self esteem in tact. You can do so much better than this vacillating twat.

I guarantee they will be spending his 'space' together!

Are you really thinking of waiting for him to choose you or choose her?

Why??? And what happens after his time shagging her space? You welcome him back with open arms? Is that the plan? You feel grateful he chose you after all?

And what happens if she pursues him further because of her feelings? Will he need 'space' again? Do you wait again?

I know what it's like to have low self esteem and make an arse of yourself over a man who doesnt want you, but you need to find it in you to get angry!!

Wtf?? How dare he!! Say he is committed, introduce your DS to his family, then his head is turned as soon as he gets ONE text that someone else fancies him?? He has moved you to the side while he decides if he wants a relationship with someone else!! Doesn't that make you furious???

And they now work together. If he chooses you, how do you know he isn't continuing a relationship with her on the side? He has made it very clear he has feelings for her. Strong feelings. Strong enough to put distance between him and you so he can see where it leads!

I am so sorry he has done this to you. But you shouldn't imagine the life you were going to have with him. You should imagine what life would be like with him after this. They are not the same future. Sending you lots of hugs

The Home Edit on Netflix is pretty nice queer-eye-for-homes uncomplicated television

You have been TTC for over a year. How dare he now sideline and destabilize you and DS so he can test drive this newly available woman.

If they are colleagues, this has not come out of the blue. He is lying. Things have been simmering between them for a while, so he has already been disloyal to you. Now OW is officially free to spend unlimited time with him, and he feels entitled to explore a sexual adventure with her.

His shelving you and DS to prioritize OW speaks to his his weak character and untrustworthiness. If he ultimately chooses you, you will always feel unsettled. His head will turn again. He seems confident that he can marginalize you at his convenience and you will tolerate that utter disrespect.

You’ve previously written about other selfish behavior and about feeling ‘not good enough’ for him. I would argue that he is unworthy of you.

You’ve done the Freedom Programme, so surely you can see that he is devaluing you. I wouldn’t demean myself by waiting for him to compare and choose. Get angry and remove him from your lives asap. You deserve real love and commitment, and DS deserves a much better role model.

He's going to shag her and then see who he likes best. He has not done well to tell you ffs. Telling her it was not on and staying away from her would be the only acceptable response.

If someone who knew I was married said the same thing to me I wouldn't be flattered or considering it. I'd be wondering why the fuck they were contacting a married woman and I'd shut it down immediately. Even if my relationship was on the rocks I'd act the same (which it doesn't sound like yours even was). Because my partner deserves respect and if I was ever going to end it I'd do it because of our own problems not because another offer came along.

He's a first class dickhead.

Fuck him off. If your not the star in your own relationship then it's not worth having

If he truely loved you he wouldnt even give consideration to this other woman.

Take back the control and finish it.

Yuck! He sounds rank.
Don’t do the ‘pick me dance’. Make the decision to get rid. He’s just keeping his options open so he won’t look like the bad guy who cheated.

@thethoughtfox

Listen to The Beautiful South 'A Little Time'

Brilliant recommendation

Do yourself and your DS a favour here.

‘When someone tells you who he is, listen - the first time’.

He has clearly told and shown you. ‘ He says.......hes done well to tell me......& in the past he would have cheated’

His immediate reation should have been, not interested as I'm in love with Stealthy. Not, that sounds interesting, maybe I can do better than stealthy, I need to spend the weekend thinking about this.
Dump his arse he's just with you waiting for something better/more interesting, to come along. No matter what he says, he was tempted.

Sounds as if he has been offered an upgrade and has decided to test drive it before deciding.

Hi op.

What an arrogant cock he is. Expecting you to be grateful because he's told you he wants to see whether to continue with you because some woman fancies him!!

I would tell him that you loved him and was looking forward to making a life together but what he has said about being unfaithful and suddenly dropping you because someone fancied him, jas made you realise that who you loved obviously isn't him so there is nothing to think about any more.

It's going to hurt, but he will mess you around and even if he does come back it will be temporary and you'll be forever walking on eggshells. So really not worth it.

Don't massage his huge ego anymore and tell him that your feelings for him have changed.

This is brutal. But I suspect there was always more going on with them for her to feel able to openly tell him like this, and the fact he’s immediately paused your relationship because he has a chance with her says it all.

I’d suspect he’s seeing her this weekend op, I’m sorry. And then he will decide. Or he’s already decided and is just finding it difficult to do.

Of course the right answer is for you to end it immediately and not do the pick me dance, but in real life that’s hard.💐

He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.

He's a prick. He's "done well" to tell you?? He "thinks" he will tell her to back off. Wow - does he want a certificate of merit because he hasn't cheated.
Bin him. If it's not this woman it will be someone else in the future.
Do not sit around waiting for him to make his mind up. Guaranteed he'll decide to come back to you now but in 6 months he next one will come along and so on and so forth forever and because you didn't tell him to get to fuck this time he'll push the limits further next time.

This is abusive. I think you know this, but facing it is more difficult of course. Maybe do the FP again?

He's reeled you in, made you feel wonderful, introduced you to friends/family. He even introduces your DC. You are feeling happy, loved/secure. Then BANG! This.

Regardless of what he "decides", you are on the back foot. "Choosing" you now, or coming back to you later. He has the advantage, and you will always have that niggle. Your self esteem has been undermined, and when he gets the chance he'll chip away when he can, but you'll be further emmeshed (especially if you have a DC)
That's how they work. They target women from previously abusive relationships as you know. They can be as nice, as charming, as generous as they need to be. But regardless they are abusers. He has shown you who he is. You'd be wise to pay attention.

It's the fact he really thinks he's grown by giving his DP a heads up that's he's off to fuck another women for me!

Who the fuck does he think he is? OP he's beneath you.

Thanks everyone.
Ive got my head on well & truly straight now.
Thanks for the tv recs too -im going to have a lovely netflix binge, any further recs? Nothing gory though please!

I agree with everything rosabug said. And I definitely think he is with her this week, and that this has been going on for a lot longer than you think, whether EA or physical; I think he is just delaying ending it with you in order to not look like the bad guy. There is quite literally no way that this has come completely out of the blue when he actually works with her.

PLEASE end it with him before he does.
You will never trust him or feel safe and cosy again - they work together and every day you will feel sick knowing they are together.
You will always feel suspicious and insecure and a little bit shit.
Please end it now before he has the chance to, as I really think he is going to after he has had his 'space' anyway.
Even if he does come back, it will never be the same again, you know it, there is no point continuing.
Just send the simple one liner that rosabug suggested - "I can see it is over between us. I wish you the best of luck for your future"

• simple and powerful and dignified.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, but take back control and power and make yourself proud xx