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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP needs space - please help me through this

392 replies

Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:45

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
LadyH846 · 10/09/2020 14:20

Give him the boot for the sake of your self esteem, which takes too long to rebuild if you do the 'pick me' dance.

Rainagain72 · 10/09/2020 14:22

@Bunnymumy

If he was actually a decent human being then he would have ended it. Not asked you up wait while he decides if he wants to screw some random girl or not.

He is a total bastard. Dump. Perminantly.

I wouldn't be surprised if this is a control tactic and he wants you to feel insecure. And maybe he intends to come back but 'still have ferlings' for this other girl and spend then onwards making you feel not good enough in comparison. Or even like he may leave you for her at any given moment.

He isnt lovely. He is a dick.

This. Also, now that he’s acted this way once if you stay with him, the horrible feelings of insecurity and distress you have now will reoccur whether this woman stays on the scene or not...the security is gone and feeling that way can over time make you ill. You are worth more than having to feel this way OP.
GwendolineMarysLaces · 10/09/2020 14:22

WTF? So in theory, every time someone else shows an interest in him, he might stop and see if that suits him better? And you are expected to hang back while he decides? Whoa. He's clearly not as invested in this as you are unfortunately OP. Please don't facilitate it, even if this is a one-off it will destroy your self-esteem.

Chloemol · 10/09/2020 14:22

Sorry but if he is needing time to think about things, after the back on one text from someone saying they have had feelings for years the6 actually he doesn’t love you.

If he really felt there was a future and he loved you he would have immediately sent back a text telling her it’s a no go he’s happy etc. He didn’t he needed time to think, he admitted in the past he would likely have cheated

You deserve better, I would be texting and saying get your stuff you are out
Sorry

GwendolineMarysLaces · 10/09/2020 14:27

Oh, and the fact that he thinks it's somehow praiseworthy that he didn't 'just cheat' also speak volumes. Who the hell does he think he is?

FromTheAllotment · 10/09/2020 14:32

m.youtube.com/watch?v=2lGzJwksSv4

Beautiful South “Need A Little Time”. Especially the last verse. Good luck OP. Flowers

hesaidshesaidwhat · 10/09/2020 14:32

OP, can you imagine telling him that someone you used to know/worked with is interested in you and you just need time to think about it. How do you think he would react? How do you think anyone would react to be being told that effectively they are ok until something better comes along.

He's one of these guys that thinks the grass is always greener.

I feel for you OP but please have some pride in yourself, you and your son are worth more than this.

lowlandLucky · 10/09/2020 14:39

Go and listen to Beautiful souths "little time".

NeedALittleThyme · 10/09/2020 14:40

@Stealthynamechange I think you can do it. You can walk away from him. You knew to ask for opinions instead of just sitting and waiting for him to want you again. You've got this. The hardest part will probably be all the crap he spews to make you think you're being too harsh. But how can you ever trust him again? He knows your boundaries are off because you've just come from an abusive marriage. If he had your best interests at heart, he wouldn't even plant a seed of doubt to begin with. Your well-being would be too important to him. He sounds like a horrible person. I really hope you find the strength to walk away. I'm not a hypocrite though, I know it's hard xx

cakeandchampagne · 10/09/2020 14:50

He is telling the world: All offers considered.
Rather than a blanket: Not interested.

Iknowwhatsgoodforme · 10/09/2020 14:52

He’s probably shagging her as we speak.

Op, you deserve to be treated with so much more respect than this my lovely. I know it hurts, but please try to not ignore this great big flashing sign of things to come. He is showing you who his, so you better believe him. Take back control Flowers

sqirrelfriends · 10/09/2020 14:57

Sorry but if he was even a bit committed to your relationship then he wouldn't need time to think. You don't dump someone you love because someone tells you they fancy you.

Find someone who values you, you deserve better than the way he is treating you. Thanks

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 15:06

Thanks everyone, so much good advice. I love that beautiful south song.
I think once im over the shock i will be able to take action, probably in steps as one poster said.

OP posts:
ShitStain · 10/09/2020 15:10

If he loved you and was afraid to hurt and lose you he wouldn’t have given this woman a second thought.

He’s probably cheating with her.

Ilovetheseventies · 10/09/2020 15:11

Wow must be great for him to have this dilemma!
He really is a dick because even though this would still be despicable why did he have to tell you all the details. He could have just said he needed space it's not great but he really hasn't considered you at all.
I think what could possibly happen is that you get back with him but your pride has other ideas and forever more this will play on Yr mind. And you'll finish it.
I'm sure at one point or other we've all had other options open to us but we're not interested.
If you accept this and he comes scurrying back there will be more misery in store because the bar was been lowered so much.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/09/2020 15:14

Who the hell does he think he is? The arrogance of him expecting you to wait around while he decides if you're better than the other girl or not!! I'd send him a message saying that YOU have decided that a man who would treat you the way he has, doesn't deserve to be with you!

chatterbugmegastar · 10/09/2020 15:43

I love that you should be grateful as previously he would have cheated already Confused what a catch he is (not)

User43210 · 10/09/2020 16:05

@lowlandLucky

Go and listen to Beautiful souths "little time".
Was literally going to quote this song 😂 it's true, though!

Sorry OP. Sometimes I think MN are quick to attack the guys but in no way is this acceptable. He wants to sleep with her and come back to you to pick up where you left up or he wants to test the waters with her but keep you as a safety.

Nobody needs space in this situation unless they're basically cheating.

Greeneyes78 · 10/09/2020 16:12

space? what a crock of shit. come on op you know he’s out to you to one side until he’s shagged her.

WatieKatie · 10/09/2020 16:51

Sorry to hear that you have been put in this awful position OP. Being in limbo is the worst place possible, it’s a real head fuck.

I’m with @Marylou2 on this. I’d simply tell him that you’ll leave the ball in his court, something along the lines of ‘This isn’t what I want but I understand’. Then just go no contact. Do not respond to his messages or calls.

That way it gives you back control and you’re not left hanging. It will be very painful for the the week but gradually it will get better and most importantly in 3 or 4 weeks you will see things in a more balanced light and be able to decide what you want in a less emotional way. It will be a kick in the balls to him too as you won’t be pathetically chasing him.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the best

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 17:01

Thanks @WatieKatie i'm going to do this

Thank you to everyone, you've been brilliant, collective strength & wisdom is much appreciated.

Anyone recomend any good tv to take my mind off things??

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 10/09/2020 17:03

@Stealthynamechange

Thanks *@WatieKatie* i'm going to do this

Thank you to everyone, you've been brilliant, collective strength & wisdom is much appreciated.

Anyone recomend any good tv to take my mind off things??

Dead to me? Grin

*Its is actually very good and maybe fitting

Dery · 10/09/2020 17:08

Depends what kind of thing you like but if you like monster/sci-fi then Aliens (i.e. the second one in the franchise, after Alien) is one of my favourite films ever. Lots of action and one hell of a tough, take-no-shit heroine (indeed there are various tough, take-no-shit women in it).

rosabug · 10/09/2020 17:25

You have to ask yourself why he told you?

It's not honesty, it's not being straight, It's because he can, and he sensed you would crumble and take it. It's the best option for him: You're too unconfident to drop him, he gets to have all the drama at your expense (so is she by the way).

You are literally being shat on in the worst way possible. "in the past I would have cheated" Wow, that's a really crude piece of manipulation - don't you see it? You get to feel thankful he hasn't 'cheated' on you 'on this occasion".

If this had happened to me (the email from an admirer) and I was tempted, I would have kept quiet until it was sorted one way or another. I would not DUMP on my partner, whose well being as an individual I cared about presumably and left them hanging like a second hand coat. Unless of course I was a 17 year old brat.

It's very hard to see the woods for the trees when you have low esteem. But low esteem is not a permanent state of being. You build esteem by action.

BTW - he is sleeping with her and it is over. Generate some self esteem and end it now. Before he does - and he will.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/09/2020 17:27

But low esteem is not a permanent state of being. You build esteem by action.

I love that, so true