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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP needs space - please help me through this

392 replies

Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:45

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 07:40

Thank you, please keep the support coming, i have no bubble now, i feel so alone & heart broken.

OP posts:
Anxiousmess01 · 12/09/2020 07:49

Op remember that he hasn’t just done this to you, he’s done this to your little boy too. He wasn’t the person you thought he was and you’ve been strong enough to take charge of the situation Flowers Keep posting so we can keep you company and support you

AlternativePerspective · 12/09/2020 07:55

OP, have you actually told him yet that it’s over? Because that will be a big part of you moving forward. It will hurt at the time but if you’re still dwelling on the need to end it then that’s not going to be helping.

You need to take action if you haven’t already done so. Text him and tell him it’s over. Then you can concentrate on yourself.

Ohwhatbliss · 12/09/2020 07:56

There is no way on this Earth I would allow a man to treat me this way. He wants you to wait around whilst HE decides if he wants to be with you or goes off with someone else. Fuck that. Find your self respect

Miss81 · 12/09/2020 08:02

@Ohwhatbliss

There is no way on this Earth I would allow a man to treat me this way. He wants you to wait around whilst HE decides if he wants to be with you or goes off with someone else. Fuck that. Find your self respect

Who said she doesn't have any? Read her updates.

Go find your humanity, the way people talk to each other on here is vile.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 08:03

I have told him. Its killing me. We are still in love & that hurts so much. I dont understand what happened i probably never will. He wants to be friends, says he'll always love me but that spliting up is the right decision. I did try to persuade him otherwise. I know, im an idiot. Then rechannelled some dignity, told him its over & not to message me. Ive muted him, as hes still got some important things of mine so i cant block him. I dont know what to say to ds i cant keep the tears in.

OP posts:
iMatter · 12/09/2020 08:06

Have you ended it yet?

That's the only way you can take back control from this bastard.

He's spending the weekend with her, having a "test drive" and he'll only be back to you if she fails the test.

If you don't end it and he comes back to you then you're giving him permission to go off and shag around and your self esteem will hit the floor.

Don't be anyone's second choice/back up.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 08:08

Yes its over, im devastated.

OP posts:
iMatter · 12/09/2020 08:09

Well done OP

Be gentle on yourself

He doesn't love you like you love him (if at all). You don't treat someone you love like that.

Beware of the friends thing. It's just a way of keeping you in the background and stringing you along.

He's a bastard.

LadyH846 · 12/09/2020 08:10

Well done OP. You did the right thing, even though it hurts like hell. You can hold your head up high and say that you did NOT settle for his shit. You are worth so much more than this.

LadyH846 · 12/09/2020 08:11

@iMatter

Well done OP

Be gentle on yourself

He doesn't love you like you love him (if at all). You don't treat someone you love like that.

Beware of the friends thing. It's just a way of keeping you in the background and stringing you along.

He's a bastard.

I agree, don't be friends. It makes it harder to move on with next to no benefit to you. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them.
AlternativePerspective · 12/09/2020 08:15

He’s said that splitting up is the right thing because he was planning to end it after the weekend anyway.

If he’d wanted to be with you then you ending it would have given him the realisation that he didn’t want to lose you. Instead he has waved you off with a “let’s be friends.”

we’re still in love no, sadly that’s not true. you are in love but he isn’t.

Take the weekend to look after yourself, then get his stuff back to him and block him forever.

jigglypuffcookie · 12/09/2020 08:17

@Stealthynamechange you will be heartbroken just now and it will feel like it's consuming you. Call on friends to help with your son an be kind to yourself.
My husband left me recently and I've never felt pain like it but the pain is going and the tears have nearly gone. Take a day at a time and you will be ok.
Well done for knowing your worth.
Hugs 🤗

Restlessinthenorth · 12/09/2020 08:20

OP, you say "we are still in love". As gently as possible, he is NOT in love with you. What he proposed was cruel and not the action of someone who loves you, let alone is in love with you. Because you are still so emotionally involved it is hard to see quite how callous and insulting what he has done is. That perspective will come with time.

For now, block his number and every way he has to communicate with you. Cut all ties immediately. Do not turn this pain into misery by allowing him to throw you scraps of attention which will only make you feel worse. Take care of yourself and be kind

Opentooffers · 12/09/2020 09:19

Either send a friend or family member to get your stuff or send one message to say you'll get your stuff in a month's time, if you can wait that long for it, then block. It really is the least painful way to not see him again.
If you have been TTC for a year, as another poster said and you hadn't even got as far as living together, and only seeing each other for 1.5 years then you need to revise your expectations and plans. Tbh, I wouldn't even count someone you don't live with as a partner, it's more a BF. The reaction of your son crying for him, is showing you how you need to better protect and consider your DS before introducing and involving a BF in his life to the extent you obviously have. It's sad, but we all make mistakes though. You can learn from this and go about things differently in future, with more commitment before involving someone in your family - pref protection of marriage before kids or you could end up with 2 or more DC, on your own, and financially shafted.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/09/2020 09:23

So if splitting up was the right decision, why didn't he have the balls to do it? Instead, he made YOU be the 'bad guy' and call a halt.

Also, if splitting up was the right decisions (for him), then he definitely thinks he's on a promise with Little Miss 'Has Feelings For Him'. If he didn't he would have tried to talk you out of it. He either was, or is about to, shag her and now he can do it with a clear conscience rather than (as he was clearly going to/already doing so) feeling guilty.

bookworm100 · 12/09/2020 09:59

The way he has gone about this is very cruel. He should have just taken a weekend if that is all it is, made up his mind and then either stayed with you and moved on and spared your feelings or told you and broken up. There is absolutely no reason for him to have told you this and speaks volumes about the man to me. It's not being honest, it's being hurtful and self-centred (does he secretly enjoy how this is making you feel?) Personally I would see this as a red flag and run. It will hurt like hell but you deserve to be with someone who respects you enough not to toy with you like this. So sorry OP, I went through a breakup recently and was suicidal. Now I see it was for the best. Wishing you all the love and strength Thanks

bookworm100 · 12/09/2020 10:02

Sorry, I've just seen the later posts. Good for you OP! You can and will find the love you deserve. I have also been watching all the films! Sending lots of love xxx

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 10:47

Yes ive learnt my lesson.
He already knew ds as we were friends first. So not quite as bad as it sounds.
Hes bringing my stuff back tonight when ds is asleep, hes got a bank card i need back. I dont know how i'll get through it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 10:51

thank you to everyone sending love, i truly appreciate it.
Please keep all your tips & support coming. I need your collective strength right now

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 12/09/2020 10:58

OP he's a snake in the grass and given time you will find your anger and get through this. You do not need a weak spineless man in you or your childs life. This is who he is, first sign of something new, he is gone. Nobody can live with that insecurity especially not your child.. You hold your head up high OP and you will get through this. 🌺

Dozer · 12/09/2020 10:58

Don’t ask him in, take the stuff at the door! Nothing to discuss. No further contact then best.

Whatever your feelings are for him and his for you, he’s not treated you well - lied about his history of cheating and now this. So going back at any time can only lead to more pain.

Sakurami · 12/09/2020 11:07

Well done op. He isn't the man you thought he was, so the man you are in love with isn't him.

Big hugs because I know how much it hurts but you will get over it and be fine and happy again.

Sakurami · 12/09/2020 11:08

Let him leave the stuff at your door and if he doesn't to return the bank card, cancel it

Bunnymumy · 12/09/2020 11:48

Agree with pps: don't let him in, dont try to stay friends (he isn't your friend anyway, he's a dick) and well bloody done you!

Also he is probably only agreeing about ending things rn, in order to make it seem mutual: to save his ego. I'm betting he would have been happy enough to string you along. Be prepared for him to attempt to show back up when things go south with work girl. Or when he wants you to think they have.

Good luck later with the item exchange!