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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend won't answer phone to ex wife in my presence

146 replies

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 12:26

Hi
Name changed.
I am in a short relationship (8 months) but we have been friends much longer. It isn't just 'dates'.
My boyfriend is 55 and has been divorced 3 years. His ex told me she had 2 affairs and now regrets it. They have a son and a daughter. He is open about the fact we have been dating. I see the ex regularly at a joint hobby and although she didn't really speak to me before she now makes an effort to talk to me all the time. This makes me a bit uneasy as I don't really see why.
He will not answer his phone if she calls and he is with me. Or he will turn his phone off.
He has a small circle I have been introduced to his friends colleagues and children. It is just with her, they have custody issues which are difficult and have argued a lot.
I just don't understand why he won't speak in front of me. He says it's not polite and would be pissed off if during our short times together I just spoke on the phone. I also get that we haven't been together long.
But with the ex seeming to be friendly with me I just wonder, if things aren't as they seem. My ex husband had a secret family for 15 years and I cannot simply be arsed with that shit and will not be humiliated.
Am thinking of ending it. Advice would be nice.

OP posts:

DiscombobulatedAf · 07/09/2020 12:32

I wouldn’t end it just make it clear you don’t mind if he takes her calls when you’re around. Let him know you think it’s odd he doesn’t and see if anything changes. Tbh I don’t think I’d have phone calls with an ex in the presence of my current partner either

wishing3 · 07/09/2020 12:35

I don’t think it’s necessarily weird, but I think that if it stresses you out you should explain this to him in a non-judgemental way.

wishing3 · 07/09/2020 12:35

Sorry about what you went through with your ex husband-it sounds horrific.

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 12:35

Oh really? That's interesting thank you.
I have said that, he said ok in future he will talk with her when I am there. She knows we are together. Our children play football together so go to each other's houses.
My father was also massive womaniser and totally humiliated my mother. I remember it dehumanised her by the end and destroyed her.
I love him but am not so invested as to waste my time hoping he will treat me nicely.
Simultaneously we are brilliant as friends, I am attracted to him and he is very respectful of me.

OP posts:

Kinneddar · 07/09/2020 12:37

I think you're over reacting. Hes given his reason for not taking her calls and it doesn't seem unreasonable. As for her speaking to you why are you looking at that so negatively. It looks like she's trying to be pleasant and is acknowledging youre part of his and her children's life.

What on earth is potentially humiliating

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 12:37

My ex husband had secret kids and gave me STDs more than one time. I couldn't work out what was happening. He would also turn his phone off or not answer.
I have not discussed this with the current man.
Do they all cheat? Is there any point?

OP posts:

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 12:40

@Kinneddar

What on earth is potentially humiliating

I see it almost as a conspiracy against me in some ways. This is down to the person I trusted being so awful. What is humiliating is them and everyone else knowing I am some stupid desperate fool whilst they are still together. This is what happened with my ex husband. Everyone knew except me. I am tearful just remembering it. I have been on my own for years quite happily then this man asked me out and has treated me very well. He is very simple in how he lives his life and not obsessed by women in general. But what I can't see I can't trust and that may be the problem. Why would he not answer? It just created awkwardness this morning and I couldn't wait to just leave. I am not sure I want to even talk to him again.

OP posts:

Kinneddar · 07/09/2020 12:48

Youre letting your previous experience cloud your judgement. While that's understandable to an extent you can't let it ruin this and other future relationships.

He gave a rational explanation for the calls. Maybe you need to be a bit more honest with him. You've said he treats you well. His split with his ex sounds amicable if she's actively seeking you out to chat. If think it was odder if she blanked you.

No not all men cheat and your partner has done nothing whatsoever to warrant you suspecting him. To say you don't think you want to see him again because of this is ridiculous. He's not your ex. Don't assume he's going to treat you the way your ex did. He sounds like a good guy

TwentyViginti · 07/09/2020 12:49

Regardless of opinions on here, if something doesn't feel right to you, then it doesn't.

Maybe the way you are all entangled with each other via kids hobbies and yours is too much for you?

PlateTectonics · 07/09/2020 12:55

Your ex and your dad sound horrendous- not all men are like that. Give this guy a chance. I think it’s fine not to want to speak to his ex in front of you. It’s probably that he would feel awkward about it.

Julie879 · 07/09/2020 12:56

I had an ex who got irritated when I DID answer the phone to a previous ex.... I think his reasons are good. You are worried that he want to be endearing to her on the phone and can't do it in front of you? It's much more likely that he doesn't want to disrespect you or your time together. Or even that he will be annoyed with her and doesn't want to show you that/ mar your time with that.

baileys6904 · 07/09/2020 13:43

I actually went out of the room when my DPs ex rang, purely to give him some privacy. I tend to leave the room when my ex rings, as usually it can get a bit argumentative and I don't want dp seeing that. There's nothing going on with myself and my ex, or DP and his ex. I just feel it is polite and respectful to allow private conversation

ClementineWoolysocks · 07/09/2020 13:51

I wouldn't be comfortable talking to an ex in front of my now partner especially if the conversation could devolve into an argument. If he needs to have a private conversation with her it's best not to do it with you present.

LonelyFromCorona · 07/09/2020 13:59

You say they argue. You say you don't spend a lot of time together.

I think his reasoning is perfectly fine. Trying to suggest to him you find it odd will only push him away i suspect

user1493413286 · 07/09/2020 14:03

I can understand with your past experiences why you’d feel how you do but I think it’s respectful in a way. DH will often go out of the room to talk to his ex and I prefer it that way and if we’re doing something like eating or any activity then he’ll call her back.

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 14:41

I have no experience of good relationships but together it is lovely. He is very respectful of me. He buys me nice things not too often but just to action his feelings.
He is proud to take me out where we live for meals and to introduce me to his work and friends.
I conversely havent told any of my friends or family i am seeing anyone because i feel shame that really its all a nasty joke and one day he will laugh in my face and be amused i thought he could have been serious.
He has spoken to me a lot about the divorce so i guess maybe i feel that if i know it all why would you act like you are hiding something?
I get awful feelings of abandonment for small things such as if he pauses before responding if i ask him something or if he has to leave to see to his son. I dont show this but feel horribly scared inside.
He seems a bit good to be true.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2020 15:00

You are massively overreacting, and on the verge of being controlling. He has every right to not speak to his ex in front of you. It clearly makes him uncomfortable, and why it does is none of your business.

If you won't stop comparing this man to your ex, do him a favour and end it. He has done nothing to make you think he's being dishonest, and he deserves to be with someone who trusts and appreciates him for who he is.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/09/2020 15:09

It all depends why she keeps ringing him. How old are the kids? Surely he can just communicate with them why does he have to communicate with her anyway

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 15:12

He is trying to communicate less with her and more by email
It is her who keeps ringing as far as i know
As for deserving to be trusted, I am not sure anyone can be trusted 100 percent. To do that is unwise
I am aware if a man had huge issues around a females ex husband it would sound bad. I havent kicked off or argued over it but did go very quiet today and made my excuses to leave.
I dont accuse or make threats but if there are signs of me being humiliated I will leave
Thats why I asked for an objective opinion here

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 07/09/2020 15:14

There is nothing suspicious about that behaviour on its own so it's definitely your past clouding your judgement.
I am not surprised that you are traumatised though by what happened and triggered by anything that reminds you of it.
Unfortunately you will probably find yourself triggered by lots of different things over the years so your focus should switch to trying to heal from that trauma.

I think it's basic respect that he doesn't answer the phone in front of you...especially if they are having bad arguments about custody arrangements and so on. They are highly emotive arguments and the only ones who should really hear them is the parents themselves. Things are said that maybe the people involved don't necessarily mean...and that the people involved may forgive the other person for when emotions die down but new partners may form opinions on the ex because they'll naturally take their partners side.

As for her trying to be friendly, that to me is a good sign that she wants a good relationship with you because you're around her children.

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 15:15

She makes any excuse to contact him though.
She regrets her affair and lost a lot of life quality by doing so. She never met anyone else after OM wouldn't leave his wife. She expected he would take her back but he didn't.
She respects no boundaries. That is why I am suspicious she wants to know me.

OP posts:

movingonup20 · 07/09/2020 15:22

When dp's ex rings (they are amicable and there's identifiable reasons why they need to be in contact) he usually takes his phone upstairs, not because he's got an issue with me hearing but he doesn't want to bother me. I wouldn't be suspicious myself. I don't usually call exh in his presence either, we mostly email anyway

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 15:28

See i have no contact with my ex at all. So cannot see why you would need that relationship if you are divorced. I am very much once it is over you move on and never speak again but know others are different

OP posts:

RoseTintedAtuin · 07/09/2020 15:30

My DH prefers to go to a different room if on phone to exw as he thinks it is respectful to both and I think he can’t think clearly trying to deal with us both in his head at the same time

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 15:35

So it seems more normal than i thought. I never had a relationship since my divorce.

OP posts:

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