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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend won't answer phone to ex wife in my presence

146 replies

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 12:26

Hi
Name changed.
I am in a short relationship (8 months) but we have been friends much longer. It isn't just 'dates'.
My boyfriend is 55 and has been divorced 3 years. His ex told me she had 2 affairs and now regrets it. They have a son and a daughter. He is open about the fact we have been dating. I see the ex regularly at a joint hobby and although she didn't really speak to me before she now makes an effort to talk to me all the time. This makes me a bit uneasy as I don't really see why.
He will not answer his phone if she calls and he is with me. Or he will turn his phone off.
He has a small circle I have been introduced to his friends colleagues and children. It is just with her, they have custody issues which are difficult and have argued a lot.
I just don't understand why he won't speak in front of me. He says it's not polite and would be pissed off if during our short times together I just spoke on the phone. I also get that we haven't been together long.
But with the ex seeming to be friendly with me I just wonder, if things aren't as they seem. My ex husband had a secret family for 15 years and I cannot simply be arsed with that shit and will not be humiliated.
Am thinking of ending it. Advice would be nice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 08/09/2020 10:26

I dont think he would deliberately manipulate me. He just talks about his past as most people do. I know she is pissed off that she has to work as she told me.

OP posts:

incognitomum · 08/09/2020 10:28

Aw diddums poor love.

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 08/09/2020 10:34

Also she turns up at things we do together say for instance if the kids mention we have something planned. Like go for lunch or something.
Surely that is batshit-who would actually have the audacity for that?
She told me she is jealous of me.
So it feels i am a second family-l because she positions herself as first wife and tells me all about things they did with his colleagues and friends
I dont think that is paranoia tbh

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 08/09/2020 10:35

Don't let her tell you anything! You are not friends. Shut it down. No chatting.

OldBean2 · 08/09/2020 10:49

OP, disengage from the ex wife, this is is what your partner is trying to do. My poor sister had similar issues with my BiL's first wife, she turned up at hotels where they were staying but learnt not to tell his children where they were going lest they let it slip.

Take a breath, you new man is not your ex or your father, he is a new man and untainted by your past. He sounds rather a decent sort, who is polite and considerate, with more than the measure of his ex. If possible find somewhere else to do your hobby, this woman is not your friend, so don't let her in.

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 08/09/2020 10:55

Thank you very much
I really do appreciate everyone's advice

OP posts:

incognitomum · 08/09/2020 12:46

She told you she's jealous? How mad.

litterbird · 08/09/2020 13:17

So sorry OP you are going through this. I was traumatised 5 years ago by a sudden abandonment by a partner for OW. I had to get therapy as I became paranoid that any man was going to hurt me like the other one did. I had a lot of CBT therapy and it took quite some time to stop believing every man was going to hurt me so badly. Please seek help as your man sounds quite lovely. He is not speaking to his ex probably out of respect for you. I would hate it if your patterned thinking due to your childhood and previous partners pushed this latest partner away due to your thinking. Not everyone behaves like parents or exes that have hurt you. I still get anxiety if my boyfriend goes quiet for a few days, I don't act on it as I know he is a good man and just busy. I get that horrible abandonment feeling but my therapist gave me the tools to work through these really uncomfortable feelings and not act on them. Its tough to change a mindset but it can be done successfully x

litterbird · 08/09/2020 13:20

Oh and step away from the ex wife......seriously, what is she up to????

Gilda152 · 08/09/2020 13:34

Viva yep

But now OP has gone one to share more stuff which sounds nutty as squirrel crap about exw turning up to lunches etc. OP the problem is a lot bigger than the phone isn't it. You and she are rivals in both your heads.

PerveenMistry · 08/09/2020 15:56

I do think it's rude to answer non-emergency phone calls when socializing. Maybe he just has traditional good manners.

WiserOlder · 08/09/2020 18:50

Absolutely find a new place to do the hobby! even if it feels like you walked away at first, even if it feels like defeat at first, you will get to know people in the new location/group and deep down she'll know that YOU chose to walk away because you can (you are brave enough).

Totally different situation as it's not a romantic partner's x, but I'm in a group (a group i have every right to be in, won't say more as I don't want to risk her reading this and recognising herself!) but there is one member of this group who has blown smoke up everybody else's ass and love bombed them while simultaneously ICING me. It is quite noticeable I think, except nobody has said they have noticed. I hover on the outskirts of the group, communicating only very rarely, which felt like a defeat and a loss to begin with but as time as gone by, I've felt better for it. It has occupied less of my thoughts and 'IVE' benefited from that. She is still a beeee-atch looking for somebody to cast in the role of stooge to exclude. I don't need to try and make somebody else feel like a piece of shit in order to feel good about myself. She clearly does. Sometimes people are very emotionally immature and they vomit their unresolved issues on to your lap.

Original poster

Isthisnormalorishelying · 08/09/2020 21:00

@litterbird

I am sorry you went through that also. I am glad you managed to work through it. It appears I am going to have to also x

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/09/2020 10:45

I know exactly how you feel, but tbh it wouldn't be any better if he did answer the phone in front of you, especially if his ex still has feelings for him, because you'll hear the easiness and familiarity of their conversations and his tone of voice and immediately feel shit about that too! I speak from experience.

My DP's ex has no boundaries, phones him at all hours about stupid things that could easily wait until they see each other next (most days ) or could be put in a text so as not to be intrusive, but no, she'll call him and loudly greet him "Hey babe!" and he'll laugh and be all friendly to her and it just drives me up the wall!

She phoned him at midnight on NYE one year, on Valentine's day one evening while we were in bed etc and he always answers - just in case its about the DCs, which it never is. The NYE one she didn't even ask to speak to the kids, just wanted to wish him a happy new year, and Valentines was to tell him her sister was pregnant

To be fair, even when they'd argue in the early days it made me uncomfortable. He thought it proved to me that they were incompatible, but as I said to him "the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference, so while you think I want to see that you hate her, I don't. Your anger at her is a sign that you still feel hurt over what she did".

So these days I ask that he takes calls from her elsewhere, (and he also takes his DCs Facetime calls elsewhere now, as she always butts in on them too!) then I don't have to hear her stupid loud voice, or him giggling and simpering when she says something funny, or that the call is completely pointless and could have waited!

Honestly, be thankful that he's sparing you that shit. I know it must be hard to get over what your ex did to you, so make sure he understands that this is the reason you feel uncomfortable about it. Any amount of counselling won't erase those feelings, but it might help you to feel more relaxed about this relationship and that nobody would have been judging you for not knowing what an utter bastard your ex was. Anyone who knew and didn't tell you should be ashamed of themselves, not judging you.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/09/2020 11:00

So it feels i am a second family-l because she positions herself as first wife and tells me all about things they did with his colleagues and friends
I dont think that is paranoia tbh

yup, we have this too! His ex managed to turn "pass the salt" into a happy memory of how they all used to have lunch together and his grandad would always ask her to pass the salt

She also used one of their DCs' birthdays as a chance to tell the whole family about how amazing his "super sperm" was that he'd got her "knocked up" so quickly. Some people just have no tact and don't seem to realise or care that its not their place anymore.

Given what you went through your BF is going to need to be extremely open and transparent about everything and totally understanding of your position. I'm sure you bring loads of good things to the relationship so its in his best interests to make sure you feel as secure as possible in this situation.

How does he react when his ex oversteps - does he even notice or clearly feel uncomfortable with it himself? Have you spoken about this or are you too busy trying to stuff it down and pretend you're ok? You also need to be open and transparent - being vulnerable is very hard, but its the only way to build trust and love. Giving him the tools and ammunition to hurt you and trusting that he won't is a huge leap of faith, but without it, you won't be able to have true intimacy because you'll always be hiding a very important piece of yourself.

incognitomum · 09/09/2020 11:24

MarkRuffaloCrumble how do you put up with that? I just couldn't.

SoulofanAggron · 09/09/2020 11:42

I still think the phone thing would bother me, but I should've read more of the thread.

Therapy would help you with your levels of panic/worry etc- maybe EMDR therapy as that's good for targeting painful memories and their effects.

You need to have as little as possible to do with his ex- don't have any conversations with her privately. If she tries then tell her you have to go etc.

Yes, her 'stalking' you both isn't normal. It's clear she's still into your BF. What does he have to say about it all, including the 'stalking?' Or doesn't he recognize it?

Notverybright · 09/09/2020 11:45

Good luck op, I hope it all works out well for you. It takes a huge amount of bravery and strength to open yourself up again.

VesperLynne · 09/09/2020 11:54

First of all he's not your ex-husband but his priority are his children. His ex wife is part of that. If they have parental issue he may not want to air that in public. To be honest you're just his girlfriend, if you feel threatened or uncomfortable with any of that then yes, end it.

Showandtell1 · 09/09/2020 12:18

Yeah i still may dand i might be only a girlfriend. I am not expecting to be treated as a wife. But i also dont want to waste my time on someone who isnt into me enough to prioritise me and be honest.
I am just a human who deserves decent treatment. There is no hierarchy of time.
I also dont want to get 5 years in for the ex to still turn up on lunch dates or call so he can kill a spider or knock a nail into a wall because, you know, a woman can't possibly do that..

Showandtell1 · 09/09/2020 12:19

@SoulofanAggron

I still think the phone thing would bother me, but I should've read more of the thread.

Therapy would help you with your levels of panic/worry etc- maybe EMDR therapy as that's good for targeting painful memories and their effects.

You need to have as little as possible to do with his ex- don't have any conversations with her privately. If she tries then tell her you have to go etc.

Yes, her 'stalking' you both isn't normal. It's clear she's still into your BF. What does he have to say about it all, including the 'stalking?' Or doesn't he recognize it?

He recognises it and ia making attempts to reduce it but with custody difficulties in mind. Henceforth every communication is 'for the children'. I swear some people wouldn't function as parents on their own-but thats just because I have done it for years.

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