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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't answer phone to ex wife in my presence

146 replies

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 12:26

Hi
Name changed.
I am in a short relationship (8 months) but we have been friends much longer. It isn't just 'dates'.
My boyfriend is 55 and has been divorced 3 years. His ex told me she had 2 affairs and now regrets it. They have a son and a daughter. He is open about the fact we have been dating. I see the ex regularly at a joint hobby and although she didn't really speak to me before she now makes an effort to talk to me all the time. This makes me a bit uneasy as I don't really see why.
He will not answer his phone if she calls and he is with me. Or he will turn his phone off.
He has a small circle I have been introduced to his friends colleagues and children. It is just with her, they have custody issues which are difficult and have argued a lot.
I just don't understand why he won't speak in front of me. He says it's not polite and would be pissed off if during our short times together I just spoke on the phone. I also get that we haven't been together long.
But with the ex seeming to be friendly with me I just wonder, if things aren't as they seem. My ex husband had a secret family for 15 years and I cannot simply be arsed with that shit and will not be humiliated.
Am thinking of ending it. Advice would be nice.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 07/09/2020 16:39

See i have no contact with my ex at all. So cannot see why you would need that relationship if you are divorced. I am very much once it is over you move on and never speak again but know others are different
So what about your children OP? How do you sort out access with their dad if you have no contact?

Also, you want to keep the fact you’re seeing each other a secret? I would consider that to be far more of a red flag than someone who doesn’t answer phone calls from their ex....

vanillandhoney · 07/09/2020 16:39

I very much enjoy our time together. It is only on the occasions he refused to answer the phone that it made me worry

If everything else is so wonderful, why does such a minor issue worry you? He's well within his rights to want to keep his relationship with his ex away from your relationship as a couple.

incognitomum · 07/09/2020 16:40

It's her that's the problem. I totally agree she's being friendly to get information. Smiling assassin.

How old are dcs?

Do you think he actually would have her back? Maybe try to have an open an honest discussion with him. Don't walk away as he does sound lovely.

You would probably do well to work on your own self esteem regarding relationships. You've been shit on from a great height Flowers

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 16:44

@AlternativePerspective

See i have no contact with my ex at all. So cannot see why you would need that relationship if you are divorced. I am very much once it is over you move on and never speak again but know others are different So what about your children OP? How do you sort out access with their dad if you have no contact?

Also, you want to keep the fact you’re seeing each other a secret? I would consider that to be far more of a red flag than someone who doesn’t answer phone calls from their ex....

Access is done through a third party family member. I will never speak to him again. He blames me for being unreasonable but in this instance i think it is justified. It affected my mental health to the point i had to block any contact from him just to survive. I am keeping it secret first because if he transpired to be with the ex i wouldnt look stupid and second so people wouldnt gossip and laugh about me I find people and the world are hostile and like to keep away. This guy pursued me for almost a year and in the end i felt quite comfortable with him. I am scared that this will just prove that all people are liars amd nasty I have one friend. It took me 6 years to let her in my house The fact he got in is exceptional. I appear social outside but I have no intimacy with anyone
OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 16:45

@incognitomum

It's her that's the problem. I totally agree she's being friendly to get information. Smiling assassin.

How old are dcs?

Do you think he actually would have her back? Maybe try to have an open an honest discussion with him. Don't walk away as he does sound lovely.

You would probably do well to work on your own self esteem regarding relationships. You've been shit on from a great height Flowers

He wouldnt have her back. Cant say he wouldnt sleep with her as all men would given a chance and she is all helpless female and cant do anything for herself Depends on him because she would. She likes being worshipped
OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 16:46

I know

OP posts:
incognitomum · 07/09/2020 16:52

All men wouldn't. But until you realise that you're going to have a problem with relationships.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2020 16:52

Cant say he wouldnt sleep with her as all men would given a chance...

You are being ridiculous, op. This is complete and utter bullshit. You painting all men with the same brush is not only unfair, it will ruin any chance you have of happiness.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 16:55

How can you tell if they would or wouldn't? And how many men would actually in front of a woman throwing herself at him say no sorry

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 07/09/2020 16:55

You want to keep the entire relationship a secret but you think it's a red flag that he doesn't want to speak to his ex in front of you? You think he'd sleep with her if given the chance because "all men would"?

In the nicest possible way, you sound like you need to get some counselling. Your relationship with your ex has obviously left you with a lot of ongoing issues and it's not fair to project them onto your partner like this. Each time you post, it's bringing up more red flags to me - but on your half, not his.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 16:58

@vanillandhoney

You want to keep the entire relationship a secret but you think it's a red flag that he doesn't want to speak to his ex in front of you? You think he'd sleep with her if given the chance because "all men would"?

In the nicest possible way, you sound like you need to get some counselling. Your relationship with your ex has obviously left you with a lot of ongoing issues and it's not fair to project them onto your partner like this. Each time you post, it's bringing up more red flags to me - but on your half, not his.

Thats true. But similarly does anyone want to walk hand in hand in front of everyone they know the minute they have met someone or would they rather wait to see if they can trust them? I just dont want to look an idiot in front of everyone. The thought of telling people makes me feel sick and embarrassed. They will all wonder what he is doing with me. I have taken him out and people we knew did see and comment. I was burning inside with shame but did it to make him happy and dont think he noticed.
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2020 17:00

If you really feel this way about all men, you should do the honourable thing and break up with your boyfriend. You are doing him a massive disservice. In your eyes, he is guilty and not worthy of trust even though he hasn't done a thing wrong. I feel very sad for him, honestly.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 17:09

But the alternative to how i am would be to be some naive pathetic woman mooning over how lovely it is
Wow i have issues with relationships
To me they humiliate you publically. On the other hand this chap seems nice.
If he never had contact with any other woman it would be great but i could never and would never expect that so all the time you are just waiting for it to happen before the familiar kick to the stomach humiliation recurs
I was speaking to someone about emma Thompson's xmas day scene in love actually and how all women know that feeling.
It is a feeling that just comes every time. I feel brief versions of that every time he leaves early or has a phone call or something. Or if he doesnt answer. He didnt answer one night at midnight and my gut just said he was with the ex wife and I sat and cried
I cant bring myself to look so stupid.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 07/09/2020 17:11

Burning inside with shame?
That's pretty intense.
I think you need to look at what's going on for you before you look to him and what's going on with him & her.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 17:12

I havent ever actioned or discussed any of this. I just feel it silently. I am not abusive or anything. The other day he came round and looked at his watch and I was so convinced he didnt want to be there that I told him to leave and go to work. I can't bear he would be near me and not want to be because of how embarrassing it would be.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 07/09/2020 17:13

After reading your latest update, I really think talking through with a professional will help as you are holding onto a LOT of stuff. Your internal stuff needs to be addressed before any relationship would work

Julie879 · 07/09/2020 17:13

I really think you need to consider some form of counselling OP. Your self esteem sounds so low and you are so protective to your feelings that I fear the biggest danger to them could in fact be yourself.... I am so sorry you were hurt in the past but nothing , absolutely nothing you have said about your partner raises alarm bells for me. Like a previous poster has said though some of the things you have said has gave me pause to wonder if you are at all ready for a relationship. Please consider this.

Julie879 · 07/09/2020 17:15

You told him to leave because he looked at his watch? You really need to consider this, it's not good for either of you to live like this. If he's aware of this he will literally be walking on eggshells to the point where he can't look at his watch. It's not fair, and it's not healthy for either of you.

vanillandhoney · 07/09/2020 17:18

Thats true. But similarly does anyone want to walk hand in hand in front of everyone they know the minute they have met someone or would they rather wait to see if they can trust them? I just dont want to look an idiot in front of everyone.

The thought of telling people makes me feel sick and embarrassed. They will all wonder what he is doing with me. I have taken him out and people we knew did see and comment. I was burning inside with shame but did it to make him happy and dont think he noticed.

I honestly think you need to break up with him and focus on your own issues. There's absolutely nothing wrong with dating someone for a few months and then deciding it's not for you. Why on earth would that be embarrassing or make you look like an idiot? People have short-term relationships all the time - it's totally normal and arguably quite healthy. Much better to decide things won't work after three months than to drag things out for three years.

The fact that you described feeling a "burning shame" when you're out with him is just odd, sorry.

vanillandhoney · 07/09/2020 17:19

@Isthisnormalorishelying

I havent ever actioned or discussed any of this. I just feel it silently. I am not abusive or anything. The other day he came round and looked at his watch and I was so convinced he didnt want to be there that I told him to leave and go to work. I can't bear he would be near me and not want to be because of how embarrassing it would be.
You say you haven't actioned any of it...then go on to describe a moment where you've done exactly that Confused
Redglitter · 07/09/2020 17:20

But the alternative to how i am would be to be some naive pathetic woman mooning over how lovely it is

No the alternative is to be happy and enjoying a new relationship with what sounds like a nice guy.

Youre waiting for him to let you down. Youre expecting it. And you keep going on about being humiliated. Even if it did end thats part of life and not necessarily humiliating. Ive been in relationships that have ended and I've felt a lot of emotions but I've never once felt humiliated

You really don't sound as if mentally you're ready for a relationship just now. You need to look at the way you feel and think.

You should definitely consider counselling otherwise your relationship has no chance

PlateTectonics · 07/09/2020 17:20

You told him to leave because he looked at his watch?? Honestly OP, you need therapy.

Kinneddar · 07/09/2020 17:21

I have taken him out and people we knew did see and comment. I was burning inside with shame

That really is not normal or healthy behaviour

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 17:23

Yes i think i may have to seek some help. Having stds was so terribly humiliating for me. They are all treated now i pose no risk i did check.
At the time I worked as a receptionist and our clinic was next door to the gum clinic so all my colleagues also knew.
It was like a nightmare that wouldnt end. I had to have repeated hiv tests because of his high risk behaviour. His family all knew. I didnt miss him but it was so awful i wanted to die. I have blanked it all but i remember feeling so contaminated I couldnt go out or be with anyone. I had depression and spent a year in bed

On my own I was in a good place professionally and have a nice home. Objectively i look quite successful. But since this man came along i wonder what the hell and the crux is that now i have him i realise how lonely i have been and the thought of going back to that is quite hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 17:24

He needed to go to work anyway. I told him to get off early and complete something he needed to do. I did not kick off and force him out of my house

OP posts: