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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't answer phone to ex wife in my presence

146 replies

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 12:26

Hi
Name changed.
I am in a short relationship (8 months) but we have been friends much longer. It isn't just 'dates'.
My boyfriend is 55 and has been divorced 3 years. His ex told me she had 2 affairs and now regrets it. They have a son and a daughter. He is open about the fact we have been dating. I see the ex regularly at a joint hobby and although she didn't really speak to me before she now makes an effort to talk to me all the time. This makes me a bit uneasy as I don't really see why.
He will not answer his phone if she calls and he is with me. Or he will turn his phone off.
He has a small circle I have been introduced to his friends colleagues and children. It is just with her, they have custody issues which are difficult and have argued a lot.
I just don't understand why he won't speak in front of me. He says it's not polite and would be pissed off if during our short times together I just spoke on the phone. I also get that we haven't been together long.
But with the ex seeming to be friendly with me I just wonder, if things aren't as they seem. My ex husband had a secret family for 15 years and I cannot simply be arsed with that shit and will not be humiliated.
Am thinking of ending it. Advice would be nice.

OP posts:
incognitomum · 07/09/2020 20:38

What was your childhood like? I'm a great believer this moulds what we put up with....or don't.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 21:38

Dad created an atmosphere based on his moods. I felt unwelcome in my own home and very unwanted.
He was violent and a womanizer who lied about everything. I knew even when my naive mum believed him he was lying. I thought she was stupid for trusting him. He had multiple affairs including with prostitutes. He drank heavily. He would smash the house up when we behaved in a way deemed unsuitable-totally unpredictable.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 07/09/2020 21:46

In the nicest possible way, OP, you are self sabotaging. Have you had any kind of therapy? Your childhood impression of men-father=big womaniser, humiliated your mum regularly-seems to be affecting your relationship now. You say you are paranoid that your DP is with his ex and he will give into her desire to have him back/have sex without a second thought. Nice blokes don’t do this. He didn’t take her back for a reason!

I think either therapy is needed or you just aren’t ready to trust him. This is going to seriously damage the relationship.

Bluntness100 · 07/09/2020 21:49

Honestly I think you need to get some quite urgent help op. I’m sorry but you really do. You need help to come to terms with your child hood, your ex, and to trust people and stop being so concerned about what randoms think of you.

This is all really quite disturbing. And the way you write it, like it’s all normal.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 21:50

No therapy no. Just thought i was doing ok until now

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 07/09/2020 21:51

I think he is just trying to be respectful , however I would explain why you are a bit touchy if he isnt 100 % aware- he will get that I am sure

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 21:52

I thought you would all say yeah he's secretive and probably cheating. It seems to come up a lot on here. I actually can't believe everyone has said the opposite. It is quite an eye opener for me. I really felt that this was it it must be happening again.
I thought that this is normal. I see other people married long term and they seem fine but i have never known anyone nice and anyone nice has never wanted me anyway.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 07/09/2020 21:59

OP, you’re concerned about what people will think of you for going out with someone and yet you’re not concerned what people think of you because of your attitude, your mistrust, your insecurity?

I know it sounds harsh but the latter is far more worthy of judgement.

If my DS or a male friend told me that their partner was so insecure and so untrusting, and didn’t want anyone to know about the relationship I would urge him to end the relationship.

louise4745 · 07/09/2020 22:00

It all sounds messy. Don't date the ex of a woman you know or the dad of your kids friends.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 22:00

Yes so would i

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 07/09/2020 23:10

You have a lot of negative things to say about his ex and I expect he is trying to not throw fuel on the fire by conducting their communication in front of you. As others have stated the problem I think is very much yours to address.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 23:23

I dont think i have said much negative about her at all. My opinion is based in what he tells me. So if he then refuses to speak ti her in front of me, after telling me negative things, then of course that strikes me as strange.

OP posts:
Dontletitbeyou · 08/09/2020 06:43

Honestly , reading this it seems as though you have deeply traumatised by a difficult childhood . I agree that therapy / counseling might be a good option for you .
You seem to feel persecuted by others ( in your own words ) which to a greater extent isn’t healthy or normal . I hate the term normal , but you get what I mean .
You have had a awful experience with your ex , who sounds vile . That said all men are not cheats . I think it’s hard to talk to an ex in front of a current partner . You are aware that your words and manner are being watched closely , and it all becomes very awkward . It’s not something I would ever do .He may have picked up on your vibes towards his ex, which will exacerbate the problem .
It could just be this is not a good situation for you , and you are not yet ready to be in a new relationship.
Talk to him , explain how you feel . I don’t think you can force him into talking to his ex in front of you , that don’t work . This situation isn’t going to change any time soon, maybe best for you to walk away if it’s going to cause you this much inner conflict

WiserOlder · 08/09/2020 06:46

I can see why that would be awkward. Haven't read the thread. Maybe it IS a conspiracy! But on the surface, I think this kind of awkwardness is not unusual (for me anyway)

PlateTectonics · 08/09/2020 06:55

OP, I think you thought you were doing ok because you haven't had a relationship for years. Now that you've got a partner, these feelings of hurt and paranoia and lack of trust are coming to the fore. I really would urge you to seek therapy.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 08/09/2020 08:02

Thank you
I think the closeness of it all is not great. I seem to see her as much as him recently and that is changed by her suddenly being around me more.
She is a playground gossip. I work and have nothing to do with the playground mums. I think if she were not in my life at all it would not bother me the same as I wouldn't know her. as it is she tells me how bad the marriage was and how she regrets leaving it and wants her old life back. She never mentioned this before she knew about us
I dont want her in my life she isnt my friend
He is free to talk to her alone but i get his version, understandably but then she seems to want to be close to me all the time since. It is weird behaviour.
I appreciate I have issues and am going to seek some help for those
Thank you to all for being nice

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 08/09/2020 08:02

@PlateTectonics

OP, I think you thought you were doing ok because you haven't had a relationship for years. Now that you've got a partner, these feelings of hurt and paranoia and lack of trust are coming to the fore. I really would urge you to seek therapy.
This is so true
OP posts:
WiserOlder · 08/09/2020 08:09

Just caught the BIG detail that your x had a secret family. You poor thing. What an horrendously shocking mind melting betrayal. The mind bogles at what you have gone through.

WiserOlder · 08/09/2020 08:12

I do think his x wife thinks she retains control by trying to get to know you well enough to writeyou off as a mouse or danaged or a robot or not a people person or or or or whatever
She needs to feel superior and she needs to get to know you a bit to make the judgments so i would not blame you walking the other way when u see her.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 08/09/2020 08:32

@WiserOlder

I do think his x wife thinks she retains control by trying to get to know you well enough to writeyou off as a mouse or danaged or a robot or not a people person or or or or whatever She needs to feel superior and she needs to get to know you a bit to make the judgments so i would not blame you walking the other way when u see her.
This is absolutely true. She found out about tmy ex and told current DP 'you do know her ex left her and didnt just want to be with her' as if it was a sign I wasnt enough for him. I genuinely believe she thinks she is better than me class wise and is bitter he would go for someone perceived as below her. He has a good job, so do I now but she doesnt so she has lost her lifestyle of being with other rich wives and hates it. I think I need to distance myself and maybe find a new hobby anyway. I will take things a day at a time but ask him not to talk about her with me.
OP posts:
Julie879 · 08/09/2020 09:21

She's crossing your boundaries by telling you she wants her marriage back. It's unacceptable for her to do that. I don't have any advice but feeling uncomfortable about that isn't wrong at all.

Tyersal · 08/09/2020 09:56

OP there are hundreds of threads about ex wives always calling and it being a nuisance I'm not sure it's a bad thing her doesn't answer

Gilda152 · 08/09/2020 09:58

If your DP is telling you negative things about his ex he's triangulating you. Ie pitting you against her and making you suspicious. Maybe he's the issue as well as your insecurities.... You have said a lot of negative things about her and maybe you dont realise that. I could quote you but there's no need.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 08/09/2020 10:04

@Gilda152

If your DP is telling you negative things about his ex he's triangulating you. Ie pitting you against her and making you suspicious. Maybe he's the issue as well as your insecurities.... You have said a lot of negative things about her and maybe you dont realise that. I could quote you but there's no need.
All people talk about their exes to some extent . It is life and getting to know people - it depends on the extent of it . Triangulating Hmm
incognitomum · 08/09/2020 10:18

Wow exw is a peach! Just cough if she comes near Wink She's so jealous of you. Don't let her get under your skin any more. She's a joke and she knows it. Just give her a head tilt and ignore. Just say ah ok to everything she'll get bored.